Headlines you're waiting for?
Asked by
Jeruba (
55829
)
June 23rd, 2016
Hey, it works!
Here’s a headline I’d pay money to see:
In a Stunning Move, GOP Nominates Sanders
Note: Yes, I definitely made this up. Relax. This is not a real news story.
What headlines would you hold your breath for, in these weirder-than-ever times?
Tags as I wrote them: news, headlines, current events, politics, interesting times.
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26 Answers
- ”dormant, lethal, and uncurable virus awakens in 100% of humans. extinction unavoidable”
Over a photo of The Donald…
“You’re Fired!”
“Trumped”
“Giant Windbag Deflated Defeated!”
Trump Receives Billion-Dollar Donation and Charges Rent to His Campaign for $1 Billion and Laughs All the Way to the Bank
Drumpfs pants fall on stage as he say, America, America, oh great
America and his penis is even smaller than his baby hands.
“Headline reads. Maybe the rest of it is in his very, very big brain”
NRA leaders all go to jail for embezzlement and tax fraud and selling arms to terrorist. Names congressmen and senators who were co-conspirators Headline reads “Shoot your way out of that”!
Sit in give Paul Ryan Hemorrhoids!
Mitch McConnell (aka Cecil Turtle) found on the beach burying juevos. Only they were his own.
Bill Clinton leaves Hillary for Bruce Caitlyn Jenner!
Hillary Indicted By FBI, Sanders Is Party Nominee
All US Federal and State Lawmakers Resign Simultaneously.
Time to start over.
“Sentencing Hearing Set…for Psychiatrist Convicted of Sexual Abuse”
This one really did happen.
Many, many years ago, I heard the subject of this headline, a psychiatrist with a swanky practice in Montgomery County MD, say that “everyone likes young flesh” while accusing my late father of having molested me (absurd and untrue). My own flesh crawled in revulsion.
I gave very serious thought to filing a complaint with the state licensing board, going as far as to hire legal counsel. I was advised to do nothing. At the time, he was a respected physician, and my own evidence was anecdotal at best. I would have achieved nothing and been made to look ridiculous.
Yes, this man is now a convicted and registered sex offender with a revoked license. I deeply regret that I couldn’t do anything all those years ago, and that an underage girl was recently harmed by him. But, my sense of vindication and schadenfreude can’t be adequately described. I hate to think about how many people were hurt along the way, but the guy’s finally out of business.
NRA agrees to stop being an asshole.
Trump Suddenly Lost to Clinton.
China to Agree to Stop Messing with the World.
Kim Jong Un Killed in Major Riot, North Korea to Become Democratic.
God reveals himself and Tump struck by lightning. Twice.
WHOLE OF HUMANITY REALIZES IT IS RADICAL ISLAM’S TARGET.
MIRACLE INTELLIGENCE BOOSTING DRUG TRIGGERS END OF REALITY TELEVISION DOMINATION.
GUN FREE ZONES SUDDENLY OBSERVED BY CRIMINALS.
HILLARY CLINTON PUTS VOICE COACH AND PERSONAL STYLIST ON PAYROLL.
LANE DISCIPLINE SWEEPS US HIGHWAYS.
GUN CONTROL SUPPORTERS LEARN SINGLE TECHNICAL FACT ABOUT FIREARMS. ”(We’re) searching for ways to enhance credibility” says politician.
“CONGRESSIONAL TANTRUM” TREND ENDS.
LAWS ON BOOKS ENFORCED BEFORE NEW ONES WRITTEN.
MILLENNIALS WILLING TO MAKE PERSONAL SACRIFICES TO BETTER NATION. “John Kennedy was right.” says Williamsburg mixologist.
CLIMATE CHANGE: PNEUMONIA DEATHS DROP 16% WORLDWIDE.
CHINA AGREES TO OBSERVE INTELLECTUAL PROPERTY LAW.
PEACE IN MIDDLE EAST: “Religion of Peace” finally has effect.
“RACE BAITING NO LONGER PROFITABLE.” SAYS EXPERT. Supporters redirect funds to international manned Mars program.
“NEW TOP GEAR” PRESENTERS DIE IN FIRE. No comment from Stig.
The Trump instituted Supreme Court has reversed Roe v Wade; the genocide ends with a pen stroke!
We can start with that one, but there are many others.
DAVID CAMERON RESIGNS: A nation rejoices
Waiting no longer #brexit
@ucme I believe he has announced resigning in 3 months
@Pandora That’s always been the case, the party needs that time to elect a new leader, tantamount to a period of due diligence.
My feelings took that into account already & therefore stand, unchanged
Poverty at its lowest levels ever.
Middle class at its largest numbers ever.
US budget crosses over to a surplus for the first time since the Clinton years.
America tackles sky rocketing medical costs.
Cancer cured!
I am old enough to have seen a lot of things happen, from the assassination of a president, to the moon landing, to an impeachment, to home computers.
I’d still like to see rocket packs and flying cars, and a constitutional convention.
Clinton Muy Macho
Hillary Clinton, hoping not to be outdone by Donald Trump’s recent display of toughness, said today, “As president, not only will I not sit down to pee, but I will stand while defecating and I will defecate wherever and whenever I please, like a goat.”
“Astrology proved real! All Capricorns died today in elevator accidents!”
New Gun Control Law Passed—
All gun owners must now wear coonskin hats.
Trump Says Sorry: “it was all a terrible mistake, I don’t know what I was thinking.”
Trump sues U.S. Electoral College for electing Hillary—Claims it’s a scam because it doesn’t give degrees or do
infocommercials—
Threatens to deport dean and faculty
Trump Walks Away From Presidential Race: Trump announces it was all a lark, based on a $1 bet he’d made with Murdoch on a DC golf course. Never really interested in Presidency. Explains that it was fun while it lasted and became an object lesson to America on what a bunch of idiots they are and how their system is gamed.
Trump rumored to have bought an island for retirement somewhere in South Pacific.
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