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alittlebitofeverything03's avatar

Why would he sleep at his ex wife's house,what is really going on here?

Asked by alittlebitofeverything03 (97points) April 10th, 2018

My older boyfriend(46),told me(29) that this weekend we were not going to see each other because he was going to go back to the city where he lived before with his ex-wife’s, and that he was going to do some things, like look for a ground (property) to build a house that his mom/him are interested in, and he is also going to visit 2 friends, and was going to go back to his ex Wife’s home to look for some stuff that he still has there,(even though he has his storage over there) so I don’t even know why he still has some of his belongings wandering around in her house. And on top of that he will stay to sleep there.They have been divorced for 6 or more years now.

They have 2 dogs, they live with her and he adores those dogs, I feel as if this can get in the way of him an I,cause whenever she travels, She calls him to go and take care of the dogs all the way where she lives, which is like two hours and a half away from us.Another thing is that this woman is American and he is a Latino, so maybe they got married so he can get his legal papers here in the states, but honestly speaking 10 years is too much for the sake of legal status papers here in the U.S, or maybe they did fall in love,who knows.

Am I overreacting here or is this all too much??. He asked me if I was alright with him sleeping in her house or not, I answered that I trusted him (stupid me,now I feel like a fool).

We have been together for 2 months,he has been a really nice and generous man with me.I don’t want to screw it up, but I don’t want to look like a fool either.

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19 Answers

KNOWITALL's avatar

I’d be honest and tell him you had second thoughts and just don’t feel comfortable with it at this time, after only two months. Maybe a year or two down the road, you’ll have built up trust and respect more, which may help.

On the other hand, if he wants to sleep around, he will and there’s nothing you can do about it, so sometimes you have to decide to trust and move forward.

My personal opinion is that sleeping in her house is a little much to ask.

RedDeerGuy1's avatar

I would think that they are they trying to make up.

Zaku's avatar

Seems like there would be better clearer boundaries if he stayed with his mom or in a motel.

In hindsight, you could have said (and could still say): “I do trust you, but we’ve only been together 2 months and I don’t have a full sense of how your relationship with your ex wife is, and at this point I don’t think I should have to, and it seems like it would make more sense to me, that you would stay someplace else over night, even if just because you wouldn’t want any chance for there to be any possible misunderstanding.” And I’d say that in person and observe how he reacts.

I don’t know any of you people, but my guess is it’s not that he will hook up with his ex wife, but it sounds like he may be insensitive towards you about it and has some inaccurate expectations about you. There’s probably a $40 motel room he could use, and I’d hope he’d rather do that than make you uncomfortable at all.

alittlebitofeverything03's avatar

His Mom lives in another country, not here in the U.S.A, she just wants to ’‘buy’’ a property there, for a vacation house and he also had that idea, and trust me I HATE that I idea specially knowing that his ex wife lives in that town.

KNOWITALL's avatar

Did he invite you to come along? I’m not sure why he wouldn’t want to show you off and let you meet his friends and maybe lunch with the ex.

alittlebitofeverything03's avatar

@Zaku Right!, he even asked me are you Ok with me staying there or not? he wanted to know, but it was late at night,the least I wanted was drama or discussion, plus it took me by surprise, so I just said:’‘I trust you’’ and then he answered me ’‘oh if it’s because of sex’’ you don’t have to worry, 2 years before she had filed for divorce,we already had stopped having sex.

I just don’t understand really all this attachment or friendship or whatever he has with his ex ,is due to what exactly? is she threatening him?, it does not make sense to me, he told me she had lost her job, this and that. I think this woman is the reason why his newer relationships after they divorced did not worked. I think she has gotten involved in all the relationships he had after they got divorce, she said to him that why was he with a woman that he was with at the time, because she looked like a hooker.

