I don't want to die but I hate living, what to do?

I am so sorry that you are struggling.

When one wants to die, one is usually clinically depressed, which means that your thinking about life and your situation is not right.

It sounds from what you have said like you spend a lot of time comparing yourself to others. Try not to do that. First of all, you need to care about yourself more. You need to love yourself. Secondly. you really can’t compare yourself honestly to others, because you have no way of knowing everything that is going on in their lives. Many of them may appear together and successful, but, in reality, they are struggling mightily.

Therapy can help you. It is not a quick fix, but it can help. I urge you to take that first all-important step and talk to a professional. You also might benefit from medication for depression.

Please reach out to someone in real life and get the help you need and deserve. I, for one, care about you and what happens to you. Please keep me updated.

The first thing that jumps out at me from the details that you shared is the “comparing myself to others” line.

I don’t know how easy it is to stop doing that (and now that I think on it some more, I can’t recall when I stopped doing it, or how), but “comparing self to others” is going to be a losing proposition for nearly anyone, I think. You will always always come up short in some areas, and for some reason those will appear to be the most important aspects of your life. Meanwhile, you will ignore the countless others who you surpass so far as to make comparison laughable. It’s like climbing a hill and only looking at the next upward step or series of steps, while ignoring all of the steps that you’ve already taken. (Maybe that’s a poor analogy, because you do need to stay on the road, after all, and perhaps the road leads uphill for now.)

So if you can do it, stop comparing your life, your journey, your burdens (and accomplishments, too) to others. That’s the first thing.

Next, I would recommend that you find some way to either start a process of atonement, apologizing or in some other real way to make up for whatever perceived bad things you’ve done (to others, anyway) that weigh upon your conscience. Perhaps you can’t atone directly to someone from your past or someone you will never see again, but you can do something – however small – today, for someone else in an attempt to balance out the bad karma from whatever you’ve done in the past. If I recall correctly, this is already part of the way you live your life, isn’t it? I realize that you may be prevented from doing what you might have chosen to do in this way, but I think there is nearly always something that can be done to make life more tolerable for others, especially for those who can’t do anything for themselves.

Moderators won’t remove this question; this is one of the best purposes for Fluther.

Don’t worry, it won’t be removed because you’re making a cry for help & that would be just wrong.
I know it can be difficult, but try not to compare yourselves to others, let alone unfavourably.
You are who you are & from what I just read on your profile, that’s all i’ve got to go on, you sound lovely.
Stick around & i’m sure you’ll get some great answers which might inspire you to a better way of thinking at least, most of us are a caring, sharing lot, if nothing else :)

It seems to me, you’ve done the first thing. You’ve acknowledged you’re struggling and you need some form of help. That’s a huge, huge step.

What you need to do now is find the strength to walk through the emergency department doors, or to see your doctor and to find the right people to help you to find the courage, support and guidance you need to take the next step.

I agree with @CWOTUS that you sound clinically depressed. Knowing why I feel terrible always helps me when something is not right in my life. If you can find the right person to talk to, being able to unpack why your life has gone the way it has, might help you to find a better path.

I’m going to send this to another jelly who will be able to give you more help @jazzjeppe.

Please keep talking to us here. There are so many good people here who would be happy to keep holding your hand – even if it’s only virtually. There are some truly wise and caring people here. Thanks for reaching out.

@jazzjeppe I, too, have been on the edge. I was right on the edge of doing the act when my phone rang. I picked it up, and I told the friend on the other end what I was doing. My friend came and took me the the hospital where I got help.

I went through years of very bad mental health, but I can tell you without a doubt that it gets better. I healed.

I healed with help, but the help did not come until I asked for it. I had to go to the hospital and from there, I started the treatment that would make me feel good.

Go to the hospital, and this time, go inside and tell them what’s going on. It’s the only thing that works. We cannot be your therapists. You need to talk to another person face-to-face so you can get real help. We here on the internet cannot help you that way.

It’s scary, but I did it. You can, too.

What He said ^^^
Wishing you the best of luck.

@Hawaii_Jake Hugs! I have been there too. @Hawaii_Jake has some very good advice and you really do need to do as he advises. I wish you luck and pray you get the help you need.

If you dont enjoy life, find a better way of living. Giving up produces nothing but misery for everyone who cares about you.

Many people have felt just like you do now and found better options. Learn from them. Get help. Find a way that works for you. Reach out. Do it today.

I feel I was in your shoes but I will not assume for the same reason. Mine was self medicating with alcohol and I knew it was destroying my life. For months/years I knew I needed help. I too stood outside that door and lacked the courage to open it. I finally opened that door and walked into my first AA meeting and it was like a mountain was lifted off my shoulders. You took a HUGE first step in opening up here to others about your fears…take that next deep breath and let this help that is out here to embrace you and your struggle.

