Social Question

TheGirlInterrupted's avatar

Cheating/ betrayal or nothing?

Asked by TheGirlInterrupted (105points) 5 days ago

NSFW!! This isn’t something I can talk about with my friends so let me hear your opinions on this so I can just move on from it. My apologies, lots of text!!!
My boyfriend of 11 years used to lead a podcast talk show with his buddy. My boyfriend was the leader of it and took care of all its business and social media. They would often advertise with or for local bars, musicians, products and…. porn stars. Cam Girls to be exact. They did 1 interview with one girl and posted some of her work to their sites and Twitter. The goal was to get the interviews and market for them so that their podcast would be seen and they’d get more listeners. He recently gave me access to their Twitter account where most of the business was conducted (I wasn’t snooping, he wanted me to use their twitter) and I saw how he was interacting with these women. I noticed he received SEVERAL messages from one girl but all his replies were deleted. He had given them his personal phone number, emails, and social media usernames. When they gave him pictures or videos he complimented them by saying “nice ass, so hot, etc.” A few message strands were not related to the podcast. In one message he said he was visiting Florida at the time and asked where exactly she lived and she said that he was actually a very short drive from her but she wasn’t home…… Not a single mention of me, his girlfriend. He also had saved some of the videos these girls made to his personal drop box. The videos and images where sent to his personal email directly from the girl’s emails. Not through an agency. While I don’t care if he looks at porn and I know that’s just what guys do, I wasn’t ok with the fact they were solo girls doing sexual acts to themselves as well as they were girls who he knew and talked to. I have reason to believe that the videos were also made just for him with his requests but he denies this through and through. There were so many girls he was contacting and so many videos and images sent to him and they only used 1 girl, 1 time. The girls were talking to him in a very flirty sexual way and he ate it up. I finally decided to bring it up with him since I realized I was really dwelling on it. He said he was shocked that I was so cool with him “working” with Cam Girls and porn stars and just pushed the limits and went too far. He admitted that it was insensitive and unprofessional and apologized deeply for making me feel like I wasn’t enough for him. He only denied that he used anything for his personal use or that he was trying to flirt with the women. He assured me it was solely for the podcast. I told him that I was so cool with it because I trusted him not to be inappropriate and respect our boundaries as a committed couple. I am a smoking hot young woman and very free in the bedroom (not to toot my own horn) I have always given him a very adventurous sex life. I even let him take pics and videos of me with him for his personal use. Why do guys do this when they have a beautiful sexual woman at their disposal? It’s one thing for him to be home alone and check out some porn but this seems like a line was crossed. I told him to turn the table- if you saw me talking to some guys with enormous dicks and they sent me videos of themselves and I kept them in my drop box and complimented them and gave them my phone number and connected on Facebook how would you feel? He got very upset at the thought of it. I forgive him and I truly believe this will not be a problem in the future but am I right to feel like this was some sort of betrayal? And why do guys do this and think it’s ok but if a woman did it, it would be cheating or not ok???

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14 Answers

janbb's avatar

I would be upset by those patterns if I were you. It certainly feels like a form of emotional cheating. What to do about it is your decision.

elbanditoroso's avatar

Let’s boil it down.

1) you saw something that bothered you about the boyfriend

2) you spoke about it with him in an adult fashion.

3) He responded appropriately and properly and saw that he had made a mistake. And he promised not to repeat it.

I would say that you and he both handled it like adults. Let it go. Don’t dwell on it. He reacted in exactly the way he should have.

KNOWITALL's avatar

I work in major media, and part of the job is to interact and ‘play the part’ like a big shot, playa. Sounds to me like he really was honest and did get a little too caught up in his ‘work’ persona. It happens.

I’d forgive him but keep an eye on it, you don’t need any diseases or anything and if you’re a hot young thing yourself, you deserve 100% of his attention when it comes to physical and emotional contact.

Your only choices are to either get over it and resume the trust or don’t, but if you check up on him and all that, you open Pandora’s Box and could run him off while making yourself miserable.

TheGirlInterrupted's avatar

@knowitall That’s a great point and I totally trusted at the time that’s what he was doing, playing the part. I have no desire to snoop or dig I just really needed someone outside of my own head to tell me it wasn’t cool. He’s a great guy and we will be fine, he just tends to put double standards on us and downplay his mistakes while I’m100% responsible for mine. And this situation just pushed me over the edge. I trust him and I will get over this.

Zaku's avatar

Did you have an actual agreement that covered what was ok and what was not ok? If not, it’s a set-up for disagreements about what’s acceptable or not.

A solution is to talk it through and have explicit-enough agreements so that there aren’t uncovered grey areas.

Condemning someone for violating your interpretation of an unspecific agreement tends not to work out.

In this case, it sounds like he acknowledged and agreed with you that we went a bit over where the line should be – good.

The “tables turned” inequality can be there both because of perspective bias, and because of cultural double-standards.

Sounds like you may just need more constructive communication. If it keeps being an upset, I’d find a good counselor to see together to gain neutral perspective, work it out and improve communication techniques.

(Oh, and paragraph breaks make long posts much easier to read.)

