General Question

marinelife's avatar

Is there anything else I can do, or should I give in gracefully?

Asked by marinelife (62430points) August 17th, 2008

My husband and I are returning to the city we got married in to celebrate our 25h wedding anniversary. As part of our time there, we want to have a party with our friends from that city (most attended our wedding).

We have not lived there for 22 years, but have seen and kept in touch with people. One couple, close friends we visit back-and-forth with often, offered their house to us to have the party.

Now, one of the couple has asked to invite a woman all three of us worked with all those years ago, but that neither my husband nor I liked much.

I tried gentle dissuasion, but my friend is not subtle (He’s a guy.). Should I push? Should I have my husband try? Should I give up?

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22 Answers

babygalll's avatar

You and your husband should invite people that you really want to be there. This is a celebration of your wedding with close friends and relatives. Be honest with him and just tell him you only want close friends and family that you are still in touch with.

augustlan's avatar

I agree with baby…it’s your celebration, the guest list should be yours, as well.

cak's avatar

You know, this is a very special celebration and it’s a personal celebration. I would really have to say that she’s just not someone that either of you are really personal friends with and she’s just not someone that would really want at the party. It doesn’t really need to go futher than that, just simple, without saying why or anything else – just that you wouldn’t really want her attending the party.

IF they invited her, without you knowing, would she attend, is she the kind to bow out gracefully?

If she is there, the best thing to do, at that point, is just to be gracious, thank her for attending; however, there isn’t a law requiring that you spend the entire party with her.

By the way, congratulations! I love hearing when people hit those landmark anniversaries!

marinelife's avatar

@cak Great phrasing. I think I will use it. She is not a gracious bower-outer (one reason we don’t care for her), but if need be we will go with having her there and spending time with those we care about.

cak's avatar

Marina, best of luck…we had three at our wedding…invited by my husband’s 3rd stepmom! (he has 5!) We had to grin and bear it, but it was a small price to pay, we had many other friends and family around us that day. I think we spoke to them for about 5 mins and really didn’t have any issues.

cyndyh's avatar

Also, if you haven’t seen her for all those years, she might have grown up a lot, too. I’d also say if they already invited her to just grin and bear it. It may be nowhere as bad as you imagine.

Lovelocke's avatar

It’s your clubhouse… you can invite whoever the hell it is you want to. Well, technically it’s not your house, your town, your party or your guest list… it’s technically more of a reunion with no heat behind it rather than a party, and 22 years is a kind of long time, so who knows? Maybe alcoholism has settled that person’s attitude over the years… or maybe they have cancer and will be dead before the party’s over.

Either way, as long as you exclude them from a party thrown by their friends for a couple of people she used to work with, I don’t think it’s too wrong or screwed up. As a matter of fact, the likelihood of her ever finding out there was a party she wasn’t invited to is very slim, and any potential long-term fallout between her and the hometown she’s been a part of for over 2 decades will probably flutter away.

So, I don’t know. Go with what your heart tells you.

Randy's avatar

Best of luck. As Lovelock mentioned, do what you think is best.

SuperMouse's avatar

Your friends probably would not want to force you to invite someone, whether they are friends with this individual or not. Maybe give it one more shot with your friend, gently explaining the situation. If he is adamant, radiantly acquiesce, and enjoy your party.

jca's avatar

this is the unfortunate part of having the party at someone else’s house. unless they’re understanding to what you are telling them, it’s their house and they can expand that party to invite who they want to. hopefully they listen to your concerns, but if not, don’t get to wrapped up in the negativity. just go with the flow, and enjoy the good time, and be nice and gracious to all of the party goers. maybe the person will be different from what you remembered (and also, you’re different, too) so maybe you will enjoy her company. either way, it might add interest to the mix!

Bri_L's avatar

Congratulations Marina! That is wonderful!

