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Heather13's avatar

Does it seem like he may be burying his feelings in his new relationship?

Asked by Heather13 (495points) May 31st, 2016

I’m in a very strange situation. I’m a part of a big circle of friends, that I sometimes hang out with. But we get along well and goof around a lot. Anyway, this guy that is apart of our circle of friends jokes around a lot and its sometimes hard to tell when he is being serious. But as time went by, he started telling me he loves me and will do anything for me. Sometimes I get carried away and would ask him favors, which he eventually got tired of doing.

Anyway, he still tried to help me out. I would sometimes¬† reasure him that I would never take advantage of him. He acted smitten with me for months. But I always took it as a joke. He just kept say “I love you [my name]”. Randomly. I noticed that the more I laughed it off as a joke, the more he got quiet and serious after saying it. Then he disappeared for weeks. Then when he came back, he would stare at me a lot from a distance. While still coming¬† around to his old self and talk jokingly with me. There us this one girl, sorta a best friend to me, had overheard him telling me he loves me, and said “I knew it”. But I think that was shorlty before he disappeared

Anyway, I got things going on in my own personal life apart from these friends. So recently, I posted on my FB that I was in a relationship. Next thing I know, a month later to date, the girl posted that she is now in a relationship with him. And it got a lot of shocking response from our friends. But we all hit “liked” on the status.

Just a few days before their relationship status was posted, someone threw something that almost hit me, and he lost his temper and almost got in a fight. When he was asked why he got mad, he said I almost got hit.

Then a few days after that, he came around the rest of us without her, and everyone was talking about their new relationship. He said “Yes. Its official”. But he kept getting close to me for meaningless chattering and goofing around. He’s still staring at me a lot and just rambling off things I don’t understand. It’s almost like the first time when we became friends.¬† He just kept saying some weird hidden meaning chatter. Like “why won’t you just let me fly?”

What could he mean by that? He never explained any of the things he was saying to me.

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12 Answers

gorillapaws's avatar

The dude still likes you. Be careful about leading guys like that on.

“Sometimes I get carried away and would ask him favors, which he eventuqlly got tired of doing.”

That’s a dangerous game to play. At best you’re using the guy and at worse you could be exposing yourself to a dude who may become dangerous or feel like you “owe him” something. He could be dating the other girl just to try to make you jealous. He sounds immature, with a potentially scary temper and maybe stalker tendencies.

Cover your ass, keep your distance. Be direct. Be clear. Be honest. Don’t be flirty or ambiguous or send him “signals.” Just tell him: “I don’t, and will never have romantic feelings for you. Please respect my choice.”

marinelife's avatar

Are you interested in him or not? If not, it is not fair to lead him on and flirt with him or to ask him for favors. Your behavior here is what is suspect—not his.

Why are you thinking about him and what he means if you are in a relationship?

He told you over and over again that he loved you. Now, it appears that he is trying to move on even if he still has feelings for you.

Buttonstc's avatar

If he is burying his feelings (for you) with his new relationship, why is that a problem if you can’t ever see yourself having romantic feelings toward him?

It sounds like he is still stuck on you but trying to move on. Let him.

That doesn’t mean that you can’t still be friends with him but in each and every interaction with him you need to make it VERY CLEAR to him that he is “in the friend zone” as far as you’re concerned.

You need to avoid sending him mixed signals. Let him do whatever he needs to in order to get over you.

Heather13's avatar

I am not sending him mix signals. I am not usimg him. He always initiates our conversations. If I pass him by, he calls my name just for the sake of it. I never played with his feelings nor gave him any indication that I wanted to be with him. Yesterday, he just came up to me and said “let me fly. I need to fly”. He didnt explain what he meant.

marinelife's avatar

He meant that he feels that you are leading him on (which I think from your original question you were). He now wants to move on. Why are you so fixated about him and his motivations if you are in a relationship with someone else? Let the guy fly.

imrainmaker's avatar

I think you’re interested in him too..otherwise why would you care if he’s in relationship or not?

Heather13's avatar

@imrainmaker @marinelife

I actually thought he was in a relationship. I honeslty dont care much about his life. Its just that everything starts to add up. Since I post that I am in a relationship, she then post that she is in a relationship with him. I actually thinks its cute. And she is an amazing close friend of mine. It caught the rest of us off guard, because they never acted interested in each other. They are polar opposites. But they bot are very funny. Its just that he ismow acting even ,ore stranger with me, and didnt explain what he meant by “let me fly”, which he randomly said to me aftet walking up to where I was.
FYI, I dont flirt with anyone. I wouldnt even know where to begin. I joke with him like a kid brother. Just the same as the rest of ouf friends.

OneTruth's avatar

If you don’t have feelings or intentions for being in a relationship with a guy who openly told he loves you and would do anything for you, why on earth would you not make it clear that you don’t feel the same, and continue to be carried and ask favors and talk jokingly. That is wrong in many levels.

