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BurnerAccount123's avatar

At an impasse with a friend. Can't see eye-to-eye. Can someone help me reply to her email?

Asked by BurnerAccount123 (30points) November 19th, 2016

Lifelong friend and I had falling-out this spring where she had too much to drink and treated me in a hurtful way. After going very low-contact for about seven months. I finally decided to clear the air by putting my feelings a firm, but kind and reconciliatory email. Minutes after receiving it, she lashed out negatively, obfuscating, contradicting herself, denying what I say is true, and trying to shift blame back to me.

Our friend, who was there that night, and who saw some of what happened, believes me and her recollection mostly matches mine. But now, the friend I’m in conflict with has been working on another friend of ours who wasn’t there and has her believing her side of the story. That I’m unreasonable, blowing things out of proportion ,and not able to see her perspective.

So of course, she now feels justified in digging her heels because she doesn’t like my account of what happened or that I’m hurt by her behavior.

Could someone read the email exchange we shared last night and help me draft a reply? I’m too emotionally “in the thick of it” to be objective, but I need to stay above the fray and not get sucked into an argument. We’re either going to hash this as friends out and mend our fences or we’ll have to go our separate ways. (which will suck because we’ve been close since childhood and have a lot of close friends in common)

I’d be grateful if someone who is good at mediating interpersonal conflict can help me draft a reply that not spineless, but still encouraging a rapprochement between friends.

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18 Answers

jca's avatar

I will takeab at re a stading it. if you want to pm it to me please feel free.

I also am a believer that sometimes, things like that are best to just let them go and see if maybe more time apart is needed.

janbb's avatar

You can pm to me and I’ll take a gander but might not get to it until this evening.

Coloma's avatar

This is the test of ALL relationships and your friend has failed miserably.
There is no need to share the email exchange, you have already told us the jist of the situation.
I experienced the same thing with a friend I knew for years about 5 years ago and chose to let her go after a similar situation and her subsequent reaction to my speaking up.
If someone is unable to own their bed behavior and worse yet, pulls the shifting the blame card, well…that’s the end of the line for me and I can easily let go.

Your friend is not only not being a “friend” they are actively being abusive by denying your feelings and attempting to shift the focus off of themselves and onto you. I say good riddance! I would tell her that IF she is able to take responsibility for her crappy behaviors you are willing to talk, otherwise, it’s been nice knowing you, have a great life, see ya.
“Mature” adults CARE about how their actions effect others, immature people do not as it is all about protecting their fragile egos, not working things out to preserve a relationship.

If you let this person off the hook you have effectively told her she can treat you anyway she wants without consequence. Nope, if she can’t put on her big girl panties and really show concern for how her actions have made you feel, well…..she is not a true friend.
Mourn your loss and move on.

jca's avatar

I think it would be more interesting to put the emails out here and put the opinions out here. We could all have a discussion about what happened and our opinions.

BurnerAccount123's avatar

@jca, I would love to but unfortunately this is a public forum and it could come back to bite me, big time.

Pandora's avatar

@BurnerAccount123 Then, you can PM me as well. Send me a copy of the drafted letter you made.

Tropical_Willie's avatar

@BurnerAccount123 when adults stop acting like adults after a long time friendship; it may means their values and viewpoint, of you, have changed.

So sorry to hear you are in pain.

imrainmaker's avatar

Unless you share the details it would be hard to comment.

BurnerAccount123's avatar

@imrainmaker I’d be happy to over private message. But out of an abundance of caution, I just don’t want to rehash too much on a searchable public forum where she may see someday. Ya never know wtih the Internet and all.

imrainmaker's avatar can if you want to.

stanleybmanly's avatar

@BurnerAccount123 You have a very prudent attitude on posting stuff here!

BurnerAccount123's avatar

Thanks @stanleybmanly

Fluther isn’t as popular as forums like Reddit to my knowledge, but it’s better to proceed with caution. For all I know, she herself could google something about drunk fights or conflict and find this very thread that doesn’t portray her in the best light.

I’m not perfect but try to be ethical even to those who have hurt me.

Coloma's avatar

@BurnerAccount123 Welcome to Fluther. :-)
Your ethics are admirable however, never compromise your own self respect. If your friend doesn’t share the same sentiments then it is a mis-matched relationship. You can’t make a go of any relationship if only one party is committed to integrity and honesty and self responsibility.

kritiper's avatar

My philosophy? Honesty is always the best policy but some things are better left unsaid. In this case, it might be best to just let sleeping dogs lie.

elbanditoroso's avatar

I agree with @kritiper – sometimes saying nothing is the right strategy. Don’t engage. Don’t respond.

My gut feel from reading your description is that nothing you will say will any effect anyway.

Let it die of its own accord.

canidmajor's avatar

Without seeing the emails, the scenario sounds like she simply does not want to be friends anymore. Where you see your missive to her, seven months later, as being “firm, but kind and reconciliatory” she may have seen condescending and diminishing. Perception is all.
Sorry to sound harsh, but if she hasn’t reached out to you, she may have assumed that it was done.
You seem to be concerned about being right. Unless something of a legal nature was involved, maybe you could reconsider exactly what is most important to you, salvaging the friendship or proving a point.

Lonelyheart807's avatar

I’ll take a look at it if you want to PM me. It reminds me of a similar situation with a friend I had a while back.

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