Social Question

Danebiggs's avatar

If I gave up on marriage, relationships and just trusting people in general, what else should I do with my life?

Asked by Danebiggs (929points) March 19th, 2017

I’m serious.
If I never want to be married again and I don’t want a relationship because I don’t trust people anymore then what else should I do with my life?
I am a father already, I love my son and am thankful for him.
I have a basic job ( I work to live, not live to work.)
Is charity the answer?
Will I feel fulfilled if I help others the rest of my life or will I still feel empty inside?
Should I just count my blessings, sit back have a Corona and give up on everything, don’t think anymore and just let life happen to me?
Should I be thankful I don’t have real problems, just a broken heart and start online dating and try the whole relationship, marriage thing all over again?
Is that insanity?
What else should I try to find fulfilment, my life is open…...

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23 Answers

RedDeerGuy1's avatar

You can watch lots of YouTube and Fluther. I collect books from Amazon for $0.01 plus shipping.

Sneki95's avatar

Go to the river and let the water calm your soul.

Jaxk's avatar

You don’t want any relationships and you don’t trust anyone. Of course your life is empty. And how are you going to do charity work if you don’t care? Life is full of disappointments. Move on.

Response moderated
kritiper's avatar

Live by yourself and enjoy the peace and solitude!

Danebiggs's avatar

@Jaxk I didn’t say that I don’t care about people.
I just feel like I was naive to ever trust anyone enough to be married.
Being a husband and father is the only thing I wanted to do.
I lived to take care of my wife and child, I was fulfilled.
Now I realize that people get bored with marriage and find excitement in cheating, I guess?
Or at least they get bored with me.
I got very attached to my ex wife
because I’m a romantic.
I love with all my heart so when I get betrayed I almost feel like killing myself, but luckily I have a child so I just take the pain.
Me and relationships aren’t a healthy mix.
It’s almost like I take love too seriously.

ZEPHYRA's avatar

Just take time to adjust to your current circumstances and then focus on your child and YOU. Do what makes you happy. Don’t start online dating yet you are not ready to “set up stall” yet.
Get your confidence back and the rest will follow. Good riddance, now is your time to re-evaluate yourself.

elbanditoroso's avatar

Enjoy life on your own terms. Take advantage of your liberty and freedom and make your own future.

You have an opportunity to forget the past and move on to new things. This is a great gift you have been given.

Danebiggs's avatar

Thanks for the helpful responses guys.
@ZEPHYRA You’re definitely right that I need to get my confidence back.
I was a very confident person and thought I could do anything, thought my life was set, thought I was an excellent lover, LoL.
I never thought she would want to cheat on me.
I kinda loved myself.
Now I’m scared to even date because I don’t feel like I’m good enough.
I guess the reality of all this is that being cheated on is traumatic and embarrassing and humiliating and has left me scared, scared, scared.
I need to get my confidence back somehow.

Jaxk's avatar

@Danebiggs – I’ve been where you are. I know the conventional wisdom is to take some time and get your confidence back but I disagree. Relationships include friends and family. You need more of them not less. Get off your ass and get out with friends or maybe a little honky tonking. The best way to get over being thrown is to get back on. I’m not saying get married again but I am saying a little socializing helps to get over the hump.

imrainmaker's avatar

Don’t give up on it based on single instance. I know it will be very tough to get out of it but going away from people isn’t the solution in any way.

Coloma's avatar

Sure, one can be fulfilled doing what they love. You have a child, get a dog or cat or horse or goose. Grow tomatoes, go fishing, remodel your house, there are lots of things that you can do to feel rewarded without a relationship. Friends yes, family yes, but romantic involvement is over rated IMO. being younger it is harder but at my age now I can think of a million other things I’d rather be doing than thinking bout a guy. haha

stanleybmanly's avatar

Since you have a child, “getting away from people” is now only fantasy. Getting away from your ex is itself probably out of the question. She’s your kid’s mom, and you are doomed to deal with her for years to come. Tough it out. You can do it.

Danebiggs's avatar

@stanleybmanly thanks.
You’re right, I have to deal with seeing my ex regularly and texting her daily to arrange my son’s schedule.
It’s made recovery so slow and painful.
Every time I see her I get stressed out and confused and it messes me up to the point that I had to ask her not to come out to my vehicle when I pick up my son.
I can’t look at her without sinking back into a depression.
Anyway, I gotta deal with it and hopefully all this will somehow make me stronger, but for now it sucks.
I hate her all the time, but if I see her I still want her and it hurts.
It’s kinda like a nightmare, but that’s how it is when you can’t get space from that person.
Anyway thanks to all for listening and giving me advice.
I have a lot to think about.

cazzie's avatar

@Danebiggs I’m in a similar situation. I work on my second language and my handcrafting hobbies. I have a son who lives with me full time and my life pretty much revolves around him and my job, which I love. Maybe finding a job that you can be more passionate about.

My ex comes to my house to pick up my son. He looks around at my stuff like he’s shopping. He’s already mentioned that one piece of furniture I got in the separation he is taking back. I still sometimes shake and feel sick when I see him. He asks like I have no say in anything and always just shows up or drops off my son really late on a school night and just sort of scoffs at me when I tell him it was too late. It’s gotten easier to work with him over the last couple of years, but he’s still a self absorbed, unreliable man-child. He had my son two weekends ago and took of in his car and left my son with his girlfriend for the rest of the weekend and didn’t even tell me. My son has a phone and called me, thankfully, so I knew what was going on.