Why does he let her is the question?, he even said to me, whenever I had a girlfriend, I told my ex wife, and she always was opinionated, Now I have decided not to tell her anything anymore.

alittlebitofeverything03's avatar

@KNOWITALL Nope, he is going to visit a friend that I have already met (him and his wife) he had a medical treatment and just came out of the hospital. he will go see some pieces of land cause his mom that lives in another country wants to buy a piece of land to make a vacation house. then he will go to his ex wife house pick up some stuff that belong to him (which I don’t understand cause he told me he has all his belongings in his STORAGE!!) and well he will stay to sleep there.

What I really don’t understand is why is he so sincere, good person with me( cause he has behaved really well with me), and is even going to buy a house so we move in together and begin our life, he will also do some type of efficiencies to pay the mortgage with the income of the efficiencies. But STILL KEEPS IN CONTACT WITH HIS EX WIFE, I don’t get this!! it does not make much sense to me.

Patty_Melt's avatar

Any man at his age has ties, baggage.
If you can’t handle it, then tell him so, but you will not find a man over thirty who is completely without ties to other women.
I think the fact that he laid out all his plans for you is pretty awesome. Lots of men would be lots less open.

chyna's avatar

I am wondering how this all turned out. I hope we get an update.

alittlebitofeverything03's avatar

@chyna @patty Melt @zaku I have an UPDATE!!, I had told him that I wanted him to come and pick me up at five on the dot, cause if not I was not going to go out cause it was too late, LOL, he came to pick me up at 4:20, I was not even ready took me by surprise.

Ok First I did not talk to him about it, I thought since we had not seen each other on the weekend I did not want to bombard him right away with that. instead he open his mouth and started telling me some of the things he did, he did not mention his ex wife at all, so he was telling me that he would like to have a small vacation home in that city where he lived here in Fl, I was like ’‘listen I don’t see the need of you having to go back and forth to that place, now you live here, so you have to focus on looking for a house here. that is your past, to me it does not make sense whatsoever that you keep on going. He replied’’ no, yes I live here now and I want my life to be here too, but I have most of my friends over there’’.

Then we went out to eat and just walk an have some fun, and when we where on the restaurant.almost about to leave, he was telling me that he feels so good being with me and without drama, like it’s all natural, an he showed me a message of an ex girlfriend who happened to text him on April 10th, this girl was an alcoholic when they were going out, so he told me all their story, and how dramatic she was, alcohol making her agressive, so and so, this ex was very jealous when he talked to his ex wife on the phone, so she even texted/called his ex wife telling her that she was pregnant of his son and insulted his ex wife and a lot of drama, (so I asked him,if she was so jealous its because she either saw something or she felt as if you 2 had something going on, while you where with her.) He told me that no, that he is the type to be with only one woman and does not play around. that he had absolutely nothing going on with his ex wife when he was with that girlfriend.(Does not make sense cause then why would his alcoholic girlfriend get so crazy jealous?)

The funny thing is that when we where about to leave the restaurant (waiting for the check) his phone lights up, someone was calling him and I catched a glimpse an it was his ex wife, cause I know her name,and I was like ’‘oh dam I wonder who is calling now’’ I expressed myself as in hindsight. and I saw his face and he was like showing like a careless, not even acknowledging who it was. then when we got back to his place I did not see his mobile anywhere, lol it’s like after that call he disappeared his phone.

I was about to approach that moment when she called him and I ha seen the phone ring and light up tell him once and for all, but I believe if I would have told him’’ why did you not pick up your phone, I know it was your ex wife calling’’, it would have made me look jealous.So then I backed up, now I really don’t know how to begging telling him, what occasion is good, without me looking jealous? I am so bad at confrontation.

He told me yesterday that he believes that he is falling in love with me (we have just 2 months) in the restaurant he also asked me if I would like to live with him.

KNOWITALL's avatar

Wow, hiding the phone, not answering with you, I just don’t understand him.

alittlebitofeverything03's avatar

@knowitall yeah he did not answer the phone. it has happened 2 times that she has called him in front of me and he does not answer his mobile.

