Social Question

Pineapplebush's avatar

Is this normal?

Asked by Pineapplebush (150points) April 23rd, 2016

I think my wife’s been cheating on me and she wanted to leave so we separated.
I can tell that she’s giving me my space and she wants me to move on so if I’m with somebody new then she won’t feel guilty anymore.
What if I don’t just want someone new though?
What if I feel like I want to make it my life’s goal to find out who my wife’s best friend is, learn everything I need to about her, do whatever I need to make her fall in love with me, have sex with her and make her my new best friend?

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16 Answers

stanleybmanly's avatar

I think you’re in trouble, and courting assured disaster by latching on to such fantasies. Painful it might be, but were I in your shoes, I would put as much distance between your wife and myself as my budget would allow.

elbanditoroso's avatar

Don’t waste your time. It’s a fool’s errand. It will eat you alive, and it will be ultimately not work. Trust me, I’ve been there.

Better that you cut the ties ASAP, and move on.

It may take you months or years to find someone new that you love, but that’s fine. You won’t be with the poison of your current wife.

It really isn’t worth your effort.

ARE_you_kidding_me's avatar

Just move on, for you. The best way to get back at an ex is to find greater happiness without them.

Pineapplebush's avatar

Elbanditoroso- What if you had children from the marriage and you shared custody and needed to stay in regular contact with your lying ex whether you want to see her or not?

elbanditoroso's avatar

@Pineapplebush – that was the case with me – i had two kids, we shared custody, and I was in regular contact with her about the kids.

That is totally different from wanting to get together with her.

Pineapplebush's avatar

It just hurts whenever I see her.
That’s when I start to think of how I can make her feel hurt like she made me feel.
If I didn’t have to see her anymore I wouldn’t even think of her but it’s not an option.

kritiper's avatar

That sounds a little weird. You don’t need anyone, your wife or otherwise, to get by in life and be happy. Let go! And let it go.

Jak's avatar

Then you;re probably having a normal reactin to having been betrayed. Give yourself time to process and heal. And don’t make any moves towards any of her friends, That’s creepy. And you will creep your kids out doing shit like that. If you have to be in contact with her, stick to business and leave emothions out of it. Don’t let the kids see you being ugly, even if she acts like a ninny. Don’t say bad things about her to them or where they can hear. they will grow upo and remember all that you do, so hold yourself accountable now. In time you will be able to move past it. In the meantime, just focus on being a good parent.

cazzie's avatar

Pineapplebush, you and me should go get drinks together. We have so much to talk about. I was in a similar situation about 3 years ago. Three years on, I can tell you it gets so much better. It took me a long time to not fear seeing him (ours was a rather abusive relationship), but I see him now and I no longer shake and feel sick in my stomach. Moving on and keeping my mantra in my head, ‘Care-less’, was a reminder to not give a shit about what he thinks or what he would say and to just live my life for me and my son. I needed some counselling, but I didn’t end up in the hospital, which something I will pat myself on the back for every day.

Stinley's avatar

I think the grief you are going through for the death of this relationship is awful but is very normal. If you know the stages of grief, one of the early ones is denial. It’s very easy to get stuck at this stage when it’s not the finality of a physical death. But you must come to terms with the fact that the relationship is over.

Have you thought about getting some help? A wise friend or even a professional. I think it would help.

Unofficial_Member's avatar

Your “what if” questions won’t change the fact that she doesn’t like to live with you anymore. Nobody here know for sure what were her reasons to leave you. Saying that she cheated on you without any adequate proof may sound like accusing her.

I can see from another perspective that, perhaps, she still cares about you even after the break up, which is why she wants you to be happy with someone else that suit you since she can’t do that anymore.

In the end, it’s her life, her decision, and all you need to do is to respect it and move on.

SecondHandStoke's avatar

Rejection at this level is a true psychological trauma and should be treated as such.

Anything other than moving on and healing is a painful waste of your precious time and a very real compromise to your mental health and therefore your physical health.

I would strongly suggest counseling. You need the benefit of a trained and objective observer. They will help you understand that her motivations are not a reflection on you and just don’t matter.

disquisitive's avatar

You sound like a child, not a married adult. However, if you love your wife, you respect her. If you respect her you must respect her decision to leave you. Find something else to make your life’s work. Any relationship is over when one wants it to be. It really is just that simple.

Pineapplebush's avatar

Thank you for all the supportive replies to my situation.
I will just focus on being a good parent.
I think it helps to hear other people’s experiences and that it gets better.
Cazzie- I will try to remember to “care-less” about my ex and what she thinks about me.
I need time to heal so I can eventually find someone to have a healthy, honest relationship with and not bring all the baggage and hurt that I’m carrying now.

Inspired_2write's avatar

Yes this is a normal thought process after braking up.
Get some interesting hobbies, get fit,keep busy, make short term and long term goals for yourself,self improvement.
Do this for yourself. Have self love before inviting another into your life as a couple.
It is too early to date , so focus on your self improvement, until your sel confidence returns.
Learn what went wrong and why? Maybe it was just time to leave this realtionship as you may had the most that it could offer from that one.
When the student is ready the teacher appears.
Healing takes keep busy.

cazzie's avatar

I just heard a good term used to describe how betrayal in a relationship messes ones mind up. It’s call ‘perspecticide’. Having your once happy, functional disposition destroyed to such a degree our motivation and decisions do not reflect the rational, happy people we once were.

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