If your boyfriend wants to have sex with other women, would you let him?

No.

Not under the circumstances you describe.

You describe him as insecure. This is anything but a good reason to let someone else into your sexual circle. The moment one lets another into a relationship the potential for complication increases by orders of magnitude.

The tough love segment. If your BF cannot develop the emotional maturity to accept that nearly all of us have a sexual history you need to find another man.

Sure, but I would never date him again.

I’m open to the idea of polyamory. I am not open to prostitution. While I have nothing but respect for responsible, consenting sex workers, I know they are a rare breed and my “boyfriend” in this hypothetical probably can’t afford them.

Prostitutes are the lazy mans answer to more sex. If he wants more sex let him work for it.
My answer…no. I’d set him free to sew his wild oats but tell him there is no guarantee you’ll be waiting in the wings.
It is a good idea for people to have a certain amount of sexual experiences before committing to a monogamous relationship but you shouldn’t be the guinea pig for his experiments if you want monogamy.

It’s good that he is being honest with you about his yearnings but he can’t have his cake and eat it too. If he wants to be free to explore, fine but….this means that you are free as well and that you are not just sitting at home collecting dust. haha

^ Outside of prostitution sex is not a commodity.

Sex is not something (according to you) men should work for.

In mature relationships sex in never regarded as a gift, a reward. something to be earned.

Grow up.

He asked me for permission and I said that I can’t say yes to it, but he told me he would do it even if I like it or not because it would help him get over of the sexual history.

How do you feel about it?

Protip: this is a really good way to end up with all sorts of interesting venereal disease.

I’d drop that dude like a hot potato.

@chyna It makes me physically ill to think he’s having sex with a prostitute and I feel hurt because it’s like he’s willing to ruin the trust and everything we’ve been through.

If he honestly thinks he needs to get some street walker’s sloppy thirty-seconds to be “even” with your past relationships, brother is sick in the head.

He might be bluffing. To get a rise out of you. I still would say no.

I would say no and I would seriously question why I am in a relationship with that person and it would most likely be the end of that relationship. He’s not respecting you or your feelings.

Do you have sex with him? Is there a physical or mental reason why your sex life together is impaired? Is there a justifiable reason why he might want to have sex outside of your relationship? If not, why are you with this man? What does he bring to your life that makes your life better?

Prostitutes? How old is this guy? The only guys that ever bought prostitutes when I was a kid were greaseballs in their forties and fifties, fat, with cauliflower ears and pinky rings. Your boyfriend sounds like a real jerk to me. Can’t your dog hunt? What’s wrong with him? You agree to this and you might as well stock up on all the antibiotics you can find, because you are going to need them.

I get that open relationships work for some people and that’s cool, but it wouldn’t work for me.

@Espiritus_Corvus He’s 22 and I’m 21.

Yeah, that’s what I thought. Does he agree to allow you to see other men?

@Espiritus_Corvus

Your characterization of johns (or Janes) is flawed and sexist.

Men and women both contract prostitutes for two reasons:

1. Prostitutes mean no post event drama.

2. They perform acts one’s significant other won’t.

But hey, a chauvinist post by you. 4 upvotes so far.

@Espiritus_Corvus LOL can’t that dog hunt.

@SecondHandStoke Yep. That’s me, flawed and sexist. This is a fucking whelp we’re talking about, Stoke.

^ Not you per se.

Rather your comment.

@Espiritus_Corvus No, he doesn’t. His reason is because “I’ve slept around already, so now it’s his time to do it and experience it.” If I accepted him after he did it, then it’s great. If not, then we break up.

@micchon OK. Do you think that’s fair that you sit home while he’s screwing some other woman? Because if you do think that/s fine, then that’s fine. But do you?

” what do you mean by Let him?” ..
He does not need your permission and I believe that he would do it anyways.
At least he is letting you know that he is experimenting.
He may be worried that you may know more techniques than him and may think him inadequate?
I would / have told boyfriends that If they wish to do that, that is their choice, but I will not partake in sex with him again. Boundaries. But thank him for being honest.

^ “Boundaries”

This word says it all.

GA.

@Inspired_2write Yes, he tells me sometimes he feels he’s inadequate, but I don’t think having sex with a prostitute will solve it. I have raised the topic of having a threesome with another girl, but he prefers to have sex with somebody alone.

@micchon
offer to teach him instead. You both can learn from each other.

@Inspired_2write We have, and in fact he’s very good in bed already so I don’t know why he wants to do it. But from time to time we would deal with my sexual past, he would bring it up for no reason. He was a virgin and I was his first, and he told me this made him feel less of a man because I, a woman, is more experienced in sex than him.

