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Girl79's avatar

Having a rough spot in marriage?

Asked by Girl79 (8points) October 16th, 2018

We have been together for more then 20 years, past year has been rough, he lost his job and I’ve been paying for everything, my birthday is coming up and I don’t think he has anything planned, I’m not asking for stuff, but just want little things, he doesn’t try to make me feel special, how do I know when it’s over, is this normal in marriage

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8 Answers

gorillapaws's avatar

@Girl79 Could your husband be depressed? Loosing a job can be devastating on a person’s sense of self-worth. I can appreciate your frustration, but without knowing more it’s really hard to answer. I can tell you from experience that when you’re severely depressed, trying to make someone “feel special” might be very difficult, especially if they wanted to do something great but didn’t have the means.

I don’t want to make assumptions about your relationship, but 20-years is a long time, and that tells me that it’s probably worth trying to save the marriage.

JLeslie's avatar

In our 20th year is about when things became rough for us too. My husband had been laid off also.

In my case, I have chosen to somewhat ignore our fights and some of his hostility. We still have so much fun together, we love each other, we are committed to each other, and he hasn’t crossed a line where something would be unforgivable. I have been stressed also, and am very glad we both don’t hold grudges or stay angry.

Our fun times get riddled with anger, it’s very frustrating to me. Last weekend we went to Universal to have one of our favorite breakfasts, and then did some shopping (no buying) then Disney for dinner and entertainment and it was great, yet still we had to fight when we missed a turn or some other stupid thing. My husband is just very on edge, and I think it’s partly all the blows to his ego.

We bought a business a couple of years ago, and it’s been very trying. It makes money, but much less than we made before, and my husband is sick of it for many reasons. He was ready to just close it at times, but I pushed him to try to sell it, even if we accept a low price. We finally have a contract, and he said to me a couple of weeks ago, “I was driving today thinking all I want to do is get this iverwith and have some fun with my wife.” It made me so happy.

We both know how we should be, we keep hoping this is temporary, and things will be better again. I think stick with it if you had 20 good years, but I can’t jniw what it’s really like to be in your marriage. No judgement from me if you just can’t take it anymore.

One advantage I have, is I have fun almost every day. I see friends, zumba, go to lectures I’m interested in, watch my favorite TV shows, help people when I can, I have a lot of things I look forward to every week.

kritiper's avatar

Be positive!

Patty_Melt's avatar

Twenty years is enough time to know each other. There are darn few surprises anymore. Sometimes people make the mistake of believing the love is gone, just because excitement is getting rare.
Most men, after twenty years, if pressed, will say, “I’m still here, ain’t I?”
There is something to that.
If you want still water to ripple, you poke it.
Poke it.
Do some unexpected little things. Cut a paper heart, hit it with a red crayon, and stick it in the refrigerator, or his sock drawer. Put on a perky song you like, and dance around a bit. (NOT while he’s watching football.) Just do the occasional cheesy little no expense thing. If he says absolutely nothing, don’t get your feelings hurt. Sometimes men are just dumb, and need a little more push.
When these things get his attention, he will start seeing how something can be nice, without costing much.
Once in a while, kiss him and say thanks, for some ordinary thing he does all the time.

marinelife's avatar

Your husband is in a very rough place. He has lost his job, which for many men defines who they are. He is probably too deep in an emotional hole to give much thought to your needs. So, because you love him, you need to be the strong one at this point.

Tell him that you want to celebrate your birthday with him. Be specific about what you would like: a coupon book of husband treats (like a foot massage, him cooking dinner one night or for your birthday, some kind of sexual treat [like role play or some touch that you would like], some honey do fix-ups you would like in the house or whatever it is.

Let go of the “I have been paying for everything.” That will change when he gets another job and varies throughout the years in a marriage.

Unemployment is very low right now. Does he have the skills he needs or does he need help with job hunting?

Instead of thinking about how he is not meeting your needs, see if you can help him in his time of trouble.

KNOWITALL's avatar

I actually went through this for about five years solid. Paying for everything, working full time, coming home to cook and clean, cheering him up, pep talks, pushing him to get out there.

For men, so much of their self-worth is in being a provider, it’s sometimes harder for them to admit they need help or have depression.

Basically I gave my husband an ultimatum, to have a job by (date) or I was filing for divorce. I also helped him look for jobs that would be suitable. Luckily we don’t have children or many bills, so money wasn’t really the issue. It worked and he is a totally different person now. He works, he has new friends, he got a makeover, new wardrobe and is very happy. I helped him up, monitored awhile and then let go.

To me, my job as a wife is to help him be the best person he can be, whether we’re together or not. And sitting home and pouting wasn’t helping anyone and bordered on abuse of the marriage imo.

Just be careful kicking a person when they’re down, instead of offering them a helping hand up. Best of luck, sounds tough.

Dutchess_III's avatar

That’s some good advice up there. Good luck.

JLeslie's avatar

I think if I gave my husband an ultimatum he would leave. His family is like that. They will not as someone to stay even if it kills them emotionally.

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