I have NO plans of being married or living with anyone again, but I still have to deal with people. People at work have been great. People online have been great. I even had a long distance boyfriend for a while, but it isn’t working out. I just can’t get close to anyone and am way to protective of myself, my space and my time. I don’t think there is anything wrong with that. I’m old now, so being alone isn’t really that weird.

Danebiggs's avatar

Aww…thanks Cazzie.
Wow, I think your ex and my ex would be perfect for each other.
Unreliable, drops him off late, put’s her own plans ahead of looking after our child etc.
I can relate.
Luckily I’ve set a few boundaries with her, we don’t go into each other’s homes at all, I insist that she text me a day and time that she’s coming to get our son and also what time she’s dropping him off because before she was just picking him up whenever and it got really annoying because her work schedule is already crazy, I have to work around her schedule so she basically controls my schedule everyday.
Anyway, that’s just how it is for now, but it’s not fair that’s for sure.
She gets to make like three times the money I do and she doesn’t pay any child support or anything.
I feel like she’s missing out on being a parent and that’s her choice, but sad for our son I guess?
I’ve been taking care of him for years anyway, even before we separated so it’s not a huge change for him.
I’m sorry to hear that you’ve had bad experiences with your ex as well.
It’s really hard to not only handle people like that, but in my case I was so used to being taken advantage of that I’m numb to it and when I have weak moments and I think about meeting up with her to talk or whatever I have to remind myself of how bad she treated me and how hard it was to live in a mess with her and to be cheated on etc.
I have to let go of this place I have in my heart for her.
She WILL hurt me, it will never change.

jca's avatar

@cazzie: You’re not old. I’ve seen you refer to yourself here and elsewhere as “old.”

You’re younger than me and I don’t think of myself as old and I don’t think I look old, and so there we are.

cazzie's avatar

@jca That’s very sweet of you to say, but I feel very old and past having a romantic relationship. Perhaps if I could walk without crutches or a walker right now, I would feel less old, but it is what it is. I know I’ll be lucky to see my kid get his University degree. I’m not going to see 70 or maybe even 60 so I have to be realistic about it. Relative to my realistic life-span, I am old.

JLeslie's avatar

I only skimmed the answers above.

First of all, never say never. Do you know how many divorced people I know who say they don’t want to get married again for various reasons? The majority of them do wind up in a relationship again, but for some it isn’t for years after the divorce. That’s just fine. Take your time. Don’t think about having a relationship at all. Why is there this big question or decision about it. You were married, now your single, focus on your kid and you.

Focusing on you means finding fun and fulfillment doing things you are interested in. Mind you, if you just got through the divorce you might not be in your best emotional state, which can mean it’s hard to enjoy things. Give yourself a little time, but actively go out and plan things, try new things. I know men tend to be not as good at the socializing thing, but that’s not always true, and I’m not assuming anything about you.

What do you like to do? What are you interested in? How about start going to an exercise class? Do you love cars? Seek out a car club. Are you interested in art? Take an art class. Are you interested in politics? Go to a political party meeting. Or, join a discussion group, or book club.

Do you love museums? Visit some of your local ones. Or, visit some other tourist attractions.

Plan a vacation and see a new place, you are now free to do exactly what you want without having to deal with another opinion, or having to worry about if the other person is happy. I’m assuming your son sometimes stays with his mother. Or, show your son a new place.

You can reframe your situation in your mind as freedom to really do what you want to do during your free time. You don’t have to make any decisions about being in a relationship or dating or marriage. Your only job now is to seek the fun, and help yourself to look forward to experiences and life. Put something on your calendar. Something to look forward to. Spend a little time planning it, googling about it. When you’re out, be open to talking to people, you never know what strangers will teach you.

You can volunteer too, try it. Try everything and you will find your way to learning what you like to do.

Danebiggs's avatar

Thanks @JLeslie.
I think you’re right and this morning I woke up having a nightmare about my ex as usual and I sort of had an epiphany.
The more I’m able to stop seeing her as my wife and the more I realize that she’s had every chance to be with me, but gave up and chose to explore her options with other men, the more I realize that she really doesn’t have any real love for me anymore and not only that but she’s intentionally starving me of money or having any time to make money.
I think she knows that if I stay broke I have very few options.
She intentionally or not has her foot on my throat right now.
If I can’t stop loving her I need to at least realize that she doesn’t love me.
I need to find a way to make more money, I need to stop hurting myself and I need to get my head out of the sand and stop analyzing this terrible relationship.
I used to have confidence, I’m a good worker, a good father, I love people and I want to find a better connection and have a better relationship someday. I need to realize that my life is going by and I’m laying in bed depressed and love sick over this person who’s out blowing money, screwing guys and lying about everything.
I’ve got to ignore everything that’s going on and pick myself up and salvage what’s left of my life.
@elbanditoroso You’re right I need to see this as a great gift I’ve been given.

A woman on another website told me once that I need to put both feet on the ground, charge ahead and experience everything I can in life.
The more time goes by and the less I see my ex the stronger I feel.
I just gotta keep this positive vibe going and try to take a step forward today.
Thanks everyone. : )

JLeslie's avatar

^^Breaking up is hard to do. The song is right. It usually takes months to feel somewhat normal again. It can take years to be totally over it.

You’re in a grieving process, you’ll get through it and feel tons better. This middle part of the process kind of sucks.

MollyMcGuire's avatar

Make sure your son has as many positive experiences as possible.

sone's avatar

Learn a martial art

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