@micchon Let me tell you my dear girl, as a “mature” women. Young women that want the best chance of fidelity need to go for older men, men that have matured, been there, done that. Sadly the truth is that most young women are more than ready to settle down and be faithful, most young men are not. If you really want the home and heath thing, a stable man to build a future with, your best bet is to look for an man in his mid 30’s if not 40’s.

By the time most young men are ready to settle down the women in their lives are fed up beyond repair, usually after marriage and kids,. The man finally says ” I want to grow old with you” and the women says ” Too little too late.”
Such is the way of nature, trust me, if you want stability and a family, go for a guy at least 10 years older than you.

If he doesn’t have the balls to let this work both ways, or doesn’t want to learn together, then he/s scamming you and if you stick with him, you/re going to end up with the self esteem of a mouse. And some nasty STDs,

@micchon
You life before your boyfriend is not his business unless their is a disease tht he should know about.
Just to say that you had a few boyfriends is enough.
Why men are so competitive in this area is immature.Next is he going to ask How good he is??
Better to say what you like from him and IF he would try ( whatever you like too)?

@micchon You know this already but I’ll say it, he is not your boyfriend anymore

Never mind what he is doing…..rather make up your own mind.
If you do not want to tolerate this behaviour then release him and yourself to find someone more worthy and trustworthy.

@SecondHandStoke Stoke, you know and I know that nearly every young dude tries this at least once in his lifetime. He’s not into an open relationship, he’s into having a guaranteed piece of ass waiting for him whenever his other exploits don’t pan out. She needs to cut him loose and tell him to go find his cougar. Send him down here. They’re everywhere and they’ll pay for his dinner and the room. Won’t cost him a thing. Maybe some skin off his knees, but that’s the price of education in this case. She needs to free herself up to find the kind of guy who is into whatever she’s into. This isn’t the guy. He’s into himself.

@Espiritus_Corvus Ugh..I find the whole “Cougar” thing so obscenely degrading.I hate that term, always have. It’s one thing to have a much younger man express an attraction but any women that needs a younger guy to prop up her sagging self esteem is pathetic IMHO. I would never screw a guy young enough to be my daughters boyfriend. Pathetic.

@Coloma. I don’t think that/s what it’s about. It’s simply about being on vacation in an adult setting fueled by pinacoladas and weed without any of the constraints from back home, without any fear of becoming a subject of work or town gossip and doing what they want how they want and on their own terms, which they can’t do at home for one reason or another. I don’t think it has anything to do with seeking affirmation or confirmation or whatever from a younger man. I think that is the last thing from their minds. I think it has more to do with being in total control of the situation for once. And it’s not everybody. But it’s here, it’s evident and the concierges make sure everybody gets what they want, including escorts of every kind. They are tourists. They party.

Hell no. Then it’s adios to him, asap. I read about half of the above responses, and it also sounds like if you stay with this guy, you’ll be getting a social disease. The guy may not be with you for the rest of your life, but the social disease will.

Ugh I’m suffering from tl;dr right now on all these responses.

My answer is this:

You have to have a REALLY OPEN DIALOG about this. Talk about it A LOT. Talk about a lot of hypothetical situations. Make sure he understands the difference between wanting to have sex with others and wanting to actually DATE others. He could be confused. Could not be. You have to find out. Also if he doesn’t let you do the same, then it’s most likely not a good idea.

@Espiritus_Corvus Sure, I get the tropical paradise fling scene but it is just as prevalent stateside with older women, like many older males, seeking validation via the sexual attentions of a younger consort. Maybe a vacation get away super charges the last fling frenzy of a lagging locomotive but that engine has already been steaming for a load of fresh coal. haha
In my experiences with those I have known it’s all about propping up the sagging self esteem of an aging ego and body.

While I’d (probably) be fine with an open relationship, that’s not what this is about. This is about an immature young man who can’t get over the fact that he wasn’t your first lover, and feels like sleeping with prostitutes will level the field, and doesn’t care how you feel about it at all. Dump that dude asap, please.

@augustlan Yes, I’m planning to. My mind is just a mess right now and I don’t know what to do. I’ve been thinking if he really loves me or he just wants me to be there for him while he makes his stupid plans that will “benefit our relationship” bullshit he told me.

It’s still not clear to me what or how the sleeping with a prostitute will be beneficial to anything.

@jca I’ve been telling him that it won’t help anything but he tells me it will help himself overcome his insecurities and my sexual history, and if he did it, he’d be a better man. I’m planning to breakup but I don’t know if I should confront him or just leave silently because he never listens to me anyway.

@micchon: How long have you been going out for?

@jca A year and a half.

