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Sneki95's avatar

What is the most hilarious insult you've ever heard?

Asked by Sneki95 (6997points) September 25th, 2016

If you haven’t heard any, come up with one on your own.

C’mon, let the evil flow through you.

Just don’t insult each other, please.

Observing members: 0 Composing members: 0

72 Answers

SmashTheState's avatar

George Bernard Shaw: I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend – if you have one.

Winston Churchill: Cannot possibly attend first night; will attend second – if there is one.

SQUEEKY2's avatar

1. If people are having are hard time understanding what I am trying to say, I usually say OK OK I will go slow so you understand.

Espiritus_Corvus's avatar

“A sheep in sheep’s clothing.”

Temporary backbencher Winston Churchill on British Prime Minister Nevile Chamberlain as the PM arrived back in England after the 1938 Munich Conference. The Nazi government stated that they only wanted the Sudentenland south of Germany, and nothing else, that all the states of Europe had nothing to fear. Chamberlain came home and was quoted in headlines throughout the world as cheerfully stating, “We Will Have Peace In Our Time!” Only Churchill spoke out publicly. Within 18 months, Hitler had air and infantry bases in all of Western Europe, from Norway to Spain, with his spear pointed at Great Britain. .

“A modest man, who has much to be modest about.”
Chuchill again on Chamberlain when the PM stepped down.

My most recent favorite may or may not be an insult, but more an expression of frustration:

“I keep trying to baptize you people, but you keep farting!
It’s Serbian. Brought to us by Snecki.

azlotto's avatar

If someone says: Fu.k you.

Response: Not without protection and a note from your mother.

Espiritus_Corvus's avatar

Lady Astor to Churchill:
“Winston, if you were my husband I would flavor your coffee with poison”

Churchill: “Madam, if I were your husband, I should drink it”

ragingloli's avatar

“I fart in your general direction.”

azlotto's avatar

@ragingloli…Lol. I got that…and…Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries.

Sneki95's avatar

Three submissions by Churchill! Damn, he had a serious lack of fucks to give. :D

@azlotto…and your father smelled of elderberries. I knew that one would show up.

@Espiritus_Corvus It basically means “this argument is pointless” or “I’m talking to a brick wall”.

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azlotto's avatar

@Sneki95…Umm, Thanks?

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SmashTheState's avatar

@ragingloli Shut your festering gob, you tit! Your type makes me puke! You vacuous, toffee-nosed, malodorous PERVERT!

Coloma's avatar

I enjoy my own humorous insults of which I can be quite talented in.

I often like to describe certain personalities as having the personality of a….loaf of bread, many crusty sourdough a hamster, doorknob, dirt clod, paper bag, etc. There is no end to the possibilities.

I once told my ex husband that I was more women than he could handle and more man than he’d ever be. It wasn’t even said with any real animosity, just more a factual musing. lol

I also referred to his bald spot as the “crop circle” and often enjoyed tossing little pebbles at it from the balcony of our second floor master bedroom. Bulls eye! haha

zenvelo's avatar

A woman tried to cut me off in a parking lot, and when i took the spot, proceeded to flip me off and yell obscenities.

I told her, “you give c***s a bad name.”

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ragingloli's avatar

“Your mum is so dead, the only ones who are going down on her now, are the worms!”

Seek's avatar

A great insult demands context.

janbb's avatar

Well, last week I got a note on my car, “You park like an asshole. Have a nice day dickface.” I don’t think I’ve ever been called a dickface before.

filmfann's avatar

Kathy Griffin was being heckled during a New Years Eve television broadcast.
She yelled at the heckler something like “Shut the fuck up! I don’t come to your job and knock the dick out of your mouth!”

ragingloli's avatar

@filmfann
She stole that from Jimmy Carr.

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Seek's avatar

There’s a local comedian who tends to attract bad hecklers.

Once, this one guy just wouldn’t shut up. Paul did his normal insult routine then goes, “hey, I’m sorry man, if I buy you a drink can we call it even?”

He gets a handshake from the guy and then says, “Ey, Bartender! How ‘bout a vinegar and water for the douchebag in the second row?”

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LostInParadise's avatar

A long argument between two political leaders ends with the following exchange:

You, sir, will certainly either die upon the gallows or of a social disease.

That depends, sir, upon whether I embrace your principles or your mistress.

I recalled the quote but could not remember who said it. When I did a search, I found this link saying that the it is uncertain who the two people were.

Espiritus_Corvus's avatar

^^I’ve always thought that was a famous exchange between Gladstone and Disraeli on the floor of the House of Lords, with Gladstone making the initial accusation. But, you’re right, the authorships are now in question. But the response certainly sounds like it was spat from the often acrid tongue borne of the lightening-quick wit of Disraeli. Every site seems to have a different answer,

janbb's avatar

Winston Churchill was great for a number of snappy comebacks.

