Social Question

Chocobunni's avatar

Should women feel insecure about being structurally larger than their boyfriend?

Asked by Chocobunni (94points) November 3rd, 2018

This comes up in lots of situations I’ve seen. Women feel guilty for being too tall, too wide, or too strong when set alongside their male partners.
Many I’ve heard seem rather insecure about their femininity, and feel as if the man is also questioning his masculine side of the relationship.

I’ve known women who turn down males knowing simple things like her hand is bigger than his, her thighs are wider when they sit, or that she can see above his head. This seemed mind boggling to me, but as a tall, wider, and stronger woman myself I began seeing the same insecurities. I would just like your opinion on why or why not you think that women should be allowed to be taller, bigger, or more muscular than their boyfriend.
And if you are a man, would you consider a girl who fits one or all of these categories?

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20 Answers

Patty_Melt's avatar

I had a man ask me out once who declared at the end of our outing he would not be dating me, because he couldn’t date a woman with bigger biceps than him.
I was not a large woman, 63 inches tall, 130 pounds, but I was cut. I had lats I could flare, and if I flexed my delts men would fall off their chairs.
I was somewhat disappointed, because I was liking him until then, but if he was threatened by my muscle tone, then he was not for me.
I never found the man for me. Not one was secure enough to let me be me, and love me for it.

Women should not be made to feel insecure about outsizing their men, but it regularly ends that way.

seawulf575's avatar

I don’t think it matters. If there is attraction then that should be enough. You are who you are. If a man isn’t comfortable with who you are, then it is his problem and he is not the one for you. He is looking for someone else and will never be satisfied with you the way you are, whether it is taller, heavier, more toned…whatever. He is insecure about himself and that is not something you can fix.
As a guy, I can tell you it changes through life. I am relatively tall (6’) and in decent shape. Finding a woman taller is a bit difficult. And as a young man, looks seemed to matter. Too heavy was a bit of a turn off, but we are talking obese. I always liked women that had a little meat on their bones. Obese was just not sexually attractive, though I did have women friends that were obese throughout my life. But for much of my life, I was a string bean. Picture 6’ tall and about 150#. But I figured that is just who I was. I’m pretty certain that sexually, I was not attractive to many women.
As I got older, I realized that looks are fleeting. We all get old, we all wrinkle, we all turn gray (yes, even if you use a bottle to hide it), we all soften in areas, and gravity makes parts of us sag and droop. It happens. If you are using only looks as your yardstick for finding a mate, you are bound to be sorely disappointed later in life. So as I said, if there is attraction, that should be enough. The rest is window dressing.

KNOWITALL's avatar

I have never been a small delicate flower, and never had a problem getting gorgeous men. Maybe you need to head down south where strong women are a turn on. Tbh I hear many despise a weak willed, small ‘sickly’ women. They want a truly equal mate.

I’m sorry someone treated you poorly, probably insecure in his masculinity and couldnt handle a strong woman. By the way, my mom was five foot, delicate and has not had a mate for most of her life.

zenvelo's avatar

It isn’t the woman’s insecurity as much as it is the man’s. Most men I know appreciate a fit, on the tall side woman. But it takes a man with confidence to approach them.

Let’s face it, most men are fragile snowflakes that can’t stand the thought of not measuring up.

kritiper's avatar

Height-wise or width-wise?

MrGrimm888's avatar

I’m a big guy. 6’5, 260 lbs. I would be fine with dating a girl taller than me. Maybe not much taller. Can’t really articulate why.

Stronger would be hard to find. I’m not sure how I would feel about that.

I guess, if I look at what I hope my female friends and family end up with, I want them to have big strong boyfriends. When they are paired with smaller men than themselves, it bothers me.

I actually met a girl last night who was about 6ft tall, and had a very big frame. She wasn’t fat at all, just built like a horse. I think she might be a bit young for me, but I may try to talk to her soon. If I never return to this site, she killed during the throes of passion, and likely ate my head like a praying mantis…

KNOWITALL's avatar

@MrGrimm haha, funny mental picture!! Hey at leaat you dont have to worry about bruising her up, big fella lol

Patty_Melt's avatar

I think Grimmy made a point, perhaps without realizing it.
Most men when facing a woman who outsizes them is imagining what damage the woman might do to them. It brings to point they aren’t looking at any relationship as harmonious, but rather with the expectation of combat. They want no doubts how physical confrontation might go.

MrGrimm888's avatar

^ I don’t agree 100%.

I do have a past, where I have had to assess people on their ability to harm me. So, I guess there is some validity there. Maybe that’s a subconscious thing. With all due respect, I fear no man, or female, in a physical confrontation.

I don’t know that most men think that way either. Like I said, I prefer my female friends to be with big guys. That would seem to contradict any perceived hypothetical confrontation. By that logic, I would want only smaller males around me.

