Is it bad that I would like to talk to my boyfriend every night?

Honestly I feel so worthless right now. I really hate myself and I wish i knew how to stop being so clingy but I don’t have any friends at my school and he’s the only person I talk to that I like talking to. And now he might be gone and I have no one and he was all I ever wanted.

I don’t want to hear “Oh your 17 you’ll find someone else“because I truly won’t. I actually physically love him and don’t ask me how, but I know it is real.

I always ruin everything. I mess everything up and make people dislike me one way or another.

All of us have been there, and usually regret it. No one really wants to be someones entire world, just a part of it. Sounds to me like you’re holding on too tight, guys need space. Even sex doesn’t hold them if you’re too needy, it’s unattractive. Be strong, sexy and find a hobby or something, if you apologize and stop you may be able to salvage it. Good luck!

I’m not holding on too tight. It is a long distance relationship and it isn’t too much to ask.

Go ahead and feel upset, cry, be sad. This is tough for you, but you are not worthless, not at all.

One of the difficult things about relationships, one of the things we hope to learn before marriage and long term commitment, is that different people have different levels of engagement in the relationship. We all hope to find someone who wants to communicate at the same level as us. But that does not happen too often. And learning to negotiate that is part of solidifying relationship.

You have NOT ruined this relationship. It takes two people, not one, and when one doesn’t respond, that can ruin a relationship.

Most couples figure out how often to talk or to text and how much.

So cool it for the rest of the night, don’t text or call tonight or tomorrow until the evening. Let him wonder what you are doing. Then if you two have a conversation, have a calm, drama free convo about what he is comfortable with, and what your desires are.

Good Luck @SergeantQueen! We at Fluther love you!

I don’t think that’s going to happen. There is a lot more going on that I don’t want to share but I can’t keep wondering what’s happening

I hate guys.

Alright it’s because he wants to move farther away and I want to be able to see him before he goes but I can’t and I keep trying to talk things out but he always gets so mad and like I am not joining the Air Force so I can be with him and I don’t get why he has to go and move far away and always complain to me about how he has to always come see me but I can’t afford to go to him or anything and i feel if he really loved me he wouldn’t make me feel so bad over it. And there is something else I did too or tried to do that I feel like shit over but it was his idea as a way for me to make money but I couldn’t do it because it bothered me so bad and I don’t get why he would try and get me to do that either.

@Sargeant That sounds creepy, like stripping or something? It sounds like a bad scene to me. How old is he?

A few months older.

@Sargent If it’s his choice to move further away, that’s your answer. No one should ask you to do anything that makes you uncomfortable, not if they love you gf.

No. Weird, maybe. I used to do it with a girl I knew…

How is it weird?

Never feel bad for what you love. Some people actually like clingy people. People who like to be cheered on and to feel needed. I talk to family every day mutilple times a day and im ok with that.

he said he did…I guess untill he was actually with a “clingy” person. Talking for a bit everynight isn’t weird

Also my friend sits on voice calls for 36 hrs. I am not being obsessive,clingy, need or weird.

@SergeantQueen “How is it weird?” Expecting the poor guy to have something to say EVERY DAMN DAY…

That’s not what I am expecting and it still isn’t weird.

@SergeantQueen IYO.

Dude he used to text me way more than once a night. It isn’t weird.

@SergeantQueen (same response)

Please stop.

“I hate guys.” No you don’t, this guy is not right but there will be others. You’re smart for a 17 year old but if I had a dollar for every girl “I thought I loved ” working for a living would not be an issue. Trust me kiddo, move on. There is literally an army of guys waiting for a girl like you.

Listen sister, if you gave it up he may just be done. It’s not uncommon. Maybe he wants to keep you as a backburner piece, who knows. Usually when people say things like you mentioned, it’s not a romantic loving relationship.

It sounds like you just found out (very painfully) that this particular guy is not a good match for you, no matter how desperately you want him to be “the one” or the “perfect guy”.

He’s just a guy, who you had a temporary, imperfect, relationship with.

I’ll yell you now, that introducing “long distance” into a relationship, makes even the most stable relationships strain at the stress. They aren’t like regular relationships where you potentially could see the person, in the flesh every day.

They are, by definition, a hyper-sensitive version of a normal relationship, because the natural timing, and progression are not there. Things tend to be forced, scheduled, and often desperate.

Relationships are never 100% equal, no matter how much we may want them to be, or how matter how much we desperately try to declare that they are.

One person almost without fail, is more invested in the relationship than the other. Add in long distance, and there is built in temptation and distractions for both people, but sometimes only for the person who is least invested in the relationship.

