General Question

dopeguru's avatar

Would you go to your date's apartment if you don't want to sleep with him/her yet?

Asked by dopeguru (1388points) January 17th, 2018

I just watched The View and the ladies were saying if you don’t want to have sex, you shouldn’t be going to his apartment in the first place. Sex is always assumed if you go to someone’s apartment. If you don’t want to have sex, just end the date before going.

I have problems with this statement… I don’t think apartments equal sex. I’m confused though, since I’m a very introverted person, I don’t have much social intelligence. What do you think?

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23 Answers

dabbler's avatar

I think it’s useful to be clear up front about what you expect/want if you go to someone’s apartment on a date. Make no assumptions.

KNOWITALL's avatar

Go with friends, make it a double date, much safer. You dont want to put yourself in a vulnerable position.

cookieman's avatar

I wish that were not true. I wish you could just assume coffee and a snack and some chit chat, but I think most people expect that “come upstairs” or “have a nightcap” is code for “let’s have sex”. Heck, every romcom movie ever presents it that way.

chyna's avatar

If you don’t know your date well then I wouldn’t risk it.

LuckyGuy's avatar

The chances of having sex in the date’s apartment are zero if you don’t go. They are much higher if you do.
If you don’t want or anticipate sex but want to see the apartment make sure to go with someone else.
Also make your intentions clear up front. Don’t invite a new person over “for a drink” if you just want them to leave a few minutes after.

kritiper's avatar

If she felt comfortable in asking, yes.

Unofficial_Member's avatar

Yes. Two things might happen:
1. You might ended up changing my mind about not having sex with him after discovering how sweet he really is inside his apartment (that he worth it), or after you were amazed that he can really set the right romantic mood for it, such thing can happen spontaneously, with mutual-consent, of course.

2. Dating the wrong guy will make you ended up raped. That only happens when you chose the wrong person. Most intelligent good gentlemen know that raping equal to jail time and it’s obviously not worth the trouble to do so (they’ll probably just hire a prostitute at most).

KNOWITALL's avatar

@Unofficial_Member “Most intelligent good gentlemen know that raping equal to jail time and it’s obviously not worth the trouble to do so (they’ll probably just hire a prostitute at most).”

What?! No, they do not go to prostitutes, they commit the crime and often get away with it because the victim blames herself for not ‘being smarter’ or not ‘dressing more conservatively’ or for being ‘too drunk’.

Millions of women in the United States have experienced rape.
As of 1998, an estimated 17.7 million American women had been victims of attempted or completed rape.5

marinelife's avatar

It sends a message that you are open to sex.

CWOTUS's avatar

I think that the problem you have here, @dopeguru, is that you tend to take people’s words literally. (I do this, too, so I often have the same problem – but on the other hand I’m also much older and have a lot more experience, and I grew up in this language and culture, so I understand that language is not always to be taken as literally as it might appear. But I still miss the hidden meanings sometimes, even so.)

The problem that you face is that you can’t really tell without knowing the person, knowing his intent and his own familiarity with language and idiom, custom and culture, to know with any certainty whether “Come up to my apartment for a drink” means exactly and only that or… “Come up to my apartment and let’s screw our brains out.” And if you can’t pick up the subtle clues to his intent in the social (public) interaction between the two of you, then you’re at a double disadvantage.

For example, and to use another current idiom, how about “Come on over and let’s Netflix and chill.” The first time I heard it (not directed at me – I wish!) I thought it meant to watch movies on Neflix (literally) and “to relax” as the idiomatic use of “chill” means. But that’s not it at all, or at least, that’s not how it usually relates these days in a boy-girl and I’ve-got-the-place-all-to-myself context. In that case, it generally means the same as “Come on up for a drink.”

If you don’t know (or trust) the one making the invitation, and if you have the least doubt about what the invitation means behind the actual words used, then it’s probably best to decline the invitation. And if Bill Cosby asks you to “come up for a drink” then it’s probably best to both decline and run.

The panel members you mention know this from experience and knowledge of the culture, which is why they make the inference they do: that invitation is a precursor to sex. It’s not inevitable, and it’s not mandatory, and rape is never excused – ever – but there’s a general understanding that sexual intimacy will be on the agenda, and if that woman accepts that invitation but then doesn’t clearly say – and maybe repeatedly, and with no ambiguity, “No, I don’t want this,” then an aggressive man will generally continue doing whatever it is that he’s doing. “Because she never said ‘no’.”

(I presume that this is in regard to the ongoing Aziz Ansari issue, which I have barely heard about, but seems to be “the talk” these days in this regard. I don’t know the details of that story beyond the invitation to “come on up for a drink” and a later accusation of sexual assault, apparently based on just this kind of misunderstanding – or rape – as the case may be.)

