Social Question

Dutchess_III's avatar

Is this a legitimate reason to start a Go Fund Me account, and how do I start one?

Asked by Dutchess_III (38413points) April 18th, 2017

I’m considering opening one for my daughter, but I feel SO uncomfortable about it, like I’m begging, but I don’t know what else to do.
She’s probably going to undergo pretty major surgery which will take her out of work for 6 to 8 weeks during her recovery. She won’t have any way to pay her rent, utilities, car payments, insurance, all of that. She has insurance through work, but she’ll still have pretty substantial out of pocket expenses.
What would the response be, and how do I go about starting it? What do I say? How does it work?

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145 Answers

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kritiper's avatar

Go to “gofundme.com” and read up on it. They have all the info you need to know. But be sure to post a legitimate need as they will bust you if it isn’t.

imrainmaker's avatar

I haven’t been to the site much but if you check their help center link it says you can use this for raising money for your loved ones.

Dutchess_III's avatar

Thanks.

Oh, it’s legit @kritiper. She’s in a panic. Sucks when you have to decide between a surgery to save your life and paying bills.

dappled_leaves's avatar

The difficulty is in having people find your gofundme page, and in inspiring them to donate. Do you have some idea where you’re going to publicize it and how? Try to plan that out before you create the page, and create a page that would inspire you to give.

ANef_is_Enuf's avatar

It sounds like the sort of thing that I think of using GoFundMe pages for, but whether it fits their guidelines, I can’t say. Seems like it should.
I agree with @dappled_leaves, the difficult thing is getting people to actually read/click/donate. I know that it must be hard to take the leap and ask for help, but I don’t see it as begging. Everyone falls on hard times, we all could use a hand at one point in our lives or another, and if not for a major surgery, it could easily be something else. If someone is judging, that’s their problem, but otherwise this is a legitimate situation in which it is appropriate to ask for help (in my opinion.)

LornaLove's avatar

Why does she not write to the companies she will be owing money to and ask them to pay a bit extra each month until it is paid up? She also needs to update her insurance if it leaves her short. I personally cannot see anyone funding a person who should have taken care of their finances a little better.

Dutchess_III's avatar

I’ll run it all through you guys @dappled_leaves! Of course, I’ll start with Facebook, then Twitter.

@LornaLove that was just mean. Read the details. It’s the basic living expenses, rent, utilities, car payment, that kind of thing.
Oh, so you think by updating her insurance she will magically not have any deductible or out of pocket expenses? The best insurance pays 90 / 10, which leaves 10% of the bill for you to pay. That can be a LOT of money.
Go away.

LornaLove's avatar

@Dutchess_III If she cannot pay her living expenses for a period surely she is living beyond her means? I’m sure it is a lot of money, but I cannot see how that is the general population’s problem? I’ve personally never asked anyone not even family members to pay my bills, why ask strangers. That is just my opinion. Regarding the ‘go away’ comment, I’m afraid just because you don’t like my slant on the question, does not mean you have to be so rude? I am merely stating the obvious surely? I realize it is stressful and I am sorry this has happened to her.

Dutchess_III's avatar

Jesus Christ. She is NOT living beyond her means and she CAN pay her living expenses but NOT if she has NO income coming in.
What planet are you from?

LornaLove's avatar

@Dutchess_III Possibly 16 years of being a Financial Planner? However, I shall as you say ‘go away’. Good luck with your venture.

i.e. income insurance it is tax deductable.

ANef_is_Enuf's avatar

It must be really nice to not be able to imagine how a person might not be able to afford surgery (even with insurance) or the cost of missing 8 weeks of work. lol.

Dutchess_III's avatar

Oh shut up Lorna.

Right @ANef_is_Enuf? When I had my surgery the total bill was, like, $250,000. Oh my, how I dreaded getting my portion…which was only $1,900, much to my relief. But it still took 2 years to pay it. Then I got laid off and that made it even harder. I just thank God I had Rick and another income coming in. There have been times in my life that losing my job would have almost been a death knell for me. There was no one but me to support my kids, as is my daughter’s situation now.

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chyna's avatar

@Dutchess_III Do what you want, but stop badgering people for giving their advice. You asked, they responded.

chyna's avatar

Oh, and for my answer, no, I would not ask strangers to help me pay for my bills.

Dutchess_III's avatar

@LornaLove, I got it. 16 years of being a financial planner for rich people. Most people in this world are not rich. I still fail to see how having a monthly rent and utility bills, and buying food means one is living beyond their means.

@chyna It makes me uncomfortable too, but I don’t know what else to do. When I was getting my teaching degree I was running a daycare during the day to support the family. However, I was looking at a period of 5 months when I had to do my student teaching, ie. sit in on a class room for a semester. That meant I’d have to give up my daycare and my income. However, I had time to plan for it. I started paying ahead on all of my bills, the mortgage the utilities, whatever. In the end I had them all paid 5 months ahead. BUT I had time to plan for that. My daughter does not. She’s a young single mother and she’s having some fairly serious medical issues.

Do you have any other ideas? You would not ask strangers so what would you do?

chyna's avatar

@Dutchess_III I don’t know, what did people do before go fund me?

Pied_Pfeffer's avatar

The question is if this is a ligimate reason to start a Go Fund Me project. From what has been shared thus far, in my opinion, no.

