General Question

janbb's avatar

Do you ever give your adult children parenting advice?

Asked by janbb (52634points) January 8th, 2018

I realize this is a very delicate area and tend to not do it but there are times when am biting my tongue. If you do ever, how is it received? Do you give it to your child and spouse or just to your child? Does it make a difference if you have a son or a daughter, i.e, are you more comfortable giving advice to a daughter than a daughter-in-law?

Your thoughts? My main philosophy has been to not give advice unless I really see something damaging to the child but there are little bits of wisdom I would love to pass on.

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5 Answers

rojo's avatar

When they ask.

Sometimes I will make “observations” in general but nothing specific unless they ask and never in front of the grandchildren.

YARNLADY's avatar

I’m pretty much raising my two grandsons. They live at my house during the week while we homeschool, and go home on the days their Dad has off.

I do disagree with some of their methods, such as punishment by sending them to bed.

I also do not allow them to use swear words on my home. They fully understand that there are different rules for different places.

funkdaddy's avatar

A couple of thoughts from the other side (I have young kids, and my parents are around):

I’ve really appreciated some of the well-timed advice I’ve gotten from my folks. And there’s been some advice from friend’s parents that maybe wasn’t well thought out.

I think the main differences are intent and their familiarity with our family, especially the kids. My parents have enough respect from me, and have spent enough time around my house and children, that their advice can be really insightful. There’s some things my wife and I are just too close to the situation to see, or have become accustomed to that aren’t really the best way to go about things.

Thinking it through, I think general advice about things like teaching or juggling multiple priorities are pretty safe. My dad’s advice about making sure I take time to treasure my kids when they’re small and to take pictures not only for myself, but for them later, are things I appreciate the nudge from a more knowledgeable source on. My mom’s memories about teaching my brother and I to read are gentle pointers in how we can make sure we’re taking the time.

More specific advice, especially in the moment, isn’t going to be as successful I think. Discipline is especially tough because it’s all woven together with behavior in general, consistency, and just the feeling that bad behavior witnessed brings judgement.

But watching how “grandma” interacts with the kids, or stories about how they dealt with us growing up are plenty welcome. We’re just doing the best we can, and they’ve already been through it.

johnpowell's avatar

In September my sister bought a new house with room for me and my mom to move in. So that was the plan. One big happy family.

Then I felt unease. My concern is that my sister is stubborn and my mom can’t shut the fuck up. My sister has 17 year old twin girls. My mom loves to parent other peoples kids.

So I had actually found a person to take over my lease and the management company approved them. I was about 1 hour away from losing my apartment. But I called in time and could not do it since I knew that my mom and my sister simply can not live together.

So the plan was for them to give it a go for a month. If that worked I would move up.

My mom lasted three days. I was getting a ton of calls and emails about drama from both sides and the stories didn’t match. (I tend to believe my sister).

And it was stupid shit like my mom saying that the twins didn’t have enough for lunch or they should be wearing thicker coats. This shit pissed everyone off. They are 17 years old and drive to school and buy lunch at Burger King. It isn’t 1950.

But yeah… I consider advising anyone how to raise their kid a pretty big insult. If they are that bad call CPS.

seawulf575's avatar

I have given adult children my insights on parenting. I don’t do it in a “you are doing that wrong” way, but in a way that will convey my philosophy of parenting. They have every right to make the mistakes all parents make and they have to live with their decisions. I also have the right to not support their decisions when they are wrong.

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