Here’s one that’s attributed to him that hasn’t been mentioned:

Seated next to a woman at a dinner party who said:

“You sir, are drunk!”

“Yes, but in the morning I’ll be sober but you’ll still be ugly.”

janbb's avatar

And a doctor friend of mine used to say when told, “I want a second opinon.”

“You’re fat and ugly too.”

JoyousLove's avatar

I’m sure your project with break new ground! Just like StarCraft: Ghost.

Mimishu1995's avatar

Maybe the most hilarious insult is that this is in General. It’s like saying “Don’t you talk shit about me!” ~

There is a man in my country who is so infamous for being an internet dirtbag that all he gathers is hate. Someone decided to make a video game about him. It’s basically a Paceman game with his head as your character. And instead of dots, you collect pieces of shit. In the background are some of his infamous photos on the internet doing disgusting things and the song Who Let the Dogs Out looping. Whenever you win a level there is the voice of him ripping straight from a video of him insulting others. I laugh all the way. Oh, and the game is literally called “Shit Licker”.

JoyousLove's avatar

If I wanted to suicide, I’d jump from your ego to your IQ.

Seek's avatar

Scotland roasted Donald Trump over his Brexit tweet and it was glorious.

Seek's avatar

I personally like “bloviating flesh bag” and “incompressible jizztrumpet”.

Sneki95's avatar

@Mimishu1995 Would you beleive me if I told you anything in my defence?

@Seek I’ve seen it. Didn’t know Scots are that good at insulting. :D

Mimishu1995's avatar

@Sneki95 see the ~ thing? It means that I’m just joking.

Coloma's avatar

@JoyousLove LOL..I like that one! haha

I always liked Dorothy Parkers quip ” Leave it to me to put all of my eggs in one bastard.”

stanleybmanly's avatar

Yo mama’s so ugly they changed Halloween to Yomamaween. Yo mama’s so ugly that the refugees from Katrina send her money.

JoyousLove's avatar

Yo momma’s so mean, she has no standard deviation.

ragingloli's avatar

Your mother is so fat, the escape velocity at her surface exceeds 3*10^8 m/s.

janbb's avatar

And then there’s the classic, “Your Mama wears combat boots” – which I never understood why it was insulting. :-)

Sneki95's avatar

@janbb Maybe because Mom looks like Dad?

JoyousLove's avatar

Yo momma’s so obese, the recursive algorithm calculating her mass causes a stack overflow.

janbb's avatar

Where are all the insult your Dad insults? Just curious.

ragingloli's avatar

Your mother is so fat, if you spun her really fast, she would cause space-time frame dragging.

Seek's avatar

Your daddy’s so dumb he thought Fruit Punch was a gay boxer.

That’s literally the only one I know.

ragingloli's avatar

Yo daddy so fat and ugly when he plays Mortal Kombat, Scorpion said “Stay over there”

JoyousLove's avatar

Yo daddy so square, SpongeBob is jealous.

ragingloli's avatar

Your daddy is so hairy, he got shot at by zoo keepers.

Seek's avatar

Your daddy’s so… wait… where is your daddy?

Sneki95's avatar

Your dad is so bald that I used his head as a mirror!

ragingloli's avatar

Your daddy’s dick is so small, your parents had to wait for gay marriage to be legalised.

RedDeerGuy1's avatar

Your family is so poor that you can’t afford to pay attention.

ucme's avatar

Your mam’s pussy is so big when your dad got parkinson’s she used him as a vibrator

Sneki95's avatar

Yo mama’s so fat that even Storm troopers can’t miss while aiming at her.

ucme's avatar

You’re so fucking ugly you have a face like a smacked arse

Sneki95's avatar

U.G.L.Y. You could make an onion cry

stanleybmanly's avatar

Yo mama’s so fat she has her own zip code.

cazzie's avatar

That boy couldn’t pour piss out of a boot if the directions were written on the bottom. —my dad, circa 1983

Brian1946's avatar

Hey Trump- your intelligence and leadership abilities are surpassed only by your humility.

LornaLove's avatar

You’re as welcome as a fart in a spacesuit

ragingloli's avatar

What is the difference between two dicks and a joke? You can’t take a joke.

omfgTALIjustIMDu's avatar

Your mama’s so fat she walked into The Gap and filled it.

omfgTALIjustIMDu's avatar

Old Yiddish insults:
May your life be filled with doctors and lawyers.
All his teeth should fall out except one to give him a toothache.
May you run to the toilet every 3 minutes or every 3 months.
He has as much sense as a church has mezzuzahs.
If he were twice as smart he’d be an idiot.

janbb's avatar

Hi Tali – how are ya??

omfgTALIjustIMDu's avatar

@janbb Hi! I’m doing well! Couldn’t resists a good insult thread :) How are you??

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