General Question

wildflower's avatar

Is it OK to have a crush on someone else when in a relationship?

Asked by wildflower (11147points) July 28th, 2008 from iPhone

Was discussing this recently, and would live to hear what the collective thinks. We’re not talking cheating, just crush/infatuation that isn’t acted on.

Is it OK, normal, wrong, something to feel guilty about…..or all of the above?
What’s your opinion?

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34 Answers

gailcalled's avatar

If you mean by crush, some sexual flutterings, we all have them. OK in my book.

jlm11f's avatar

IMO, you are in a relationship, not blind :)

trumi's avatar

As long as you don’t act on it and try to get over it.
Lefteh, don’t beat up on me. I deleted her number.

lefteh's avatar

Nothing wrong with it.
Humans have hormones. Humans are from time to time infatuated by each other. It’s perfectly natural, and really, really important to your sanity to not restrict yourself to a single person. It’s not being unfaithful, it’s being human.

gailcalled's avatar

If you are married and act on it, there’s my definition of “unfaithful, clear and pithy.

PnL; I would say almost the same thing; you are in a relationship, not dead.

wildflower's avatar

@PnL: couldn’t have said it better :)

I was actually surprised that some seem to view it as not being dedicated to ones SO, etc. Anyone for that POV?

flameboi's avatar

nothing wrong, just keep your distance :)

Sloane2024's avatar

yeah. I totally agree w/ the collective. As long as you try to get over it and make no special effort to be near that particular person, I see no harm. :)

wildflower's avatar

playing devils advocate now
So if there’s nothing wrong with it, why try to get rid of it?

lefteh's avatar

Personally, I don’t really see the need to “try to get over it.”

EDIT: You beat me to it, wildflower. I don’t see the merit in this either. If it’s simply a crush and not a desire to cheat, it will go away in time. No need to stress about getting rid of it.

trumi's avatar

I think of it as a weed. Its basically harmless, as long as it doesn’t spread. Which it will, unless you treat it.

lefteh's avatar

@trumi: I disagree. It will not necessarily spread. For many people, it will simply phase itself out. For some, it will stick around for a while and not do any harm.

marinelife's avatar

Where I think it crosses the line and takes away from your S.O. is when 1) You spend recreation time, meal time, etc. with the crush. This way lies danger. 2) A large part of your thinking is around the other.

The latter means your focus is shifting off your monogamous relationship. If you plan to keep same, you need to refocus your thoughts and efforts on it and on reigniting the spark.

lefteh's avatar

I agree entirely with Marina. As long as those two scenarios do not happen, you’ll be absolutely fine and there is no need to worry about squashing it.

nikipedia's avatar

How would you feel if your significant other had a crush on someone else? Even if s/he didn’t act on it?

marinelife's avatar

@niki I have the standards for him as I do for myself.

Sloane2024's avatar

I’m not saying stress over it, just that it has detrimental potential if you just let it fester. Think about it: we’re human. It’s inevitable that we’ll begin comparing our crush w/ our primary love interest, even if it’s unintentional. To remain in the clear, it’s just safer to not entertain the idea of the crush. In all actuality (and I mean no offense) a vast majority of affairs instigate in scenarios similar to this hypothetical one, just on a more serious level of commitment.

wildflower's avatar

@Marina: totally agree with 1), never considered 2), it’s an interesting point.
@Sloan: I find the idea of getting over it or staying in the clear a bit over the top for a crush (IMO).
I know some of the folks I discussed this with before seemed to interpret such crushes as infidelity, which I still don’t really understand.
To me, it’s like fantasies, but then I guess there’s different opinions on that too….

megalongcat's avatar

I agree with Nikipedia. What I would tell another person is: “Well as long as you don’t touch it’s okay”, but when I’m honest with myself, I would be seething with rage if I found out my girlfriend had a crush on another guy, regardless of any sort of physical action.

demogear's avatar

I think the best thing to do is to tell your significant other about this crush, that way they’ll help you find out what attracts you to that other person and see if they can do better (or at least be aware of it). I now it sounds weird, but it’s what I would like my girlfriend to do if she had a crush on someone (even if it is an innocent one).

nikipedia's avatar

To clarify, I wasn’t stating any opinion—just something else to think about.

Like pretty much everything else, I think this depends completely on the details. Crushes are inevitable, but I’m not convinced inevitability makes anything “okay”. What do we mean by the word “okay”, anyway. I don’t know.

It would bother me if my partner had a crush if I saw that crush as a legitimate rival, if I thought the crush was threatening the integrity of my relationship in any real way, or if I just hated her.

wildflower's avatar

@niki: I love the last line of your post!!

I think if my husband had a crush, I’d be curious about who she was and how she was different from me and that would probably affect how I feel about it.

srtlhill's avatar

just because I’m looking at the menu doesn’t mean that I’m eating.
Where you end up every nite is important
But if I have a crush or a friendship that doesn’t cross any lines in my book that’s ok. My point is my biggest crush is with my lovely wife, and my loyalties are with her. In the end were all humans that have strong emotions. It’s how we act on those emotions that makes a difference.

Randy's avatar

It’s not a big deal to have crushes or let them linger unless they start affecting your relationship. Epically if your married! You take vows for a reason. If the crush does start affecting your relationship then you need to back up and look at things.

