General Question

pami16's avatar

How can you tell if a man is really bisexual?

Asked by pami16 (152points) May 8th, 2016

I wanted to know what are some signs that a man is bisexual/gay, what things can hint you if he is closeted or not, I’m sure there has to be clues that lets you know, and if he is hiding his true self and is actually with a girl, how would he act around her?

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38 Answers

zenvelo's avatar

Unless you are dating him, it is really none of your business.

If you are dating him, the best way to find out is to ask him. Use your words. Don’t assume anything.

ragingloli's avatar

Look through his browser porn history.

jca's avatar

You can’t judge a book by its cover. Unless someone tells you, there’s no way of knowing. @ragingloli is on point with his idea but unless you see the browser history over the man’s shoulder, there’s no way of getting access to his computer.

elbanditoroso's avatar

You’re asking if there are overt and defined signs that say “this dude is bi” or “this dude is gay”.

The fast answer is “no”.

I’m curious about why you’re asking. If you are dating him and you’re close enough for the answer to make a difference, then why not ask him? If it’s someone else, and you are not dating him, then it’s none of your damned business one way or another.

pami16's avatar

@elbanditoroso Obviously I’m asking cause I am his girlfriend and have my doubts other wise why would I even ask here, or care, I just find ackward to ask him seriously.

jca's avatar

@pami16: How old is the man? What makes you think he may be bisexual?

I think a diplomatic way to bring up the topic is to talk about sexuality and see where the conversation takes you.

SecondHandStoke's avatar

We only bother to provide clues if we see fit for some reason.

I subscribe to the Metrosexual mentality, though I prefer to call it the New Man/Post Hipster way.

My sexuality is not only my business, but I’m not concerned with what conclusions you draw based on my mode of dress, mode of speech, manner, etc.

You want to know more about me? Female or male, bother to start a conversation. It won’t take me long to discern what you are getting at and for what reason.

In the real and sane world my orientation is relevant (like everyone else’s) in a very small percentage of situations.

I conduct myself likewise.

pami16's avatar

@jca he is in his mid 30s,never has gotten married as far as I know,has had couple of girlfriends but as usual breakups afterwards, Im asking because what triggered my curiosity is the fact that one time I told him(my boyfriend) that my gay friend saw him walking and told me ’‘that guy looks hot’’ mind that at that time he was not my boyfriend yet,and my boyfriend reacted surprised like if he liked the fact that another man was lusting for him.or saying that he looked hot,he was like ’‘oh really’’ ’‘tell me more’’ and the other thing is that I caught him opening his skype and I recall seeing a mans profile pic that looked gayish,only his face was showned and he looked like if he was laying back in bed with his arm on the back of his head,I was dressing up and gave it a side eye (peeking) to see what he was doing and I saw that my boyfriend was checking his skype 2 times in a row and that’s why I saw,that mans skype profile pic pop up.So be the judge! Maybe I got the wrong impression.

Darth_Algar's avatar

Does it really matter if he is? Does it effect the way you feel about him?

rojo's avatar

Isn’t sexual preference required on the Voter ID cards? Or is that just in Southern States?

anniereborn's avatar

I don’t think we are the judge. There is no need for a judge. Talk to him.

zenvelo's avatar

@pami16 A man in his 30s who is closeted would be overly protective of his orientation to the point where you wouldn’t see anything on his Skype.

If you have been intimate with him, then be assured he is not homosexual. He may be bi, but bisexual doesn’t mean he cannot have a relationship with a woman. And, what difference would it make? If he is monogamous, then don’t worry. If he isn’t, does it matter if he is with a man or a woman?

You need to ask yourself what are your boundaries for a partner. And then you need to communicate them.

And asking him, “what did you think when I told you my gay friend thought you were hot?” is an absolutely perfect way to open the discussion.

janbb's avatar

@pami16 I think you are expressing a valid concern if this does affect how you feel about him, the only thing you can do is talk to him about it. He could be bi- or he could just be flattered by the other guy’s attention; in any case if you can’t talk to him about it, there’s not that much hope for your relationship.

jca's avatar

I agree with @janbb that if the OP is dating this man, it’s a valid concern. Yes, the sexuality of a sexual partner is a very legit and appropriate concern.

In examples other Jellies gave, no it’s not her business but in this case, it’s valid.

Buttonstc's avatar

Far more relevant than whether he’s bisexual or not would be whether he is CURRENTLY sexually active with anyone else besides you (be that male or female)

If you two are in a committed monogamous relationship (which I assume would have been previously discussed between the two of you) then you certainly have a right to know.

The best time to ask him about the significance of the Skype pic which you saw would have been right then when you were glancing over his shoulder. For all you know, it could be his cousin or some other family member or old college buddy.

