General Question

hrairoo's avatar

Have you ever forgiven someone who seriously hurt you?

Asked by hrairoo (49points) 3 months ago

If so, can you please share…

1. What the person did to hurt you.
2. How they convinced you they were sorry.
3. What emotions you felt.
4. Why did you forgive them?

I’m looking for advice for a friend in need. Thank you!

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9 Answers

KNOWITALL's avatar

I forgave my mom for emotional, physical and psychological abuse in my teen years due to drugs and alcohol.
She doesn’t remember most of it, but she aplogized, stopped the drinking and changed her life.
Emotions I felt were rage, deep hurt, embaressment, helplessness, protectiveness and a deep need for control and security.
I forgive her every day still, but in the end she needs me and I love her. She will never exert control over me again as when I was a child, which allows my inner child to relax and allow the love again.

Jeruba's avatar

I can’t. It’s still too personal. But I think you have to separate out number 2. They may never tell or show you they’re sorry, and they may never be sorry. You may have to forgive them anyway—for your sake, not theirs.

For years, I thought, “Why should I forgive someone who doesn’t ask to be forgiven?” It took me 15 years to learn the answer. I had thought forgiveness had something to do with justice and mercy, as both Christian religions and Shakespeare teach us, and had to be earned by repentance. I guess God is seen as an entity that has no need of healing.

It turns out to be one of those many things where if you’re the perpetrator, you pay. If you’re the victim, you pay. That’s because you’re simply one of the people who pay. Some people never pay.

My injury came from someone close to me who never expressed any regret and died without an apology, leaving me to carry it for the rest of my life. I had to choose to put it down. Some of it still clings to me, though, and probably always will.

KNOWITALL's avatar

@Jeruba I’m sorry. Seems like some people are just heartless.

Jeruba's avatar

@KNOWITALL, and some are narcissistic and greedy, and some are so certain of their righteousness that they just have no sense whatever of the destructive effects of their choices.

MrGrimm888's avatar

They’ll just hurt you again….

Love_my_doggie's avatar

Yes – my mother.

She was a vile, mean-spirited person who had no friends, fought with the neighbors, and couldn’t even imagine getting along with people in any workplace. Her long-term abuse of me got so bad, I finally severed the relationship and became estranged for about fifteen years. How many times could I put my hand into a fire until I would grow weary of being burned? I simply couldn’t continue being treated that way.

Seven years ago, Mom was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease. Almost instantly, it was as if she’d had a personality transplant. She became lovely, loving, and loveable, the mother I’d always wished I could have. We adore each other, and I’m completely devoted to her.

This isn’t so unusual with A.D. As parts of the brain deteriorate or become impossible to access, other parts emerge. Sometimes, a likeable person can morph into someone cruel and miserable; other times, however, a person can change for the better.

Even though the estrangement was the only thing I could do, it fractured my soul. As time went by, I felt guilty and tortured every day, thinking about Mom and worrying as she grew elderly alone.

There really aren’t words to describe my gratitude for this gift. During these past seven years, we’ve loved a lifetime’s worth. I’m healed and, despite her grave illness, so is Mom.

KNOWITALL's avatar

@Love Beautiful, thanks for sharing. So glad you got that healing,

AshlynM's avatar

Never had that happen to me, so no.

Pandora's avatar

The stories are many and too long to type them all out. But I usually end up forgiving people. Not because they convince me that they have changed, but rather because I either accept that they will never change and anger only hurts me, or because I wrote them out of my life. Usually when I write the person out of my life, it isn’t because I won’t or can’t forgive them, but rather I find they have no value to my life. I can still forgive someone and move on away from them because a relationship with them would be unhealthy. Forgiving doesn’t mean forgetting and letting that person hurt you again
To me, forgiving means letting go of the anger and accepting that I have control over my feelings and my life.. It means I do not wish them ill. I do not want revenge. Not forgiving them only means pain in my life. Often times we may be angry with someone but they don’t feel the hurt. It does nothing to them really. But it can color your view and change who you are. There is nothing to gain by holding a grudge. Only angry nights.

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