Zaku's avatar

No, it’s the fucking TV dating trope!

There might be a sliver of something worth considering for women dealing with confused and/or dangerous men (which the fucking TV dating trope reinforces), so sadly there is a reasonable fear of or caution about rape by men a woman doesn’t know well enough to trust, even though that is several levels more outrageously atrocious than the TV dating trope.

Non-ridiculous people can and do visit apartments without the intention or expectation of sex.

Aster's avatar

I was stupid but even then not that stupid. No; I would not. And I didn’t appreciate one idiot taking it for granted that because he got a hotel room and was his date that I’d be “up there in a minute.” Are you kidding me? Oh, I forgot . He was a “handsome, freshman pre-med student.” Oh? So that makes a difference? What a dope.

RedDeerGuy1's avatar

I went to a friend’s dorm room. We just played chess twice. I creamed her 2–0 . Had I remembered to brush my teeth i would have totaly kissed her and more. I regret not letting her win. D’oh. She’s married now.

Unofficial_Member's avatar

@KNOWITALL Ah yes. That is a good point, however, we must also acknowledge that the law is there to protect women and to discourage intelligent men to commit sexual assault. Even in the case a woman happened to be the victim the law will still compensate her for her trouble in a way. In general, if you choose the wrong person you’ll ended up getting raped anyway.

KNOWITALL's avatar

@Unofficial_Member Apparently you have not been in that position, as there is NO compensation for being raped. The law doesn’t protect you from the experience nor does it compensate your lack of trust for other men, or for your mental & physical health afterwards.

“In general, if you choose the wrong person you’ll ended up getting raped anyway.”
Not always. If you don’t put yourself in that position, which is what this question is about. If you go clubbing, go in a group and don’t wander off, keep an eye on eachother, there’s all kinds of tips to avoid being in that position from people with experience.

Unofficial_Member's avatar

@KNOWITALL Even if you have that experience that doesn’t mean you can speak for all who have ended up in that position and to discredit the effort of law enforcement and government to protect people from being raped.

I don’t know where you live but here if you got raped and ended up pregnant the judge will make the perpetrator to pay for his crime and to support you and your child (if you decided to keep it). Even if you’re not pregnant the perpetrator will still have to pay you for the trouble (on top of having jail time). Yes, the law does not compensate you directly but it can force those who have wronged you to compensate you.

”...if you go clubbing, go in a group and don’t wander off, ...”
Not entirely true. I have put myself in that position and still ended up well and happy. It’s not right to judge that people who participated in such things are more likely to get themselves raped. If you’re more selective and hang around the right person in the first place you’ll be less likely to have trust issue and less likely to get raped.

Dutchess_III's avatar

I don’t think it’s assumed, but the guy is always hoping to get lucky, and may view going to his place as a good sign, especially on a first date.
It was almost always several months of dating a guy monogamously before we actually had sex. Are they suggesting that I should have never, ever gone to his place to hang out until then?

dabbler's avatar

You know what I think is fairly assumed is that a visit to the apartment creates the potential for sex, not so much that it implies it is gonna happen.
I also think that it’s fair to assume that, when a visit to one of the daters’ apartments comes up, a thought about the potential for sex was among the first on both sides of the question, ...whether it gets discussed at all, and whether it seems a good idea is another story.for each dater.

I vote for extensive disclosure about expectations in relationships that can affect you to the bone.
Friendship can be like that, sex relationships should probably affect you, and there’s family with it’s inherent power inequalities making disclosure tough at times for some parties.

Dutchess_III's avatar

I dated a guy in college for two years. The first time I went to his apartment, after our 3rd date, he put on Gino Vannelli. Sadly, it didn’t cause me to just jump into bed, all out of control! Of course, after we DID have sex the first time, a few months later, he never played Gino Vannelli again. Mostly he played Golden Earring.
After we broke up I went on a date with a friend of my ex and mine, and felt I knew him well enough that it was safe enough to go hang out in his apartment. And HE put on Barry White!
Did they really think it would affect me in some way that, say, Pink Flloyd or Golden Earring wouldn’t?
They were always hopin’ and prayin’!

kritiper's avatar

Seriously, if I didn’t go to my date’s place for sex, I’d go there to see what-all she had to eat. Next question!

Dutchess_III's avatar

I would go out of curiosity to see what his decor said about him.

kruger_d's avatar

Yeah, that’s a terrible message. It is yet another version of blaming the victim. One can refuse intimacy anywhere, with anyone, at any point in the relationship, and without needing to apologize or explain.

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