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hammer43's avatar

How do you look for love without the game playing?

Asked by hammer43 (678points) August 9th, 2008

I’m a single man in my fortys and have been divorced for about nine years and I tried dating one year after my failed marriage and it didn’t work out, so I stopped dating for about seven years, then I started trying to meet women to maybe start dating, well I still haven’t been on a date yet for some reason I’m attracting women who likes to play games. They are either married, living with someone, or dating other people (sleeping with them) while trying to date me. I’m a one person at a time person and would like to date someone that is the same without all of the games, is that possible? Or am I behind the times?

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18 Answers

skfinkel's avatar

I look forward to hearing the answers.

scamp's avatar

Wow, that’s a dificult question to answer. I don’t know why people play the games you mention. It only brings heartache to themselves and the ones they are with. My only advice would be to keep trying. I hope one day you find someone special who deserves your love and loyalty. Don’t give up. She’s out there somewhere.

nikipedia's avatar

Have you considered counseling? You mention yourself “I’m attracting women who like to play games”—why is that? It sounds like you’re acknowledging that not all women are that way, so why are those the ones you’re finding?

hammer43's avatar

that is a good question nikipedia, when I meet these people I don’t know anything about them until I starting talking to them and they start off as telling me what I want to hear but as a little time goes on signs pop up. So my question is how do you look at a person and tell who’s really looking for a serious relationship and who is just looking to date for fun? And yes in the past I went to counseling that is one of the reasons I try to get to know someone first before dating.

jlm11f's avatar

Put yourself in environments where you get to meet numerous women of your age group. Talk and listen to as many as possible. When you first meet someone, don’t automatically start thinking like “Is this a good dating prospect? Is this the one?”, just exchange your views on various topics and listen to her views. This process will cancel out all women that you feel aren’t at your comfort level. In my experience, no one can hide their true self for too long. All you have to do is give it time. The best way is repeated conversations…going for coffee, grabbing lunch real quick etc. Eventually, you will notice there are only one or two women who seem to be on the same wavelength as you, and that’s when you ask them out on a proper date. I know this seems like a long and tedious process, but if you are truly interested in talking to these women and see it as at least “gaining a new friend”, it should still be an enjoyable process and will keep you away from loneliness. Good Luck.

AstroChuck's avatar

You can always drive to Nevada.

loser's avatar

When you figure that one out, write a book! You’ll be rich!!!

scamp's avatar

I think your patience will pay off. Just keep watching for those signs that tell you that this may be the one.

Chuckie, what’s in Nevada? I just know when you answer me I will slap my forehead and say duh!

hammer43's avatar

thankyou scamp

shineyshark's avatar

Just don’t try hard consciously to find love.. keep it in your mind or write down on a piece of paper about the qualities you expect in your love. You will get it eventually. Works 100% of the times

hammer43's avatar

thanks for your answer shineyshark that is good advice,

augustlan's avatar

@scamp: Nevada is the home of legalized prostitution.

AstroChuck's avatar

@scamp- Brothels. They’re called brothels.

SeekerSeekiing's avatar

My biological mother told me that if I wanted to meet kind people, go where people are kind. I met hubby while volunteering with retarded adults. Think of your interests and which ones mostly sincere folks would mostly show up for…

I guess when you first meet people you don’t know if they are on the level. So give it time…time is your friend. Don’t commit yourself to wanting to know this person in a deeper relationship until and if you feel they are on the level. By this I mean, check them out the 1st month or so, but don’t go on for months and months…

Trust your gut. You will see little things out of whack. Believe them, especially in the beginning, just getting to know you phase.

Google them. Try to see a document of some kind with their name, so you’ll know it’s their name…“Okay, let’s get the dorky thing out of the way. I’ll show you my license and horrible picture, you do the same. Then we’ll get the shock all out of the way!”

Look them up on myspace, facebook, any public forum you think they may be on.

People who lie often can’t keep up with them. If you catch them in too many statements that ‘change’ later. Beware.