But…. I am comfortable in my abilities to defend myself from most people. Or even multiple people, or people with weapons. That’s another thing. I have always supported females carrying mace. Mace would render me harmless quickly. So, again I am supporting women being able to defend themselves, and having big strong mates.

I rather enjoy a strong female. I like one who bites too…

Patty_Melt's avatar

I bite, but you don’t like my social or political opinions, so, I’m outta luck again.
<walking away despondently>

KNOWITALL's avatar

@Patty bahaha!!

LadyMarissa's avatar

I’ve never worried about what guys think of me. I am who I am & IF they don’t like who I am then they’re NOT the right guy for me & I prefer that they NOT waste my time & just move on!!!

JLeslie's avatar

They “shouldn’t” feel insecure or bad, but they might feel uncomfortable.

When I hit 5’5” I hoped I would stop growing taller. I did not want to be taller than the average man when I had heals on. I’m 5’6” and it’s a good height, especially since I’m not in heals very often anymore.

Side note: I often tower over a group of girlfriends, and I still don’t like the feeling, but it bothers me less now. In my experience short women wish to be taller, but I’m not sure they really understand what it’s like to be the tallest. Grass is always greener I guess. I think “shorter” women are cuter and can wear more style options as long as they are proportioned well, but the proportion matters even if you’re tall.

I have two friends who compete in those muscle body competitions and I don’t like the look. They have many more muscles built up than their boyfriends, and that doesn’t seem to be issue, but the men are not weaklings by any account.

So, back to me. I’m 5’6 and my husband is 5’10” and that works out pretty well, but right now he’s a very nice thin (not too skinny) and I need to lose 10–15 pounds, and it bothers me to be heavier than him, partly because I know he finds it less attractive. When I look at photos of us and I look wider than him I don’t like it. I see a ton of couples in their 40’s where the women look older than the men, mostly because the women are fatter. Although, I will say when I see photos of me alone I still think I need to lose the weight, it isn’t only about being next to him, but if he was heavier I think I would notice my weight less. Sometimes, the men are very skinny though, too skinny, and they are the ones too extreme in the couple.

I’m not talking extremes mind you for myself. When I say I want to lose 10–15 pounds, that isn’t going to leave me with no fat on my bones. I could lose 25 and still be in my “normal weight” zone with room to spare. I don’t only want to lose it because of looks, it’s health related for me too.

In the end, no one should give a crap. It’s all social conditioning. Everything I wrote is quite superficial, and I think about it for a fleeting moment, if I bother to think about it at all. Looks fade, some people gain or lose weight because of illness, some people have harder times building muscle for natural reasons. I tend to think don’t spit into the wind.

I have a friend who was obsessed with her weight almost her entire life, and the majority of the time that I’ve known her she’s been too thin in my opinion. She comments on her first son being fat all the time, and I find her unnattractive for being obsessed with it. Last year she had to go on steroid medication and gained quite a bit of weight. I just think don’t be too quick to dislike or gossip about something about someone or a couple that is superficial, because you never know when you yourself might be in the same situation. Things change. I could wind up divorced or widowed (God forbid) and the next SO might be 5’4”. I might need to go on medication that makes me gain 30 pounds, or be in an accident that makes me unable to exercise. Maybe I unexpectedly get really into body building, which I never thought I would have an interest in. You just never know.

The only thing that really matters is the person’s soul, and when you get to know people that’s what you see, is their personality and character, and the outside doesn’t really mean anything.

LadyMarissa's avatar

My BFF is 5’10” & her husband is 5’2”. They’ve been married for 7 years & seem to be happy.

My Mom’s BFF’s granddaughter is 6’3”. No matter the height of her date, she always wore heels. She said IF he didn’t like her being taller that he should have NEVER asked her out!!! She recently got married to a guy who is 6’0”. They are still in their over the moon happy phase; but, surely he wouldn’t have asked her to marry him IF he was put off by her height!!!

I’m 5’4” & my husband was 6’5” & he was skinny. I loved him so much I NEVER paid attention to how thin he was because as far as I was concerned, he was PERFECT just like he was!!!

MrGrimm888's avatar

Patty. Don’t make me take this to HR…~

gorillapaws's avatar

No. Women should feel secure in their bodies. If a man isn’t interested in you because of something shallow like your height or muscle tone, etc. then that’s very revealing about what a looser the guy is. You should be thankful that he showed his true colors early and you didn’t waste any additional time and energy on him. There are plenty of men interested in women of all shapes and sizes. Be proud of who you are and you’ll find someone who likes you for you.

mazingerz88's avatar

Martians and Venusians should go along well without insecurities of physical nature.

But Earthlings who think for example that short guys should have no business being with tall women and vice versa sadly make these lovers feel alienated.

answerbag's avatar

I think everyone should love themselves! =)

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