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dammitjanetfromvegas's avatar

If you were to pass away tomorrow would you want the members of your family and location listed in the details of a memorial question?

Asked by dammitjanetfromvegas (4593points) January 18th, 2016

Recent deaths among our members and their tributes have me wondering what others think about this.

I know many of us like to keep our family life and Fluther life separate. I’m one of them. If I passed away I would not like the names of my relatives listed in the details of a tribute. I think a link to an obituary would be more appropriate than listing every detail such as names of my sisters, children, father and where they live.


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56 Answers

Strauss's avatar

Once I shuffle off this mortal coil, the details of any memorial, fluther q or otherwise, won’t matter to me. If those who knew me feel comforted by such tributes, so be it.

Someone (I can’t remember who) once said a person’s immortality is determined by the effect they had on humanity in general. I still share stories about my grandfather (born in mid century 1800’s), so by that yardstick his immortality will live until his descendants stop passing down his stories.

Edit: In addition to being affected by Gail’s passing, I have recently lost an older sister and a very dear long-time friend.

dammitjanetfromvegas's avatar

It won’t matter to you @Yetanotheruser, but what about your sibling who would be listed? Someone who is not a user and may not even know about this site will have their name and location of where they live listed on this site. Is it fair to them?

tinyfaery's avatar

It’s public information. Whether by link or reposted, it’s all the same.

dammitjanetfromvegas's avatar

The obituary is public, but many of us don’t want our family members, co-workers or friends to know what we write here at Fluther.

dxs's avatar

Doesn’t matter to me. I’d want the Jellies to know who I was, though, so I’d like at least one to know my personal informtaion.

Strauss's avatar

@tinyfaery pretty much answered for me here.

tinyfaery's avatar

I don’t see how posting the obit leads to them coming to fluther. If they don’t know you’re on fluther how would they connect the two?

Seek's avatar

I’m fine with it.

dammitjanetfromvegas's avatar

Dammit Betty from Las Vegas, NV

^there’s my sisters name that could now come up in a Google search. Her name associated with a site she never used. Maybe she’ll be curious and want to see what’s up, which would lead her to questions where I may have bitched about her. (one reason why I am using a new account. there’s a lot I don’t want to be found from family and friends)

ragingloli's avatar

there will be no “memorial question”
there will be no notice.
there will be nothing.
only silence

Seek's avatar

^ that prospect makes me terribly sad, Loli. I would miss you immensely if you vanished into the ether.

YARNLADY's avatar

Yes, I would.

dammitjanetfromvegas's avatar

If I pass while Fluther is still kicking, please do not list the names of my family members and where they live.

Thank you.

Cruiser's avatar

I feel exactly the same as you do @dammitjanetfromvegas

Adagio's avatar

I’m with Janet and Cruiser on this, no question.

janbb's avatar

I’d prefer they not be linked but I don’t have super strong opinions on this.

ucme's avatar

Absolutely not.

Hypocrisy_Central's avatar

If I went it would have no affect here, no one really knows me, much less care….so there would be nothing to tell… bygones.

Cruiser's avatar

@ucme How about the maids, butler and door man? Can we at least send them a sympathy card?

ucme's avatar

Good lord @Cruiser, the tales from below stairs they could tell.

Cruiser's avatar

@ucme In that case I will send the sympathy card with a stamped return envelope! ;D

tinyfaery's avatar

I have nothing to hide and; therefore, do not care.

ucme's avatar

@Cruiser There’s a raunchy novel in there somewhere

DrasticDreamer's avatar

I wouldn’t personally mind, but I can see why some people would.

Cruiser's avatar

@ucme From what I know of you it would be along the lines of 50 Shades of Downton Abbey

dappled_leaves's avatar

I actually just wrote the mods to ask about this, before seeing that you had posted a question about it. It makes me very uncomfortable to think that someone would post my name here, after I’d had an effectively anonymous account here for many years. I would not want my family, friends, and acquaintances to be able to find all my posts here, just by Googling my name. Nor would I want to give the entire collective the ability to contact my family.

I know that no harm was meant, but posting someone’s personal information on a public internet forum can have far-reaching, unexpected consequences. I would hope that Fluther would try to protect me from that when I can no longer be a participant in that decision.

