I know it's not the end of the world, but I have HPV and it makes me really angry. How can I move past it?

So… you had unprotected sex multiple times and have contracted an STD. You chose. Out of curiosity, what exactly is the requisite number of “hook-ups”? Did you suppose the vaccine protected you from ALL STDs? Who makes your decisions for you? Who will be at fault if you contract some other STD?

@Jak I was in 2 long-term monogamous relationships and hooked up with few people in college…about 5 or 6. I’m always 100% monogamous in my relationships and didn’t participate in a lot of the college hookup culture my friends did. So by today’s standards, I was not promiscuous.I was religious about condom use to the point of paranoia unless I was with someone in a relationship. (I had an IUD for birth control but have since switched to an Implanon, which is also very reliable.)

I had the Gardasil shot before my first sexual encounter and never had a history of irregular paps. Two of my partner’s ex-partners had a history of HPV so I’m upset by this news.

I’m not an idiot and was not under the misapprehension that Gardasil protected me against all STDS (and I have none others beside HPV), but I was thrown for a loop that after having only clear paps during my sexually active life that I would have an irregular result.

I know my partner meant me no harm and is sorry, but I can’t help but feel really put out by this whole thing, especially when I’ve always done my due diligence about my health and now to have this happen when I’m uninsured is a huge bummer.

Also, @Jak, if I contracted some “other” STD I wouldn’t be at fault because it would mean my partner was unfaithful. We’re in a monogamous, committed relationship so if you’re implying that I’m a person of low character or intellect, you’re barking up the wrong tree.

You have no choice but to suck it up and deal with the consequences of both your sexual shenanigans during your wild oats days. While it may be the case your SO did, infact, infect you with HPV, you must remember that given your history it could have easily been the other way around. All you can do is follow medical protocol and take care of yourself but, if you can’t find a way past your resentment marriage is not a good idea. You have a lot to work through, best wishes.

I’m sorry this happened to you.

My “move past it” advice is spiritually bent, but it doesn’t mean I’m saying you have to adopt some belief of mine.

The anger comes from the wishing that things were different and from the expectations about following the rules to remain safe. The problem isn’t the thing itself, but the significance you ascribe to it and the persistence and intensity with which you hold on to a wish.

You had it before you knew you had it. If you never confirmed it, you might go along blissfully none the wiser.

So the “moving past it” part means diminishing the significance of all the parts that are causing the problem, namely the meaning you are ascribing to it.

My suggestion is that you try a mantra: “Thank you.” Say “thank you” every time you have a thought about this. Say “thank you” for the infection, for your husband, for the other girl, for the cost involved. Try it right now (with a little earnestness), and see if you feel a shift in your perspective. If you keep it up, the resentment and anger will have nothing more to latch onto and will fall away.

I’m not saying be a doormat or somehow “lose.” I’m saying discover that there’s a version you that is actually stronger than this turmoil and is naturally unperturbed and at peace.

HPV is like the herpes virus; almost everyone has it. Just accept it and hope it stays fairly dormant.

@kevbo

Thank you. That’s beautiful and a very nice perspective. I will try it and hope I can be a bigger person in this situation.

I would be angry with myself if I caught an STD because I hadn’t used condoms. I’m not excusing your boyfriend but I think that accepting your part in the events that led to this situation might help you accept and move on

@Stinley

We used condoms until he showed me an STD test, which was all clear. Unfortunately, they don’t test for HPV in men.

I’m starting to feel better now that I wrote down my thoughts. This is has been eating at me for a week. I just gotta shell out for a colposcopy, make sure it’s something my immune can fight off and won’t require any further procedures.

My boyfriend and I are deeply in love and committed to each other, even if this did come from some indiscretion from his past, I don’t regret our relationship. The truth is, we can’t ever know for certain so I’m just trying to deal with how I feel in the best way I can.

Welcome to life’s midway! Games abound… mysteries at every turn. Some choices bring you a prize… Some choices make you burn. Pick one… pick all… if per chance you lose… do not toss a squall.
You chose a kissing booth, and it did not go well.
I am sorry you made bad choices.

Well considering that most people get HPV at some point I guess I’m just lucky!

You have a great amount of personal info on your partner and his ex . I can’t suggest anything to get over your grief. Thanks for sharing with the Fluther, hopefully their will be a treatment for HPV soon.

@LeavesNoTrace I have never heard that it is fact “that most people get HPV at some point”. And, having worked in the health care field all my working years, I’d probably have heard that IF it were a fact. @kevbo is wise with her/his advice. It’s hard to accept facts at times. I am sorry you got HPV. Please let us know the results of the colposcopy.