Ask yourself why it makes you uncomfortable to create one for the daughter. This is what would come into mind if she were my child: she is no longer a dependent; I taught her how to be financially sufficient, including insurance coverage; if she wants to accept monetary handouts, then she can create a GFM acct. herself. Personally, I would be absolutely mortified if my mother did that for me.

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Dutchess_III's avatar

Yes @Pied_Pfeffer. And she is financially independent. She pays all of her own bills. But like many people, especially single mothers, she is living paycheck to paycheck. She was telling me that if she could get the doctor to “put off the surgery” for a month (during which time she could become septic,) she would see if work will let her work 7/10…that’s 7 days a week, 10 hours a day. But then, who’s going to care for the kids (twins, age 4) when she works those hours? And for the 6 – 8 weeks after the surgery? She lives 60 miles away. I can move in for the next 3 months to babysit. That’s one possibility. Not sure how that would work out though, and that won’t help much with her bills.
We’re thinking of everything we can. I just don’t know how we’re going to swing it. I realize I could just shrug and walk away, say it’s her problem, not mine, since she’s independent, but I’m her mom. Her family.
Sometimes we all need somebody. And things just aren’t like they used to be with people, family, scattered to the winds, and strangers screaming at you that you’re a loser because you’re living above your means because you have rent every month, and a utility bill to pay, and you haven’t had a chance to set aside thousands for an emergency such as this.

Mariah's avatar

Are people really so unaware of our broken healthcare system that they think you’d have to be irresponsible to fall on financial hard times when in need of a surgery?

I hope people show less judgement and more compassion towards you all when you inevitably get sick someday.

This seems like a perfectly valid cause for a GoFundMe. I hope someday our system will no longer necessitate begging for handouts but it is the reality for now.

Brian1946's avatar

I think it’s a legit reason.

Does her state provide any disability or medical leave pay? As I recall, my employer withheld money for workman’s compensation from every paycheck.

This makes me realize how lucky I was having a good union (I think whatever state disability didn’t pay our employer did) and how lucky I am to live in a blue state.

ANef_is_Enuf's avatar

Maybe it’s because I know a lot of people who could easily have their lives completely overturned by one medical emergency or because I know what it is like to be in a position like that (not without a safety net, thankfully), but it’s not uncommon and I see GoFundMe used for situations like that frequently.
Whether or not it’s acceptable is an individual decision. I regularly share and donate to funds to pay for medical bills and surgeries that people cannot afford and I recently have shared and donated to two separate and unrelated funds by (very good, hard working, responsible, stable people) that I know who were struggling to make ends meet in the middle of a medical crisis. Those who wish to lend a hand will do so and those who do not, won’t. It’s also possible that by asking for help, people that know her may offer services (housekeeping/childcare/errands?) rather than money, which would also be helpful if she does not have access to those things. If you and your daughter both sincerely think that she could use a hand, then I think you should ask for it.

jca's avatar

I see people with gofundme accounts to pay for their pet’s medical bills and I saw one friend whose car needed brakes, so I would think this would qualify. I wouldn’t do it on behalf of my daughter, though. I’d leave it up to her if she wanted to created one for herself. Another option is borrowing from friends and family (keeping it off the internet), the way it would have been done in the past. “Mom, can you lend me two thousand dollars so I can pay the rent for the next three months?”

How long will she have to be out of work with the recovery, @Dutchess_III? Is it really going to be months?

jca's avatar

Another option is if her job offers her disability insurance, or she can get disability insurance on her own, which might mean postponing the surgery for a short period so the insurance can kick in, but then it will pay her for being out.

stanleybmanly's avatar

@Mariah you nailed it. People from other first world countries have no idea just how dire the health insurance situation is here for the average individual. The alarming thing is that so many Americans in good health have no idea just how dire the health insurance situation is here. It’s rapidly approaching a situation in which the primary factor in unforeseen destitution is a medical diagnosis.

funkdaddy's avatar

I’m sorry to hear about your daughter. GoFundMe might help, but really it’s just a way for her existing community to donate easily to her. If you think people you/she know would like to help, but aren’t sure how, that’s a great use for it. I think the best campaigns there just keep it short and keep it honest. Explain what’s happening, what’s needed and why, but not how hard it is.

You probably already knew that though. I really just wanted to share some things that helped my family when we had a similar situation, with the hope that your daughter can use something there.

Short version would be, my wife had my son (so hospital stay for a few days), at a week old my son contracted viral meningitis, (another hospital stay) and then three weeks later my wife had emergency surgery for a torsed ovary (another hospital stay).

We felt prepared for the baby, and had money saved, but three hospital visits in a month, a new baby, greater expenses and less ability to work left us with a lot fewer options and a lot more worries. It happens.

Things I learned and that helped, that might help your daughter as well

- we talked with the HR representative at her work and told them exactly what had happened and asked what we needed to do. She laid out steps to make sure we took care of everything we could at her job, to make that easy, and also made some suggestions about where we might get some financial help. If there’s someone at your daughter’s work, I’d do this as soon as possible, it really made everything else easier.
– short term disability insurance – we had to fight on this one (happy to fill in details if needed) but see if there’s something available
– her work had a plan set up where coworkers could donate PTO to each other, and several did, most places I’ve been have something similar
– her employer also had a fund set up for unforeseen medical expenses. We applied and received some money fairly quickly. Now we pay in each month for the next person.
– people want to help – we had so many people do small things to make it easier and we were really grateful to have them. People who might not give money might be happy to bring by a meal or take a child for a while, we made lists and calendars to try and make it easy for people to coordinate.