LuckyGuy's avatar

I can tell you with certainly, one person was willing to have her information made public.
One person absolutely wanted privacy – in fact he/she did not want her family to know about the account.
Both had their wishes honored.

jca's avatar

I welcome any and all Jellies to come to my funeral and feel free to contact my family. I wouldn’t want my name posted here, though. I wouldn’t want my friends, family and coworkers reading about issues that may involve them. Fluther would be like a treasure trove into the inner workings…...

Cruiser's avatar

@jca Just saying what you just wrote is excruciatingly contradictory as I sincerely don’t see how we could do both. “feel free to contact my family” and ” wouldn’t want my friends, family and coworkers reading about issues that may involve them”

If I went to your funeral and expressed my condolences to your family they would want to know how I knew you…and I would have to say through Fluther and they may ask who what where and why is Fluther and ultimately find their way here and then your second wish would be compromised.

Perhaps you could clarify your true wishes.

Jeruba's avatar

No. It would be enough if one Fluther member knew I was gone and eventually informed others. There’s no need for crossover. Gail was pretty open about her family connections, so that made sense, but some of us prefer to keep a lot greater distance between our Fluther profiles and our personal lives.

Mimishu1995's avatar

@Cruiser I think @jca meant that she just doesn’t want her real life people to know about this site. We can come to her funeral and tell her people we are friends of her, no mention about this site.

jca's avatar

@Cruiser: If I went to a Jelly’s funeral and I wasn’t sure the family knew about Fluther, I’d say “I’m a friend of hers” or “we were friends on the internet.” I’d be very vague.

Cruiser's avatar

@Mimishu1995 I am in that same boat as @jca and I do understand fully what you are trying to say and what I will say in reply is I cannot trust anyone on the internet to be fully sure something so seemingly simple and innocuous as a personal expression of sympathy would follow through without incident. Let’s just leave it at that I have learned from my mistakes.

I have a lot at stake in my personal life and it is my own damn fault I put out as much personal details as I have here and like others here have articulated they and I would not want my personal and Fluther paths to ever cross. So I for one would not want my obit to be posted here nor would I see any real purpose for anyone here or prior to venture into the realm of my real life by showing up at my funeral pyre.

flutherother's avatar

No, I keep my family life separate from Fluther.

johnpowell's avatar

I think we should have pretty clear rule that posting names and locations is simply not allowed unless you are posting your own.

Personally, I know a few people around here that are not fans of mine and I wouldn’t be all that surprised if when I die they would use the info to harass my family. I would hope that wouldn’t happen but I don’t really think it is worth the risk.

We all have made enemies even if you don’t know it.

dammitjanetfromvegas's avatar

I’ll raise a Pabst in your honor @johnpowell .

johnpowell's avatar

I have moved on to Hamms now. Sixer of tall-boys is 5.95 and PBR is running 7.50. It all taste like water so I run off price.

dammitjanetfromvegas's avatar

We buy 30 packs of Old Mil for $15. Pabst is splurging.

johnpowell's avatar

The Beast (blue can) or the white can?

ibstubro's avatar

I feel it’s totally inappropriate to have a jelly’s personal information posted in open forum, living or dead. It’s contrary to the whole anonymous format.
I can’t believe Fluther supports revealing the private contact information for an individual. So are the mods responsible for verifying the information? What if a bogus obit was posted for fun or malice? How do you retract that information from the web?

I appreciate knowing that a member has gone, especially if they were a pillar of the community. Perhaps a link [that can be broken] to that member’s real-life tribute. Definitely a friend offering the contact information through PM.

No, I don’t see where there’s precedent for posting any individual’s personal information on open forum, and I don’t think one should be allowed.

Gail was a special case, in that she was closely, and openly, related to the founder. She had literally been with Fluther since day one, and had revealed much of her personal information over the years.
But, let’s be realistic. She came from a cast of people with the resources to protect themselves and their personal information. Not so with all of us.

If I wanted my name to be forever linked with my Fluther content, I would be using my given name here.
My posts here are written from the perspective of being a Fluther member. Reading them in another light could give them different, unintended meaning.

Sorry, I find publishing an obituary on Fluther contrary to what I thought Fluther was all about.

johnpowell's avatar

@tinyfaery :: “I have nothing to hide and; therefore, do not care.”