The fact that he’s 30 years old and unmarried means very little in this day and age. Lots of totally straight guys are still single for various reasons.

But, if this is your boyfriend and you can’t even discuss something so basic to his core personality, then I’d question just what kind of relationship you’re in.

There’s absolutely no way any of us on an Internet site could possibly know whether he’s bisexual or not from the paucity of info provided.

If you want to know, you’ll just have to ask him. By the time a guy is his age, they pretty much know what their sexual orientation is.

And if you two are having unprotected sex, you certainly have a right to know about his sexual history and whether he’s currently having sex with anyone besides you.

Jak's avatar

Your question makes nothing in the least bit obvioius, so obviously people are forced to draw conclusioins or not based on inadequate information. And since there are no hard and fast rules of conduct regarding a person’s sexuxal orientation, and since none of us know the guy, as already recommended, you should ask him. If you find asking him a simple question about his sesxuality awkward, you may wish to rethink your decision to be sexually intimate with a person.

dappled_leaves's avatar

There’s no way to objectively tell if someone else is bisexual. If you want to know, just ask him. Shouldn’t you be able to talk frankly about this if you are in a relationship?

Edited to add (after reading some other responses): If your real concern is that he is cheating on you, then finding out whether he is bisexual or not is not going to answer your question. Obviously, a person can be bisexual and monogamous. If you think your boyfriend is cheating, you should probably have a discussion about that, as well.

RealEyesRealizeRealLies's avatar

@ragingloli has it.

If he doesn’t surf porn, there may be another covert way to determine…

Some suggest talking to him about it… Please don’t. One who is “closeted” doesn’t want to be exposed. Let them come out on their own terms. Let them deal with it without the inquisition.

Instead of talking to him about it for himself… Just tell a story about a fictitious man in the situation you describe. Perhaps even lean your judgement towards the fictitious man being true to himself. Then… wait for him to give his own opinion about the fictitious man. Don’t even ask him for his opinion. That might blow your cover. Just tell the story and observe his reaction… even if the reaction is silent.

imrainmaker's avatar

How long have you two been dating? Is it long enough or just started? If dating for long then you should be aware of his friends etc. Can’t you check with a common friend in case you have one? But he / she should be reliable enough. The best way would be to ask directly if you have been dating him for long and feel concerned about it.

RealEyesRealizeRealLies's avatar

Also… If we ask how to tell if a heterosexual man might be bisexual… Then we should also be able to ask how to determine if a bisexual might truly be hetero.

jca's avatar

@pami16 and @anniereborn: And on that other thread many people said it was a red flag.

Buttonstc's avatar

But a red flag for what?

I’m sensing that the REAL concern which the OP has is whether or not he’s cheating on her with someone else.

If that is the case, then does it really matter if the cheating is with another guy or another woman?

LuckyGuy's avatar

@pami16 I will not dismiss your concerns so casually. Sexual matter are an extremely important part of most long term relationships.
When libidos and orientations match the relationship has a good chance of succeeding. But a mismatch in the bedroom can be much more significant than religion, diet, and even political leanings.
A high libido, HL, person living with a low libido LL partner can feel ignored, and unappreciated no matter how many times the LL professes love. The LL can feel used and and unappreciated no matter how many times per week the two of them engage.
Sex matters. A lot.
If he is secretly gay or bi that is fine, IF he lets you know upfront and is not misleading you.
I know you don’t want to ask him but it is driving you crazy so here are some questions for you. Don’t answer them in public. Just think about it. .
How old is he? How new is the relationship? How often do you have sex? Does he initiate? The answers will be an indicator.
If bot of you are mid 20’s, in good health, and just beginning to date I’d expect you to be doing it at least every other day. Yes I know everyone is different, blah, blah, blah. But ayour average 25 year old male is a horndog and will gladly jump between the sheets with a woman he is sexually attracted to.

I am a mature, hetero guy. If I were near a woman getting dressed nothing on my phone or laptop would distract me from looking at her.

Go into this with open eyes. Good luck.

chelle21689's avatar

If you have to wonder and have a gut feeling, more than likely he is…or bi-curious.

anniereborn's avatar

@luckyguy Every other day? Holy cow!

pami16's avatar

@Buttonstc Lol exactly the point is if he is actually is cheating,the gay/bisexual assumption is another possible thing that pops in my head,you never know in this world,I have never met any of his friends,only his ex roommate who was coockoo up there.oh another men mentions alot which is his older friend he is like 50 (supposedly married )and they have the same background and nationality,Thats why I posted the whatsapp issue,this is like a puzzle and til today I still don’t have the whatsapp,so its like if something was going on that I still don’t know and he wont tell me.ughh

pami16's avatar

@LuckyGuy we have 2 years,he is in his mid 30s im 27,we dont see each other a lot since he is finishing Med school.he does initiate.

