General Question

Yellowdog's avatar

If my girlfriend rejects my things should I just quit trying to bring our worlds together?

Asked by Yellowdog (12213points) April 15th, 2017

I met a girl from my past just a couple of years ago. Both of us were in rather low places in life and on disability. In spite of not being a perfect match, she and I fell in love and rented an apartment together.

I do not actually intend to move in with her until we are married if it comes to that, but she needed somewhere to live (she was homeless and a victim of domestic violence)—because her standards were rather high, our apartment is really beyond what we can comfortably afford for now and exceeds my/our income.

I did / do have access to a lot of my things when I was much better off than I am today. She and I bought a few furniture items together but most of it was my things.

However, from the first few of my items I brought in, I found that she was rebuffing them. Two elegant wall display cases that looked custom made for the apartment—were by the door—my GF “didn’t want them.”

She accepted about half of the things I’ve brought over the past few months rejecting even perfectly fine, practical, even elegant and costly items that really do look good in the apartment. I need these things around me because they are a part of who I am and help me to remember and dream about the past and bring her into my world—a world which is fast disappearing. She even rejects my items and spends much-needed money on similar but inferior items.

I have done a lot for her in paying for and furnishing/decorating the apartment and most of the cost is falling on me.

For now, the last straw was this— a therapist (psychologist) explained to me why she was doing this, and this woman’s need for control and how to reason / compromise with her, which I made a few efforts at talking with her about. But one of the most expensive items I had—two Tiffany / glass candlesticks (which I’d paid $150 apiece for back in 1999) were gone from the mantle. I liked them because they were colorful, artistic, and “gay” in the original sense—and brought a carousel – like splash of color to a mantlepeice which we were trying to evoke that kind of ambiance.

Eventually she told me she had broken one of them. Well, I was fine with that, even, until I found out that she was in the act of removing them. What really irked me, however, was that she didn’t even preserve all the pieces (I can sometimes fix glass) and she had put the other one, fragile as it is with its long stem—in a plastic grocery store bag tied up like trash with a few other porcelain items, a copper alarm clock, and a few items from walmart.

This was the last straw for me and I said I was taking everything of mine out of the apartment that I knew she didn’t want—and was bringing a storage container for her to place anything and everything she didn’t want. I also took a few things of mine that she probably DID want.

She said that she didn’t want/need my “things” but only needed me (she is somewhat codependent)— I told her that my things were a part of who I am and I need that connection to my past and that I hadn’t had space to use or display these things for a long time. She said I could bring my things but she just didn’t know how she wanted the apartment to look yet (without my things its pretty bland).

To be honest I’ve now lost interest in the apartment. I am thinking about putting my things back in storage and just letting her have it. But I don’t want a “taking my toys and going home” attitude. The apartment is my home, too— a psychologist I know told me that this woman has, more-or-less- HGTV tastes—not bad and often ecclectic in a very aesthetic way but nothing really of her own—and doesn’t understand or relate to art or unusual items—regarding it as clutter or ‘nick nacks”. My tastes are more like from a Metropolitan Museum of Art gift catalogue with a generous dose of nautical seaside resort, English-American, and folk pieces. There is nothing inharmoneous about our tastes and I make sure my things and her tastes coincide or complement.

My world is fast disappearing and I need to keep a reminder about the way things once were with the hope they will be again. I accept her things. But she wants the apartment spare and boring. Unless its to pay very high prices for things we don’t need and already have.

Should I just move all my things out? Would that be mean?

Observing members: 0 Composing members: 0

18 Answers

Yellowdog's avatar

I want to clarify that I am at this point just wanting to take all my things from the apartment whether she wants them or not—some of my things she wants but why should she pick and choose/. The things we bought together that she wanted originally and I bought for her, she can keep. But this will never be my home, I realize, and I’m ready to just let her have it and not renew the lease when it comes up in nine months. I’ll support her as much as I’m able as long as I can, but she needs to live on her own budget if she’s occupying the space and wants nothing else.

I don’t even like going over there with it looking sparse. I need a home for my things, too.

Coloma's avatar

So what is your plan? To move out all of your things but continue paying for the apartment while your dysfunctional girlfriend just rests on her laurels? I think you know the answer here. This non-relationship is not working out, it is not working for you, and she has all the advantage. I say tell her, straight up that it’s not working, its run its course and give her several months notice to either find a way to keep the apartment herself or tough shit, figure it out.

You do not OWE this woman anything and certainly not a free ride through life while you take a backseat in every way. Nope…gigs up lady, figure it out, not your problem anymore.

ragingloli's avatar

All I am reading is how you are frustrated that she resists your attempts at completely controlling and defining your shared apartment.
From your post it is clear that you are the controlling one.

Jeruba's avatar

Apparently you do have some straws left. If I were you, I think I’d be asking myself if what I’m getting out of this relationship is worth what it costs me—in real terms, not in the price of decorative items and artifacts. What do you have if you lose yourself?

kritiper's avatar

She needs to live within her own world, minus your stuff. You can be a part of her world, just keep your stuff out of it. You want to help her, but it may also be your need to rescue her, or so you may think.
Looks like you need to find your own space, for yourself and your things, and let her have her own space, even if it means she can’t afford it. Some people are like that, and you must accept it.
The truth hurts sometimes and sometimes the hurt is VERY painful. But to your own self you must be true, before any other. Be strong!