Long distance also makes for situations, that under more traditional set ups might play out more naturally, have a heightened sense of doing things “right” or “by the book” or on an exact “timetable”. That can be very stressful, or even annoying, or feelings of being “forced” tonthe less invested person, leading to withdrawal. Then the more invested person feels lonely, possibly betrayed, or even rejected. Not a good situation for either person, because it usually just gets worse.

Add in extreme youth, and lack of experience (with romance, long distance relationships, and breaking up, or being broken up with) and we find ourselves in today’s predicament, for which I am truly sorry, because I have been there, and it’s like a giant shit hole.

It’s not fair, and it’s not pleasant, but no one ever said it would be. Except for evey Disney and anime story, which hopefully you know, is not how real life romance is. Real life romance is difficult, often ugly, often painful, and sometimes just plain stupid and effed up.

Even if you love this guy with all your heart, and I believe you do, and even if this guy said he loved you, because he probably did, does not mean that this person is a good match for YOU.

If I were you, I would chalk this up to a very painful lesson on what kind of a life and relationship you don’t want. Then focus on figuring out what is healthy, and kind, and useful, and nurturing for you current self, and your future (strong, healthy) self.

I know you’ve got other issues going on. Find a good, mature adult friend (and probably a doctor and a good therapist) to help guide you through to the next phase of your life.

I know you guys told me not to text him anymore, but I kinda had to. I didn’t yell or get mad.
I just need to get it off my chest, because knowing me I will never stop wondering what I could have maybe done to make things better but I realize that there is nothing I can do so I needed to just say something before I forget that I can’t do anything. I just said:

“I’m sorry for getting mad at you and calling you a few names. I need more communication then you are able/willing to provide so if I pushed you away, I understand. I’m not going to change what I need in order to be happy in a relationship so if it’s too much for you, then we don’t have to do this anymore. I love you and I’m sure I always will but I’m not sure I can continue this relationship even if you did forgive me. You aren’t new to relationships and I still am so clearly we have conflicting ideas on what should happen and such”

(I sorta paraphrased here, just took out personal stuff and babbles)
There was an incident where I got pissed off and said something which led to this. So it’s probably why he said what he said.

To me, it seemed like the right thing to do despite also feeling that I shouldn’t ever text him again until he texts first.

@SergeantQueen That is actually a nice goodbye. Now take care of yourself, because you are worth taking care of.

It will hurt for a while. Don’t let anyone say you should be over it by X date; it may hurt for a week, a month, six months, or longer.

But it will stop hurting, and you can take what you have learned about relationships and what your ground rules for a boyfriend into another relationship.

I think daily/nightly communication would be helpful, in a long distance relationship.

I might get some flak for this, but I’ll say it.

There is one type of person, that both genders should never date.

Girls, should never date a guy in the military. Especially active duty, or deployed.

Guys should never date strippers.

Both have almost always the same outcome, for the same reason.

I know this seems bad too, but at 17, you shouldn’t be thinking about long term relationships. That’s just not realistic. Your brain isn’t even fully developed until you’re 22. That’s 5 years from now. You’ve probably really just started thinking for yourself, and truly starting to understand things. Consider that you may live another 80 years, or more.. . As a thinking, rational person, you were practically just born.

As for the boy. He’s 18, and about to be traveling the world. Only staying at bases where local girls flock to, for easy sex. That may seem pessimistic, but that’s one way to view a young man’s military career…

Long distance relationships, are extremely challenging, with a perfect couple.

I would recommend that you move on SQ. Find a guy who does like to talk to you a lot. I used to like talking to a girl every night. To me, it meant she’s thinking about me. I’m not the only guy who is like that.

Focus on getting out of your parent’s place, and education. If the right guy falls in your lap in the process, great. You’re too good to be fawning over some guy who obviously doesn’t know your value. He sounds like trash. Put him on the curb…

It sounds as if your are burdening the relationship with all your needs. That is not healthy. You need to look at yourself and why you don’t have friends or interests outside of this one guy. I do think that therapy could help you.

I also think that it sounds as if you don’t like yourself very much. Until you love you, it will difficult for anyone else to. Consider reading the book (and doing the exercises) Self Parenting: The Complete Guide to Your Inner Conversations.

What interests do you have? Dancing? Hiking? Reading? Nature? Consider joining a meetup group (online in your area) to meet some other people with the same interests. Consider volunteering your time to focus your attention on others.

Talking to someone every night is OK if it works for both parties in the relationship. Otherwise, it’s not. The two of you need to work out a schedule of communication that works for you both.

