General Question

scars2b's avatar

How do i let her go?

Asked by scars2b (111points) August 23rd, 2008

After all those years (8yrs)—the history, the potential future, and the “friendship” above all else. All I do is compare her with new people that come in my life. I know I have to let her go, but how do I do it? Does the Eternal Sunshine machine really exist?

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7 Answers

JackAdams's avatar

I’m no expert on this at all, but I have heard it claimed that one can use hypnosis to “delete” certain memories from your conscious mind, and that the human brain does that automatically anyway, during extremely traumatic events, to protect the host from going totally insane.

I would suggest consulting with a properly licensed/certified hypnotherapist (check the Yellow Pages) to see if that is a viable option for you.

August 23, 2008, 6:40 AM EDT

wildflower's avatar

You don’t want to delete her from your mind!! It may be hard to get past right now, but eventually you will and then the experience and memories may serve you well – for good and bad.

The only advice I can come up with is: Time and acceptance and lots of them! Accept the situation, accept that you still think about her, give it time to become less recent and thereby less prominent in your mind.

augustlan's avatar

Therapy may be helpful in letting you move on. Best of luck to you.

marinelife's avatar

There is no instant answer to your pain. When you are dwelling on all you have lost, remember the sound reasons for your decision to end it.

Immerse yourself in life and in others. That way you won’t have so much time to think about yourself.

Make new friends. It won’t be the same, but you can’t wipe out eight years overnight. With new friends, new experiences, and time, things will get better.

Good luck.

cyndyh's avatar

I’d add to what Marina said there. Along with “new experiences”, try to add some things to your life that you didn’t do with her and go places you didn’t go with her. This isn’t to say you should avoid anything having to do with her or anything that reminds you of her, just try to make a conscious effort to do other things, too. It’ll help you deal with the other times better if you have something new instead of just having a hole where she used to be.

SeekerSeekiing's avatar

(After all those years, 8 of them—you will always have the past. But don’t dwell there. When you find yourself, day-dreaming, or going over past events with her——STOP yourself. You can do that. it won’t be easy at first, but stop yourself. The past has already happened. You can’t live there.

*After all those years, 8 of them——there is no ‘potential’ future…not if you have broken up. Not if she feels differently…and not because you still care. Potential, by definition, means a future you TWO may have. Not the one of you by the power of your residual love.

*Friendship??? Who knows you MAY be able to be friends down the line, but not now. Not while you are still raw—not while you are healing—and not while you are comparing her to everyone else. Bytheby, comparisons, made in this way are usually highly ‘selective,’ only focusing on her good points—not her bad ones. But don’t COUNT on that friendship, right now she is your ex-girlfriend. And now is all any of us really have.

*Now, after all these 8 years, you have the opportunity to find someone who really loves you. If you keep going after someone who doesn’t, why is that good enough for you? Why would you set yourself up that way? As some have said, therapy, might help with these answers.

*Know yourself. Look inside…This will help with STOPPING the obsessive thinking about her. It really does takes two to have a relationship, to work at it [and sometimes it is work]. Just like it takes two hands to clap—relationship can never be one-sided. So save your love for someone who will reciprocate your feelings—THAT will have potential.

*When you have to stop your ‘thoughts’, tell yourself you deserve someone to appreciate the Creator-given uniqueness that is you.

*Are you trying to get over her? Or are you feeling like no one will love you like her? Because the 2nd points to low self-esteem.

*People can break up for any number of reasons and many times one or both do not fully understand why. Why understand ‘why’ anyway? What will that buy you? It won’t change the past. So look at ‘how.’ How can I prepare myself to meet the person who is going to love me? Then work on yourself so you will be ready when she appears.

*You deserve to be happy. Being the left-over of love does not feel happy. If possible be grateful for the years you had with her and know that she is the ‘prototype’ of the women you will find to love in your future. I find this to be true, if folks will let go, and open themselves up to the lessons of lost love and the possibility of the future.

*If you want a caring person——go where people care. I met my husband volunteering with retarded adults. It takes a special person to do this? Where could you go?

Live in the ‘right now.’ THIS moment. Stop thoughts of yesterday and refocus on NOW. No one is guaranteed a tomorrow. Make today count. If you live in THIS moment you will not focus on the past or dream of the future. You’ll feel the seat under your butt, the roses in the air, and hear the bird song. What are you missing by not being present?

*Finally, know that love demands nothing….real love that is…you loved her. That’s good, but true love doesn’t ask for anything in return.

*Be good to you during this time. Fill your days up with meaning or find meaning. You are in charge of you. Only you can make you happy——then eventually you can share that joy with someone else.

Blessings on this journey…

Palindrome's avatar

Breath, and move on my brother or sister…

You ask how?
Well there’s always things you can keep yourself occupied with that can not only make you happy, but that will make you stop thinking about grieving things like a break-up.

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