I would have a discussion with this friend and suggest that you would rather not invite that person. I don’t see the harm as they are doing this for you and your anniversary.

skfinkel's avatar

I’m guessing that the three friends are still in touch, and the one you are not crazy about is a part of the others’ lives, and it might cause them some discomfort not to invite her. Unless she is just a terrible person who would ruin the event for you, I would extend the invitation to her as well. In the long run, there will be no hurt feelings. As stated above, you don’t have to spend much time with her, and your friends who continue to work with her won’t have a problem.

These events are so wonderful, yet always have this kind of aspect—someone left out, someone hurt. So, since that is obviously not what you want to do, I would err on the side of inclusiveness.

And enjoy your celebration.

susanc's avatar

Good idea, have your husband talk to the guy.

I completely disagree that the host family should decide anything about who gets invited. As you described it, it’s not their party, it’s your party at their house. This guy… I’m sure he’s darling and you’re glad he’s your old friend, but maybe he’s ... stupid.

If you decide to let it go, it’s true, this woman doesn’t have to matter.
You’ll be too busy to think about her. It’s the principle of the thing that burns my
butt in your behalf.

Supermouse’s : “radiantly acquiesce”: great theatre.

Enjoy! 25 years! – you guys rule! Give us a report.

jca's avatar

susanc: i disagree with what you wrote “I completely disagree that the host family should decide anything about who gets invited….it’s not their party, it’s your party at their house.” Ultimately it’s the hosts who do get the final say, since it is their house, and if they want to, they can be like it’s our house and we will invite who we want. if the guests of honor are lucky, the hosts will be accomodating and understanding of the GOH’s wishes. If not, GOH is SOL. that’s why it may have been easier for guest of honor to have it somewhere of their choosing.

Mexicanamerican's avatar

Congrats.. Thats quite an accomplishment.. That said I don’t believe in having to be uncomfortable especially on a day like that.. I think your friends will understand.

marinelife's avatar

News Flash. He invited her,and she is coming. He then emailed about possibly inviting someone else that I worked with, but never socialized with. I explained my thinking, he understood, and at least has agreed to stop inviting people.

I am sure it will be a great time. Thanks for all the helpful input.

susanc's avatar

With all due respect, jca, marina said “One couple offered their house for us to have the party”, not, “One couple decided to throw a party and invite people we dislike, while claiming credit for being generous to us.”
Nice that they got it cleared up.

jca's avatar

susanc: i understand what she wrote and what you are explaining, it’s just that owning the house trumps what the occasion is. could you imagine someone telling you who you could and could not have in your own house? that’s why people rent halls for parties or whatever – you can do what you like with whom.

i agree that it’s nice she spoke to him and he’s going to stop inviting extras.

Bri_L's avatar

I don’t know, I don’t think much of a person who offers his or her house to someone else for their celebration as a gesture then “trumps” the occasion. Not much of a gesture. Why offer to begin with.

jca's avatar

Susanc: also, your answer was a little rude, unless i am misunderstanding your tone. i don’t think rudeness is called for here.

Bri L: i agree with you – i didn’t say it’s right, i just think that’s how it is. it’s my opinion. i think another example of this is when the bride’s parents (or bridegroom’s parents) pay for a wedding, and then invite all their friends, too. it’s like, they’re paying, they invite who they want.

Bri_L's avatar

jca: I understand. It’s just a shame. When a gesture is made it should be made in kind heart.

We just had a family of four stay at our house. We cleared off shelves in our fridge, cleared out a bathroom, the piano room and my computer, shelves in our pantry and altered our schedules for them. All this while my brother in law and his fam where in town. Now it is still our house. Could we have laid down the law at times to suit our schedule and habbits? Sure. But it would defeat the purpose of our offer.

WDLittle's avatar

Hmmm. This is a great discussion. I think I agree with most that just talking to the guy is the best thing. Sounds as though you did that already. Really, that’s the easiest way to get around this since you’re really not wanting to upset anyone and that way you didn’t have to demand anything from the host. Good going! And, congratulations on the 25th… that’s AWESOME. (I don’t think my wife will want to invite ME to our 25th).

Now, hopefully the lady doesn’t start dancing on tables naked or something, (at least until you can find a video camera).

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