Social Question

Odilia's avatar

Can falling in love be avoided even when you know you must NOT!

Asked by Odilia (59points) August 17th, 2016

Do you think falling in love can be controlled?
Is there anyone who can claim that you had forbade yourself from it?
Because you are married or anything else?

I am talking adult people, not puppy love. Not youngsters with no strings attached. People with grown up children with no warm understanding marital relationships. ‘Living a lie’ showing up at the family gatherings and having nothing to talk about, tired but for tons of reason (including relatives, financial, love for kids etc.)
Who all of a sudden found ‘that one’ and can’t shake it off for years…

Have anyone can shed the light? Thanks

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45 Answers

zenvelo's avatar

First of all, since you are talking about mature people, separate infatuation” from “falling in love”.

Mature people know that people don’t just fall in love, but become loving through becoming familiar and knowing someone faults and all.

To avoid falling in love? If you want to really avoid it, don’t get so close to someone that you are emotionally bonded.

(By the way, if one is trapped in a dead marriage, one can cut the binds and move on.)

Seek's avatar

The feeling of falling in love is similar to drug addiction. It’s a reaction to oxytocin.

Withdrawal sucks, but it’s survivable. Try chocolate.

anniereborn's avatar

@Seek I think that’s infatuation

Seek's avatar

Yep. That’s why I said falling, and not being.

Being in love is the thing that takes time and commitment. Being in love is what happens after the roller coaster finishes climbing.

Odilia's avatar

Not everyone has a stamina to cut binds.
Mature people as it is strange do fall in love so hard that it is even funny!
I could spit in anyone’s face 3 years ago if anyone told me I can find myself in this situation!
Are you kidding me? I am perfect wife for 23 years! Impeccable loving mother! Loving caring daughter. Hard worker, professional…you name it.
I had never in my life looked at another man. Well…after marriage.

Here I come for business purposes and see that man and feeling like I forgot my name.

Infatuation is 8 years old! Don’t tell me I am the only one, please.

Odilia's avatar

It might be confusing so I want to explain. Meeting had happened 8 years ago. Mutual attraction had never gone beyond business because I was sure he is happily married and all the conversations evolved around kids, business etc.
Actual coming out happened 3 years ago. Tried to break that several times but no luck.
I am still hoping it is going to fade but it is seem getting more color with each phone call.

Seek's avatar

If you’ve been emotionally unfaithful for eight years you’re not doing yourself, your spouse, or this person you’re infatuated with any favors.

It’s not going to fade as long as you keep up the phone calls.

Does your spouse know about this person and how you feel? About the phone calls?

I’ve always said that it doesn’t take sleeping with someone to be cheating. If you have to lie, you’re cheating.

olivier5's avatar

@Odilia Not everyone has a stamina to cut binds.

You should explain that too, me think.

Odilia's avatar

I don’t want to be! This is why I am soul searching for years!
I am actually doing favor to myself and AM (another man).
We are absolutely best friends and our conversations are what
makes our lives well, living! I would give myself brain surgery if
I could but then my life would become dead again. But I would
go for it. Just to stop the hurt. Though I had learned to live with it.
Experience is everything:( I know not funny!

Yes I lie! How can I stop?
I would like to hear from someone who did stop and ask how?

Odilia's avatar

Oliver, hi!
Its me with my stupid problem. I was wondering if you will find me.

I can explain. I think.
When you love your family and don’t want to hurt them – there you go.
Continuing to live this horrible lie!
When you had been tied to people for years – it is not just like ‘I want
Yes I might end up ok or not but everyone around me will suffer. Now
I am quietly suffering myself and trying to not to make it too visible.
For man divorcing is losing a lot more including financial and ‘public
opinion’...when you are known to the whole city and people in other
states. None of us ready. It was an agreement from the start. I was about
to cut but I am taking care of everyone in my family so is he. What’s now?
Thanks you had been always a great friend!

Seek's avatar

You are already hurting your family by cheating on your husband with this person.

If the other dude makes you happy, you should both leave your spouses and be together honestly.

If you cannot do that, you should come clean to your husband about your infidelity, and let him make an informed decision about whether he wants to be married to someone who carried on a three-year affair behind his back.

It’s too late to brush this under the rug. This is not a one night stand at a company Christmas party, this is an extramarital relationship.

Odilia's avatar

I appreciate your effort but were you ever in my shoes?
Are you married? With kids? Breadwinner in a family?
Have parents to take care of? Just need to know.
I’ve heard every word you said 1000 times.
I am looking for fresh breath of air from people in my shoes.
I do appreciate your input. Honestly. But I need something else.
I need solution. If there is any.

Seek's avatar

Maybe there’s a reason you’ve heard it a thousand times.

anniereborn's avatar

@Odilia With all due respect, I think you are looking for someone to tell you that what you are doing is okay. I think there are only two choices here….continue on as you are or cut ties with this other man. Neither one is an easy/good solution. Both choices bring pain to you and others. I don’t think you are going to hear anything “new”, even from someone who has been in the same situation as you.

