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abramsi's avatar

Leaving things in the past?

Asked by abramsi (11points) August 14th, 2008

I have been friends with this girl for the past couple of years, she wrote something in an email about me which wasn’t true. I spoke to her about it but she just didn’t appear to accept my point of view. She said she was angry with me and I was with her for writing it.
I just feel that everything was left up in the air. In order to resolve this conflict I would like to make the first step despite being the innocent party. I am afraid though that by me saying lets leave what was said in the past and move on as friends again would be seen by her as me being guilty. The reason why I want to make the first step is that I don’t think she will. It’s awful we have been friends for a couple of years.
Do you think that by saying lets move on, leave what has been said in the past and start again as friends is the right thing to do ? Despite what was said I am prepared to do this but I don’t know whether she will agree.

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10 Answers

cheebdragon's avatar

what did she say about you and how heated did the argument get?

ideabrian's avatar

Edward De Bono has a concept of Logic Bubbles – the spheres of our intelligence and experience that cause us to reason the way we each reason. It’s how two people can come up with different conclusions to a given situation.

If you acknowledge that your logic bubble and her logic bubble have enabled you to each reach different conclusions, it means neither has to be wrong. Imagine designers asked to create a logo given a certain set of goals for the company – 10 designers will have 10 designs (logic bubbles at work)

So, just let her have her thoughts, you take yours, and move forward. Realizing this will allow you to have many more experiences (none of which have to necessarily be wrong.)

If you teach your friend this, you might be able to both get something from it.

Another technique for disputes is using this formula: What we agree on? What we disagree on? and What’s irrelevant?

List all the parts. Then look at those you disagree on and try to come up with a creative understanding. You’ll realize the differences aren’t that important and there might actually be some irrelevant items that are causing the consternation.

wildflower's avatar

As long as you’re still concerned with placing blame, you won’t be able to leave things in the past!

Why not approach it with what’s done is done, tell your friend that the 2+ years of friendship mean more to you than this one misunderstanding/disagreement and suggest that you both acknowledge that no harm intended and no hard feelings harbored and move on with your friendship.

Most likely that will leave you in a strange place where it seems like you have nothing more to talk about, but if you want to break out of that, suggest you do something together. This will give you a chance to reconnect over something new, give you a new shared memory and a good place to move forward from.

abramsi's avatar

No, I just want this quarrel to end, I think it affects me more in my own mind as I am more sensitive. The argument didn’t get very heated, like it never got to the point where I don’t think I would talk to her again, we both expressed our points of view. I am not even looking for an apology from her, as I feel this would just carry the whole thing on. As I say I would like to make that first step by telling her lets drop it, leave it in the past and carry on as friends again.

sparkky's avatar

Read the book titled difficult conversations. Time will heal. Right now it sounds like you are too wrapped up in what happened. Hangbout with some friends, go on a day trip out of town, bike ride, exercise and you’ll get some perspective. With some distance it may not bother you so much. In a few months, it could be just a blip ok your radar screen.

Bri_L's avatar

@ abramsi I struggle with that every day of my life. How to leave things in the past. It is so incredibly hard for me. I wish I could help. I guess I chimed in to thank others for their input and wish you luck.

charliecompany34's avatar

ok here’s the thing: you’re dealing with a girl who may or may not like you, but the behavior she’s demonstrating is already hard to deal with in the first place. relationships can fail due to lack of communication. you can make an attempt to talk about it, but if she doesn’t respond, oh well, you did what you could do. now the ball is her court. it’s the waiting game that’s frustrating for you—believe me i understand. now she must mature to communicating yay or nay to you. then is where you decide to leave it behind or not.

ninjaxmarc's avatar

kiss and make up. Sexual tension maybe?

cheebdragon's avatar

Why do you want to be friends with a girl who was talking shit about you?

marinelife's avatar

What is holding you back from making this gesture? Since you are at odds now, it seems to me you have nothing to lose. If she agrees, your friendship can move on stronger. If she does not agree to leave it in the past, perhaps you should rethink wanting to remain friends with her.

Good luck.

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