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euipo's avatar

How can I stop myself from constantly crying over not having/never having a boyfriend at age 21?

Asked by euipo (17points) May 15th, 2016

I have never had a bf and I am 21. No guys ask for my phone number and a guy has never asked me out. Sometimes, I do feel lonely and I will find myself crying over never having a bf and especially when I see other people so happy in relationships. When will it finally be my turn to find love? Yes, I am a shy girl and I do try to go out a lot and people say I am a nice girl. But I just want to share my life with someone special.

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11 Answers

Hypocrisy_Central's avatar

One could think about all of the headache avoided by not having some relationship, or focus on all of the other things to be thankful of. However, since those are choices usually resigned to the cellar, we will focus on the marginal issues on the surface.

Meditate on and get it in your soul that you are not defined by whose squeeze you are. Just because you see couples looking so happy in public you have no idea if 80% if the time behind closed doors they are fighting like emperor penguins and sea lions.

Get involved in something where you have like-minded people and maybe you will be more open.

You can take the path of least resistance and make it known you are a wide receiver waiting for a pass, however the quality of guys would not be worth it as there would be only one thing they are after.

Pied_Pfeffer's avatar

It is understandable how you feel. Many, many people feel the same way that you do or have done so at some point in their life. What most of them have found is that focusing on setting personal goals that interest them and pursuing them builds their self-esteem. They meet people with similar interests.

What interests do you have? What do you like to do? At 21, the world is at your feet. Immerse yourself in these inner passions, and it is more likely that you will one day run across the love of your life. I did.

RedDeerGuy1's avatar

Just listen to screaming children and be greatful that you don’t have kids.

RedDeerGuy1's avatar

Why I don’t have children NSFW ad for condoms I would just drive away. What are they going to do “take away my kids” sure! please do.

ARE_you_kidding_me's avatar

Some people feel worse than that in relationships. I know people who can’t wait to be “free” again. Count your lucky stars you are not in one of those. If you want a relationship you will have to go out and find it. It will not find you. I did not have a real girlfriend until I was 18. 21 is no biggie. Eventually it will happen and IMO late bloomers get the best deal. My only regret in life is not having kids, so don’t listen to what was mentioned above. Kids are actually awesome.

gorillapaws's avatar

Here’s an obvious question: Have you ever tried asking a boy you liked out? or do you always wait to be asked?

kritiper's avatar

Suck it up. There are lots of people in this world that are in your shoes, including myself. The best thing I ever did was to tell myself that I might not EVER get a gf, so get used to the idea, and I did. Have never felt better! It is a huge pill to swallow, though, one a younger brother of mine didn’t ever do (I believe) and he has been miserable and/or desperate his whole life. PAthetic!

Jak's avatar

Stop listening to the media and letting television tell you how your life should be. Find out who you are first and don’t feel like you need a man to define you. Relationships are overrated, and getting into one for the sake of being in one is a sure fire recipe for unhappiness.
In the words of Dennis DeYoung; “Don’t be fooled by the radio, the tv or the magazines. That show you photographs of how your life should be, they’re just someone else’s fantasies. So if you think your life is complete confusion, because you’re neighbors got it made, just remember that it’s a grand illusion, ‘cause deep inside we’re all the same.”

CWOTUS's avatar

Considering your question, you have expressed two life goals explicitly, and one more that is implicit:
1. You want to have a boyfriend;
2. You want to stop crying over not having a boyfriend;
3. You want to live a happy life.

You should keep in mind that those may be mutually exclusive goals. I’m not saying that they are mutually exclusive, only that they may be.

When you see happy couples in public, that’s all that you see – or at least all that you want to see and remember. What you don’t see as often, but which I assure you happens enough to be normal, is the fights that even “happy” couples often have, especially at your age. (At my age, maybe not so much, since we’ve worked out most of the drama after the mid-century mark. Most of it, anyway.) So, having a boyfriend doesn’t ensure happiness.