I hope it works out for her.

Zaku's avatar

I don’t know much about Go Fund Me, but I say “why not?”

I would not worry about “feeling like begging”. So what?

In my morality, people in need should be allowed to make simple requests for aid, and others can decide to help or not. I think people who are upset by that, or feel or assign shame to it, suffer from some sort of toxic shame problem.

It’s ironic how common such shame and shaming behavior is, in nations that are supposedly Christian, because I’m pretty sure Jesus would suggest helping out people in need.

Such as @LornaLove‘s “I personally cannot see anyone funding a person who should have taken care of their finances a little better.” Seems very cold and judgemental to me.

The various people mentioning some form of the idea that everyone should be able to manage their money responsibly so that they can cover massive health costs and inability to work, and so it’s their fault… wow. I think that must have to do with denial about what a cruel nation we really are, and how screwed up our economic system is, especially in the sense that almost everyone is actually in danger of being abandoned if somehow their finances tank, which can happen very easily and randomly despite the best of intentions. It’s challenging enough for most people to feel they have enough to pay their immediate expenses, even when they are healthy, young, educated and employed.

canidmajor's avatar

Curious as to how your daughter feels about this idea. You talk about your discomfort, but not about how she would react. Has she looked into this? Is she setting something like this up, and maybe hasn’t mentioned it? Are you both on the same page, here? She may have done all of the research already, and perhaps has started the process.

I wish for her a return to good health.

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snowberry's avatar

Another option not mentioned here is have daughter and kids move back home with you. Yes, I know the disruption that would cause, but we did the same for our daughter, hubby and kids.

They had both just quit their jobs in preparation for him taking a new job in another state. She was pregnant at the time but wasn’t due yet. All plans were going well until the job offer fell through and then she an emergency C-section which required extended recovery time.

It was a perfect storm of disastrous events which left them homeless and without jobs. It was nobody’s fault.

If all else fails they could move in with you.

janbb's avatar

@LornaLove You may not still be reading but the one piece in this that you may be missing is that in America, we don’t have national health insurance so medical events can really destroy your finances, however well planned they are. You need to have a really big financial cushion to not be affected adversely by a hospital stay and recovery period.

dappled_leaves's avatar

@chyna “I don’t know, what did people do before go fund me?”

Well, some of them died.

jca's avatar

Another option for this person is she could go to Social Services and look for rental assistance, food stamps, etc. Just throwing out some ideas.

stanleybmanly's avatar

It’s fascinating to read the analysis by @LornaLove. There isn’t a single word of her advice that isn’t sound and sensible. The only thing that is blindingly evident is that she either doesn’t live HERE, or is (like far too many comfortable Americans) isolated from the mainstream.
As for that bit about not blaming the country for our problems, she’s technically right again. After all, WE voted for Trump. Unless you are immersed in this, it may well be difficult to appreciate just how ordinary a circumstance confronts Dutchess’ kid. But here’s the giveaway or proof of Lorna’s warped perspective. It’s in that piece of advice about never accepting a job that won’t pay your bills. Now THAT is absolute proof that she doesn’t have a clue. “Let them eat cake”

Zaku's avatar

@stanleybmanly I disagree that @LornaLove can be said to be simply “technically right”. Righteous, perhaps. Her words have industrial toxic shame smeared through the advice that’s designed to seem sound and sensible… and to sell products and services. It’s her job, and the language and philosophy of it are not just hers but come from her industry, which includes insurance for these things. As such, it’s a carefully developed language designed to use people’s shame and insecurity to get them to buy into what is designed to sound like authoritative truth that uses a carefully softened version of a shaming conversation disguising an ethos of abandonment. Then it’s designed to profit by selling not just advice but insurance designed to both support all of that industry’s overhead and make an ever-increasing profit to satisfy shareholders. It does this by developing this mindset and then calculating how much money people will be willing and able to pay to feel a degree of safety (oh, and responsibility and adultness and lack of shame and ability to shame others) while still making a nice increasing net profit on top of everyone’s (also steadily increasing) medical and other disaster costs.

Which is not to say that it’s not worth at least considering the ideas and options she mentions, but I’d much prefer a version without the toxic shame.

tinyfaery's avatar

Oh, privileged white people. What a dream world they live in.

stanleybmanly's avatar

That’s a VERY interesting view of this and undoubtedly true. But it strikes me that she cannot possibly be aware of just how absurd and insulting her advice might appear to those living close to the edge. Take that business about building your savings or even more obtuse, the bit about shelling out money for wage insurance. No one can argue that those aren’t sound and sensible suggestions. But it is the assumption that these options are open to everyone. There is also a tone of barely concealed contempt for someone in trouble, and the implication that she is undeserving of empathy or compassion. After all, “it’s her own fault.”

janbb's avatar

I think, as I said above, the fact that LL has lived mainly or only in countries with social safety nets skews her advice.

stanleybmanly's avatar

I certainly agree

Zaku's avatar

@stanleybmanly Yes, quite!
@janbb I didn’t realize that, and yes.

