If a person was banned from a store for shoplifting ... how would they get back in their good graces?
A friend of mine ( not the GF I frequently ask help for… this time its a guy) ... he told me something really strange, because its a side of him I’d never seen.
I found out he had been banned from a grocery store for shoplifting. He was not prosecuted but had to fill out some paperwork so that if he was on the property again he would be apprehended and sent to jail for “criminal trespass”
I told him he was lucky or the manager was graceful. If you do the crime, you do the consequences one way or another.
This behavior was NOT what anyone would expect of this individual. He told me these things in confidence. He first started stealing out of necessity with a few unscanned items in the cart at the self-checkout but eventually lost control—telling himself that this would be the “last time”. As with most addictions, he got more and more brazen and LESS able to stop.
Truthbeknown he first told me (I am also very poor) that stealing food and other small items was extremely easy and was the only way he could get by. He even suggested that I do it.
Well, the day came he got caught. The store had been watching him for a long time. He had no remorse at first—saying he did what he ‘craved’ doing and thought stealing from a big-box retailer was a victimless crime—that they could afford it and he could not. Since he started taking his meds (an antidepressant and adderal, a stimulant) he has felt much more “goal and procedure” oriented and sees the err of his ways. I believe he is sincere as long as he takes his meds and remembers the consequences.
He says he really likes the store and wants to make it up even if they don’t allow him in the store again. I told him he might be okay if he waits a year or so and merely shop somewhere else and learn from the experience, but I think he REALLY needs to resolve this, one way or another. He came to me for help and advice even though he has a therapist / professional.
I looked up kleptomania and it is not precisely what this individual has. I am no professional but this guy really wanted or craved the items. Nothing big or valuable but much taken over a period of 2–3 months. I suggested professional help but he already has a therapist and meds which he said would help.
His guilt needs to be resolved one way or another, but I’m not sure what he needs or what CAN be done.
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If he were my friend, I would tell him that he could make it up to the wronged store by never shoplifting again in any store and never returning to the store in question.
I wonder why he’d even want to?
If it were me I’d be too ashamed to attempt to get back in the stores good graces. Every time he goes in there he will be pegged as a must watch at all times type. I don’t think most stores really want to deal with that, hence the ban. He’s better off just moving onto a new store and keeping his hands to himself.
That’s probably the inevitable. How, then, can he deal with his consequences? He said he now feels as if the actions were “unreal” or “surreal”—it doesn’t seem even to ME like what he’d normally do. I was surprised to learn this.
Maybe I should just leave it to the professionals. As a former minister, I just told him to give it over to God and move on. Thus far, all responses have been helpful but I’m looking for that “resolve” when someone errs and does something unnatural to their usual nature,
Okay, I have two thoughts; one fairly simple, one involves you, or another friend(s).
Firstly, to do pennance for the act itself, to save his shopping bags and donate them. There are smaller thrift stores which depend on donated plastic bags to use for their shoppers, and usually they need them badly.
That would be applying his shopping to something good.
Next, have a friend, someone who would represent well, approach the manager with a deal.
Would they consider letting him shop there again if he followed some guidelines.
1) provide monthly statements from his doctor stating that he is staying regular with his meds.
2) spend a certain amount there through sending someone else there to shop for him. You, or some other rep could show his handwritten signed shopping list, presented with the register receipt for the purchases. Have the manager sign the receipt, and when a certain total is reached, he can then be given a second chance.
Businesses face a lot of problems with shoplifting. They have no reason to feel motivated to welcome back any offenders. I would expect that if any were to allow offenders to return, it would require a determined show of sincerity.
There are no easy fixes for breaking laws.
This all sounds very melodramatic.
He shoplifted, he got caught, he was banned. Learn your lesson and move on.
It’s not like he drop-kicked someone’s grandma.
If he really wants to express his remorse, he can mail them a card.
It sort of makes you wonder how the pilfering and shoplifting statistics might change once you removed the chronically broke from the equation. It’s difficult to eliminate the incentive for crime when you surround a needy man with seeming mountains of bounty. What’s worse than feeling criminal? Walking around in America with no money in your pocket
@Yellowdog I was stopped at random on my way out of Walmart one day. I told the person “it will never be me leaving the store WITHOUT a receipt”. I produced the receipt and he began apologizing to me. I interrupted him saying I was happy they were checking receipts so they can stop shoplifting.
A friend of mine was once caught shoplifting from a store. He wasn’t prosecuted, but was “banned for life”. That never stopped him from going back, and they never said anything to him.
You know, guilt is a part of the maturing process. You feel guilty and that’s what motivates you to not repeat the mistake in the future.
I’m not sure what he’s hoping for. That the store would say, “Aw shucks! It’s no thing. We still love you.” Even forgiveness doesn’t change the fact that you did something wrong. He just needs to learn from it and live with it.
“I told him he was lucky or the manager was graceful.” Are you saying a clumsy manager would be less gracious? ;-)
@Brian1946 I think his meaning was clear. Keep in mind that not all jellies speak English as a first language. Just my $0.02.
In response to @Yellowdog I think your friend should chalk it up to a learning experience and cut his losses. Unless he lives in a food desert, he should find another grocery store and stop stealing. If it’s actually the only grocery store in his area, then he should contact the manager and try to work something out.
Write them an apology letter, and ask for forgiveness. Tell them that they can steal anything from your apartment to be equal.
Your friend has to accept that actions have consequences. He stole so he has been banned from the store. Now he has signed an agreement with the store he must abide by its terms. Personally I would be ashamed to show my face in the store ever again.
@Yellowdog . If I’m not mistaken, the document your friend signed, is a “trespass notice.” The person it is given to cannot lawfully enter the premises until the order is expired. In my state it’s 6 months. So. Weather he has good will or not,he will be arrested if he violates the notice.
He should consider himself lucky that that is his only punishment. Depending on how much money the stolen items are worth,he could be brought up on larceny, or grand larceny.
I would highly recommend he find out the expiration of the notice before attempting to put this fire out. When it is expired, he will lawfully be allowed back,if it isn’t a private business.
This is more of a warning, and really, a slap on the wrist.
If it’s that important for them to forgive him, I would advise him to write a letter of apology, and wait until the notice expires before attempting to physically go back.
I hope your friend learned his lesson. Jagged pill, or not, he should swallow this, and move on.
It’s nice of you to try and help your friend. Good luck.
Peace n love.
You F$*K up you lose.
Don’t F$*K up no problem ! !
I think he has to wait a while, 6 months, maybe a year, and then he can approach management and see if they will reconsider.
@Yellowdog ” I just told him to give it over to God and move on. ”
That’s about as unhelpful a piece of advice as I’ve ever read.
If someone wanted to do the right thing, they would find a way to approach the store through a third party and arrange full reimbursement + a percentage of the theft for the cost to the store.
Really. God has no place in this . That’s like suggesting it happened because… God. Such a lazy way of thinking.
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@Yellowdog Is this the only place you can grocery shop in your area or are there other viable/accessible options for you?
I have spoken with other managers about the incident but have never approached the specific manager who was there that night. No one seems to have a problem, but at least I don’t go at nght
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