@si3tech

According to the CDC

“HPV is the most common sexually transmitted infection (STI). HPV is a different virus than HIV and HSV (herpes). HPV is so common that nearly all sexually active men and women get it at some point in their lives.”

http://www.cdc.gov/std/hpv/stdfact-hpv.htm

I haven’t read the above answers. All I can say is most women have to deal with it. It sucks. It’s hard to avoid getting it unless you use condoms your entire sexual life. Literally, you would have to use condoms even with your husband. Of course now we have the vaccine, which works on a few strains.

I forgot to ask, did you only have an irregular pap? Or, did they test for HPV? The genetic/pcr testing to tell you the strains? You can have a bad pap just from inflammation.

@JLeslie Yeah, I got the vaccine when I was a virgin teenager, which is supposed to protect against the higher-risk strains. But there are so many types of HPV I guess it’s impossible to completely avoid them all unless you are abstinent.

I’ll admit, I shared a few choice words with my partner about this that I kind of regret but the truth is, I had a clear HPV test right before I met him and now I’m not clear. Now, it’s possible that I had it for years and it was dormant (hence all the normal pap results) but I can’t help but wonder if it’s from one of this less-than-ideal former partners.

I know it’s petty and I apologized to him before I could say anything un-take-backable but it’s really got me down to think that his days of being balls-deep in sex workers and softball Barbie led to this expensive inconvenience for me. It’s also not helpful that some people (@Jak, @Here2_4 and @Stinley) on this board have insinuated that I caught HPV by being promiscuous when I was as careful as I could be, short of marrying the guy I lost my virginity to (no thanks) or joining a convent.

But I also know that we have a lot of generations here on Fluther so that plays into it as well.

@LeavesNoTrace This probably won’t make you feel better, but maybe it will. I know the medical establishment always talks about how you could have been infected 15 years before, but I believe that that is usually not the case. I know too many people who have similar stories to you. New sex partner, suddenly a positive pap. New sex partner, girl never had UTI’s after sex, suddenly now gets UTI’s after sex. I think we women have the doctors telling us stuff that just doesn’t seem right considering how we know our bodies.

Back in the day science already knew HPV likely caused cervical cancer, but most doctors didn’t tell women. No one was really telling women. Then Merck wanted to make money with their vaccine, and now we all know. 20 years ago when my friends had bad paps they just thought they were unlucky, and that they had a brush with a cancer possibility, a couple actually had cancer. When I would tell them they caught it from a guy they looked at me like I was crazy. You don’t catch cancer. They didn’t understand the HPV connection. I think they thought I didn’t know what I was talking about.

Ugh. I feel for you. Thing is, your bf didn’t really do anything wrong, he thought he was clear.

Are they going to do a colposcopy? Or, just retest you in 6 months?

@JLeslie Thank you for being one of the few people to provide a clear, cogent, non-judgemental answer. It really HELPS.

I know my boyfriend is 1) faithful 2) loves me and 3) did not knowingly pass me something.

Those are the most important things and I feel lucky for that. This is one of the only fights we’ve ever had and it’s a tough one. We both kind of feel inclined to point fingers and while we know it’s not helpful—it’s something we both feel really sensitive about right now and it’s hard to think straight when matters of the heart (or other parts of our anatomy) get involved.

I feel for him, he’s a good guy and a great boyfriend. But I’m also really annoyed that his days of “fun” have possibly made me catch something dangerous (and expensive). The fact that he had condomless sex with two strippers and a girl who often stumbles home with random dudes (I’ve walked in on her in various stages of undress with strangers at least 2x in a year), in spite of her having a serious boyfriend is very troubling to me. I visualize him with these people and making poor choices. Now thankfully, this was all before he met me, but it still gets to me.

Yeah, it’s possible that I had it all along that it was lying dormant, but the words of my late mother echo through my mind. “If it looks like shit, and it smells like shit, it’s shit.”

He says he spoke to his Doctor (also a man) and that my claims are “ridiculous” and that he’s going to see and HPV “expert” to get some sort of test, but I feel like mostly he’s doing this to absolve himself of guilt over his past stupid choices and show me that I’m the “bad guy”.

I’m at a loss and don’t know what to do. I probably shouldn’t have said anything but it’s been really upsetting me and I didn’t know where else to turn.

I hardly insinuated that you were promiscuous. One wrong choice can get you an std or pregnant, or dead. You hinted that you had multiple partners, and you chose to be with a man you knew had been married to a woman who’d had questionable succession of paps. All I did was pointing out that we all have choices in life, and you made at least one which led to your contracting something.
That is simple life facts. I hinted at nothing. I took what you wrote about yourself, and said what amounts to lying in the bed you made for yourself is your choice at this point.