Pied_Pfeffer's avatar

@Dutchess_III Thank you for the additional information; it’s helpful.

In the big picture, her health needs to be the #1 priority. So what will it take to get the medical attention she needs in a timely manner?

A few more questions: What does your husband have to say about this? Where is the father of the children? Is he providing any support, or can he, either financially or with childcare?

There are several suggestions from others above in how to look into additional means of getting help. Has she checked into all of these?

Again, I have nothing against setting up a GoFundMe acct., as long as it is her decision.

LornaLove's avatar

I’m really tired of answering this question but I find the insults overwhelming. First of all, I am NO LONGER a financial advisor. I left that industry 5 years ago. This is all common sense. I have an illness that is chronic and long lasting and I supported myself 5 years without asking for help from anyone else.
It was tough. I had to do menial jobs and tasks after leaving a successful profession, but I did it in order to survive. In South Africa, where I am from, there is zero free health care, zero handouts you are on your own.
THIS is why I think this way. I understand that not to prepare is fatal. I also paid for policies every month. In case I got stricken with an illness, for retirement, for all eventualities. I paid 45% income tax all my working years some 30 plus years. I got NOTHING for that. I am merely stating the obvious. So before you insult people and make assumptions, consider they are incorrect. Really, I answered a question that asked if it were Okay to ask the public to pay your bills?
In my opinion, it’s not.
Simple and I gave some options. None of which were noted. Like asking to pay portions etc,, which I have first-hand experience. Really if you want to ask the public to pay for your daughters rent do it. Why ask us.

Ridiculous thread this.

Dutchess_III's avatar

I love this ”Never take a job that does not have a defined salary if you are responsible for the household bills. ”
“Why aren’t you working you deadbeat?! Why are you mooching off the system? Loser!!!”
“Because every job I’ve been offered isn’t paying the minimum amount I’m willing to settle for.”
She’s young. She’s not some old person with scads of extra money looking to retire. She drives a forklift in a factory. She works 6–7 days a week, and as many hours as they’ll give her. She has 2 small children to support by herself.
Of course they were noted @LornaLove. Your contribution were just horrible, clueless and judgemental. They were noted and made me feel like shit.

I’ll talk to her about talking with her HR department. Maybe there is something they can suggest. I’m just scared she could lose her job over this.

@jca, I’ll suggest SRS to her too. In fact, when I was facing this same scenario I was talking to others about what the hell to do. That’s when I first heard of food stamps. I never even knew there was such a thing (I was raised a privileged white girl.) I don’t know if the house she’s living in qualifies for section 8 though. SRS won’t help with rent on just any place. Have to check into that.

When I spoke with her about it she said she had considered a Go Fund Me, but decided against it for the same reason I’m uncomfortable doing it. I raised her, after all. She may agree if I’m the one who starts it. Of course, I wouldn’t do it if she didn’t want me to.

But this is really urgent. Without the surgery she will probably die. As it is she’s in a lot, a LOT of pain. But she still gets up at 4:30 a.m. and goes to work, every day.

MrLove's avatar

@Dutchess_III and you don’t make people feel like shit with the way that you talk to them?

Like I said earlier, if you only want the answers that you want to hear then don’t ask the question in the first place or else it is completely pointless. If you only want to hear what you want then ask yourself by looking in the mirror.

funkdaddy's avatar

@Dutchess_III -

I’ll talk to her about talking with her HR department. Maybe there is something they can suggest. I’m just scared she could lose her job over this.

If her employer qualifies (basically 50+ employees) and she qualifies (full time for at least a year, plus a few other things), then look into or ask about FMLA, which guarantees her job for up to 12 weeks. No pay, but not fired. (quick FMLA FAQ)

Dutchess_III's avatar

Will do. Thanks @funkdaddy. She’s at the docs now. I’ll be talking to her soon.
I don’t think she’d be fired in any case, but you never know.

Dutchess_III's avatar

Update. She has about a month before surgery. She’s going to work as much as she can, save as much as she can. I told her I’ll set money aside to help when I can. She has care for the kids covered.
Her biggest concern is her rent of $565 per month.
Her utility bills are <$200 a month.
Then she has car insurance, phone bill, yadda yadda.
That housing development does not participate in Section 8, @jca. I did tell her to call them see if there is anything they can do to help her out. Trouble is, around here, anyway, SRS isn’t really set up for short term assistance (which is counter intuitive to me) but we’ll see.
She’s also going to talk to her HR department and see what there may be beyond FMLA, which doesn’t bring in money. It just assures her job (which is no assurance at all. It just means if they fire you, they can’t list you being sick as the reason.)
She will qualify for short term disability and expects about $100 a week from that. About enough for food and toilet paper.
She wondered if she could apply for unemployment. I said I didn’t think so because you have to actually be unemployed.
We’re just going to try and pull it all together by then.
Thanks for the help guys.
Damn it I wish I was rich.

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jca's avatar

@Dutchess_III: She won’t qualify for unemployment because you have to be laid off in order to receive it. If she weren’t working due to quitting, she’s not eligible.

Dutchess_III's avatar

That’s what I told her, @jca. “She wondered if she could apply for unemployment. I said I didn’t think so because you have to actually be unemployed.”
I am also aware that, in most instances, when a person quits, they don’t qualify for unemployment.