I think the problem occurs because of jealousy and fear of the future. Sometimes the person with the crush thinks they would be better off with the one they have the crush on. This leads to the end of the previous relationship which sucks for the person without the crush.

That’s why communication is so important in relationships. Honesty sits right there with it. Remember, hiding things is just as dishonest as not telling the truth when asked something…

ninjaxmarc's avatar

It’s like saying I’m crushing on Jessica Alba but nothing’s going to be coming from that situation except for a dream and a fantasy with no real results.

lefteh's avatar

I also just found this thread. There are some answers worth reading in there.

MissAnthrope's avatar

I agree with the collective. I think it’s perfectly normal to have “crush” feelings, even if you’re in a relationship. There are different kinds of crushes, too, some more platonic than others. I also have crushes on completely unattainable people, such as Tina Fey. :P

I’m always totally honest with my girlfriends and I will tell them if I have a crush on someone. I’m very monogamous and when I’m in love with someone, they’re the only person I want to be with, and I also make sure this is known. Harmless crushes, ones that you have no plan or desire to actualize, are perfectly normal and fine, in my opinion. They can even be kind of fun, and I enjoy sharing them with my girlfriends so they can tease me or whatever. Same goes with their crushes.

It’s when your heart truly begins to stray, you fantasize about being with that person, or start trying to spend extra time with them, that you begin to tread a fine line.

Knotmyday's avatar

In my experience, it’s generally not a good idea to disclose your arbitrary attractions to your spouse or SO. Tread lightly, let the infatuation run its course, move on.

randomguy92's avatar

Ok, well i am in this situation right now. It’s a little more complicated though. I have a girlfriend (lets call her mary) and we dated from last spring till late summer. She broke up with me (it was the worst one i’ve ever had) and then she wanted me back a month later, and we got back together about 2 weeks after that. So now our second relationship has lasted for about 1 1/2 months.
But about a month ago, i saw this girl (lets call her Leah) in my class. And i swear it was love at first sight. I felt like i HAD to get to know her and that she just had to be a part of my life. And then about 2 weeks ago, we got seated next to eachother and it was amazing. I started thinking about her, and looking forward to that class everyday because i wanted to be with her all the time.
So then i got her number and we’ve been texting and talking for hours every night. We have become VERY flirty and i’ve really grown some very strong feelings for her. I’d rather talk to her instead of my girlfriend, and sometimes i wish she could switch places with my GF so that we could be together more. I think about her more than any other aspect of my life and i can’t stand being away from her.
Recently i have been thinking about what it would be like if i ended my current relationship to be with “Leah”. And in all my scenarios, i end up happier than before. I am really confused and i’m not sure what to do.

MissAnthrope's avatar

You need to have a talk with Leah and see if she’s interested back. If she is, it sounds like your heart has moved on, so you should probably, too.

SushiBrainS's avatar

I’ve gone through this sort of thing before myself (and I actually am right now, and I’m pretty sure my husband has, too). There is someone at work who I think is the bee’s knees, and if I wasn’t attached, then I probably would initiate something but I know I got a good thing going on at home—I’ve got a great hubby..

But anyway…

There’s nothing to feel guilty about because you’re human, you’re certainly not dead.
If you’re in a committed relationship and you want to stay with the person that you’re with, then I would suggest that you not act on your emotions/fantasies about the said person in question. Try spicing up the relationship at home, and rekindle the fire.
But…
If you feel that things aren’t working out with the person that you’re involved with, then by all means pursue a new relationship with said crush—just make sure that the feeling is indeed mutual.

randomguy92's avatar

I am almost 100% positive that she likes me too. There is almost no doubt. Thanks for the help, it feels good to let it all out. Things have been really stressful and i think i’ve made my decision.

___So this is the latest update. At school today (i forgot to mention that i’m 16 and a junior in HS) i was feeling kind of down because me and “Mary” had a conversation that didn’t really end up too well. I did not reveal anything to her, mainly just that i’m not feeling as happy as i used to. So she asked what was wrong, and we got into this whole conversation about the drama that has been going on with this other guy. Anyway, we decide to continue it when we get home.
___So at about 9:30 we start talking on the phone and we pretty much discussed everything that i was feeling. I really didn’t want to talk about all that over the phone, but i really had no choice. I tell her pretty much everything that is upsetting me about the relationship and some other things that are stressful in my life. But we mostly talked about why i’m feeling so differently about our relationship. And she outright said that she’s sad because she thinks that i’m going to break up with her (which i’m still planning to do). I really don’t want it to end up with her being so mad at me that we can’t be friends anymore because i still want to help her out. i just don’t want to have the pressure of a relationship anymore. So at the end of the conversation she says something along the lines of, “i love you so much, you have no idea. i can’t even explain how strongly i feel about you.” is it just me? or is that an unfair thing to say, i already feel bad enough about ending it with her. but she just makes it worse by re-stating how she feels. I’m planning on breaking up with her on thursday night (before the 3-day weekend so that she has some more recovery time).

any comments or criticisms?

AnonymousWoman's avatar

In my opinion, it’s completely normal. Don’t worry too much about it.

Response moderated (Writing Standards)

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