What he means by “let me fly” is actually not targeted towards you. It is targeted to him“self”, through you. You don’t keep him, hence you can’t let him fly. But he IS “kept” by you; pay attention here, it is not that you are keeping him but he is kept by you. And that is because of his love to you and your attitude to him.

The best advice I can give is to stop behaving the way you described and put a distance between you and this guy. He loved you, there is no doubt, but he realized there is no future for him with you, hence he wants to continue with his life, to fly away from you. You gotta help him by putting a distance, for both of your sake.

Heather13's avatar

@OneTruth

I see your point.
And again, I do not try to give him any wrong impression. We work together in a restaurant. Today we had the same shift. I went to work feeling sick. I think its the flu. Anyway, he started a rsndom conversation with me. He asked me if I was feeling ok I told him I was sick and was a bit dizzy driving to work. He got really concerned and told me “don’t ever do that. You pull over next time!” Then throughout the whole shift he kept asking if I was ok. Then at one point he asked me to do him a work related favor.

He said “I will love you forever”, if I did it. I told him it was not my decision. He said, “you don’t want my love?”. I walked away. Then he was saying how I am his favorite coworker. Which is something he always says. He saw me again in the back of the kitchen and said, “I need to see you in the kitchen”. His voice sounded sexual when he said that, yet, he seem to be joking. I just walked off. He was stand-offish for the rest of the shift. Everytime he tried talking to me today, I tried to walk away or say a few words that didn’t give him any wrong impression.

OneTruth's avatar

@Heather13

Sorry for my use of “why on earth” in my previous comment, I tried editing it later but it was too late. Reading your story had created that instinctual response. By the way, I hope you get well soon.

“We work together in a restaurant.”

Well, isn’t that something that complicates things further than necessary?

Honestly, I wouldn’t want to be in your position. I definitely wouldn’t want to work with a girl at the same place, who has feelings towards me and expressed it openly but I don’t feel the same. It would be pure weirdness all day along.

This is not a situation I have personal experience with but I will just try to give opinions from the perspective of a man. By the way, I will continue to assume that you have absolutely no feelings towards him and no intention to be anything more than a co-worker with him. Correct me if I am wrong, as I wouldn’t want to give the wrong advice.

Firstly, I think you are on the right track by being “more” formal with him. You should definitely continue with that with an increasing tone, even to an extent when he tries to talk to you about something non-work related that you go the route of “sorry, can’t talk right now”, “sorry, I’m busy”. That’s important because the more you talk to him, the more he will keep his “whatever it is” alive.

I said “whatever it is” because from your last comment, I can’t tell for sure what this guy is about. It looks to me that his feelings are diminishing since he told you he loved you but didn’t get the response he wanted. And now, though his feelings and hope is fading, he is still trying his chance to see if anything can happen.

Kind of a situation you wouldn’t want to be in yourself. One hour you feel the love and fight for it, do and say things even if they are weird, and the next hour, you feel nothing or an artificial “hate” that you created and try to push yourself away (remember “let me fly”).

He will continue to do similar things in the near future. Trying to talk to you about non-work related things, asking you work-related favors, showing you he cares about you and make jokes about love or “his love to you”.

What you will do is to continue growing the distance you put and see what happens. If he continues the same things in the same level/frequency, openly tell him to stop making you uncomfortable (e.g. to stop making love jokes, talking to you more than necessary, asking you favors – unless he “must”). If it continues, one further option would be to report to your supervisor if you have one.

Making a person uncomfortable at work by continuous emotional “harrassment” is not a joke or a simple thing and it SHOULD stop.

I don’t know if you would want to take it to that level, it is up to you. You either continue to be a “punch bag” of a guy who has a mixed mind and who does not really care if he is making you uncomfortable or not, or you do anything you can to stop it.

Continuing to make a woman uncomfortable after not getting a response to my feelings is definitely not something I would do as a man, and no man has the right to do it either.

I wish you good luck and hope that this “strange situation” comes to an end soon.

Heather13's avatar

@OneTruth

He’s not making me uncomfortable, nor harrassing me. He seems genuine. I feel sorry for him. Because he seems a bit embarrassed when I don’t gt as involved in his “conversations” as he would hope. When I say “joke” or “joking”, I meant in the sense of not that he doesnt mean what he says, but in the form of him being embarrassed to say what he says so to not make me feel weird about it. So its like he’s trying to to seem vulnorable, and to feel me out.

This is not to say I am defending him nor that I have feelings for him. Its just that I see first hand how he is. The impression I am getting is that he wants to keep trying to get me to like him and to believe he loves me. His comments indicate that he needs my approval for his feelings. And that he feels defeated when I just act indiferent.

OneTruth's avatar

Well then, there is nothing else to say. Who knows, maybe his dedication may get him the result he is seeking some day, that is, if he is actually seeking it.

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