Do they want to meet you in public? Anywhere? Good sign.

Can you call them anytime? Do you only have a cell phone? If they say, not to call between 5–11…wonder and call anyway, say you forgot. Listen to their voice-stress level. Call her office, get someone who works with her and say “Hi, this is Betty’s husband: is she there?” See what happens—connected right away? Person, stutters and sounds confused. says “Bet’s not married.”

If they say they graduated from Univ. of Maryland 1993—call the college and confirm. When they tell you say? Oh was your name “Smith” then? Cause it could be a divorced-married name. If they’ll lie about something small, they’ll lie about something big.

Talk about your family and watch them. Do they talk about theirs? Where are they from? Where is their sister? Oh she works at the courthouse? What’s her name? I have a friend there…too…if she seems evasive…beware…

The old stand by…is there a ring? Does she say oh she was married and hasn’t taken it off yet. Hmmm…even if it’s the truth, doesn’t sound like she’s ready for another relationship yet. Is there a tan line? Is there an indent where a ring was?

Ask mutual friends about the person?

That’s all I can come up with, but mostly listen to your gut!

hammer43's avatar

thankyou for your great information seekerseeking and yes I will use your information as well

MissAnthrope's avatar

I second what shineyshark said, and I think it is more effective if you put it into writing. There is a school of belief out there that the act of putting desires into writing is very powerful in terms of attracting those things. Also, having a list (mental or otherwise) of what absolutely doesn’t work for you in a partner can be helpful, because when one of those flags pops up, you can easily say, “Nope, not putting up with that” and then move on.

Once you know what you’re looking for, it becomes a lot easier to weed out the ones that don’t fit. It took me a while to learn, but now I can tell within a matter of 3 dates whether the person is a good fit for me. With patience and paying attention, I’ve finally gotten it down… often, I can call it on the first date.

You have to be okay with yourself and with being single. This isn’t easy, but being single gives you a chance to work on yourself. Once you’re okay being single, it’s much easier to weed out the ones that aren’t right, because you’re not focused on wanting a relationship, being lonely, etc.. basically, don’t be afraid to reject the ones that don’t feel right. Have faith that one that does will eventually happen along.

wundayatta's avatar

Personally, I’m a great believer in meeting people while doing something you love. Hmm. I met my first girlfriend on an outing club trip. My second was the best friend of the first (after the first had broken up with me) and after being on a walk in the remains of a hurricane, we came to find we had stronger feelings for each other than we had hitherto expressed. We’d also written many a long letter in the previous year or so.

My third I met doing political work I cared greatly about. My wife I met doing a very special kind of movement workshop.

I have also met many great people online. I only need friends at this point, but on occassion, I’ve had an opportunity to meet someone in person. I was worried—fearing that they might be scamming me in some way. But I went over everything I knew about them, to see if it hung together, and I just couldn’t come up with a way this person could be running a game on me. We are now very good friends, and since we share a medical condition, we are able to help each other out very well.

I never dated. Not once. Well, maybe once. But that was it. Every other relationship had to do with meeting a person doing something I loved. If you do it that way, you know you have something important in common. You have a bit of an idea about how the person thinks. But most importantly, it takes the pressure off. You are doing something and the focus is on what you are doing, not on getting to knew each other, as you would on a date.

If you do it this way, I think you get more genuine people. No one is playing, because the agenda is not to get hooked up. People aren’t gold digging or whatever.

The dating scene, it seems to me, is designed to encourage game playing. It’s like a negotiation, and in a negotiation you always bluff and hide the truth. Dating has something of an adversarial nature, in this way. So right away you aren’t on the same side. You’re trying to get as much information out of the other person as you can, and trying to say the right things to them, as well. Few can be honest in such a situation.

So I say ditch the dating scene and get involved in activities, as Seeker Seeking suggested, perhaps going where the kind people are. Yeah. I guess that’s what I did, after all. In a way.

Good luck!

scamp's avatar

@AstroChuck I had a feeling you were going to say that! smacks forehead as predicted

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