General Question

Peddle's avatar

How do I make sure that my son doesn't feel rejected/unloved by his father?

Asked by Peddle (31points) October 11th, 2017

I recently gave birth to a wonderful baby boy on the 28 September 2016 he is my dream, Ill die for him..
When I find out I was pregnant I ran to his father told him and he was exited for 24hrs then he left, I was only 6 weeks, to cut the story short when I gave birth I sue him for maintenance which his paying how ever his never seen his son, doesn’t even know his name, my fear is that my son is growing what am I gonna tell him when he reaches the age of understanding, is my love enough for him not to feel rejected?

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11 Answers

Love_my_doggie's avatar

Congratulations for the birth of your lovely baby. How sad, though, that your son’s father is estranged and shows no interest.

Do you know any of your ex’s close relatives, such as his parents or siblings, or do you and he have any friends in common? You might try contacting someone who knows the two of your and would likely care. Even if your son’s father continues to keep his distance – something that, sadly, you’d be powerless to change – your little boy might have grandparents, aunts/uncles, or other people who’d love him and want him in their lives.

Peddle's avatar

Thank you very much, I know his mother how ever she stays far from us like 5 hours away. My fear is that she might not even know that my son exist.

snowberry's avatar

Start by sending her photos of him to her, and if she’ll allow it, call her once a month or so and let her know how you and her grandson are doing.

If she has a heart at all, she will want to know!

Peddle's avatar

Thanks snowberry, that sounds like a plan.

CWOTUS's avatar

Welcome to Fluther.

It’s a tough place, and all that I know about this kind of thing is by reading a few actual biographies and accounts (none that I can recall right now), and reading or watching popular fiction in movies and television. So anything that I offer is colored by that: “no first-hand knowledge here”.

But there are some things that seem pretty obvious.

You don’t want to “trash” your son’s father by telling the boy what a no-good father he is: that’s half of your son’s genetic makeup! It’s fine for you to have certain feelings about the boy’s father and what a cad he has proven to be, but you have to hold out hope to your son that he has redeeming qualities… which he may never get to see, sadly.

It’s also to be hoped that whatever is keeping the semen donor away for now may only be temporary and that at some time in the future the father may become a daddy. We can always hope. At that point it would not do to have had your son exposed to a litany of the man’s shortcomings and faults, or the well would be poisoned from the day they meet.

It’s understandable that the father is going to face a certain resentment if he postpones an appearance for years or decades, and that will be for him to deal with at that time, but it would be an impossible reconciliation if the boy grows up with a lifetime of “he’s a rat” in his head.

The best thing for you to do when your son is old enough to talk to about these things is just to admit what you do know – as hard as that might be – “he didn’t love me enough”; “he doesn’t know you” and “I don’t know”. Those are all true and non-judgmental, non-inflammatory.

canidmajor's avatar

Congratulations on your baby!
While I hope that his father and his father’s family take an interest in him, the fact is that they might not, at all. I am sorry to say it, but it is something you need to prepare for.
In this thread there is some excellent input, especially the view of Katawagrey, who is a child of a single mother and has never met her father.

They are so many factors at play here that you should be ready for all contingencies.

Good luck with this.

Peddle's avatar

thanks cwotus, I hear you bad mouthing my x is a last thing on my mind and I wouldn’t want my son to have that over his heard I love him to much and will do anything to protect him.

Peddle's avatar

Thanks canidmajor, hard to hear but true.

marinelife's avatar

I would say that you need to have some good, strong male role models in his life: a grandfather or uncle, perhaps?

janbb's avatar

@Peddle What about men on your side of the family? Do you have brothers or a father that could be a male presence in his life? I don’t think you’re going to get far pursuing the baby’s father since he has indicated no feelings and his family may not be interested either.

There will be organizations like Big brothers and Scouts when he is older but for now, I would look for male relatives of yours that are stable and loving.

Also, remember there are many men who have been raised by their Moms alone and are wonderful, loving men. The main thing is for you to get a good support structure in place whether it’s with women or men that can help and nourish you both. If you are not a member of a church or other communal organization you might consider joining one for the community you will gain.

And one caution, do be very careful with any boyfriends you may have in the future. You don’t want to introduce them too soon into your child’s life and then have him been hurt if you break up. That may be inevitable at times but try to keep it to a minimum.

Sunshinegirl11's avatar

Hello! Congratulations on your baby boy! That’s so great!

I don’t have an answer for you, but I can give you insight through my perspective.

My father left me when I was 14. I was completely heart broken, my sister is still recovering from self esteem issues. It was really hard. There are still times when I see kids with their dads and I get insanely jealous.

I like the advice above. Do not bash your baby’s dad in front of him. My mom, though she means well, did this a lot. It would often make me cry and feel terrible. So please, don’t bash your sons father in front of him.

Let him know that you love him, and all he needs is you. I never once doubted my moms love for me and it has helped ease the pain SO MUCH. Encourage him to grow and be his own person too. Be active in his life, which I’m sure you will be.

I like the idea of good strong male figures, such as a grandpa. My moms father left her as well, but her grandpa stepped in and took his place. She considers him her dad.

My best friend had a baby as a teen, and her boyfriend left her and the baby. She is very active in her little girls life. Her grandma, uncle, her church friends and I are all super involved in her baby’s life as well. She’s only 3, but not having her dad around hasn’t seemed to bother her yet. I think if you can find a bunch of people who want to see your son succeed, you’ll be on the right track.

I’m sorry I don’t have an answer or great advice, but I hope I helped a bit. I’m sorry that you two are going through this. This is something no one should have to experience. I wish you two the best!

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