Yellowdog's avatar

I cannot understand loving someone and not accepting their baggage.

Women and girls in the past, I have loved their things simply because they loved them—no matter how tacky or homely or stupid or meaningless to me these items were, I have accepted other people’s interests even when I wasn’t interested in them personally.

Yellowdog's avatar

Ragingloli, I have considered your position even before posting the question and yes, I do find it valid— that I am the one being controlling.

The thing about it is, I am NOT rejecting any of her things and have bought her many things she wants or needs, and we share expenses on other things. But she rejects my things, which I need a place for also, lest they forever be packed in the heat of my parent’s attic crawl space.

I reiterate that when I love someone, I love their things also simply because they are important to them, whether I have a need for them or not. You may think your loved one’s Garfield clock is abhorrent as I may think my parents’ Brazilian 60s-era dining suite—but I don’t dis them or demand their removal simply because I don’t like them.

Coloma's avatar

@Yellowdog Thing is, it really just doesn’t matter. It’s not working. Different tastes and different preferences here. I like my house the way I like it too that is why I have no desire to live with somebody anymore.

Nothing wrong with that, but…I also don’t have some sugar daddy paying my way while refusing him his right to have his own stuff in the house he is paying for.
If you guys can’t blend your mutual stuff into one home space then you just need to either break up with this women or get your own place and then everyone is happy. What you don’t do is keep paying her way when you have no say as to your preferences. That’s just dysfunctional and masochistic.

I mean think about but you are not allowed to have your possessions in the house YOU are PAYING for! Nope, uh uh, not acceptable on any level.

BlueAjah's avatar

Can you find some things you like together, and build a meaning beyond that? Stuff is…..stuff. We all have way too much of it anyways. If you’re ready to let if go and accept her style, awesome. What is it that you’re briniging that you feel like is not being heard. It’s more of a relationship issue. Scenery always changes, but the one you love stays true.

stanleybmanly's avatar

It sounds like the 2 of you should either live separately or split up the space. Sexist or not, it’s been my experience that even the most mild and sensible women have very strong opinions when it comes to arranging the nest. Strategically, your best shot is your own room to do with as you please, because tactically, you’re doomed to defeat in all of the common rooms in your house/apartment. I would heed @Jeruba ‘s wise council. Choose between your stuff or your gal, because her attitude’s set in stone.

jca's avatar

@Yellowdog: I remember a few months ago you were talking about renting furniture from Rent-a-Center. Did you do that? I remember multiple Jellies told you not to, because what you end up paying when it’s all done is way more than the items are worth. I hope you’re not in this long term rental contract for furniture and your girlfriend is going to be living there and enjoying stuff you are paying for. If you break up with her, she may damage the items (the way she damaged your candlesticks) and you’re on the hook for all of it.

She sounds selfish. I wouldn’t put up with this stuff. I have the feeling you feel sorry for her.

Pied_Pfeffer's avatar

I can relate to some of this. While the scenarios are vastly different, the merging of two households and tastes into one happy compromise is exactly where my partner started out.

What seems to have worked for us is to start with the bigger picture. We talked about all of the things that were important to us in order to achieve what it would take to make each of us happy for the rest of our lives. We’ve come to the conclusion that we are sincerely in agreement.

One suggestion is to schedule a discussion with her in order to discuss each others’ personal goals. If the relationship is going to be successful, then this needs to be open and laid out much like a business plan. Set goals, decide upon what it will take to achieve each one, who is responsible for it, and celebrate each achievement.

If a relationship spirals down to the point where the arguments become stuck on whether to move a cabinet into the mutual home or not means that focus is obscured. It’s time to take a step or two back and do some soul-searching. Hopefully, the two of you can do it together and laugh about it at some point. We have.

ARE_you_kidding_me's avatar

You let a woman move in and you still think you have any control over “shared spaces?” That’s not usually how it works. You need a room that is off limits to her where you can be yourself. You need a man cave. Listening to your rant it is clear that this will be mandatory for you.
When my wife and I met I owned almost nothing. We decided on basically everything together. I’m resigned to the fact that there will always be hello kitty and fairies and shit everywhere. I have my space to recharge in so I could care less.

Coloma's avatar

^ ” I’m resigned to the fact that there will always be hello kitty and fairies and shit everywhere…” LOLOLOL Man, you do need that man cave dude. haha

ARE_you_kidding_me's avatar

^^funny thing is I know she likes it so much that I actually bought most of it for her. I even made her a display case for her hello kitty figurines. Happy wife, happy life.

Coloma's avatar

^ Very true. haha
I’m not a cutesy type of woman, a friend of mine gave me a solar garden fairy once a few years ago. I was devastated. haha
I had to keep that creepy little thing in my garden for a couple years until it finally got moldy and died. lol

MollyMcGuire's avatar

Take your toys and go home.

Response moderated (Spam)

Answer this question




to answer.

This question is in the General Section. Responses must be helpful and on-topic.

Your answer will be saved while you login or join.

Have a question? Ask Fluther!

What do you know more about?
Knowledge Networking @ Fluther