General Question

redsgirl4eva's avatar

Why is it that a partner in a relationship bring up your past thet you are trying to forget?

Asked by redsgirl4eva (262points) August 15th, 2008

Me and my boy friend can be just talking and he will bring up something I have done in the past to him or to someone else and the person have forgiven me. Also he wiil accuse me of something that I have done in the past but have not done it in a while. I was just wondering why this happens and how can I resolve it?

Observing members: 0 Composing members: 0

7 Answers

Bri_L's avatar

It happens to me also. My technique is to ask with concern if I have been doing it again. Show relief when they say no, and take that opportunity to restate how seriously I am taking that issue, how hard I am trying and how much it bothers me when it is brought up because of that.

That way it keeps things calm, and you give them a chance to discover a. I am accusing them of something they didn’t do, b. dredging up the past, c. they are doing a good job and d. it hurts them all with out raising voices.

I hope that helps.

marinelife's avatar

This is a bad habit in relationship communication that your partner needs to break.

Suggest in a calm moment when you are not arguing that you both agree to let the past stay in the past. Point out that there is nothing that can be done about it now.

Ask also that when the two of you are disagreeing that the past is off limits.

Durng a disagreement if he brings up the past, use the phrase, “That is over. We are talking about topic X right now. Let’s not generalize, and let’s not throw the past into each other’s faces.”

Bri_L's avatar

I agree with what Marina said as well.

My advice was more for less heated moments and for after you have established that he is working on getting better.

gailcalled's avatar

Marina; on target as usual.

You have to set a statute of limitations after which the subject is taboo. You leave the room w/o saying anything after that.

tinyfaery's avatar

It could be that the issue has not yet been resolved. Maybe he keeps bringing it up, because he is still being affected by it. Talk about it.

Bri_L's avatar

I would like to propose though that if the mood is non-confrontational and/or if you can generally discuss things, there may be no need to be really aggressive right away. Have we established that he knows he is doing this?

ccatron's avatar

some people will point out the mistakes of others in order to make themselves feel better. that person might have done something that they feel guilty about or someone has called them out on. it’s an issue of self esteem.

Answer this question




to answer.

This question is in the General Section. Responses must be helpful and on-topic.

Your answer will be saved while you login or join.

Have a question? Ask Fluther!

What do you know more about?
Knowledge Networking @ Fluther