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Traveller9's avatar

Opinion from Women on a Guy's Past?

Asked by Traveller9 (9points) August 9th, 2017

Dear ladies, I would like to hear your opinion on the following. I am in my late 20s, with a well-paid job, more or less attractive, and, I believe, with a nice personality. I respect women. However, it is difficult for me to start a serious relationship. The reason is that in my past, living in a foreign country and not being successful with approaching women, I made a mistake and paid for sex. I had about 10 such mistakes. Now, I realise that I should have acted differently and still trying to forgive it to myself. I have had good relationships after that, but needed to end them because I didn t want to tell the truth about my awkward past. I need to add also that I am a person who always tells the truth, however inconvenient it can be. My question to you is simple: would you date a man like me? Would you consider a serious relationship? I appreciate your answers! Thank you.

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19 Answers

MrGrimm888's avatar

I’m not a female. But it seems to me that it wouldn’t be a potential mate’s business that you paid for sex, anymore than if they gave sex for money…

The past should, ideally, be irrelevant… To both parties…

Stinley's avatar

I think we should be accepting of our partner’s past so it would not bother me.

Next time tell the girl you are dating that you did this early on before you get serious. If she judges you and walks away then she is not the girl for you.

CWOTUS's avatar

Welcome to Fluther.

Speaking as an adult male, I suggest that you change your tone about this. You didn’t “make a mistake – ten times (!)”. You fucked whores. Okay? Own it. Don’t pretend that it’s something that it’s not – “a mistake”. You sound ridiculous when you make such a claim, and women who respect men won’t want to be with a ridiculous man. So don’t be ridiculous.

On some level you already know this, because “mistakes” generally don’t require forgiveness, and don’t lead us to break off otherwise satisfactory relationships because we’re ashamed to admit them. “Mistakes” can be embarrassing, yes, but mistakes don’t cause shame.

If you’re ashamed of a previous lifestyle, then that’s one thing – and still something that you should get over, if it’s really in the past – but don’t perpetuate a lie about your former shame being just a repeated mistake. (Aside from that, a mistake that you repeat ten times makes you seem stupid on top of ridiculous.)

Own your past and own up to it, to yourself first of all.

janbb's avatar

Are you clean? Have you been tested? That would be my first question. After that, it might disturb me a bit but I don’t think it would be a deal breaker. I think third date or so would be the time to tell or at least before you became intimate. But don’t let it stop you from approaching women.

Mariah's avatar

This would not be an issue for me unless you were positive for a serious STD (or didn’t know your status), or unless you spoke of the sex workers in a derogatory way.

jca's avatar

I agree with @CWOTUS. It’s not a mistake if you do it 20 times, and my first thought would be did you wear a condom? Have you been tested? Good points by @janbb.

I would find it sleazy but it’s good that you admit it and put it on the table.

Would it bother me? Yes, probably. That’s just me. Not a prude or a square by any means but I would find it sleazy.

Coloma's avatar

If you have no plans of ever returning to that behavior then I see no reason to feel the need to disclose it to a new partner. Also, as others have mentioned, make sure you are tested for STDs that would be something important to disclose to a new partner, that you are STD free and can prove it. Otherwise yeah, it would bother me, but I could understand a young guys explorations in that area. If you were an older man and had frequented prostitutes in recent times it would be a deal breaker for me.

From my perspective it is less about the sex with sex workers but the distaste of objectifying the women as nothing more than an easy lay. It comes down to the old, just because you can do something doesn’t make it right even if the objectified party chooses to sell her sexual favors for money.
I would have a hard time respecting a man that took advantage of another human being as nothing more than a sexual commodity.

si3tech's avatar

@Traveller9 About 10 times isn’t a mistake. You need to be tested for STDs. And decide whether you want a true relationship. Female here. The length of time you’ve been “sober” so to speak, would make a difference to me. We all need/deserve a “fresh start” so good luck finding the right lady. God Bless.

Dutchess_III's avatar

Just don’t tell her. I guess I don’t know why you’re ashamed of it, though. It’s just sex. Would you be ashamed of the fact that you’d had sex with 10 women for free?

Love_my_doggie's avatar

As a heterosexual woman, my vote is – don’t tell. If you’ve been fully tested for diseases and pose no health risk, let your past stay where it belongs. I’ve never wanted to hear about my husband’s sexual history; I wouldn’t ask, and I don’t need to know. Everybody has a past, including experiences that are best kept private and might be very hurtful to share.

Dutchess_III's avatar

^^^ That’s right.

But I so agree with others…definitely see a doctor.

Aster's avatar

See a doctor and don’t tell . If you do tell due to your conscience hurting you she could end the relationship.
Most of us have done things in the past we regret . Regret can be a sad part of being older. More things to remember.

josie's avatar

I’m a guy but am compelled to comment.

You can call it a mistake when you add a column of numbers and get the wrong answer, or when you step on the accelerator thinking its the the brake.

Saying you made a mistake and hired a hooker, and then repeated the same mistake 10 times makes you look disingenuous and that would be at best.

If I a were a woman, I would write you off.

Dutchess_III's avatar

I think @josie means he’d write you off for being disingenuous (aka bullshitting,) not for your sexual escapades.

And I agree. One time regretted is a mistake. Everything after that is a decision that you have to take responsibility for making.

Darth_Algar's avatar

I’m a guy, but I don’t really see how it’s any different from having 10 past “regular” relationships. Every relationship is quid pro quo in some form. I’ll agree that calling these dalliances “mistakes” is dishonest. But there’s nothing inherently wrong or shameful in what you did.

si3tech's avatar

@Traveller9 IMHO Telling her while it might ease your conscience would likely be a deal breaker. I’m all for cleaning up your act, whatever that takes, but having done that, it’s not necessary to tell the person you choose. A thought: What if it were HER past, would you really want to know? I think probably not.

jca's avatar

Great point by @si3tech. Would you like it if she said she was a hired sex worker in the past? If she justified it by saying “every relationship is quid pro quo” would that make you feel any better?

Dutchess_III's avatar

Those Jellies have some good questions you should be asking yourself.

aschatria's avatar

I don’t see any problem.
Ultimately you will end up slaving for one of us so it is the same deal.
Here you go.

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