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throwaccount's avatar

How do I get over my FwB whom I like for four years (who doesn't like me back)?

Asked by throwaccount (147points) December 13th, 2016

We met four years ago and slept together. The sex was very good and it was actually the best sex of my life so far. I was attracted to him for no reason, really. I just feel so attracted to him, not only sexually but emotionally, physically, every inch of him.

He started talking to me after, which was something I wasn’t supposed to do because I don’t want to know him and have my feelings involved in the process of sleeping around. But I fucked it up, learned things about him and realised how much I want him in my life. I understand his inner issues, I would love to read his poems, I would love to hear the short stories he makes, listen to his activist rants, take long walks with him, everything. My feelings were swirling around, there were butterflies inside my stomach, my knees were shaking.

He didn’t like me. I just knew it. I can feel it in my bones, it hurts so much. He had relationships, then broke up with every one of them after. I started dating a guy and I tried to remove him from my life. I think of him everyday while I’m with someone else’s arms. We talked throughout the 2 year relationship I was in, but then my feelings would overflow and I would withdraw myself and try to remove him from my life again.

My relationship became emotionally and physically abusive. I broke up with my ex. I can not lie, I am still thinking of him.

Last week, we met again after four years. My feelings are still overflowing. My heart, it’s fluttering and my legs are still weak. We drank together but no we did not sleep together. I still can’t deny my feelings for him. We talked that night and he told me that we can’t be together because we’re dangerous together. Because we’re both hurtful and careless people, he said.

My heart is aching.
Please help me what should I do to finally accept the fact that he won’t like me, and move on?

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12 Answers

zenvelo's avatar

Well, first of all, you weren’t in a “Friends With Benefits” situation, because you weren’t friends, and you only had sex four years ago. That is a called a one night stand, or, if it went on for a few days, a fling.

And, it is time to realize in your heart he is not good for you. You deserve someone who has your best interests at heart. So go cry for a couple days, then tie up all your rememberances of him and put them away. Go join a club or a group or an activity to get your mind off him and meet some new people.

janbb's avatar

It’s hard when you meet what you feel is the love of your life and you are not the love of theirs. Having sex immediately probably complicated the issue. One thing we all have to learn about is love that is unreciprocated. You only have two choices – you can wallow in hurt or you can work to get over him. And maybe you have to look at your behavior toward your boyfriend of two years; it sounds like you were pretty nasty to him. How can you avoid that behavior next time around?

throwaccount's avatar

@janbb I know. It was bad relationship.

LeavesNoTrace's avatar

Dude, I think I saw this on Reddit. Small world. ;)

Same as I answered before. You need to cut all contact on social media. Force yourself too. No stalking him either.

See other people and you’ll see how he pales in comparison to someone who treats you well and wants to be with you.

olivier5's avatar

Of course you can try to get over him but you’ve been trying that for 4 years…. That’s a long time. Life is short, baby. Do you want to waste 4 more years?

Did you tell him that you love him intensely, and have been loving him since 4 years, and can’t get over him, and would love to read his poems, and be with him every day, etc. etc?

Even if he doesn’t feel much for you now, one easily falls in love with real love. That’s how most couples get started in my experience. One always love more than the other, that’s inevitable, but the other usually warms up at the contact of one’s burning love.

He needs to feel how strong your love is. And if he doesn’t warm up to you, well, at least you’ve tried. You will regret it your whole life if you don’t try as hard as you can to win him over.

If you try and fail, you will find it easier to move on. So be a big girl and talk to him, seriously.

LeavesNoTrace's avatar


She did try:

“We talked that night and he told me that we can’t be together because we’re dangerous together. Because we’re both hurtful and careless people, he said.”

He’s just not that into her. She needs to let this one go and find someone who is.

olivier5's avatar

@LeavesNoTrace That could mean anything… This girl is afraid of her own feelings; she said: ”I don’t want to [...] have my feelings involved in the process of sleeping around.” In the OP title she doesn’t even use the word “love”. She says ”I like him”... How alienated from one’s own feelings is that?

My bet is she told him she kinda like him… That’s not enough. She must be true to her own feelings and BEG him to give it a try. She must stop pretenting to be that tough, heartless girl. She must tell him that no, she won’t be “careless and hurtful” to him, and that she doesn’t care if he’s “careless and hurtful” to her. That she’d like that better than being without him.

And yeah, maybe they will be bad for one another and they will quit after a month or a year or 10 years, all bruised. But what that girl feels for this boy is SERIOUS and needs to be taken seriously. She might never fell like that for anybody else. Why not try a little harder?

jca's avatar

Maybe you need a regular relationship and not a friends with benefits. I would separate myself from this person emotionally, deal with the hurt and the pain, and move on. Maybe another option is not having any relationship, and just working on your issues, your health, your schooling, something beneficial to you as a person.

LeavesNoTrace's avatar

@olivier5 In my experience, if a guy likes a girl enough, he will find a way to let her know. In this case, it seems he’s trying to let her down easy without being direct and saying “I’m just not that into you.”

From my perspective, I think that you are overthinking it and perhaps complicating things further. She spoke to him, and he rebuffed her. What more is there to do?

I’ve been in this situation myself, and I empathize with the OP. Unrequited love sucks—BIG TIME. Unfortunately, it’s also something most of us will experience at some point in our lives. But the truth is, we cannot convince someone to feel something they don’t feel for us. We can only move on with our lives and seek greener pastures.

janbb's avatar

@LeavesNoTrace I agree with your take on it.

olivier5's avatar

Well, in any case she’ll do what she always wanted to do, which is to repress her own feelings and quit. So you’re right: let’s not overthink it.

Kardamom's avatar

@olivier5 There is a distinct difference between repressing her feelings and moving on from a situation that is detrimental to your happiness and emotional health. She needs to move on, and stop obessesing about this fellow who has already made it clear that he doesn’t feel the same way about her. If she continues pining for and attempting to be with this guy, he is likely to accuse her of stalking him, and we don’t want her to spend another 4 years being sad and lonely, when there is a whole big world of people and meaningful activities to persue.

I agree with some of the others that suggested ridding yourself of all contacts from this guy, and putting any mementos of him away in a box, or gotten rid of if you feel you are able to do that.

Find some other activities, solo or with other people that you already enjoy, or were interested to explore. Do something specific (like taking a walk) drawing, coming on Fluther, organizing your mext event or outing, just something, everytime you find yourself wallowing in the thought of this guy. Unless you do an actual activity, each time, you’ll just keep thinking about him and never moving forward to a better situation.

If you are having too much trouble getting over this guy, 4 years is a long time, you might consider getting some short term counseling. If you are in school, your school counselor or health services should be able to help you find a counselor. You can also talk to your primary care physician about getting a referral.

Most of us have been in the situation of not having our feelings reciprocated. It is very painful. Once you make a plan to move forward, that act alone can be very liberating.

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