Life’s a bitch, ‘tis true. But one must slog on in hopes, however faint, that situations might yet improve. Hang in there for as long as possible, as death will be reward soon enough anyway.
If you think you’ve got it so bad, take a look around and you will find someone else who is worse off.
Buck up! If you’re down as low as you can get today, then up is where you’re bound tomorrow!
(I dig where you’re coming from and I totally feel for you.)
Best of luck!

Go get the help. What specifically is stopping you?

I would suggest just seeking out a therapist. Maybe the whole hospital thing feels too drastic to you? The therapist can help you decide if you need inpatient help. You seem fairly self aware, so I think there is a good chance you can work through it with a therapist.

If I remember correctly you are a teacher and you asked Q’s that showed how much you cared about your students. You also do charitable work.

I think you need to be a little selfish right now. Just my opinion. Do things that you want to do. Shut off the news, shut off things that are stressful, and focus on planning things to look forward to. Simplify as much as you can. Take burdens off of yourself. Next, focus on friends. Spend time with people you find interesting and who make you happy. You may not feel the happy you used to because of the depression, but just keep faking it till you make it, and eventually, hopefully, you will get back to feeling good.

Little steps. Don’t plan so many things it’s overwhelming.

I was very happy to see you back here in a different Q, and I’m sorry to hear you aren’t feeling well. You know the collective is 100% behind you.

Please take a look at this Storied Mind – Recover Life from Depression

From the blog One of the hallmarks of depression is loss of motivation to do anything because you feel that your life is meaningless. You are meaningless, empty, worthless, bad, nothing but a burden. There’s no sense of future, no purpose to give you hope and help pull you back to an active life.

A sense of purpose goes along with building hope for the future, hope for recovering from depression and getting your life back. Even though you can’t focus on it when you’re struggling, hope and purpose are pretty basic for regaining a sense of who you are.

You said you made it to the outside of emergency room to get help but you haven’t gone in. And you also said that you have done right and done wrong. Here’s the thing. We all do right and wrong. We all don’t measure up to our own standards. And we all go into that emergency room when we have broken bones or something physically wrong with our bodies.

The mind is no different than a broken or fractured bone. Go in. Get the help. Your mind took you that far for a reason. You know enough to know you need help beyond some strangers in some website.
I understand the fear in going in and seeking help for something. Fearing judgement. We all fear judgement. But no one is going to live your life for you. Stop fearing judgement from stranger and get the help you need. Depression isn’t something you should gamble with.

If you were overweight and you have some heart palpitations that seem wrong, would you stay home out of fear of being judged? Would you suddenly go on a diet before going to see a doctor? If your teeth ached because of poor hygiene would you brush your teeth and take proper care of your teeth and endure the pain to make your gums look better before being treated just to avoid being judged?

The thing about the mind is you never know if depression comes from an actual physical cause or because of your life experiences. But like aching teeth or a busted heart, you only have one of two choices. Seek actual help or suffer alone. The mind can hurt you just as much as any aching tooth or broken bone or sick heart. So go and fix it. Do that, and you will do what is totally right for you.
No one can fix your suffering but you, by taking that first step in admitting you need it and deserve to get help. It doesn’t mean you are weak. It takes a strong person to admit they need help and a stronger person to go get help.

In life we get what we think we deserve. Fight for what you deserve. I do not know you. But I know we are all flawed and so long as you direct all your energy to making your life happy without purposely harming others, you deserve to be happy and healthy.
Also, don’t compare yourself to others. No good ever comes of that. Count your blessing not your wants. I wish you well. Please let us know if you seek help.

The community has said everything so correctly and in such an emotionally beautiful way. For what it’s worth I can tell you honestly that I know EXACTLY how you feel as I too am in your shoes. Were it not for my loved ones I would have shattered into a thousand pieces and probably just dropped off the face of the earth somehow. I don’t know if the you-are-not-alone theory soothes you, but it IS true, you aren’t. Comparing is the most toxic thing you could be doing. You would be shocked if you were to get into the lives of those you compare yourself with, for all you know they could also just be holding the pieces together, the only difference being their better “stage appearance”.

Get whatever help is available to you. Communicate with the collective here. These people may be complete strangers yet they have a way of comforting a battered self-esteem.
All the very best. Hang in there, none of us will get out alive but let’s try to make this shit of a life ride as smooth as possible.

I can only add my voice to the chorus. Find a therapist. Do not judge yourself by what others have done. If you have gotten setbacks then you need to think through your situation to see how to make the best of it. We might be able to provide help if you give more details.

I’ll probably be saying what everyone else said already, but there are some parts of your writing that (I believe) should be given attention.

“I’ve done wrong and I’ve done right.”

