Social Question

Unofficial_Member's avatar

What do you think of my treatments toward my SO?

Asked by Unofficial_Member (5107points) November 23rd, 2016

I don’t usually ask about relationship question but I would like to hear about your opinions about certain things that I plan to implement on my partner, so here goes:

- I plan to tell him that whenever we’re out eating together he does not need to feel like he needs to pay for my meals. I can and will pay for myself. I want to develop a code with my partner where both of us can freely mention who’s treating who when we feel like it. It could be something like “Hey, do you want to eat in xxx, it’ll be my treat”, if no treat is mentioned by either one of us then it is a tacit understanding that we’ll pay for ourselves. I don’t mind paying for him when I can but he has made it clear that he’ll be the one paying for our meals. Will I hurt a typical man’s ego by doing this? What do you think?

- I plan to say to him that he needs not to feel obligated to text me every single day. He can text me just when he feels like it and I will be just as pleased. However, I would say that he needs to at least text me twice a week to keep our relationship engaging. We live in different town and I can’t always meet him. Do you think I might give him too much freedom that he may abuse? What could he be possibly thinking about me when I say this to him?

- Currently, I can only utilize public transportation when we plan to go out together. He has his own vehicle and can pick me up. I am not sure how should I go about this. I would prefer using public transportation as I fear that he might think that I am a liability in the long run, and I don’t want to be his liability. I feel bad and my independence being questioned when he picks me up. Could he think lowly of me if I always insisting on using public transportation?

I hope I don’t ask too much. I know my questions sound juvenile but I have never implemented such things to my partner thus it worries me somehow. I just want him to be comfortable with our relationship and not feel like I’m a clingy person. I will appreaciate any answers. Thank you for taking your time and consideration in reading this post.

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14 Answers

Coloma's avatar

By all means discuss these issues/concerns but, don’t make too many “rules” about anything. Inspite of your good intentions this whole thing kinda comes off as controlling. Just let things unfold as they will. If he wants to pay for a meal let him, if he wants to pick you up let him, all you need to say is something along the lines of ” I am happy to pay for my own meal or use public transportation but if it makes you happy to pay and pick me up, that’s fine too. I just want to be clear I do not expect it.”

As far as how often he texts you, just leave that one alone, you are creating too many rules here IMO.

josie's avatar

See above.

Instead of instructing him on how its gonna be, why not occasionally ask if the arrangement makes him happy or if there was anything he wishes were different.
My ex wife constantly did the former. My current GF does the latter.
It’s better.

Espiritus_Corvus's avatar

You lost me at “typical man’s ego.” With an attitude like that, don’t ever expect to have a healthy relationship.

elbanditoroso's avatar

Several points:

1) You’re overthinking this. It’s one thing to be thinking ahead. It’s another thing to be a controlling person. Your ‘rules’ make you a controlling person. I would run away from you.

2) Seems like everything is about you and your preferences. What about him? Does he have a say in anything? If this is a two-person relationship, how about some reference to him and his wants and needs?

Bottom line:

Chill. Back off. Quit being a micromanager. Let the relationship grow (or fail) organically. You can’t plan everything, and even if you do, half of it will be wrong.

If you were my girlfriend and you came to me with this last of actions, I would ask you “what’s my role? You have taken all the fun out of the relationship.”.

Really, chill. Don’t be so controlling.

Sneki95's avatar

Suggesting is better than demanding. “Hey, how about I pay this time?” seems better than “Don’t pay my meals anymore.” if you ask me.
“I’ll take the bus, you don’t have to drive and waste gas” sounds better than “Don’t drive me”.

Just saying, pay attention to the style of speaking.

ARE_you_kidding_me's avatar

Fluther responses here are much better than normal for this sort of thing. We really can’t answer any of this for you since we don’t know your S.O. something you don’t really need to worry about is having to tiptoe around his ego. It is so annoying when women do this. It’s 2016 not 1950.
On a personal level I like to spoil my wife pretty regularly but if I ever though she was taking it for granted or expecting it then it would not go over well. If he is that type then you will need to figure out if that is the case. If he feels like he is obligated to help because of your situation then it’s not so good, if you are making a lot of rigid rules expect to be single soon. Once you get to know each other better it will all fall into place.

marinelife's avatar

Controlling, much? Why do you need to lay out all of these detailed “rules” for him? Instead, you should just talk to him about your feelings. For example, I don’t want you to feel that you should always pay for my meals. Then, just see what he says. Or, you don’t always have to feel that you pick me up. Or perhaps, if you want to, I should pay for gas sometimes.

Don’t have the relationship in your head. Have it with him. That’s what true partners do. If you’re concerned about your independence, tell him that.

ucme's avatar

I dunno, maybe try something old fashioned like communicating?

MrGrimm888's avatar

I had a girlfriend like this. I bought stuff, opened doors, and carried the groceries, because I liked her. I wanted to be nice to her.

She didn’t like it. One day confronted me,and said I made her feel helpless, by doing so much. I was very confused by this,as her previous boyfriend beat her regularly, and treated badly ,so I was trying to be a gentleman.

I tried laying off, and eventually she cheated on me and we broke up.

What did I learn? I don’t know….

But it was frustrating because I felt I couldn’t find a middle ground.

Other girlfriends have expected the gentleman treatment. Some didn’t care for it. I came away from most relationships thinking women prefer assholes. Although they all deny it, I’ve noticed they stay attached to guys who are jerks. When a guy cheats on them, lies to them, beats them, disappears for days etc. The girls cry about it, but stay with the guy. When they are with guys that seem to treat them well, they lose interest quickly. That’s from my personal experience, and observations of my female friends lives.

I had two girlfriends that I didn’t like, so I tried not to call them, or see them (ghosting was my style then.) And they were infatuated with me eventually. I couldn’t be a big enough asshole to make them leave me.

I suppose each person varies.

Or,I just have NO clue how to be in a healthy relationship.

I know that if I had the money, I’d love to pay for everything. Wouldn’t mind picking a girl up.

I used to text my most recent ex sweet dreams each night at least. Sometimes she wouldn’t respond. So one night I didn’t text her, and the next day she was mad I hadn’t texted her.

Some guys try really hard because they like the girl. Don’t punish this guy for trying to be a good man. Many men don’t even try.

Unofficial_Member's avatar

Thank you all for answering the question. I just want to make it clear that I have no desire to control him. All I want is that he feels like he has a lot of freedom in this relationship and not to feel obligated to cater for my own needs, because I can handle myself pretty well. I do, however, agree that I probably got a little overboard and my planned action might make me comes off as being controlling, but really, I would never control anyone.

@Espiritus_Corvus I don’t mean to offend anyone but the feeling of being responsible to pay for your partner’s meal (among other things) is heavily ingrained in the mind of most (if not all) men that I grew up with and men that I know. I know men that feels degraded because they’re not allowed to fulfill their ‘expected obligation’ (that is, paying for date) by their partners. That serve as the basis of me using the term “typical man’s ego”. I know things probably different in US or other parts of the world but you can’t simply make me sound like I’m deliberately offending men by saying this.

jca's avatar

The “I can and will pay for myself.” “I want to develop a code with my partner…..” “You need not text me every day but you need to text me at least twice a week” just sounds so stiff and formal. How about something along the lines of “I can pay for us sometimes, too. We can switch it up.”

“If you ever can’t take me home, I can take the bus.”

As far as the texting goes, if he does text you, it doesn’t take too long to respond with a few sentences to say hi.

MollyMcGuire's avatar

Oh dear. I’m worried about the direction of evolution.

LornaLove's avatar

Just tell him you treasure your independence.

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