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LornaLove's avatar

What would be a relationship deal breaker for you?

Asked by LornaLove (9931points) October 23rd, 2016

I read an interesting agony aunt question, whereby the husband although loving his wife, had decided to leave because she had become overweight.

The agony aunt replied that she understood that this was a dealbreaker for him and that in fact, long story short, he had done the right thing for him. (He just was not attracted to her), but yes he did love her.

Okay, with that thought in mind, I did think most deal breakers were discussed prior to a relationship and most definitely before a marriage. Not during the marriage. Although I understand that some things that can happen during a relationship or marriage can be deal breakers.

So, with that in mind, what would your deal breakers be? What do you think of the guy mentioned situation?

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40 Answers

SecondHandStoke's avatar

Eastern Germans that pretend to be Japanese girls in internet forums.

azlotto's avatar

My wife show up.

Sneki95's avatar

Saying lol out loud. Insta deal breaker.

Buttonstc's avatar

Smoking. Addiction to drugs or booze.

JLeslie's avatar

Spending a lot of money without discussing it. Anything over $1,000 I would expect to at least have a mention, but divorce court would be up more like $5k plus and more than once. A pattern like that and I’m out.

If we had children and he was abusive to them I’m gone. Don’t lay a mean hand on my kids! I guess the one tricky thing is if I’m not likely to get full custody I might feel more able to protect my kids if I’m there.

Lying. Probably not the first lie, but if I see a pattern I wouldn’t be able to take it.

Cheating. Also, probably ky not the first time, but more than once and either he’s out, or there is some businesslike reason to stay together and there is an understanding, but it’s vest unlikely I could live like that.

Constantly putting me down. We go through spells when we are under stress that some bad interactions go on, but luckily it’s never very extreme and we recover fast, but if everything was negative I couldn’t take it.

Drinking too much. I would never marry someone who drinks every night or gets drunk regularly. If my husband started drinking regularly I’m sure I would tolerate it for a long time, because we are married so long already, but it would be a big test. I would hate it.

Espiritus_Corvus's avatar

Treachery in any form might make me stand back and re-evaluate the pros and cons. Frequent acts of cowardice. Belittling the less fortunate. These are core character flaws. My two former spouses didn’t do these things, ever. They both were very good people. There would have to be something awfully wrong with them if they started to and I would definitely take the time to find out the reason for this change. As to friends, I’ll cut an old friend some slack, but not for long.

LOL. My second wife loved my cooking. She put on the pounds bigtime for awhile and it made her very unhappy. I finally got her into the gym and lightened up on the classic French cuisine. But I would have never left her for that. She was a good woman and we had many years of unique experiences together, unique to us, things nobody ever or would ever know about. You don’t throw all that down the drain over a goddamn weight gain.

SecondHandStoke's avatar

Anyone that would write off someone simply for smoking regardless of the person’s other attributes.

And other snobby, self conscious people that believe their chosen indulgences are acceptable but those of others are not.

I guess open mindedness is like having good driving habits.

Everyone thinks they have both.

So few actually do.

chyna's avatar

Smoking, tattoos covering his arms and yes someone that became obese for no medical reason, that just ate and ate.

Darth_Algar's avatar

Children – having or wanting.

Incoherency_'s avatar

Smoking- however, eating or drinking tobacco is okay.

Kids- having or wanting them, but eating them is okay.

Weight- being in shape is dealbreaker, unless it’s for medical or vindictive reasons.

Espiritus_Corvus's avatar

The only deal breaker I can think of would be if my partner picked up a habit of substance abuse. This does not include cigarettes, which is bad enough because, if it’s a marriage, the non-smoker stands a chance of watching the other’s health go down the drain during the years when both of them should be having fun.

But I’ve never, ever seen a relationship where there was on-going substance abuse where they stoically stayed together, that the non-using spouse didn’t eventually became a user too. Bloody fucking tragic to see. Over-indulgence of hard drugs or alcohol is a huge deal breaker for me. I will ghost a person like that at first sign. You can never win against that and I’m not about to go to their personal “rock bottom” with them. I have a life to live.

I think the guy in the details is a superficial little piece of shit.

elbanditoroso's avatar

Stupidity. And smoking. Oops, same thing.

stanleybmanly's avatar

No answer is gonna top @azlotto

RedDeerGuy1's avatar

Being inconsiderate .

chyna's avatar

Being rude to waiters.

ragingloli's avatar

Nicotine addicts in denial that are simultaneously apple hipster faggots fanboys.

RedDeerGuy1's avatar

Teasing me.

Earthbound_Misfit's avatar

Repeated cheating and perhaps a one-time affair depending on the circumstances.

Drug, alcohol or gambling addition with no attempt to seek help.

Abuse of me or other people. Emotional or physical.

