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Mimishu1995's avatar

Could you tell me how to grieve (detail inside)

Asked by Mimishu1995 (23699points) January 19th, 2016

Ok so this may sound stupid but I need a little help. We’ve just lost a great jelly, who also happened to be one of my best friends. I didn’t see that coming and our friendship was still there, so the loss has caused me a lot of grief.

The thing is, I want to get over this feeling quickly, I still have a lot to do ahead. But the more I try to suppress it, the stronger it becomes. I haven’t got back to my right mind yet. Am I too obsessive? Could you tell me how I can get over it?

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11 Answers

dammitjanetfromvegas's avatar

You never get over death. You learn to live with it, and that takes time.

I had a very difficult time when my mother passed away two years ago because she didn’t want a funeral. She was also cremated so there is no grave to visit. I feel like I missed a part of the grieving process because I’ve had no closure. I didn’t have long lost cousins consoling me and I have no grave to visit. It’s still difficult for me and it would be worse without my antidepressants.

Reach out to friends like you are doing now. It helps to vent. Hang in there and I promise the heaviness will lighten its load as time goes on.

stanleybmanly's avatar

Sorry for your loss Mimi. It’s equivalent to a physical injury, and will require time to heal. Keep busy and your mind occupied. You will tough it out.

rojo's avatar

Grief is such a personal thing. I am sorry I cannot tell you how to successfully deal with it but we all approach it from a different perspective.

It is hard, harder for some. I have spent years distancing myself from others, including family, so that when the time comes I will not hurt as much. I don’t know if this is the right way to do it but it is the way I am approaching it.

But even with that, there is a loss, a hole if you like, that doesn’t fill. You can work around it and you will find a way to do so. That is not necessarily a bad thing. We need to admit that the person who is no longer with us was a part of our life and an important one at that. It is ok to feel the pain. It is necessary that you allow yourself the ability to grieve, it will made the acceptance of what has happened easier and quicker. Trying to hide or suppress your grief will only prolong your agony.

I am sorry to hear how this hurts you.

DrasticDreamer's avatar

There is no easy fix. Like you already acknowledged, the more you try to suppress it, the harder it becomes. That’s always true of anyone. You have to allow yourself to go through the motions of grieving. If you don’t, you’ll only make it harder on yourself.

Feeling really bad is normal, and it’s a part of the process. It takes time.

Earthbound_Misfit's avatar

@Mimishu1995, don’t try to suppress your grief. It hurts. I understand that. However, you need to let yourself heal and the only way to do that is to let yourself feel your grief. Let yourself miss our friend. Let yourself wish he was still here. Think about your conversations and how much you’d like to talk to him. In time the pain will diminish. You’ll find he isn’t so on your mind. It takes time. Just let it flow over you and understand it’s a process. That’s really the only way to manage grief. I don’t think you ever ‘get over it’. You just learn to accept the loss and it hurts less.

Stinley's avatar

Oh @Mimishu1995 I really feel for you. I was thinking about you and @Adi’s death because I remembered you two seemed to be good friends whenever I read your discussions and interactions. I was thinking about sending you a message to see how you were doing and came across your message here.

I hope you can get some comfort from people’s wise words here and their sympathy also. So take your time and allow yourself to grieve – don’t suppress it but don’t immerse yourself too much in it either. I’m sure no-one would want to see you becoming an unhappy person, especially not someone who was a dear friend like him. It can be easy to let the sadness become too much a part of your life. It changes your brain chemistry and makes it harder to feel better. So don’t feel guilty either if you do find yourself enjoying life a bit more. Life goes on and it is good.

Share your thoughts, especially here. So many of us were also blessed with knowing him in the same environment and can empathise with you and your loss that someone else not familiar with the community that is Fluther will understand.

Be kind to yourself

LuckyGuy's avatar

@Mimishu1995 Isn’t it strange how we can care so much about others we haven’t met?

The feelings you have now prove something. They show you have, and can experience, emotions: empathy, compassion, love, grief, happiness, joy, sadness, etc. It is a gift! Think of it as being able to see in another dimension of life. A gift!
Sure, we can watch TV shows in black and white. But aren’t they so much better in color? Likewise you can go through life uncaring and flat. But think how much more you get out of it when you do care. It will get better. Until then, be thankful that you are affected. You are so much richer for it.

Haleth's avatar

@Mimishu1995 Any time you try to suppress a feeling, it will come out the wrong end. Like if you have a frustration at work, and later yell at another driver on the road. The antidote for an unhappy feeling is talking to someone about it.

The fact that you wrote this question is a great start. Instead of stuffing your feelings down, talk to someone who will empathize and understand. And spend some time doing things that make you happy. Do you have some favorite activity that you haven’t done in a while? Spend an afternoon doing that with a friend.

Even though he is gone, you still got to know him and have a wonderful friendship together. Eventually the immediate pain will fade away, and you’ll still remember all the good things that happened.

I think you’re a wonderful person, and the fact that you feel so strongly for a friend shows a lot of empathy and compassion. Talk to someone (or many people!) and be kind to yourself. :)

Buttonstc's avatar

Now That You’re Gone – Fernando Ortega:

After I read the news of Addy’s death I listened to this a few times and shed a few tears.

This song is from a poem a woman wrote following th e sudden death of her brother and he (ortega) set it to music.

You mentioned wanting to get over this quickly but that’s the problem with grief. It takes as long as it takes. Trying to suppress it will only prolong everything. You just need to allow yourself to feel the feelings whenever they come up. In time it will get better and less acute but the loss will always be there.

Hope this helps in some small way.

Mimishu1995's avatar

Thanks everyone! This thread is such an eye-opener. I didn’t know that the only way to deal with grief is to to go through it. I always thought that I could forget it somehow (yeah, people irl always tell me to smile and get over bad things when I’m sad). Last night I had no task to do so I had some time to reflect on everything. I cried very hard. I experienced so many kind feelings from anger of why he ever entered my life to assumption of what I could have done to save him. And this morning I woke up, feeling somewhat better. I’m still sad, but the fog around me has lifted a little. Now I’m focusing on my school friends, my family and the plan of continuing the book without Adi’s help.

@Buttonstc Thank you for the link. It decribes exactly what was in my mind last night. The verse ”... I think I will meet you in New York” startles me. Adi had a plan to fly to Vietnam to meet me so that was one strange coincidence. I felt like I was listening to myself talking.

rojo's avatar

Mimi, it sounds like you did some growing up last night, or rather, maturing.

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