@Here2_4

I didn’t know about his ex’s HPV until I had an irregular pap smear myself. The stripper sex and the softball hookup came out of the bag about a year into our relationship.

If sleeping with the man I love is a mistake, that means I “deserve” cervical cancer so shoot me.

@LeavesNoTrace. Here’s the thing. Men and women all over the country who were not promiscuous, who the few sex partners they did have were all educated, professionals, not promiscuous either, even they likely have been exposed to HPV. It’s very difficult to avoid. My generation and older especially, since we didn’t have a vaccine.

You’re equating it to his days with very promiscuous girls, and yes, it probably increased his chances a little, but now you are a not promiscuous girl who has it, like so many others. HPV is just out there in huge numbers, promiscuous or not.

I am not assuming anything, but if you possibly were judgmental before about people who had “STD’s” maybe that is part of the reason this is bothering you. Just part. I completely understand that the biggest sadness is probably that your health is affected. I might be way off base. I know you to be not judgmental, but I thought I would just throw it out there.

He probably feels pretty bad it might be his fault. If you are already forgiving of him, just reassure him it is something that happens to a lot of women and you know he did nothing on purpose, and there is no way to know for sure who gave who what at this point. Let him be ignorant. Seriously. Most men are.

I don’t think you answered my question about whether they tested you for HPV specifically? If they are going to do a colposcopy? Or, just wait 6 months and do another pap. Maybe you prefer not to answer, which if course is fine.

You might want to get the genetic testing for HPV. Possibly you don’t have it? You’ll also know the strains you have if you’re interested.

@JLeslie You have a good point. I was very prideful about being “smart”, doing the “right” things, taking care of myself. I was the first of my friends to get the Gardasil shot and I felt good about that decision. I still do.

I didn’t take it as carte blanche to be reckless but it gave me peace of mind that I had been proactive in protecting myself. Like @kevbo beautifully stated above, what the HPV represents is just as troubling to me as what it actually is.

@LeavesNoTrace It sounds like you were very careful. Everything you tried to do to protect yourself was worth it, it’s just impossible to protect ourselves against all STD’s unless we never have sex. Don’t beat yourself up if you are. One thing that will come out of this is now you will be understanding and empathetic for someone else in a similar situation. Be easy on yourself, really, having HPV doesn’t reflect whether you were responsible or not. It’s extremely difficult to avoid unless both partners were virgins when they met and never had sexual contact with anyone else their entire sexual life together. That’s not realistic.

It would be great if everyone wore condoms more consistently until long term monogamous relationships, but that isn’t happening in America right now.

Usually, doctors don’t test for HSV, and obviously you know men aren’t tested for HPV, and those are both passed rather silently. Sucks.

Thanks, @JLeslie

My partner and I have apologized to one another about the unkind things we said to each other about this unfortunate discovery. I’m just hoping that whatever he learns at this “HPV expert” he’s seeing isn’t used as a battering ram against me. He’s a lawyer and sometimes has a bit of that “Ah, ha! Gotcha. See???” quality, which is sometimes a little tedious.

I went ahead and ordered this card, which I think will defuse the situation a bit.

https://www.etsy.com/listing/245473588/sorry-card-funny-greeting-card-puns-pun

@LeavesNoTrace I have no idea how men are tested for HPV? Is he getting tested?

If he comes back with all the arguments for why it isn’t his fault then I suggest you say, “thanks for looking into it.” Yuck I know. The thing is, you won’t be able to win. Doctors will not agree with you that you can pinpoint him as the culprit. You will not have any “facts” to argue with.

You do have my support. I think the timing of your positive Pap smear is likely significant, we can’t know for absolutely sure. Saying JL thinks the same as you won’t help you any. As so many people on Fluther love to point out, I am not a doctor. However, I am a woman, and I’ve had some shit experiences too, and I have a lot of girlfriends who confide in me. None of that is scientific, but it’s difficult to ignore.

@JLeslie I was also under the impression there’s no such thing as an HPV test for men. It’s not standard performed in the battery of STD tests men receive. To his credit, he did get screened before we were intimate without condoms.

Neither of us have warts (thank God), but I guess there are other ways to test that they usually don’t bother doing for men.

http://www.webmd.com/sexual-conditions/hpv-genital-warts/hpv-virus-men

He can still come up negative and have it from the test described in your link. Just like women.

@JLeslie He’s definitely doing it to “prove a point” more than anything. Whatever. It’s still dumb as f*ck to screw strippers and the softball “team bicycle”.