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flutherother's avatar

GoFundMe can never be a substitute for a proper national healthcare system and I would personally be very uncomfortable in using it for this purpose. America is a rich country run by the rich for the rich and for the poor there is a begging bowl. How can this be acceptable?

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Mariah's avatar

“GofundMe is a wonderful opportunity for people to raise funds for those less fortunate. We had a baby in the UK that was on life support at the age of a few months. Now that, is a true cause.”

I’m confused. Why is this a more worthy cause? In both cases we’re talking about funding life-saving medical treatment. Why are you blaming Dutchess’s daughter for not having an emergency fund for medical situations and not the baby’s parents? Why did the baby’s parents even need assistance in the UK where they have national healthcare?

Dutchess_III's avatar

@canidmajor ” she offered actual advice and insight within her realm of experience. ” Really? Let us review:

1) Right out of the gate she determined that because my daughter has rent and utilities to pay every month she is living beyond her means and needs to get her shit together and not expect other people to pay her bills. She is even suppose to write letters to people she “owes money to.”
“Dear Utility office. Please stop sending me a utility bill. Thank you.”

2) She is certain that because she has spent several years advising people with more money than they know what do do with, that makes her an expert in dealing with people literally living from paycheck to paycheck, hovering at the poverty level.

3) If she is living at the poverty level she’s an idiot.

4) She brags….” I supported myself 5 years without asking for help from anyone else” BFD! My daughter has supported herself, and her kids, for 13 years, and hasn’t asked for any help. I guess the fact that she’ll be forced to take off work with no pay to recover from major surgery is another indication that she is a loser.
I supported myself and 4 children for 11 years with no help. BFD!

5) She should never accept a job that pays less than what she is willing to accept. No clue how she’s supposed to support her and the kids while she’s bringing in no money, waiting for the “right” job offer. Brilliant.

Where in there do you see any actual help or advice? I don’t see anything but insults and absolutely no clue.

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Dutchess_III's avatar

Update: She’s going to see how much is in her 401K and how much she can borrow against it. I was tickled to hear that she had one because I’d been after her to sign up the instant she could, but I didn’t think she had.
She figures she’s going to need about$5,000 to get her through those 2 months. Fingers crossed.

Pied_Pfeffer's avatar

@Dutchess_III After reading your latest post and the slant that has been put upon the interpretation of what advice @LornaLove shared, that there is no regard for considering the advice of others. It’s one thing to read it and reject it based upon the specific circumstances.

Just thank the contributor and wait for the next response. If it would be helpful to the members who actually follow the thread, then share why a specific suggestion won’t work by providing additional details.

These assumptions are doing nothing to resolve the issue at hand.

cazzie's avatar

I think a certain amount of disgust at this situation is warranted and not being sympathetic to Dutchess and her daughter is distasteful and isn’t surprising it’s meeting with some backlash.

NO young mother with kids who works full time and has a health crises should despair financially. These aren’t things that can be planned for or even afforded, in most cases. The US is a country where you can go into such debt to ‘healthcare institutions’ that there are two HUGE industries build around it: 1: Health Insurance 2. Debt collection agencies that specialise just in buying debt from health care industry. People lose their homes regularly because of this ridiculous system.

If you want to say, ‘I’ve been sick and never relied on other people’ Well, good for fucking you. You know what I say? Check your fucking privilege. When you say, ‘That never happened to me so it shouldn’t happen to other people’, you are not checking your privilege.

Single Payer Universal healthcare has to happen. But in the mean time, go to the public and ask for help, because that is what everyone should be doing anyway through a properly run, NON profit healthcare system. It could be be organised by a government healthcare agency and the Insurance companies making shitloads of money and the for profit health care business model would be shut down. It’s broken because too may corporations are raking in big dollars. It isn’t anyone’s fault but the corporations. Buying MORE corporate bullshit insurance isn’t the answer.

http://images.huffingtonpost.com/2016-03-14-1457975323-396120-boesk2.jpg

Dutchess_III's avatar

There is no slant. That’s exactly what she said @Pied_Pfeffer: “Why does she not write to the companies she will be owing money to and ask them to pay a bit extra each month until it is paid up? She also needs to update her insurance if it leaves her short. I personally cannot see anyone funding a person who should have taken care of their finances a little better.”
You don’t see that as insulting?

Oh, and I forgot about that one. As if the fact that she’ll have out of pocket expenses after insurance can be resolved by “updating her insurance.”
You don’t see that as clueless?

Agreed 100% @cazzie.
At the moment she’s a bit upset because they’ll only be allowing them to work 40 hours a week for the foreseeable future. She usually works 6 days a week, often 7 days a week.

stanleybmanly's avatar

I agree that there’s no need for claws. Clearly Lorna’s perspective differs considerably from our own. But her advice is genuine and free of malevolence. Rather than being angry or offended, I am much more interested in how she misses the glaring points so obvious to the rest of us. And considering her line of work, I think the reasons must be downright intriguing.

Dutchess_III's avatar

See my post above yours. @stanleybmanly That’s a copy and paste of her first volley. I don’t know it’s malevolence as much as utterly judgemental not to mention clueless. At one point she suggested my daughter was “living beyond her means.” WTF? She supposed to go live under a bridge with the kids so she won’t have basic living expenses?
Her bills are outlined in the details. @LornaLove may be good with numbers, not so good with reading comprehension, I guess.

stanleybmanly's avatar

Think for a second about the circumstances under which her advice and comments would not be insulting. As I said, all of it probably makes perfect sense for the clients she served. And some of it can be applied to all of us. For example, it is prudent to notify your creditors that you’ve hit a rough patch and that you intend to make good on your debts.

