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monkeybread333's avatar

Have I made a mistake or is this what doing the right thing feels like?

Asked by monkeybread333 (153points) December 30th, 2016

I really liked this guy but we were never officially together. He knew I liked him but then he started dating someone knew so we stopped talking. A year later he calls and we get back in touch he apologized for how things ended. We made out, and things were great. We planned another date but then he canceled on me at the last minute with a text. I didn’t reply back to that text of him cancelling and we didn’t talk for months. He just called me and asked to hangout again, and I said I’m done and that I don’t want to see him.

Did I do the right thing? I feel like he just always disappoints me.I feel like the bad guy for being the one to end things when I like him. Maybe it’s new years coming up that’s making me miss him. I don’t know what to do going forward.

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15 Answers

snowberry's avatar

You’re second best for him. Move on and forget him.

zenvelo's avatar

You have probably made a very wise choice. No one needs to invite drama into their lives, nor do we need someone that shows up and expects us to drop everything.

My only question for you is (and I believe this makes things easier to move on): did you explain why you are done and don’t want to see him? Did he ever explain his behavior, or did he just figure you were available for him?

It is hard to be the one to break it off, but that often happens, and bad actors do that to avoid the responsibility for their actions. So be proud of taking care of yourself, and realize HE is the jerk, not you!

monkeybread333's avatar

I didn’t explain why I was done. He just said he was a jerk, I said don’t worry about it because I’m over it, and then I just hung up. Not my most thought out moment

ZEPHYRA's avatar

No doubt you made the right choice. You did not allow yourself to be the doormat for him to wipe his feet again. Move on.

Zaku's avatar

“He just said he was a jerk, I said don’t worry about it because I’m over it, and then I just hung up. Not my most thought out moment”
Sounds to me like he has consistently been a jerk towards you, and it’d be great if you were over it and could not worry about it, yet you are still thinking about it. The only thing I think it would be good to think about is why it’s not that simple for you. Your interest in him is about something in you that wants some attention, preferably not in the form of getting involved with jerks. The jerks are a clue though.

chyna's avatar

You did the right thing. He knows he’s a jerk but doesn’t try to change so he doesn’t care that he has treated you carelessly. If EVERYONE would stop letting people treat them badly, maybe some of the jerks would stop being jerks.

marinelife's avatar

You were so right to ignore him, and say you were done. Do not doubt yourself. he was not treating you respectfully, which did not bode well for any relationship that you might have developed.

CWOTUS's avatar

There is nothing wrong with your action or reaction. It’s a common ploy of manipulators to catch people off guard and unaware – as he has done by contacting you “out of the blue” after a long absence / silence – to take advantage of them while they’re momentarily unbalanced. As you note, that nearly happened to you as you felt on the defensive in some way and needing backup and support for your action. But you’ve done nothing wrong; why should you feel the need to defend your reaction, or to account for your “less than the best” moment?

You’ve been disappointed – by him – more than once. Obviously, you wanted something from him that you thought that he could and would provide – and that’s normal and natural, too. You’ve given him a second chance, and you would have given him a third. To be “done with that” is perfectly natural, healthy and wise; you should be done with that, and good for you! You don’t need to apologize – to anyone – for wanting what is best for you.

Three cheers for you, kid!

monkeybread333's avatar

Thanks for helping me work through this everyone. Some times it just really helps to read and see what you know in your head is true. He would always catch me off guard and when I would least expect it. It wasn’t even a second chance, this is probably the 4th or 5th chance. I surprised even myself by saying no. I’m really glad I did because I know things wouldn’t be any different. I didn’t do anything wrong this time and I think that’s what helped me the most in saying no in comparison to the last few times I welcomed him back into my life.

monkeybread333's avatar

All he kept saying was that he was a jerk. not even a I’m sorry ,just him saying that he was a jerk. He wasn’t treating me the way you treat someone you care about. I don’t know why I’m doubting it, when I KNOW I did the right thing.

Love_my_doggie's avatar

You were his “booty call,” regardless of whether you and he had a sexual relationship. He contacted you whenever he wanted to do so, which was very infrequently. Instead of including you in his life and sharing experiences with you, he just wanted to “hang out” when the urge struck him. He canceled plans at the last minute, only to fall out of touch for months. He cared nothing for your feelings; really, he didn’t give you the most common courtesy.

Maybe he had a #1 choice, thinking of you only whenever she wasn’t available. Maybe he didn’t have a girlfriend but just didn’t care much about you. Maybe he truly is a jerk. Whatever the reasons, you aren’t the bad person here.

monkeybread333's avatar

wow that really helped put things into perspective. That is exactly how I’ve felt, like his “booty call” even though we never had a sexual relationship. I don’t know why it’s so hard for me to see what we had for what is really was, instead of making it out to be something more than what it was.

Kardamom's avatar

You did the right thing even though you are feeling pain and confusion. I have been there, done that, on multiple occasions. It’s an awful feeling.

He was a jerk and it was helpful that he finally pointed it out. You knew he was a jerk, but you would have felt bad saying it to him, because of your mixed feelings for him.

What you need to do now is make it firm in your mind that you are done with him. He may or may not try to talk you into “hooking up” with him again. It doesn’t matter whether he does or not. If he does, simply repeat that you are done with him and don’t make a big scene. If he doesn’t, please try to concentrate on doing things that you enjoy.

When you are doing things that you enjoy, and not just doing things to please this jerk, or possibly bump into this jerk, you will be much happier. Plus, there is the added bonus of meeting some people that actually like you, and who you like. They might be just friends, which would be terrific, or you may end up meeting a romantic partner. Don’t make that be your goal. The only goal for you should be for you to do what is best for you, and for you to do things that are enjoyable for you.

Good luck with this. Please check in from time to time on this subject. We want to know that you are OK. : )

monkeybread333's avatar

I will for sure keep this post update on how things go. My hope is to really believe that I’m done. It’s one thing to say it and now i need to act like it and live it. I doubt i’ll ever get another call from him. I was polite about the whole thing, wish him a merry christmas and a happy new year but that i didn’t want to see him. I hate being mean even if it’s what’s needed. He was a jerk. For him to say it made me realize that he was.

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