Odilia's avatar

I am hoping though it is seems impossible.
I don’t think we are bringing pain to anyone.
I know it is not ok and will not even trust if anyone say that to me because I am not as stupid as my post looks. I just need to vent, search and get it out of my system.
Thanks for reply.

P.S. We had cut it a few times for about 6 month. Not 1 day I wasn’t thinking about it.
24/7…maybe it is mental desease?

Seek's avatar

Let’s play a game: tomorrow, at the breakfast table, your husband tells you he’s been having an affair with a woman down the block. That he’s tried to break it off, but he’s in love with her. He wanted to tell you for years, but he doesn’t want it to affect your marriage.

What you say?

Odilia's avatar

I say THANKS HEAVENS! Whatever makes you happy honey.
Honestly! I will be very upset for our child though because she
thinks we are perfect family and she will be crushed!
He is like a brother to me for years.
I do love him but it would make me free and more available for me.

Seek's avatar

If that is actually the case, you should tell your husband. As soon as possible.

Honestly, he doesn’t deserve to waste his life married to someone who thinks of him as a brother.

Odilia's avatar

I sent you pm.
See what you think

Odilia's avatar

You had never told me about your personal marital stuff.

kritiper's avatar

I can only speak as a man who has been deeply in love: no.

Mariah's avatar

You must cut this person off or leave your husband. This half-commitment is not fair. Leave excuses behind, make a decision, and act.

ucme's avatar

It just doesn’t work like that, if the “must not” is because you’re in a loving, committed relationship, then you should have love pretty much covered & nowt else enters your thoughts
If your relationship is failing beyond repair then bail, simple

Odilia's avatar

no what?

Oh, did you mean falling in love can’t be controlled?

Odilia's avatar

, oxytocin is classed as a nonapeptide (a peptide containing nine amino acids), while its biological classification is as a neuropeptide. It acts both as a hormone and as a brain neurotransmitter. The release of oxytocin by the pituitary gland acts to regulate two female reproductive functions…

So can that thing be controlled? By other drugs? Like eliminate it’s destructive affect on human brain?

anniereborn's avatar

@Odilia You can not take some medication to “fall out of love”.

Odilia's avatar

Too bad:(
We are building spaceships but no one cares about the actual problems with real people. :(

Seek's avatar

My personal life is irrelevant to this conversation.

Regarding what you said in PM:

You are already making harmful choices for your husband. You are forcing him to be married to an unfaithful partner without his consent.

He deserves to choose whether he would rather be alone or find a new partner than be with you.

There’s also the possibility his drive is low because he knows you’re unfaithful, and doesn’t want to tell you he knows.

You’re holding him hostage in a loveless marriage for your own selfish reasons.

You need to grow up.

Odilia's avatar

I think your personal info is always relevant if you are advising others.
Let’s say if you are 20 and never married – you can only tell me stuff you
had heard about but had not lived it.

Like I said 3 years ago I would laugh in anyone’s face and would be just
as you telling me every word you told me. Because I did not believe things
can happen like that! Also about drive – it WAS low waaay before all happened
with me. If you were married for over 20 years you would be able to relate
because you would be on the same page with me.

There is a whole thread ‘why women hate to sleep with their husbands’ and I
did not. I told you about me ‘attending’ to his needs. And his refusal in favor of
the movie. So how much experience do you have in marital relationships?

Seek's avatar

I would hardly take the advice of a serial philanderer if I were in your situation, though it seems that’s what you’re looking for.

Odilia's avatar

philanderer ?

What are you talking about?

You are too young to be so opinionated and you are never immune from
what happened to me. No one is. So pray you will not ever go to bed and
wake up with pain as I do. And never say never my child…

jca's avatar

Can falling in love be avoided when you know you must not?

Yes. You talk yourself out of it. You stay away from that person. You remind yourself of why falling for this person is not in your best interests. You don’t flirt with the person. You don’t find reasons to contact them.

Aethelwine's avatar

Yes it can be controlled. I’ve been with the same man since I was 20. We’re both 45 now. We’ve been married for 24 years and have two adult sons and a 12 year old daughter.

My husband and I have had many ups and downs. We’ve both had moments when we didn’t feel appreciated and we’ve both had an emotional affair. You stop the affair when you realize you are hurting yourself and your spouse. You stop when you realize your marriage is worth fighting for.

Or you don’t stop and you continue being a cheater. That never ends well.

chyna's avatar

Sounds like your boyfriend has the best of both worlds. He has a wife and family and you on the side. He keeps telling you that all of this has to be kept quiet because of his standing in the community.
I feel like you came here to get our blessing to your cheating because you have an answer to all who tell you to stop the affair. And that is the answer to your question. Stop all contact with him. Do you really think this is right when it hurts so many people? Or will hurt so many people when it comes out and it will eventually.
Do you know how these things usually work out? The “other woman”, you, ends up getting a divorce and the cheater usually keeps his wife because keeping him is easier than trying to live alone in middle age.

jca's avatar

Also, it’s very likely that the man you are fooling around with is tied up financially with his marriage. House, pension, etc. Is he going to give all that up for you?