Dutchess_III's avatar

She only has one creditor, for her truck. It’ll be paid off in 3 months though. YAY! She does not buy on credit (except for her vehicle) and she does not use credit cards. Lorna was waaay out of line giving financial advice to someone when she hasn’t a clue about that person’s financial situation.

Yes, her advice was grand for people who have suddenly come into a small fortune, or for someone who’s worked most of their lives in professional capacities and now has lots more money than they need. Not so good for a young woman with kids who’s had a job driving a fork lift for and a year and a half. However, getting her certification for the fork lift means she makes about $2 an hour more than she would otherwise.
She makes about $14.50 an hour, lives in a house that’s maybe 600 square feet.

cazzie's avatar

@Dutchess_III Creditors, in most cases aren’t who she is actually in debt to currently, but who she will accrue invoices from. Rent, Insurance, Telephone, Power… they are all creditors. They provide a service under contract and send invoices they expect to be paid. If she thinks she could fall behind on any of them, there my be a way to arrange with them to pay a bit less while she isn’t earning and then catch up later. It’s a very old fashioned idea and most people laugh when you ask. The best I’ve ever been able to do is to get the collection agency to remove some of their interest and charges costs if I promised to pay it that day. But, if she has a really nice land lord, she might be able to come to terms with them.

Dutchess_III's avatar

Right. That is true, but it’s a little different. I don’t think the utility company would allow her to go 2 months without paying the bill, or the rental place either. I did tell her to talk to them, though, to at least give them a heads up. I’ll let you know. She’s very good at getting her ducks in a row.

jca's avatar

Another thing she might be able to do is pay a minimum to each utility per month. Maybe the minimum is 10 bucks or 20 bucks, to keep off fees or shutoff.

Dutchess_III's avatar

Thanks. She’ll look into all of that. I’m going to be helping as much as I can.
Of course, then she’ll have a monster bill at the end of it all. :/. A thousand monster bills.

jca's avatar

@Dutchess_III: It’s no different than people coming out of college with huge college loans to pay off, and being unemployed or being underemployed (working part time or for very low wages). They often talk about drowning in debt, struggling to make it work.

Dutchess_III's avatar

Well, that would be me @jca. I had 4 kids, too. I do have something to compare it to, and this is a little different. It’s an enforced non-working situation. She can’t work. I had the option of grabbing up whatever work was available. She won’t even have that option at all.
When I had surgery for an ectopic pregnancy, that almost killed me, I was hospitalized on Friday night, released on Sunday, and by Monday morning my daycare was open as usual because I couldn’t afford any time off.
My BF (who was a teacher) helped for two days, then decided he didn’t want to anymore and he went home. It was a long, painful recovery period for me but I had no choice.
Yep. We do what we can, if we can, if at all possible. In her case, for 6 to 8 weeks (according to the doc,) it’s not possible.

Dutchess_III's avatar

We’ll make it through. I just hope nothing bad happens between now and then.

Aethelwine's avatar

Don’t be afraid to ask for help but I wouldn’t expect a huge response to your plea. Only the truly heartbreaking stories (not that yours isn’t, but there are much worse) receive a large response. It will give those who want to help easy access to do so.

I’m sorry your family is going through this difficult time. I know from experience how medical bills can devastate a family. We had to file bankruptcy many years ago. We are in debt again due to more medical bills. It never ends the older you get.

Dutchess_III's avatar

Well, update. She decided not to have the surgery. She decided to just work through the pain. However, today her Obgyn told her she HAD to have it. So we revisited the GoFund me idea. I know that putting it out all over Facebook would get to the most people but God. I don’t think I can do that. It’s mainly because I have very judgemental family members, and it would be humiliating. How can I do this without them finding out? I know. You’d think family members would be the first people we could go to. Not in my case. Mom would have helped, but she’s no longer with us.

Mariah's avatar

You can set any post on Facebook to be invisible to specific people on your friends list.

Dutchess_III's avatar

Thank you @Mariah! I did not know that!

Dutchess_III's avatar

OK. Her doctor called her today, told her she’d scheduled an appointment for her on Monday to set a surgery date. It’s getting urgent.

Here is the plea I crafted. Opinions welcome. I tried to answer any questions people might have ahead of time, I did not exaggerate and I was honest. You all have been wonderful. This is still making me sick to my stomach.

“My 31 year old daughter, Corrie, is in need of urgent surgery. Her doctor said it will require a recovery period of 6 to 8 weeks, during which time she will be virtually bed ridden. She has put it off for as long as she could because she will have no way of paying her basic living expenses during her recovery time.. Today the doctor said it needs to be done , NOW. She will find out on Monday, May 8th, the exact date of the surgery.

She is the mother of 4 children. The youngest are 4 year old twins. She does not receive child support because she has shared custody of the oldest two, and the father of the twins cannot be located.

She has health insurance through her employer, but she will still have fairly large, out-of-pocket medical bills. She needs help paying her rent, utilities, health and car insurance, car payment, food etc., during her recovery.