@micchon: It’s hard when someone has been part of your life for such a period but believe me, this guy sounds like he’s either bullshitting you to benefit himself or else he’s so fucked up with his logic that he’s beyond repair. Bite the bullet and drop him. Waste no more time with him. First make sure you have none of his stuff and he has none of yours. If you need to spend a day with him to get yours and drop his with him, then do it.

When you break up with him, don’t take his bullshit crying and whining and begging. Just stand strong. Busy yourself with other activities so that you don’t miss him so much. Don’t take his calls (because that’s where you’ll be dealing with the begging and drama). Tell him you don’t want him to come to your house (ditto about no drama). Boundaries will be set up and he will be expected to honor them. Talk firmly to him so he comprehends.

When I said above about taking your stuff, I meant before you break up with him, if it’s just a few things, try to find an excuse to take them now so that when you break up, there’s no need for him to visit you or for you to visit him. For example, “I want to take my Nike shirt out of your closet so I can put it in my machine and wash it.” That way, you have your stuff so when you break up, clean break.

@micchon If he never listens to you anyway that’s an even bigger problem. Do NOT stay with this guy, or any guy that discounts, minimizes or blows off your feelings and input. He is too young and immature to make a good partner for you, cut your losses and know that you are worthy of better. Be prepared for him to possibly want to come back and don’t buy his bullshit.

Tell him that you agree, he needs to get the sex thing out of his system but that, along with his lack of respect for listening to you and taking your thoughts and feelings seriously just isn’t going to work for you anymore. There is a great saying I once heard that has been a mantra for me over the years, it goes like this.

” I am not going to tell you what you can or can’t do, but I can’t promise it won’t change me.” He can do whatever the hell he wants but it’s changed you and this is the risk and responsibility people need to except.

You’ve grown apart. You have separate goals. His goal is to have sex with a prostitute and your goal is to not have a boyfriend who wants to have sex with a prostitute.

There’s no “let” involved. He’s ether going to do it or he won’t. That he has expressed his intention to do this regardless of your feelings should tell you all you need to know. He doesn’t respect you, and I don’t see how you can trust him. Without respect and trust, from both involved, then the relationship doesn’t have a solid foundation. Time to end it and move on with your life before you get any more invested.

(p.s. As an aside, you should be wary of advice from folks who like to boil everything down into simplistic stereotypes.)

It seems obvious to me that your relationship is already over. His ultimatum is just a passive-aggressive way of breaking up with you. No self-respecting person would remain in that relationship given what he is demanding, and he has to know that. So just let him go. You’re both very young; learn from the experience and move on.

Scenarios like this always remind me of the Ken and Barbie killers.

Not that I think anyone here is a serial killer, just that the whole “I wasn’t your first and I need some kind of bizarro retribution to cope with that” thing brings to mind the dangerous duo aforementioned. Very unhealthy, manipulative behavior.

Also, can I point out that in this day and age it’s so incredibly easy to just meet with someone and hook up for free? Seeking a prostitute sounds specifically like a sexual fantasy, IMO.

There are no simplistic stereotypes, just facts. The fact is 8 out of 10 young dudes are not ready for anything even remotely expressing a mature and healthy relationship. This is also for for young women, The emotional immaturity of youth is the culprit, not stereotype.

@Coloma LOL. I’d liked to have seen that dude’s face when she met him at the door last night after this string. He probably slept at the dog pound last night. I hope so. She seems like a nice person. He’s a little dick.

^ Little big dick. haha

The fact is that 9 out of 10 statistics are made up on the spot.

In all seriousness though, it isn’t simply that you’re saying that most young guys aren’t ready for serious relationships (neither are most young women really), but also the advising this young women to jump in with an older man when, honestly, many older men look for younger women because they are often more emotionally vulnerable and easy to manipulate (speaking of stereotyping…). More to the point it’s the distillation of people into simplistic stereotypes based on nothing more than one’s own assumptions that I take issue with. Nor are you the only person here guilty of this @Coloma. People are usually more nuanced than we might like to believe.

@Darth_Algar Agreed, the nuances, and also true, some older men are looking to exploit younger womens vulnerabilities, but there is also truth in that more mature males are often better partners. I also said that emotional immaturity affects both young men and women. I admit I am basing my sentiments on experiences from my generation ( far side of mid 50’s now ) Younger women were ready to be in relationships much more so than many young men.

It’s also true that a lot of stereotypes are based on more than a grain of truth. The nature of the young male beast is one driven by super charged sexuality 90% of the time.

@micchon this isn’t the same guy mentioned in a previous question?

Edit: So it is the same guy, I just noticed you have been together one and a half years. Seems as though you have had a repeating history of concerns about this issue, and his insecurity about your so-called ‘history’. You are only 21, there are so many better things to be doing at your age, not dealing repeatedly with an issue like this, and a boyfriend who does not appear to have much in the way of respect for you, when it comes down to it. I know its easier said than done but my advice would be to cut loose from this man. He’s taking up a lot of your energy. Energy which could be so much better spent, somewhere that offers some return for you.