CWOTUS's avatar

While I think you handled your side of this with a dignity and self-respect that I find rare among nearly anyone – men or women – I doubt that this will be the end of it.

I suspect that your boyfriend is not going to get over the availability of the novelty (because it seems that it’s both those things for some guys: novelty plus availability) to put the lie to his promise. I could advise you not to dwell on it, to try to ignore it – as you seem to have been doing for the most part, anyway – and to try to forget about it, but I would fully expect this to come up again… and again (as many times as you care to allow him repeat it around you).

If you have to live with him, then I think you’ll probably have to learn to live with this behavior, too. On the other hand, I’m not seeing anyone now, and I’ve never suffered from this particular addiction…

As to why some guys do it; I wish I could say. All I know is that once some guys get addicted to that novelty and availability, it’s a hard monkey to get off one’s back…so to speak.

KNOWITALL's avatar

@TheGirlInterrupted Well just be aware, that the lines get blurry in our business. Hopefully this will teach him you may be hot but not dumb…lol Good luck!

Kardamom's avatar

Your boyfriend is not fully comitted to you, even though you thought he was (and you had no reason to believe otherwise until you saw the pictures, videos, and communications).

I’m with @janbb in that I view this as emotional cheating, just shy of physical cheating. I’m guessing that he would vehemently deny this. I would be very upset by the actions, and even more upset if he denied that this is a form if cheating.

Also, not all men look at porn on any regular basis. Some do, some don’t. Most adult humans have seen porn, but not everyone (including men) indulge in it in any kind of regular basis. Some people, some men included, find porn to be a ridiculous waste of time, some people think it’s gross, and some people believe that engaging in watching porn on a regular basis (which your boyfriend is) is a form of emotional cheating. The fact that he knows these women, rather than just looking at the bodies of unknown people, is much worse. He’s engaging with them in real life, even if he hasn’t slept with any if them, and it seems like it would be a very easy leap for him to actual emgage in sex with them if the opportunity was presented to him.

You have a lot to think about, and a lot to discuss with your boyfriend.

It doesn’t make any difference on how atteactive you are, or how sexually open and available you are to him, if he feels the urge to cheat. If he thinks it’s OK to do it, he will. If he thinks it’s not OK, he might still do it (but feel guilty, or defensive about it).

You may have ideas about what is OK in your own relationship that are different from mine, and that’s fine and diesn’t affect your relationship. But you need to have shared values and ideas about what a good, monogamous relationship is fir both of you. Hopefully you guys can figure that out, or decide to split up.

Kardamom's avatar

Pardon me for the typos. I don’t text well, when I’m typing quickly on my phone and I can’t see the whole preview at once : (

TheGirlInterrupted's avatar

Thanks everyone! He actually just told me that he was concerned about me never being jealous of anyone and so he started doing things like this to see if I’d get jealous. I’m bothered now for a different reason. lol. He insists he never used those girls for himself and that he was just unprofessional and an amateur at the business. I told him we need to think about what this means and why he feels the need to be like this. We’ll see how it goes.

CWOTUS's avatar

I don’t believe him (based on what you report that he said).

Look, I like “a little bit of game-playing” as much as anyone does; all of life is a series of games all of the time. The games change, the players change, and sometimes the rules change, too – but we’re always playing games. But some games are acceptable, and some aren’t.

The game that he explained that he was playing on you – which is what it was that he was doing – is unacceptable to me. If it’s acceptable to you, then you can keep playing it with him. I would refuse to play the game, and if he continues to try to play it, then I’d refuse to play with him. That’s a game that only he can win – and apparently he can change the rules to suit himself, too.

KNOWITALL's avatar

@Girl. Ugh, intentionally making a hot girl jealous is dumb, so he must be insecure, or lying. I don’t know…seems hinky, I’d be peeved about mind games. Plus remember, his job is a players paradise, could be a cover up. Be careful, either way it’s not a good sign.

Kardamom's avatar

He wasn’t trying to make you jealous, nor did he think it was odd that you weren’t jealous. He’s playing on the fact that you are a nice person.

Of course you weren’t jealous, because you didn’t know what he was up to. Now that you do, and you are concerned about the situation, because he was caught in the act, he’s hoping that praising you for being so kind and non-judgemental will play to his advantage.

This guy is a player, and he’s playing you. He is cheating on you, emotionally. If you understand that (rather than denying it, because he’s denying it) and you are OK with sharing him, then I guess that is OK for your particular relationship. I would never be OK with it.

So again, I urge you to really think about what you want and need in a relationship, and for you to truly see what is actually going on here, and then make a decision about whether you will stay with him.

People (mainly guys) say all sorts of stuff to women, including accusing them of being the guilty party, when they don’t want to have to apologize, or change their ways, or give up their situation, because they think (and are often correct) that women will demure to them, and believe them, and think that they (the woman, herself) is the one who did something wrong. Don’t allow yourself to be that person.

KNOWITALL's avatar

@Kardamom I tend to agree. How would she be jealous if she doesnt access his accounts regularly? You cant backdate comversations. Good catch on that!

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