If you really think so, you should tell the guy “I’m leaving my husband for you.” Then you should tell your husband “I’m leaving you for another man.” Lay the cards out on the table for everyone. Don’t fool around behind your husband’s back. Why hide it?

RedDeerGuy1's avatar

~When the heart calls.

Response moderated (Unhelpful)
Seek's avatar

Call me a child all you like. It doesn’t make me wrong, or you right.

Pandora's avatar

Yes. My first real love whom I broke it off with because I knew he was not good for me. I knew he and I would never work. The same way people can convince themselves they are in love, they can convince themselves that a love needs to die for your own benefit. I knew, even if somehow we were to get married some day, it would be a disaster. He was not trust worthy and once my trust is lost, there is no getting it back.

janbb's avatar

I have had to fall out of love a few times not during my marriage but after. It’s not easy, The best way to do it, if you decide to, is to avoid that person completely and to avoid anything that triggers memories. Yes, you will obsess about them for a time but eventually it does fade.

I stayed in a dry marriage for years for safety and then one day my husband came home and called it quits. I thought I could always count on him to stay but he didn’t. It’s possible this will happen to you at some point.

You have some serious thinking and work to do whichever way you decide to act. But it’s painful living a lie.

Coloma's avatar

@Odilia Thousands of people get divorced after years of marriage.
You are living a lie and even worse, you are letting your husband live your lie unbeknownst to him.
It is time to woman up. If you really think this fling is the real deal then find the guts to tell your lover and husband and get a divorce. It can be done, it IS done, all the time, and while not a pleasant experience it is the RIGHT thing to do if you no longer care for your husband and have been carrying on for THREE years with another. Stop looking for the easy way out, there is no easy way out, you have to go THROUGH with what you have to go through with.

What you are doing is not okay and you need to get clear, and fast, after 3 years, about what you are willing to DO about this situation you have found yourself in. Just do it and stop making excuses. If you can’t be honest with yourself, your husband, your family, you sure as hell can’t be honest with anyone else either. Not a match made in heaven when two adults choose to keep lying for years on end.

Neither you nor your lover are trustworthy and the odds of you both being really honest in any relationship are pretty feeble. You and lover boy are both bad relationship risks, for each other and anyone else that may strike your fancies in the future.
Ask him if he is willing to leave his family for you, odds are the anwser is “no.”

olivier5's avatar

I have to agree with the majority position here: the best route is to talk to your husband, and see what he says.

It’s morally the right thing to do, and as many such moral things, it’s tough on the short term but could pay off on the long term, if only in terms of restored self-esteem. Or it could backfire—nobody knows. If your husband is a violent man, it could go very very bad if you tell him.

Of course, if you “do the right thing” and divorce your man, there is absolutely no certainty that the other man will do the same. Even if he gets a divorce, there is no certainty that you two will succeed as a legit couple. But it’s still worth a try, I’d say.

Now, if telling your husband is really undoable for some reason, then you are opting for a life of dissimulation… It’s hard but it can be done. A friend of mine recently discovered she had a half-brother she knew nothing about: her now deceased father had lived a secret parallel life with another family for decades. That “secret family” showed up at the funerals, and the brother talked to my friend. She was a bit taken aback at first but now she is delighted about it: the guy is very funny and nice, he looks like their father very very much, and it’s all working fine for them both. I can’t see myself living through such a life (much too complicated for my taste) but it can be done and we should not assume that these things always go wrong.

Sometime good things happen, even to “bad” people (=not entirely moral people).

LostInParadise's avatar

I don’t think that married people fall in love with someone other than their spouse unless the marriage is no longer working. The first question you have to ask yourself is whether you find your marriage fulfilling. If not then you have to do some serious soul searching regarding your options. Continuing to cheat on your husband is not one of them. Have you spoken to this guy about whether he would be willing to leave his wife?

chyna's avatar

Apparently @Odilia didn’t like our responses or advice. She has left the building.

olivier5's avatar

^^ she’s totally confused. My reading is she’s been going after this image of the perfect woman, the working mom who’s also the perfect wife, and pretty too (me guess)... She admits to having been a tad self-righteous as some conformists can be… And then one day KA-BOOM, she falls in love like one falls from a chair.

So now she KNOWS she’s not a perfect woman at all. But she doesn’t know how to stop pretending to be a perfect woman. She keeps trying to suppress her love, in order to go back to her old self. Hence the question. And the answer is: She or he would have to change job, go work elsewhere (she and number 2 are co-workers). Another difficult choice.

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