KNOWITALL's avatar

Is he being kind to you, or deceiving you though? Wouldn’t you like to listen to a conversation they have, so you can be assured there’s no “I love you too babe” or anything?

chyna's avatar

If he has nothing to hide, why isn’t he answering the phone when he is with you? He might not want to take time away from you by talking on the phone. You could possibly say something like “go ahead and answer it, I don’t mind.”

alittlebitofeverything03's avatar

@chyna @KNOWITALL So are you sure that he is hiding something from me, it’s confusing to me cause he treats me so kind, generous, I have even talked to his mom, his mom likes me a lot, I have met a couple of his friends back from that town, where his ex also lives in ( I’m sure they really know what is going on between them, but wouldn’t it be weird that he introduces me to 2 of his dearest friends and they can possibly know what his link to his ex wife is nowadays, I don’t think he would have introduce me to them in the first place, if he was cheating or doing something wrong. I mean these people would have been in shock or something, unless they don’t know ish about their current relationship with his ex wife.

I wonder if he is also scared of his ex wife for some specific reason, some man are very easy to dominate ,maybe she has already done it.

chyna's avatar

I have no way of knowing. But it is bothering you quite a bit so you need to talk to him about it. Not in a confrontational manner, but just tell him what is bothering you and see if he can put your mind at rest.

Patty_Melt's avatar

^^ Yes, I agree a civil conversation is a must. I would not advance the relationship one bit until you have sorted things through completely.
It seems like if she keeps calling, maybe she is trying to rope him in, and he is just about nuts with all her pestering.
After all, if it went both ways, she probably wouldn’t stay his ex so long.

KNOWITALL's avatar

@alittlebit I have no idea if he is or not, but some things sound suspicious.

If he’s introducing you as his girlfriend (not friend) or you kiss or hold hands in front of them, then maybe it’s all fine.

All I’m saying is before moving in with him, you should feel 100% confident that everything is good and all on the up and up. Frankly, I’d ask him what his ex thinks about us living together and will she still be calling a lot, because if it bothers you now, then a few months or years later, it will probably REALLY bother you. Just clear that up so you can feel good about moving forward!

LadyMarissa's avatar

As a female who divorced her first husband over 40 years ago, I can tell you that once those papers were signed, I STOPPED feeling anything special for him. We have remained friends for all those years. However, IF he showed up at my front door tonight needing a place to stay that I wouldn’t turn him away.. Even IF we shared the same bed, there would be NO sex!!! He lost that right when he signed the divorce papers.I still love him but it’s as a dear friend & NOT a lover. To this day my ex brings any new girlfriend he’s feeling attached to by my house for me to meet & give him my stamp of approval. He says I have better taste than he does & I tend to see through the BS better too.

Maybe your guy’s ex has hopes of getting back with him. But I don’t think he’s thinking the same way. Anyway, IF he wanted to cheat on you with her, he easily could without telling you that he’ll be staying with her. He could have lied & told you he was staying at a hotel & then have her stay there with him.

Why does he hide her phone calls? Maybe it’s because he fears similar drama to that he had to deal with in his past. In many ways that’s NOT fair to you; but then again, you haven’t been exactly hones with him as to how you truly feel. Drama could well be coming until the 2 of you communicate openly & honestly.

Why would an alcoholic girlfriend get so crazy jealous? That’s what drunks do. They overreact to everything!!! Maybe she was naturally jealous even when sober. Regardless of her reason, you shouldn’t bring the same drama in with you.

BEFORE you move in with him, I think you owe it to him to be HONEST!!! Tell him straight out that it’s bothering you that he’s still so close to his ex. Give him the opportunity to explain their friendship to you.. If you wait until after you move in he will see it as a betrayal because you’ve led him to believe that you are OK with it. NEVER tell a man that you’re OK with something that seriously bothers you. That brings unwanted drama!!!

Since I don’t know either of you, I could be wrong; but, my gut is telling me that you’re talking yourself into a frenzy. I do know that IF you can’t find a way to trust him that you’re wasting your time moving in with him because it will never work out as you hope. A solid relationship is built on trust; & without trust, you have nothing!!!

You BOTH deserve MORE!!!

BTW, this is coming from a woman whose ex cheated on her at least 3 times a day every day of their married life. I’m pretty good at detecting cheaters

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