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abramsi's avatar

I was accused of saying something I never said - Should i reply ?

Asked by abramsi (11points) July 26th, 2008

I am in a total dilemma about this for the last few months as I really don’t know what to do. A few months ago I met a friend for dinner. We have always been in contact via sms and so we arranged to meet.
After a while, I left the table to use the restroom but left my purse in my coat pocket which was hanging on my seat. After I came back he said his brother had sent him a message and he said he better go. Later on when I went to pay for my taxi fare there was no money in my purse and my gut feeling then was that he may have taken the money out of the purse and then put the purse back in my coat while I was in the restroom. We should have had lots to talk about over dinner that evening but he seemed nervous, distant and not engaged in the conversation. Although I suspect him, I have never accused him of taking it as I am not that type of person. I decided to cut off contact with him. What is strange is that I never heard from him again until weeks later and he never asked was my money found. It was almost as if he wasn’t concerned. I never replied to this message.
Recently I got a message from his friend saying I had accused his friend (the person I went to dinner with) of taking my money. I don’t know why this was said to him,
but I was really annoyed when I saw this as I had never accused him as I haven’t spoken to him since dinner.
My dilemma is whether to reply to this message or not and defend myself, although I have nothing to defend myself against as I never accused him of taking it.
My gut feeling wants me to defend myself but then the other half of me says no, I haven’t done anything wrong and why would I meet him again considering he hardly said much to me over dinner. My brain is in a spin about the whole situation and I just want to know what other people would do ? Would you reply to his friend putting the record straight and saying I never accused anyone or is that what they want me to do ? Thanks.

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14 Answers

ninjaxmarc's avatar

money is just money, it can be replaced.

In this situation, it just sounds way too shady. These people sound more like acquaintances then true friends. They are not worth your time.

wildflower's avatar

I’d fight the temptation to respond. Think about it; this guy didn’t ask why you broke off contact, didn’t ask – or help find out – what happened to your money, out of the blue assumed you suspect him of taking the money, but doesn’t confront you himself…....sounds an awful lot like guilty feeling to me.
You know what you’ve said, that’s what matters. You don’t need to explain yourself for something you didn’t do.

Put it down to experience, let it go, learn and move on.

sndfreQ's avatar

If these are people that are in your social circle, take an up-front approach and tell the friend who called you (not the one you went out with) that you did not accuse his friend, and that he knows you didn’t, and if he has a problem with it that he grow a pair and contact you himself.

Also let him know that you have no interest in him and that you don’t need validation from him, but that any self-respecting person would pick up the phone and deal with a situation like this with maturity, which he obviously lacks.

If these are not people you are particularly concerned about, chalk the situation up to experience and move on (with purse next time; I never question my wife when she goes to the bathroom with her purse on account of female issues…)


klaas4's avatar

You just said everything I would say, sndfreQ. :)

One more thing: You can also go to the police. Note that he’s actually stealing!

Done. ;)

sndfreQ's avatar

Davey nice to see you…how’s the iPhone (of was it iPod Touch?) :)

jamms's avatar

it doesn’t sound like a meaningful fight to me. best to just move on.

SuperMouse's avatar

Drop the whole thing, he probably only said something because of his own guilt. This fella isn’t much of a friend. Write it off as a – hopefully not too expensive – lesson.

susanc's avatar

Remember when John Kerry was accused of lying about his war experience? The Swift Boat thing? He didn’t respond to lies and therefore a whole lot of people believed them.
I think it’s best to deny a lie even if you’re never going to
see the liar again. Otherwise it hangs in the air forever, darkening it.

scamp's avatar

I think the guy’s friend was just testing the waters to see you you suspected what obviously happened. I’m sorry this happened to you. Don’t respond. it won’t get your money back, and it will just re-stir the drama for you. Don’t worry about a thief’s opinon of you.

Scrumpulator's avatar

He has never called you to confront the situation. Don’t even grace his friend with a response. It will not reflect on you but only to them. If you never see these people and don’t interact with them on a social level then its not worth it. If your (real) friends start to get this false information only grace them with a response. They will understand. These other (false friends) are only trying to sooth their own egos. Their Id is under self attack. the guilt will swell and karma will get them. Enjoy your days and stop worrying, you know who you are. They don’t, and they don’t deserve to either. :)

marinelife's avatar

I agree with sndfreQ that how I would respond would depend on how much involved these guys are with my social circle thus how much them saying stuff to others I know is going to mess up my life.

If they are in your circle and you are likely to encounter them again, then I would respond to the friend with this message. “Hmmm, Name must be feeling guilty, ‘cause I never said he took the money. Did he?” and leave it at that.

If they are not involved much in your life, ignore it.

Also, work on how you feel inside. You know what you said and did not say. That is what is important and is the truth. Don’t let others take your power away. What they say does not matter.

Sorry this happened to you. You also need to let it go and move on. You said it happened months ago. The few dollars he took are not important compared to your life now.

abramsi's avatar

What is really strange is that the guy’s brother used to be in contact (via email and phone)with my Dad alot but now since the money going missing from my purse he doesn’t hear from him. I actually thought at one stage he might have phoned and said something along the lines that his brother didn’t take my money, just to clear his brother but I guess he must have a guilty conscience as well.
It is not really the money going missing that hurts me most, it is the fact that I thought these people were friends. I wouldn’t mind but I had kind of forgotten about the incident until his friend sent me the message. It just seemed to drag the whole thing up again.

I think if the guy was a true friend to me, especially if he thought I suspected him he would have said something to me and cleared his name.

I guess I was wrong to think of these people as my friends and none of them deserve a response from me.

Thanks so much for your replies you all gave me great answers.

scamp's avatar

When you went to the restroom, did this guy leave the table? If he didn’t there is no way anoyone else could have taken your money without him seeing it. So you pretty much know what happened. This guy is a creep, and I’m glad you found this out before becoming further involved with him. I guess this has been a good life lesson about trust, so it wasn’t a total loss for you. If it were me, I’d make sure I kept my purse with me from now on. I hope you didn’t lose too much money.

abramsi's avatar

No, he stayed at the table. You are right, he surely would have seen someone putting their hand into my coat pocket given that he was looking in that direction. The fact that the purse was put back in my pocket is another indication.
Why would a thief, if there was one at another table behind me risk taking my purse out and then having to put it back again. It would have been easier to take the purse and go.
Yes, it is a valuable lesson about trust and my purse is kept with me at all times now.

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