@LeavesNoTrace Here’s the thing. If he comes up negative, and knows you’re positive, he’ll still have sex with you. Watch, you’ll see. It will prove he isn’t worried about it. It will piss you off, disgust you, and make you happy all at once. Of course, I can’t really know how it will make you feel, but I think you understand where I am going.

Do you know you’re positive for HPV. I keep asking, because I had a biopsy of vulva tissue done once and the regular Quest lab or Lab Corp (I don’t remember which it was) said it looked like HPV, but another doctor told me to have the block and slide of tissue sent to a lab that specializes in vulva tissue. When the tissue is sent there the doctor doesn’t write up to confirm whether there is HPV or not, the lab analyzes and reports any findings. The specialized lab said there was definitely no HPV. This was many years ago. Now, you can also get the genetic testing for the strains. Just something to think about. I know it’s probably likely you do have it, my situation was a very tricky situation, that was not easily diagnosed.

@LeavesNoTrace You really need to work on not blaming your boyfriend. Even if he did do some dumb things in his past, it is not his fault if he was infected. He tried testing before you had sex. He tried to be safe. All I know is that if you can’t figure out your feelings and lose the feeling of resentment, and the lingering feeling that you “know” he infected you, your relationship will die.

Perhaps you need to speak to a therapist. You aren’t owning your own actions here in the blame game. So you need to let the blame game go if you really want to move forward with your relationship. What does having HPV say to you about yourself? To me, it says nothing about who you are or your character, but I think to you it does thus your need to blame someone else.

I think kevbo’s idea for being grateful for all the blessings in your life including your boyfriend and the good relationship you have built is a good one for putting this in perspective.

@LeavesNoTrace CDC says it is the most common. Says nothing about “most people will get it at some time”.

@si3tech Years ago the statistic I was taught was over 80% of women are exposed to HPV. This says at least 50% have been infected. That’s a lot of people! Every time you have sex it’s basically a 50/50 chance you’re having sex with someone who has one strain or another.

I saw this reassuring article recently, worth a read.

Is there someone very trustworthy and supportive you can talk to about this? Sometimes it really helps to unload all your feelings and clear the air.

This is none of my business, but the boyfriend’s response to this seems asshole-ish and counterproductive. Like he cares more about proving himself right than anyone’s actual health.

There’s a lot of sanctimonious blaming going on in this thread. The question OP actually asked was “How can I move past it?” Slut-shaming is totally counterproductive and doesn’t even answer the actual question. All it does is give you a brief moment of smug superiority and make the OP feel like shit. If you’re one of the people who made those comments, what were your motives? Apparently the boyfriend had WAY more sexual partners than the OP, but we’re all pointing the finger at her?

@Haleth, there is an inordinate amount of slut-shaming here. I feel like a virtual Bridget goddamn Bishop.

Also considering that most of the sanctimonious jackals clucking their tongues at me likely have the same “STD” themselves. Pssst…and your precious BAYBEEZ too.

@LeavesNoTrace I’m sorry that I caused offence. It certainly was not my intention. I wrote my comment on a hurry and didn’t express well what I wanted to say. I won’t try again because I might end up making things worse but please accept my apology and, for what it’s worth, my sincere word that I was not trying to make you feel worse or me feel superior. I hope you are ok and able to work through your problem despite people like me x

@si3tech I am curious what part of health care you work in that you have no idea how common it is for women to get HPV?

@LeavesNoTrace There is no “slut-shaming” coming from me. In fact, isn’t “slut-shaming” what you are trying to do to your boyfriend?

I told you that my knowing that you have HPV says nothing to me about you or your character. I think it is you that feels having HPV says something about a person. It does not.

Slut shaming? Finger pointing? Isn’t that the entirety of your original question? I merely summed up and restated what YOU said and pointed out that what is happening to you is a direst result of choices that you made. It seems like you want to just have someone to blame. If accepting that the one to blame is you is beyond your abilities and/or desires, well, you are more than welcome to go with any of the answers here that blame someone else. But at the end of the day, none of us have to accept the consequences of your choices. You do.
Am I saying that I have not made poor choices? Hell no. But I accept that I am at fault. I don’t blame anyone else.
Accepting that there are consequences to our choices and admitting to ourselves that we are capable of errors in judgement without attaching blame to someone else is part of being able to move past the results of those poor choices.

@marinelife has said what I have been thinking. There is no reason to blame anyone. You both tried to be safe and shit happened. That’s life. His past is his past. Move on with the future.

@jak I’m processing this as best I can and trying to be the bigger person. I feel how I feel now but that doesn’t mean I will forever. The revelation about his sexual history followed by my first abnormal pap threw me for a loop is all. I think many people would feel the same.

Today, we’re going to the park and having lunch. We love each other and that’s what I’m trying to focus on.