Open relationships are not for me, so personally I would not. Hiring a prostitute is not something I’d ever be open to or comfortable with a partner doing.

If he has been unfaithful and has physically hurt you as the other question says then you mustn’t stay in the relationship another minute.

@Coloma “Agreed, the nuances, and also true, some older men are looking to exploit younger womens vulnerabilities, but there is also truth in that more mature males are often better partners.”

And honestly, the OP here wasn’t asking about what kind of relationship she should peruse, so why are you even suggesting this anyway?

“I admit I am basing my sentiments on experiences from my generation ( far side of mid 50’s now ) Younger women were ready to be in relationships much more so than many young men.”

Were they really? Or were they simply fulfilling the role that society expect of them?

“It’s also true that a lot of stereotypes are based on more than a grain of truth. The nature of the young male beast is one driven by super charged sexuality 90% of the time.”

Even if true that’s quite beside the point, as there are plenty of folk, both men and women, young and older, who are driven by super-charged sexuality and yet still manage to maintain committed stable relationships (often even monogamous ones).

@micchon your boyfriend is a punk and if you don’t drop him you’re dumb. It’s not about whether he’s doing a prostitute or whatever. He’s using your past, which is none of his business, to gaslight you. If you were my daughter I’d be up in your face about 24–7. But 20 somethings are dumb, so. My daughter is dating a guy that cheated on her. In an highly disrespectful way. 20 somethings eh this is where we learn. Also, I am a sex worker in a country where it is legal. I find people’s ideas of sex work and the people that do it just so out of touch sometimes. Men see sex workers for many reasons, some complicated, some very simple. I’ve seen many professional athletes that yes are hotter than the sun and I’ve seen men as young as 19. I’ve seen disabled men, I’ve seen many, many,many, entirely normal men in long term relationships and marriages. People have such a lowly opinion of sex workers and the men who see them. I have news for you: they are all of us. Sorry to visit you with reality but, hey.

@trailsillustrated Welcome back.

@Coloma my daughter would gag if I told her to date someone in their 40s HAHAHAH seriously she’d think I lost my damn mind __and she’d be right I’d never date someone 10 years older than me gross lol __

Here’s the malignant thing about this: it has nothing to do with you, @micchon, your past,sex workers, or him wanting to even things up. It’s about control. He is GASLIGHTING you to manipulate you and is openly treating you with contempt. Once contempt enters a relationship it’s over. Beginning, middle, and end. Lots of young women date assholes in thier twenties, I did it, all my friends did. My own damn daughter. I think it’s maybe a growing thing, you’re just learning about serious relationships, experimenting. But he is abusing you. It is up to you to guide and teach people how to treat you. If you go along with this, I can guarantee that he will shit on you in such a shocking and horrible way that it will be almost blinding. But, this happens to all of us and hopefully we learn and gain our voice and sense of self. Sadly I see women much, much older than you still being rubbished and treated like a dogs dinner it blows my mind and makes me very sad. @micchon, you go on fb and like “thought catalog”. It’s written by twenty somethings for a young adult audience. It’s full of wisdom and insight and articles about this very kind of thing. You read through that every chance you get. I’m telling you what I tell my daughter every time I see her. Yeah we all get crapped on by boys when we’re young. Do not establish a precedence where it’s alright with you to be absolutely shat on by men. Ok I shut up now.

@trailsillustrated Well, over 10 years is too much of a gap, but historically women have been attracted to older men with more resources and while I should have said it depends on the character of the person, not just age, (my bad for generalizing ) often, older males do make for a more steady relationship. Not so old that are needing hearing aids and dentures, of course. lol A 25–30 year old women with a 35–40 guy year old is not too big of a stretch IMO.

It’s funny it seems like not that many years but it’s too much of an age difference, and I am not sure about the veracity of women historically being attracted to older men although I know it is prevalent. A 25 or 35 year old is going to have a much different social and cultural outlook than a 35 40 year old. Of course there are many couples where it works great, but I think I would take a pretty evolved man. The interests and personal tastes are going to be too far apart. I dated a man 10 years older than myself kind of recently and, it just seemed like light years. The security thing I would think plays a large part in it.

talk to him and say firmly NO. and if he wants to have sex with someone else he needs to leave you (make it clear you won’t take him back!)

Then you can ask him how he would feel seeing you have sex with another man? (This usually does the trick) I have a rule in my relationship – if you can do it so can I. If he flits with other women he can’t say a thing if I flirt with other guys etc.

yes this is a bit childish but it’s made him think abut his actions!