But would you care if the name and location of your spouse and kids were posted and then their Facebook pages were bombarded with homophobic stuff?

Really, we just don’t want to go there.

Mimishu1995, I am in no way saying you did something wrong by posting the obit. I am 100% sure what you did came out of love. But I would like some sort of official policy to prevent it from happening again.

jca's avatar

Some people may have things to hide and would care. Maybe they’ve not told their spouses they are on this site. Maybe they’ve talked about that their son in law is an asshole or they’re experiencing problems with incontinence or any other host of things they may not want their acquaintances to be able to start researching about them, or whatever.

janbb's avatar

In Gail’s case, her daughter had approved posting the obit. Upon reflection, it probably makes sense for there to be a policy not to post unless someone has express prior permission. I had steered Mimishu to posting a link to the obit but I think I was wrong in that and am sorry.

Seek's avatar

A link is different than a copy/paste.

A link won’t appear in a Google search for the person’s name.

Mimishu1995's avatar

I flagged the question as I felt that the whole thing is getting messy. Now I’m waiting for the mods to decide what to do with it. I did suggest that I could delete the obit though.

chyna's avatar

@mimishu You posted this out of love and respect for Bob. Thank you.

dammitjanetfromvegas's avatar

No one is upset with you, Mimi. We all know you meant well. :)

@johnpowell I prefer blue.

janbb's avatar

I think they will delete the obit but don’t feel bad @Mimishu1995 . We both erred a bit; don’t worry about it.

Brian1946's avatar

Out of respect for the real-life loved ones mourning the passing of any jellies and the good intentions of @Mimishu1995, my freeloading family and I have changed our minds about crashing any Fluther funerals. ;-|

ibstubro's avatar

I have no doubt that anyone’s intentions were anything but the best, @Mimishu1995 & @janbb.

Actually, IMO it’s perfect. I don’t think Bob would have a problem with his obit appearing on Fluther, and I think @Adirondackwannabe would be pleased to be of help in bettering Fluther’s future.

There’s no harm, no foul. It shows Addy’s impact on the community that he’s at the center of a friendly and reasoned debate nearly a week after his passing. I can’t think of a better tribute at this moment.

LuckyGuy's avatar

This is no secret. (I never violate a trust.)
I can tell you that I contacted Gail’s family and Gail while she was ill. Her family was accessing the site regularly and reading responses to her.
Her family gave us the go-ahead to post her info. She had already been interviewed here when she was a mod so there really wasn’t much new.

The other person did not want his/her family knowing about this place. I was a friend on FB and exchanged mail over the years.. A family member once tried to friend me. I told my friend, and was asked to ignore it. I did and will continue to do so.) I left a message for jellies in an appropriate place to get the message out. That worked quite well.

Addy had a lot of contact with people in private. I know that he gave at least one person quite a bit of his personal information. He was not secretive. I do not believe he would object.
I regret that we didn’t do something before the end.

To answer the question: I would be mortified if it was published here. I have kept my identity private and would like to keep it that way.

Mimishu1995's avatar

@LuckyGuy I regret that we didn’t do something before the end

You mean something like this? You don’t have to regret because he was so good at keeping his illness a secret. I think I was the one with the most information about his health, but even so he had toned everything down a lot. He made me believe that he would be well in no time and I kept waiting…

Maybe he didn’t want us to worry or be sad for him in the first place…

LuckyGuy's avatar

@Mimishu1995 Yes sort of like that. But in that example her family specifically said it would be greatly appreciated. Gail and her family were so thankful to all of us for that tribute – so much so they had it printed out and on display at her service for everyone to read. It was very moving.

Addy never said anything about his condition. He kept it private.

JLeslie's avatar

I wouldn’t mind, but it makes sense that we shouldn’t do it for a jelly, unless we know for sure that jelly would want us to post or link it.

Facebook is probably the better place to post such a thing, since many of us on Fluther use an anonymous user name for a reason.

Many of us are Facebook friends too, and I would never want my Fluther identity revealed on Facebook, and I would never reveal on Facebook someone else’s Fluther identity. It’s a little different in the reverse, I don’t mind jellies knowing who I really am, as long as I feel I can trust them to not reveal it to the real world.

augustlan's avatar

I personally wouldn’t mind, but I can definitely understand why many people would rather not have any family information (or their real name) listed publicly.

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