It’s also not a sure thing that having a boyfriend will cure the crying. Because the other part of relationship drama that you seem not to grok yet is that having a relationship means that there are still confusions, misunderstandings and missed communications that still lead to crying: He said he would call and he didn’t; he said he would be here and he isn’t; he’s not talking to me and I don’t know why, etc. You’ll still cry, and that’s a near certainty.

Whether you have a boyfriend or not is not entirely up to you. There is that boy involved, whoever and wherever he might be – and whenever you might find him.

But whether you have a happy life or not, ah – that’s entirely in your hands. So do that. Live a good, noble, productive life and make yourself happy. You wouldn’t believe how attractive a happy woman is to a gentleman of discernment. And that guy can help to increase your happiness.

So aim for the good and happy life. That way, even if you never have a boyfriend you can still have a good life. If you obsess too much over “a boyfriend! a boyfriend! I need a boyfriend!”, then you can miss out on the other two, and still lose the boyfriend.

Pandora's avatar

There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to share your life with someone. Some people are just not made to be alone. You may not be one of them, if you feel so lonely. But I have to ask this. Do you want a boyfriend because you want to share your life and your dreams with someone close, or do you want a boyfriend because you think it will make your life happy?
The first one if fine. Most people have that inner drive to mate and have a family some day. If you want a boyfriend because you think that will make you happy, then that is a different matter.

Having a boyfriend comes with no such guarantee. You’ll probably kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince. Or worse, you kiss and marry the frog, or get knocked up by the frog and he leaves you. Then you may wish you never met him. Or worse the frog gives you horrible warts.

You can’t rely on someone else to make you happy, and all that you see in other couples is usually hormones gone crazy and people blinded to the fact that they are in a relationship for the wrong reasons.

What you need to do is work on yourself first. The rest will fall into place. Work on your confidence. Dare yourself to make more friends so appease your loneliness a little. Ask a good friend what may be off putting about you if they were looking for a relationship with you. Ask them to be brutally honest. But mostly about things you may need to change.

I’m not saying to totally change yourself, but if they say something, like, you sound like a know it all or you don’t seem to try to contribute to a conversation, than those are things you can work on. Being a great listener is one thing, but shyness can sometimes seem like your are being secretive or that you are sending a message that you are bored with the conversation. Especially if you aren’t shy with friends but suddenly you clam up around new people.
A know it all can come off as confident but maybe a little bit too in love with themselves.
I knew a girl years ago that was very shy and pretty.. Unfortunately for her, she had what people called a resting bitch face. I knew her to be lovely and since I was able to break past the shyness, she was very lively around me. But, oye, did she suddenly clam up and have a stone face when she met people for the first time. It didn’t matter who. She would freeze in her shyness and retreat. People thought she was a snob. She was far from it.
The more confidence you gain the happier you will be. The happier you are the more people you will attract. People like to be around other people who make them feel good.
Eventually you will attract someone who may interested in asking you out. Or maybe you can try and ask them out. Especially if you find someone shy like yourself.

Buttonstc's avatar

Since you said you’re shy it’s unlikely you’ll be able to just go up to a guy and ask him out.

But here’s at least a partial solution. Selectively choose a few groups that interest you to join and become involved on a regular basis.

It could be either hobbies or volunteering, doesnt matter. Anything from volunteering at an animal shelter to joining an art or ceramics club or lessons.

It’s a lot easier to relate to people when you already have something in common. It’s better than the bar scene because you’re not just sitting around wasting time. You’re either learning or doing something.

Not every friend you make in these situations will turn into a romantic relationship but at least you’re making friends rather than sitting home crying.

There’s a lid for every pot, they say, and somewhere out there is the right one for you. But you will never meet him if all you do is stay at home alone and crying.

Start living life fully and joyfully and you’ll be surprised how people will be attracted to that.

You won’t be sending out a “desperate” type of vibe which sends men running (or just taking advantage with a one night stand of quick easy sex)

Live life joyfully and fake it till you make it. If you cry once in a while, that’s OK. Just don’t let it be habit forming and depressive.

If you learn to enjoy life then you’ll be fine whether or not a guy comes along. But you up the odds of one being attracted to you if you are living a full and joyful life. It increases the chances that they will find that an attractive quality and want to be a part of it (for life)

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