Darth_Algar's avatar


I just reads your two other questions (and your responses in them) and I just have one question – why are you with this dude?

Frankly speaking, you’re his side piece. As @Seek said in that other thread – you don’t have a boyfriend, you’re a weekend booty call.

jca's avatar

@pami16: You’ve been with him two years and never met any of his friends? That’s not normal, in my opinion.

LuckyGuy's avatar

@pami16 Picking up on @Darth_Algar ‘s suggestion I too looked at your earlier questions and responses. I have to agree, you are not his main squeeze. If you want to keep playing second fiddle that is ok. For some that type of relationship is perfect for some. But I am guessing it is not what you want.

@anniereborn At least! We could not keep our hands off each other for many years.
Sigh! I remember it well…

jca's avatar

A recap from the past question about him not giving you his Whatsapp phone number: “What I do remember he said was that in that smartphone he has friends and family from his hometown,I don’t know exactly what he could be doing, Maybe is something maybe it’s not, all I know is that it looks weird and i feel as if he was doing shit behind my back. I do not have all the proof in the world but as @Seek said : we have 2 years and 2 months, He’s 36.
He hasTwo apartments.(2 small student apartments one here, where i live and go to university and one in the city as well where he leaves from Friday and returns on Monday to assist university as usual).
He has two phones( a small old phone which i have its number,,,and a smartphone which i do not have its number and in which he has whatsapp active.).
He has No job that you know of.(since he studies in university as well as me, his family helps him out, plus loans.). Doesn’t want you to know his friends.( I only got to see his roommate once and he presented me briefly and that’s it.).
Doesn’t spend time with you or invite you to the city apartment.(We see eachother once a week due to university,and I have only gone a couple of times to his apartment, not many.)
Doesn’t give gifts.(Not til this day.)” (Typos and grammatical errors are from the past question)

SecondHandStoke's avatar

This bisexual subscribes to the following axiom:

“You’re only as straight or gay as your last or current relationship.”

janbb's avatar

I agree wit h everyone – something’s fishy here and if you want to take care of yourself, you should get to the bottom of this.

jca's avatar

You might also decide you’ll never figure him out and he’s not worth your time. In that case, you can walk away. Instead of a dramatic break up, you can start distancing yourself, being less available over a period of a few weeks. Make sure you have your stuff and nothing is with him so that when you finally decide you’re done and no longer want to waste any time, it will be easier to never see him again. It doesn’t sound like you see him a whole lot now, but you will also be distancing yourself emotionally so that you can be mentally prepared and strong.

Love_my_doggie's avatar

I’m jumping-in late and haven’t read the posts above. Your question struck a chord with me, because of my experience with a long-ago, former fiance. I have little doubt that the guy was gay but in deep denial. The signs:

- When we were out in public, he’d check-out men. He’d stare with appreciation. When we were sitting in a restaurant, his eyes were usually off me and searching the room. If he saw me noticing, he’d quickly try to cover by saying he liked the guy’s jacket, trousers, etc.

- He never gave me any compliments; even when I dressed-up and looked nice, and other people said so, he didn’t care. But, he was fixated on his own appearance. He spent a great deal of time grooming and primping, and he wanted frequent (i.e. daily) compliments from me.

- He was borderline-flirtatious with men, often commenting on their looks, hair, or clothing. Women tend to greet each other with compliments; it’s not unusual to see a friend, or even a stranger, and tell her that she looks great, or that her shoes are pretty. Men don’t seem to do this with other men, unless they’re flirting.

- He was homophobic. In my own mind, this is the acid test. Heterosexual guys, secure in their own orientation, really don’t care whether other men are gay.

- He eventually married a very mannish woman who looks like a guy and has a deep, masculine voice. I know nothing about this person, but she does seem to be my ex’s type.

There were other, more intimate signs that I’m not comfortable mentioning.

pami16's avatar

Love_my_doggie Wow that is a whole lot, my bf is actually fine talking about gay,he does not have homophobia,he feels comfortable,BUT,there can be the ones that don’t talk about it because they feel like the other person will judge them and there are the ones that simply don’t care, wether it is a sign of being or not being gay or bisexual,well only god knows there is a bit of everything in this world.I love my bf so i posted this question to get some realistic advice cause you never know and I don’t want to end up hurt or waste my time in the long run.

FlutherBug's avatar


If you are still wondering about this question then private message me and I will really tell you the honest answer of how you can tell.

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