She also stands to lose the daycare provider for the twins unless she can pay her something during this time. The babysitter will be hard to replace because not many are willing to work the hours my daughter works. She drops the twins off at 5:30 a.m. and works from 40 to 70 hours per week.

She has contacted every agency she could find but none of them can help because she is otherwise employed full time. They tell her she will have to make do with her short term disability, which she calculates will be about $90 a week, after deductions. She has about 8 hours of paid time off left thorough work.

She estimates that she will need from $3,000 to $5,000 to make ends meet during that month and a half to two months.

We will be helping as much as we can, but I lost my job 2 years ago, due to illness, and we’re still trying to recover from that.

She is so worried about this. Please help if you can. Any amount will be appreciated.

Thank you.

Please email me at perfectform95@yahoo.com if you have any questions.”

Dutchess_III's avatar

Well, I see 3 GA, and no suggestions otherwise so I assume that plea is OK.

I need a catchy title….What about “Caring for Corrie”? Whatever we decide on, I’ll make an email address using that title, specifically for the account.

Still scared, though.

janbb's avatar

You might want to check out what FB’s rules are for posting a GoFundMe. I donated to one site and later learned that FB took 5.75% of the donation. Maybe go to the GoFundMe site and see what you can find out.

Dutchess_III's avatar

Good suggestion. I’ll check that out.

Oh, Here is the picture she sent me to use.

Dutchess_III's avatar

Cheese and Rice. I typed Go Fund Me into search bar…man alive. Hundreds of them.

I can’t find any place that specifies the parameters of sharing a GFM account on Facebook.

Dutchess_III's avatar

I know GoFundMe will take 5%. I’m getting a headache trying to find any thing that mentions Facebook specifically. I have 12 tabs open!

Dutchess_III's avatar

Well, the fund processing company also charges. Still nothing about Facebook.

This mentions:
PayPal Giving Fund (US Certified Charity campaigns)
GoFundMe platform fee: 5%
GoFundMe processing fee: 0.7%
PayPal: 2.2% +$.30 per donation
= 7.9% + $.30 per donation
(PayPal Giving Fund does not charge a fee for their services)

This has me confused. Would PayPal Giving Fund be the fund processing company?

jca's avatar

@Dutchess_III: Your link above is to “Contact us.” This is about the 7.9%. That’s a chunk of change. https://support.gofundme.com/hc/en-us/articles/203604294-GoFundMe-Guide-Fees-Pricing

janbb's avatar

When I go to my FB page on the left side there is a column and on the bottom there is a section about creating fundraisers. Try there.

Dutchess_III's avatar

Shoot, yeah. I was going through that @jca and kind of got sidetracked by the information I posted above your last comment. Finally got to the last step which lets me contact them by email, so I shall do that now.
Thanks @janbb. I’ll look at that now.

Dutchess_III's avatar

I was finally able to send them an email. Only took an hour!

Dutchess_III's avatar

OK. I think this is what I’m going to do. Set up the GoFundMe. Publish it on FB and select the people I do NOT want to see it (which would be my immediate family.) There is no charge for publishing on FB. The FB fundraiser you mentioned @janbb does charge a fee. I don’t want to go through them mainly because I’d never heard of it before.

Then I’m going to make a private FB page and invite those who donated, or who are interested, or who I can trust not to trash me for it (which is not my immediate family) where I can post updates.

Just trying to nail down one more question about processing fees, then I guess I’ll get diggy on it. I am stressing SO bad.

Thank you all so much for your understanding and help.

chyna's avatar

What happened to your daughter borrowing from her 401K? I only ask because you are stressed out about this.

Dutchess_III's avatar

Well….she hadn’t signed up after all. I think she thought it happened automatically when she was hired as a full time employee, which was in October of last year. She worked for the same company, but through a placement agency for a year before that. Kind of like a probation period.
She’s signed up now, I think, but only has a few dollars in it after just a couple of pay periods.

Thanks. I’m almost ready to run the whole smack through you guys!

Dutchess_III's avatar

Double posted

Dutchess_III's avatar

Some good news. She called the lien holder on her truck. They said that because of her stellar payment history, and that she always calls to let them know she may be late, they’ll postpone payments until the end of June. That will help a lot.

stanleybmanly's avatar

Good news indeed!

Dutchess_III's avatar

Now I’m questioning the recovery time. Her doctor says 6 to 8. I just spoke to my dad’s wife, who used to be an RN and had one herself, was shocked. She said a week or two. My daughter may have extenuating circumstance I don’t know about.

chyna's avatar

If you feel comfortable, can you tell us the surgery?

jca's avatar

@Dutchess_III: I go to that page and it says “sign up for Go Fund Me.” I’m not signing up or creating an account. I just wanted to look at your posting.

janbb's avatar

@Dutchess_III As i said on your other thread, recovery times can vary and it’s best to assume the longest period. You recover in stages and she may be able to drive before she can lift again.