That is how it should be. No one lives without making a mistake. If it were the opposite, our lives would’ve been hella boring.
If you are worried about your mistakes, the only thing you can do about them is not repeat them, but clinging on them and straining yourself is a waste of time. Move on, there is no use of crying over spoilt milk.

“I’m a failure as an adult when I compare myself to others in my age.”
You are comparing yourself to others. It is futile and counterproductive in a few ways.

1. You don’t really know the ones you are comparing yourselves with. Look at Bob. He is so damn awesome, everyone loves him, he is successful at job, has a wonderful wife and kids. You wished you were like him, don’t you?
What you don’t know is that Bob, while nice to you, is a complete asshole to his wife and kids. He is where he is at job because he sabotaged his colleagues and manipulated his way. While you see nice smile and good words by others, what really is there is a rotten bastard. You still want to be like him?
Over there is Jenna. She looks so happy and cheerful. You look at her and think “Gee, I wish I was so positive like Jenna. I bet her life is great”. What you don’t know is that Jenna’s family is falling apart and her health is getting worse. She is devastated, but she puts a smile because she tries to run away from her worries and does not want to bother others.

The point: you see only one part of the person, only the part you want to see, or are let to see. You have no idea what is behind the success, and nice smile, and the “he’s so great”. Since you can’t see the person from all sides, comparing yourself as a better or worse human is invalid from the start.

2. Sometimes, other people simply can do something you simply can’t. Usain Bolt runs like crazy, and has won a lot of races. You can’t run for fifty meters without getting tired. Are you a worse human? No. You just can’t run as much as him. On another side, he can do something you can without breaking a sweat. None of you is worse or better.

The moral: You are you, and Bolt is Bolt. Comparing two humans makes no sense. It’s like judging a corn because it can’t smell as pretty as a rose, or judging a rose because you can’t make flour of it. You see how ridiculous that is? It’s the same with humans.

3. There is always someone better. If you one up Bolt, you’ll get someone else you’ll have to one up, and when you do that, another one will come. It never ends. You can’t objectively be better than everyone, all the time, everywhere. That’s why being as best you can get is way better, not being better in comparison to others, because comparing to others is, like written above, futile.

“I’ve been the last weeks outside emergency rooms for psychology help, but never went inside.”

I used to be very afraid of dentists. When my tooth started hurting, I avoided going, because I was afraid. My tooth didn’t give a damn, and kept hurting, and my whole head was tortured. One day, I just said “Fuck it, Snežana, you have no choice. Get your ass up and go.” So I went, got my tooth out, and now I’m at peace.
I wrote that not because I think you are interested in my teeth, but to tell you that, simply, you have no choice either. If you sit there and ignore it, it will only get worse. I have a hole in my jaw, but I got rid of a painful tooth. You will end up with a mental hole in your mental jaw, but you’ll get rid of a mental tooth that gives you a mental headache. On the long run, that is only beneficial.

“I like to think of this as a first step towards something I don’t know.”

That is the whole adventure. Who knows where you’ll get. Whatever it is, it’s better than sitting around and let the bad go to worse.

Sorry for writing a novel, and if I came out as impolite, it is not my intention. I hope that this may at least clear something out for you. If not, well, you wasted your time in reading a wall of bullshit. I’ll try not to do that again.

Have a nice day,and go to that doctor.

I loved the answers here, there are some real gems. I agree don’t compare yourself. Find out who you are, and be you 100%

In a way, these words are to me too. I am kind of where you are at.

Like someone else mentioned, we have all made mistakes, that is what makes us human. Mistakes are there to teach us where we went wrong and more importantly recognise it was wrong for us.

I love what @Hawaii_Jake said. Go and get help until it is coming out of your ears, so to speak! Keep us posted, if you can about how you are doing.

You are not alone with such desire.
Benjamin Franklin once said, “Most people die at 25 and aren’t buried until they’re 75”

Majority of the people you see around are actually only pretending to be alive though they are dead inside.

*They don’t want to live because they don’t find any reason to live.
*They don’t want to die because they fear death.

Let me suggest you two steps to get over this.

1: Find a Reason to Live
You lose the joy of living when you don’t have a reason to live.
*The most unfortunate people are not those who don’t have money.
*The worst life is for those who don’t have a purpose to live.
Most of us feel trapped because we have so many obligations i.e. to take care of our spouse, children, parents etc.
Now imagine for a moment that no one needs you.
It does not matter to the world whether you exist or not.

*No one cry when you die.
*No one misses you when you are not around.
*No one needs your money
*No one want your company.
We can all make ourselves redundant in this world if we cease to be useful to this world.

We have to give something to the world because we need this world for our existence.

Let us find out what we can give to this world and make that the purpose of our life.
That day you find this purpose, you will find the desire to live for the world and for yourself.

2: Find a Reason to Die
Whether you love this world or hate

It does not work to compare your “insides” with another’s outsides.