My friend didn’t invite me to her Sweet 16. Should I be Mad?

The only way to find out the truth is to ask her why she didn’t invite you and see how you feel about her answer.

Rolling your eyes and ignoring her is kind of childish. Call her and ask her. Don’t wait until you are around a group of people as that could be awkward. As it is, you’ve waited a long time to bring it up and although you are bothered by not being invited, she probably has forgotten all about it so don’t be surprised if her reaction is to blow it off.

Consider these facts, which you have introduced in your narrative:

- Rachel has a boyfriend.
– She goes to a different school than you.
– You have some friends in common, but she’s trying to fit in with a new group in her new school.
– It was “an acquaintance” of yours who posted to Facebook, which alerted you to the fact that this was a party for Rachel.
– Rachel’s birthday was in October – which you apparently knew – but you did not mention having acknowledged that to her with good wishes, a token gift or card, or any other celebration of the fact. (Not that those things did not occur, but they’re not part of your narrative.)
– “Most of your friends” went to the party, you said, but you did not say how many of your friends that was, whether they were mixed boys and girls, or how many they were in number – nor how they got their invitations, or really much at all about the nature of the friendships.

Given these facts, slim as they are, several things occur to me:
If Rachel is aware that you know her birthdate, but hadn’t heard any acknowledgment of that from you, then she may feel like the aggrieved party: “Well, if he didn’t even tell me Happy Birthday, then the hell with him!”

Also, knowing how boys of your age can be sometimes around girls, whether friends or not – because I was a boy once, and my memory isn’t completely shot – consider your conduct when you were last around her. Any teasing comments or “hey, it’s just a joke” incidents? Any comments that might have been taken incorrectly, misheard or simply misunderstood? Is it possible that you were ignoring her for some reason, as boys do sometimes when other boys are around, and they don’t want to appear to be under a girl’s thumb, or any combinatin of the above, and she took offense to any of that – whether you recognize it or care to admit it or not?

You don’t mention when the last time was that you and Rachel interacted, but if it’s already been more than a month, perhaps she thinks that the friendship has cooled – on your part, if not on hers – and she’s just moving on. On the other hand, she may be concerned that you’re trying to be “more than friends” with her, and she’s deliberately attempting to cool that, especially if she has a boyfriend. Those two things together can be deadly to a boy-girl friendship.

Rachel’s parents may have forbidden her from inviting you for various reasons of their own. She may not want to mention it to you out of a fear of making things worse. Your own parents could have intercepted and hidden an invitation, for reasons of their own. Parents still do these kinds of things, it seems.

Finally, and most simply of all, the invitation may have been extended – however that might have been, whether sent through the mail or via an informal system of friends notifying other friends – and it just got lost. Mail does get lost. I get mail at my house very frequently that should have been sent to other addresses. Sometimes, if it’s my own neighbor’s mail, I simply walk over and give it to him. Other times I put it back in the box for the carrier to pick up and correct himself – and who knows what happens to it then? I also get mail with other people’s name on it, but this address, even though they could not have lived here in over fifteen years. One of my neighbors brought mail to me a few months ago – a wedding invitation, in fact – from a young friend of mine who simply got my address incorrect. This stuff is very common.

The adult thing to do would be to say the most obvious fact, as plain as you can – and trying to keep emotion and all of the considerations you have out of the presentation – “I never got an invitation.” Just that. That’s the only fact that you know for certain right now.

I suppose it is understandable that your feelings are hurt. But I wouldn’t waste the energy getting mad about it. I would forget it.

And I probably would not get caught up in the drama about who your real friends are and stuff like that. You will always have friends at different levels of value to you, and you to them.

It’s the way it works.

Regarding the above, did you send her a birthday card or otherwise extend birthday greeting last October? Assuming you knew it was your friend Rachel’s 16th birthday.

If you really want to find out, ask here, one on one not at a group event. You might do it this way, “Hey, did I unknowingly offend you? I noticed that you had a Sweet 16 party and did not invite me.” Just make sure that you are prepared to hear her answer whatever it may be before you ask. If it was me, I would want to know the truth, even if it was hurtful.

Don’t make it so complicated. Ask her why she didn’t invite you for her birthday and decide what you want to do in the upcoming event based on that. There might be genuine reason too why she didn’t invite you or you’re not at the same level which you feel yourself to be. You’ll have to find it out by asking her only.

Wow! This was hard to follow. At first, when I saw your name (Ryan) I assumed that you were a boy, but when I read the details of the question with all of the players and the time line, I guessed that you must be a girl. These are usually the types of situations that get girls all worked up.

Now, I think I’m getting a slightly different picture. It sounds like you know this Rachel girl as more of just an acquaintance, rather than as a good/close friend. She also goes to another school, and has a boyfriend. I’m getting a clue that you might be interested in Rachel as more than just a “friend.” Am I right about that? She probably doesn’t see you as anything more than just an acquaintance. She has a boyfriend. She has other friends at her school that are probably closer to her. You are a guy (correct?) and most girls of this age have lots of female friends, but not too many guy friends, other than a boyfriend.

Because of the other copious details that you gave, it sounds like you don’t know her very well, and now that it’s December, it sounds like you haven’t even spoken to her since at least October, before her birthday. If you were closer friends with her, it seems like you would have spoken to her, in some capacity, long before now.

I guess if you really want to find out what’s going on, you should just ask her directly. You may not like the answer she gives you, and there is also the possibility that she will be very vague on purpose, so as not to hurt your feelings.

You must have some idea of what is going on. What would be your guess?

What’s a sweet 16?

“How was your sweet 16?” the next time you talk to her. She could have simply forgotten to invite you.

^^ Better yet, hand her a nice B-day card, smile sincerely, and say, “Sorry I missed your sweet sixteen”

@nomorey_A. Sweet 16 is the 16th birthday party for a person, usually a girl, thus the name “sweet”.

@Chyna. Uh, oh yeah. I knew that. Cough….