Mariah's avatar

@jca I think Dutch accidentally posted the link that the owner of the fundraiser uses to view and manage the fundraiser. Here’s the one that’s for the public: https://www.gofundme.com/caring-for-corrie?ssid=995372728&pos=1

@Dutchess_III I wonder if your doc gave the “time till you feel normal” estimate while your friend gave the “time till you can do basic human functions.” That can vary wildly…I was working 2 weeks after my latest surgery (granted I have an extremely nonphysical job) but it took 5 months for me to feel normal again.

jca's avatar

Nice posting. I think if any Jellies are going to send money to the account, we’d be better off mailing a check to Val or Corrie directly, since GFM takes almost 8% right off the top.

cazzie's avatar

good idea….
I just want to go home.

Dutchess_III's avatar

Ah, it’s a hysterectomy,@Chyna. I hesitate now because so many people are saying on 2 or 3 weeks, I think we could manage that ourselves. But….I guess my daughter sent it off to her Dad, and he posted it on FB. Why didn’t I think of doing that?! Make him be the begger!
I guess it’s better to be safe than sorry. She would be so relieved to be able to go back to work so early.

Dutchess_III's avatar

She had to take off work 2 hours early today because she was in so much pain, and, of course, she can’t take the percoset the Doc prescribed because she drives a forklift. She works tomorrow, too (for the future, today is Saturday.) And every day next week. Unless she goes to surgery.

Thank you @jca. I didn’t want to turn it into some sob story. I think the facts speak for themselves. I wasn’t sure about posting the link to my blog. Both my daughter and I thought it seemed to pub me, but I thought it added one more dimension to the story. Should I take it down?

jca's avatar

I’d just post the story to your blog, @Dutchess_III, and have people contact you directly and maybe they’d mail the checks to you directly instead of using GFM. With the GFM, you’re losing a hefty chunk toward fees. If people pm you and get your address and send check to you directly, you lose nothing.

Dutchess_III's avatar

I know that. I don’t think it would work as well, though.

Dutchess_III's avatar

I’m really heartened by the responses. She has $750 donated so far. Would it be poor form to post it here?

Dutchess_III's avatar

I just hate to PM anyone directly.

Dutchess_III's avatar

Actually $855. A friend mailed me $105. I have tears in my eyes.

Dutchess_III's avatar

Corrie’s surgery is Thursday, May 11th, at 1:00.

NomoreY_A's avatar

For starters, don’t feel uncomfortable, you’re doing the right thing by your daughter. As they say, charity begins at home. Another thing, you’re not begging, you’re doing what any decent parent would do. Get the money anyway you (legally) can. As far as go fund me, I don’t know about it. Sorry I cant help. Although I would have made an anonymous donation if I had the means, I’m so broke I can’t pay attention. Good luck and keep us posted.

Dutchess_III's avatar

Thank you for your kind words.

Um…my cousin just asked me to PM her and her brother with more information. Now I’m sweating. She won 90 million in the lottery a few years ago. I deliberately did not tag any of that family for that reason. If she saw it and wanted to do something that’s wonderful, but I’m not going to push her, or anyone. In fact, I didn’t tag anyone at all. I just threw it out there.
I also temporarily removed my sister and her grown children from my FB friend’s list until this blows over. I do NOT want it getting back to her.

Out of the 7 people who have donated, 3 were from Fluther. This world is awesome.

NomoreY_A's avatar

Well, don’t let them make you feel bad, do what you have to do. Hell its not like you’re fishing for donations to buy a damn Cadillac or swimming pool, If the shoe was on the other foot, some of these folks would be doing the same thing you’re doing. Just my two cents worth.

janbb's avatar

@Dutchess_III If your rich cousin heard about it and asked you to pm her the details, why wouldn’t you? It sounds like she may want to help out.

Dutchess_III's avatar

I did. I just didn’t want to specifically tag her or anyone else.

canidmajor's avatar

Is your daughter OK? Did she have the surgery yesterday? How did it go?

Dutchess_III's avatar

Yes @canidmajor. Thank you. It went very well. She’s home and resting comfortably. I’m here. Just spent $250 at Walmart for stuff it seems like she needed.
She just paid her utility bill, $139, with the money that was donated!
We both feel she’ll be up and running well before 6 weeks. She walked out of the hospital this.morning.

canidmajor's avatar

Glad to hear it! I hope she’s healed up and back to feeling 100% soon.

stanleybmanly's avatar

@Dutchess $90 million??? You know your cousin better than we do, but I think it’s a mistake not to seek her help first in a situation such as this. This isn’t a fancy car or frivolous trip to Disneyland. You might discover that your cousin is righteously pissed that you didn’t let her know. I can tell you that I would be.

Dutchess_III's avatar

Oh, I posted the GFM on my Facebook one time, but I didn’t tag anyone, and I didn’t approach anyone directly. I specifically didn’t approach my cousin because I can only imagine that she has been utterly inundated with pitiful request from cousins of cousins of cousins by marriage that we didn’t even know we had since she won that money. I don’t want to me one of Them.

However, she and her brother both saw the link and specifically asked me to message them with the details, so I did. Brother sent $50. Haven’t heard from her, but that’s OK.

Corrie is doing very, very well. I’m with Rarebear who said 6–8 weeks was bullshit! But that’s what the doctor said so…..anyway, she has her 2 week check up next Thursday and she’s going to ask her doc to release her to go back to work the following week.

Also, her short term disability is taking forever to kick in. They called her today to confirm that she had the surgery. I guess calling her doctor, the hospital and her insurance company wasn’t enough.

Also, GFM customer service is just awesome. Well worth the 5% admin fee.

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