I don't think I'm depressed or bi-polar, but I'm super sensitive. How do I stop crying so much?

Hi y’all. As those of you who have read many of my questions over the past few years know, I’ve had some ups and downs in my life. Just like a lot of people.

For the uninitiated: my mother passed about three years back when I had just turned 24.

I had a really traumatic sexually and emotionally abusive relationship I escaped.

My childhood was kind of dismal. My parents were “providers” but not super loving or encouraging. My father was very physically and emotionally abusive and I’ve disowned him.

Those are the main things I’ve dealt with that I’m still kind of processing. My life is much better now though. I have a loving partner, a few good friends I don’t see often enough, and stable work as a freelancer. Overall, I consider myself to be pretty lucky and have a lot of reasons to be happy.

The problem is that I’m not really “over” a lot of stuff that I went through. I really try to be but those old demons keep rearing their heads. It’s hard for me to let go of my hatred for my cruel father, my mixed grief and anger toward my flawed dead mother and my disgust and pain over my ex raping and manipulating me.

The thing that makes it harder sometimes is that it’s hard to find people in my age range who can relate to my experiences. I feel like I’ve been through more than many people my age—especially in NYC, where a lot of people I encounter are from privileged backgrounds. I’m not saying their pasts are perfect but sometimes I feel embarrassed when they ask about mine and I either have to gloss over a lot of things or risk making them cringe or pity me.

Anyway, the reason I’m asking is that lately I’ve been getting choked and crying a lot about the past. Especially when I have one too many to drink. This has only become a problem recently and I’ve felt like I’m having a delayed reaction to some of the things I went through and alchohol removes the barrier that keeps me from expressing it. I don’t drink a lot but I’d like to be able to have some cocktails without having to worry about tears flowing and burdening my boyfriend with some really traumatic story about when my father told me I “deserved” to be raped or my ex making me throw out my mother’s ashes, etc.

I really wish I could afford therapy but I’m uninsured at the moment and it’s really expensive to pay out-of-pocket in my city.

My partner has been really patient and kind and never makes me feel embarrassed but I am. Luckily it hasn’t happened in public but I clearly need to stop drinking or learn some coping mechanisms. I’d rather not give up my weekly cocktail date either!