Social Question

furious_rose's avatar

What is the appropriate reaction to being stood up?

Asked by furious_rose (356points) December 20th, 2018

I was talking to a friend on Friday, and he asked me if my schedule was open to meet with him on Saturday. I had plans already, but I told him I would come home early so he and I could get together.

I asked him if he was sure he was going to come by, and he said “definitely.”

Anyway, I called him around 5:00 p.m. and he sounded wishy washy. I told him to text me “yes” or “no” by 10:00 p.m.

Well, he didn’t contact me. On Sunday night, I finally heard from him.

He said he ended up “lounging and sleeping” on Saturday. I asked, “Why couldn’t you text me and tell me you weren’t coming?” and he said he said I needed to quit playing the victim; he was trying to teach me a lesson.

He said I should never count on someone to make me happy, and I shouldn’t have any expectations of others. I told him that he lacked integrity by not keeping his word, and it was inconsiderate.

Is there a right way of dealing with this kind of situation?

Did I have a right to be pissed? Or am I being immature?

If someone makes plans with you and then doesn’t show up, how do you react?

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25 Answers

chyna's avatar

I would be pissed especially if I had changed plans to be with that person. He was very rude and why did he think you needed to “be taught a lesson.”
What you said to him was appropriate. I wouldn’t make plans with him again. That would “teach him a lesson.”

LuckyGuy's avatar

I’d be pissed as well. He did teach you a lesson: He’s a jerk.

canidmajor's avatar

Yikes, what an ass! The appropriate action is to be annoyed, tell them that they disrespected (that’s the nicest word I could think of) you and that you’re done with that. His reaction to your dismay is twice as bad as not showing up. His “teach you a lesson” statement is beyond rude and demeaning.
Avoid this jerk.

janbb's avatar

Mansplaining, what fun! He was being a jerk. Of course you were right to be annoyed. If you don’t want to break off the friendship completely, you should distance yourself as much as possible.

josie's avatar

The way to deal with it is to write him off as a douche.

The appropriate reaction would be to feel insulted and indignant.

rebbel's avatar

Totally childish auction of this manchild.
After initial anger and whatthefuckment I think I would be glad to be rid of such friend.

RedDeerGuy1's avatar

Edit redacted.

zenvelo's avatar

Ghost him. Don’t block him, don’t “defriend” him. Just never respond to any of his communications.

He has compeltely and absolutely told you what value he places on your time and friendship.

Unofficial_Member's avatar

Him not fulfilling his promise and the idea of depending in someone is completely irrelevant, he should make better excuse. He lied to you and made excuses.

Apparently he wasn’t smart enough. If he was, he would’ve said that his cat suddenly got sick, he got drunk, forgetful, etc, and apologize profusely so that it’ll be more understandable.

Love_my_doggie's avatar

As some other Jellies have written, get rid of this “friend.”

Externalization is a defense mechanism that blames victims for one’s own bad behavior. Such a person is unable or unwilling to take any responsibility, so s/he projects toward other people.

Someone might berate under the pose of good-natured, fun teasing, then say that the hurt recipient is “too sensitive” or “has no sense of humor.” Of course, there are countless sexual assault victims who “asked for it” or “had it coming.” Amazingly, I once worked until after midnight to fix a problem caused by one of my supervisors and make her look good before the client; her response was to shrug and say, “You get paid.”

Such people are toxic and to be avoided.

LadyMarissa's avatar

I would NOT waste my time arguing with him…I’d just ALWAYS be too busy to make any plans with him in the future!!! I’d put him on my list of the person to automatically say “Sorry, I’m busy. Maybe some other time.”

Not knowing either of you, he sounds rude & pathetic. Still, from the way you described it, it also sounds like he was trying to be a good friend. Yet, I feel the need to point out that a good friend would NOT have chosen standing you up as the best way to get their point across!!!

NO matter his intention, I would NEVER give him the opportunity to stand me up EVER again!!!

Dutchess_III's avatar

Get pissed and refuse to talk to them again for at least 4 years, then marry him.

Dutchess_III's avatar

Absolutely you had a right to be pissed. He sounds like a royal asshole. I hope you weren’t that close because honestly I’d never speak to him again.

Inspired_2write's avatar

Another thing to consider as to the why he stood you up?
I had an acquaintance do this to several women, keeping them on a string so to speak.
His REAL reason was to “know” where one was at that moment , in order to take out another without being ‘caught” with another women.
In a small Town it would had been an easy thing to come into contact on the street as there were not too many things to do in a small Town anyway.
Also he was in his early 20 yrs of age and that is somewhat expected of those that young to make serious relationship mistakes and usually at that age THEY ARE playing a numbers game when it comes to dating numerous women.
Dump him and set boundaries with men that are immature and playing with your emotions.
Next time with another that does this state right away unless they are or will be a few min late cancel the meeting! You need more respect from men and others and it comes with expecting respect. Without respect for your time etc there is no honest relationship, yes dump him to the curb to allow a more respectful and worthy man to meet you and have a healthy relationship.

LadyMarissa's avatar

Get pissed and refuse to talk to them again for at least 4 years, then marry him.

Marry Him…ROFLMFAO Payback is a mf!!!

Dutchess_III's avatar

(It’s a true story tho…Rick and me…)

@Inspired_2write she told us the “reason”, and it boils down to he’s an inconsiderate ass who doesn’t deserve any pardon or sympathy.

kritiper's avatar

Never EVER talking to THAT person again!

Kropotkin's avatar

The person isn’t your friend, and you should stop any and all contact with him.

cookieman's avatar

I’m sorry, but that guy’s a fucking asshole. I’d be tempted to egg and tp his house.

furious_rose's avatar

FYI – Well, I did end up telling him to lose/block my number, and he has complied. I have a feeling that it wasn’t a difficult thing for him to do.

Oddly, and probably just because I’m clingy and lonely, I do kind of understand the lesson he was trying to teach me. Yes, he went about it in the completely wrong way.

But, if I would have let it slide and acted like it was no big deal when he stood me up, that would have been much better.

chyna's avatar

Much better for who?

LadyMarissa's avatar

Rather than telling him to lose/block your number, YOU should lose/block HIS number!!! You still don’t understand that HE was being a jerk at YOUR expense!!!

Being clingy is NOT a good thing; but, IF your clinginess bugs him that much, he just should NOT have asked you out to begin with!!! He KNOWS that you’re clingy; so, WHY ask someone out that you don’t even like??? He asked you out just so he could STAND YOU UP!!! I don’t care how clingy you are, you DESERVE to be treated BETTER!!!

Block his number & then delete it from your contacts. That way there will be NO temptation to answer IF he ever calls you again!!! I also suggest that you work hard on controlling your need to be clingy!!!

Dutchess_III's avatar

Exactly what “lesson” was he trying to teach you? Why was it his place to teach you anything? And why are you blaming yourself? That needs to stop right now.

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