Pied_Pfeffer's avatar

My partner’s deal-breakers are having an affair or a pet. Mine are that he turns out to be a child molester or a serial killer. There may be others, but they haven’t cropped up on the discussion radar yet.

kritiper's avatar

That she’s boinking somebody else.

ucme's avatar

Burger nipples & a pubic bush you could lose a badger in

Hypocrisy_Central's avatar

There are a couple of dozen things, but in a loaded question like this, one cannot answer without being slandered as a misogynist, or worse……...I guess no one here will truly ever know what they are.

janbb's avatar

Cruelty and joylessness

SQUEEKY2's avatar

Abuse, or being unfaithful are the only deal breakers in my book everything else can be worked through.

Darth_Algar's avatar


Why not just say what you really want to say? You’re not afraid to are you?

Hypocrisy_Central's avatar

^ Why not just say what you really want to say?
*You’re not afraid to are you?*
I wish the thread to stay pure and unadulterated with soapboxers taking offense to what I say. Afraid? I wish I would be afraid of anyone here…..

Darth_Algar's avatar


Just say it man. Otherwise you kinda look like a child trawling for attention by announcing that he has a big secret, but that he can’t tell anyone.

Hypocrisy_Central's avatar

^ Just say it man…]
Well, guess it is time for the thread to go hijack, for surely someone say something dumb, it will be on.

Deal breakers for me, someone else they might be cool with it:
• Any woman over 5ft 7in.
• Having a BMI greater than 21.2.
• Any woman who has had an abortion.
• Any woman who believes in abortion.
• Any woman who is an atheist.
• Nose rings.
• Face jewelry (implanted type)
• Tattoos on the thigh, breast, anywhere on the mid to upper back, buttocks, shin, feet, hand, forearms (small one on the wrist maybe), face, neck (not set in stone, depending on tattoo), stomach, hips, or collar bone.
• Can’t or won’t wear 4inch or greater heels.
• Breast implants.
• Smokes (weed or tobacco, cigars OK)
• Uses street drugs.
• Drinks more than occasional glass of wine.
• Uses more make up than lip gloss, mascara and eyeliner.
• Kids from a prior relationship (maybe, but slim)
• A feminist.
• Dishonest.
• Argumentative.

That is a good start.

Quip all you want but if obese women find mates or at least a boinking partner, there is someone for everyone.

Unofficial_Member's avatar

Someone who is controlling. I mean, any type of control.

My freedom belong to me alone and as long as our actions don’t disturb each others there won’t be conflict.

flutherother's avatar

Over controlling behaviour and spending money recklessly have led to relationships of mine breaking down.

LuckyGuy's avatar

@Espiritus_Corvus Thank you for pointing out the special date.

For me the big 3 are:
Drug/alcohol/food addiction
Religious fanatic

Aster's avatar

I walk out the door if he:
drinks alcohol to excess except at a party
criticizes me
calls me derogatory names
has a lot of tattoos
does street drugs or engages in doctor shopping
is a hoarder
doesn’t let me do my thing daily
smokes cigarettes or weed
makes fun of God
bathes once a week
tells me how I can spend MY money
spends his days on a bed with snacks
wouldn’t volunteer to help around the house if he’s retired
Joins porno websites
And probably a few other things.

Hypocrisy_Central's avatar

^^ @Hypocrisy_Central are you this guy?
Nope, never heard of the bloke, not my doppelganger and I am not his.

cinnamonk's avatar

@Hypocrisy_Central you seem to have a lot in common.

Hypocrisy_Central's avatar

^ @Hypocrisy_Central you seem to have a lot in common.
What are his views on animals? What does he think of capitalism, science, God, democracy, Trump or Hilary? You do not know all of how I view those things much less how he sees them to compare us in any shape or form.

DarknessWithin's avatar

- If he prefers me in a dress, a skirt, a v-neck shirt and/or makeup. I loath that crap, I’m a graphic tees and jeans woman and that’s not gonna change.
– If he tries to push his religion, beliefs or lifestyle on me. I’d have no problem with it being his religion, his beliefs or his lifestyle within reason, but I couldn’t accept his obligating me to share them.
Ex. I’d have no problems with him being a vegan but he’d have to be alright watching me eat meat and other animal products because I’m not giving them up.
– If he tolerates my family as opposed to loves them and wants to be around them.
– If he tries to rush me into sex or marriage. I want those things but when I feel it’s right.
– if he treats me as inferior to him. I believe we should be equals.
– If he’s not a good listener.
– If he’s as impatient and temperamental as I can be. I need someone who can help me overcome that not make it worse.
– If he’s as quiet and reserved as I am, I need someone who will bring me out of my shell and sometimes give me a push to get my going on something.

lilbitofsunshine's avatar

Cheating and or abuse would end it

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