Social Question

AshlynM's avatar

If your mom or mother in law asked you to wear her wedding dress, would you feel obligated?

Asked by AshlynM (10290points) March 6th, 2018

Or would you tell them you wouldn’t be wearing it?

Observing members: 0 Composing members: 0

24 Answers

chyna's avatar

What a bad spot for someone to put a bride in. It should be the brides happiest moments, picking a dress, veil, shoes, etc. But asking the bride to wear your dress just puts stress on the bride. I would say that I won’t be wearing it, that I want to pick my own dress to start out my journey with my new husband, but thank you very much.

canidmajor's avatar

^^^ Perfect answer from @chyna.

CWOTUS's avatar

Another way of putting this in perspective – to the one making the request – would be to ask, “Was it your mother’s dress?”

It probably wasn’t, was it? (Although you might need to prepare yourself in case it was, and this actually is a long-standing family tradition, even if you’re only finding out about it at the last minute.)

But if it wasn’t also a grandmother’s dress, then why should you be expected to start a brand new tradition for the sake of your mother or prospective mother-in-law?

KNOWITALL's avatar

Eeks, hard one. Can you say it doesn’t really fit your modern theme? If it was just an offer, like to help save money or to express affection, she probably wouldnt mind a polite no thanks. Be careful though, MIL’s can be a blessing or curse lol.

janbb's avatar

@chyna nailed it.

CWOTUS's avatar

Not to be finding fault here, but… @chyna may have nailed the tone of a response for American and other Western daughters or prospective daughters-in-law, who might feel perfectly free to refuse a request directly – and to get away with that and still preserve family harmony – I doubt that anyone in @AshlynM‘s circle would even consider such a direct refusal.

canidmajor's avatar

What do you know about @AshlynM‘s “direct circle” that we don’t, @CWOTUS? Honest question, you may have had a lot more communication with her than we have.

Zaku's avatar

(I’d play the gender card to get out of it. Besides, I’m so much taller and not the body shape at all.)

canidmajor's avatar

We also don’t know if this situation pertains to @AshlynM herself.

BellaB's avatar

Would I feel obligated? unlikely.

I wouldn’t really want to talk to either of them about my wedding plans very specifically. That’s for me and my partner to discuss and plan.

YARNLADY's avatar

My mother didn’t even have a wedding or dress, married by a justice of the peace, as was I. I can’t understand why a woman wouldn’t be proud to wear her mothers dress IF she was asked.

canidmajor's avatar

@YARNLADY I think that would depend entirely on her relationship with her mother. It is never a given that’s it’s a good one.

SergeantQueen's avatar

Maybe @CWOTUS just meant that certain families who maybe aren’t American or don’t follow American traditions (I’m not implying any of this applies to @AshleyM I don’t know her Ancestory.) might take huge offense to someone saying no. It might be very disrespectful to deny such a thing

janbb's avatar

@canidmajor Agree with you and even if the relationship were good, a woman might very well want to choose her own dress and express herself. I think it is important to be gracious about the offer but also honor yourself and choose what is right for you. There is a whole history of mother-daughter dynamics going into this suggestion and if it is made by the prospective mother-in-law there is a whole future of being connected but also potentially setting boundaries to consider.

canidmajor's avatar

@SergeantQueen, we understood what @CWOTUS meant.

@janbb, exactly! Asserting boundaries to start a new life, while maintaining/establishing bonds can be so tricky! Traditionally, the responsibility for this falls on the woman, I am glad to see that changing somewhat in the modern world.

SergeantQueen's avatar

So why you guys getting mad at him? Jeez

AshlynM's avatar

Thanks guys. I am Korean American. This was just a general question I was curious about. I’ve never had it happen to me personally.

canidmajor's avatar

@SergeantQueen, there was no anger even implied, just curiosity. It would behoove you to learn to tell the difference. Jeez yourself.

KNOWITALL's avatar

In America a lot of the traditions are dying out. Hope chests, family wedding rings, having big weddings, even having kids, everything seems to be optional now. Kind of sad, kind of neat. We chose a mix, no big wedding, tool the in laws on our honeymoon trip, I’m the only daughter in law who was offered family jewelry, etc.. Since we dont have kids not sure what to do with my grandmothers two hope chests..lol

chyna's avatar

@sergeantqueen. No one is mad at anyone. It’s called a discussion.

SergeantQueen's avatar

Alright sorry stop @ me

MollyMcGuire's avatar

I wore my mother-in-law’s dress. It was beautiful and I was honored. I had my veil made because I knew exactly what I wanted.

janbb's avatar

@MollyMcGuire Nothing wrong with that if that is what you wanted.

Inspired_2write's avatar

You could compromise.
Where your own at Wedding Ceremony and another at the reception?
It is a complement of the family to offer her dress to you…showing that she approves of you.
But you are not obligated..Do what feels good for your relationships in the future family.

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