What do you talk about every day? Interesting things you did that day? Anything new and exciting? Ongoing developments of something? Hopefully not gossip about other people.
Talking about other people is not interesting to guys. What does he like to talk about? Does he feel the need to update you every day?

Okay, first thing…stop beating yourself up. Admit you are a good person. Next recognize that this may not be “the one”. Yeah, it hurts and it is tough, but it is also true. Think about it this way…if this guy was “the one”, how would he act towards you? What would your ideal be? Once you’ve identified that, then ask…is he acting that way towards me? If the answer is no, he isn’t the one. You are who you are. If you start trying to change who you are for someone else, you will end up being miserable. So what you have to do is find that someone that actually likes who you are, as you are. My wife and I both wrote down what we were looking for when we were single. We found what we were looking for. We did look at it two different ways…she wrote down everything she wanted and didn’t want in a guy. I wrote down three aspects a woman had to have for me to get serious with her. I filled out most of her desires and she absolutely met all mine.

besides, you are only 17, you’ll find someone else ;-)

I wonder what his friends say to him about this…

His friends don’t know about me.

That may be a red flag that his friends don’t know about you.

That is a red flag..

@SergeantQueen, the fact that his friends don’t know about you is a screeching red siren! Not just a red flag.

Time to shed this relationship. Learn to become the best version of yourself, without “needing” a boyfriend.

You have other issues that need to be addressed before you can be in a decent relationship (this one isn’t) and the stress and distraction this guy is causing you, isn’t helping you move forth.

Yeah, well. He told me all he wanted was sex. So I guess I’m not good for anything else. I knew I should have just waited until I was married. Can’t believe I believed him when he said he never wanted other girls. Excuse my words, but I am a fucking idiot. I was so set on only doing that with someone I truly loved and cared about and wanted to spend the rest of my life with and I threw it all away for a guy I thought felt the same.

We’ve all been manipulated by other people. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. The more I like a girl, the easier it is for her to manipulate me. People take advantage…

Guys ,especially when around your age, will say what they think will get them laid. I know I did. From 15–23, I was under the impression that I was supposed to have sec with as many girls as I could. As girls were extremely manipulative, I didn’t think they had real feelings. Then, I realized that I hurt a girls feelings really bad, and felt pretty shitty. One of the many things that come with age, is learning that when I was younger, I didn’t have things nearly as figured out as I thought I did.

I’m sorry this guy was a jerk. It could have been much worse. Imagine finding out he was a loser when 8 months pregnant, or after marriage. That’s how some girls find out they picked the wrong guy…

None of that is probably very comforting, and I’m sorry about that. Hopefully another jelly will have something profound, and insightful to say…

Keep your chin up SQ. You’re going to do great in this world. You’re just getting started.

Well, it’s all good now. He apologized and I know he is serious. He was just annoyed with me

SMH…...........

I’m smh at you too

Did any of the advice the good jellies above even get through to you?
Please don’t be one of those girls that will put up with anything from a guy just to have a guy. And we all have advised you that the things he is doing to you is not good. The fact that his friends don’t know you or anything about you is not good.

^Advice has been given. You can lead a horse to water…..

@SereantQueen, this guy is manipulating you. He is saying what he needs to say, so that you will go along with what he wants (which is just sex, like a lot of men under the age of 30, and some over that age).

He’s feeding you a line, and you are allowing yourself to feel shitty, because of some fucked up thing(s) he said to you. Never allow anyone to make you feel shitty, unless you are the one who has done something wrong/bad/mean. This dude only wants sex from you. That does not mean that fucking this guy is the only thing you are worth. That is illogical thinking.

And waiting until marriage for you to have sex is probably not the right answer either. You could just as easily end up with a louse like this jerk for a husband (even if you wait until your wedding night to have sex) if you don’t learn a lesson from this failed relationship.

Lessons to learn are: don’t believe everthing a guy or potential boyfriend says. Ask lots of questions, be very up front with what you want and need in a relationship. Don’t put up with bullshit. Be skeptical. Be your own advocate. Don’t go along with what a guy says just to make him happy. Do what is right fir you. Don’t put up with bullshit lines, or bullshit fake “apologies.” Don’t believe any guy’s attempts to make you sound unloveable, inadequate, or worthless. Good guys don’t do that kind of shit. Learn to really get to know people. Don’t put up with bullshit (even your own bullshit attempts to justify simeone else’s bullshit behavior and false bullshit lines). Learn to spot bullshit from a mile away. Learn to treat bullshit for what it is, and call it out, walk away from it, and don’t let it make you believe it. Smell it, see it, flush it.

SQs smart. She’ll be ok.