General Question

chelle21689's avatar

Is he going to propose or is he stalling?

Asked by chelle21689 (7008points) February 6th, 2019 from iPhone

Some of you know my story. I’ll be 30 next week and my bf is 29. We have been together 7.5 years but have been living together for 2 now. Before moving in together I told him my expectations of marriage and he said I wouldn’t have to wait long but he wanted to make more money to support a family.

I thought last year would’ve been the year but too much happened. Three family weddings and two funerals of his grandparents. Despite these events, he hinted at marriage and kids all the time. Everyone and I was sure he would’ve proposed in December on the big family trip but nothing.

So my annoyance inside was growing. I asked him about marriage. If it was still what he wanted and when. He said yes and said this year it’ll happen and how I felt. He said he was waiting for a special date to do it. I don’t know what that meant but he said I shouldn’t ask more or it wouldn’t be a surprise. I don’t think he has the ring though… so everyone on other forums says it’s probably a stall tactic and too many women end up waiting 12/31 and still no ring. They say we should be already shopping for rings together by now. My family thinks he meant it.

I would ask him a more specific time frame but then I guess it wouldn’t be a surprise like he wants it to be.

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41 Answers

stanleybmanly's avatar

Would you be devastated if the 7 years stretched to 30 with no proposal? Are you happy with him the way he is? If you have to get hitched, confront him about it and resort to the classic solution of nagging him senseless.

chyna's avatar

After 7.5 years, I don’t see why a surprise is necessary. As you said, what happens at 12/31 if he hasn’t proposed? Will there be more reasons/excuses as to why he did not propose this year. Having funerals and weddings is no reason to not propose. If you are wanting to be married and have kids soon, you should tell him what you expect and the timeline. Don’t let him put you off by hints about surprises.

rebbel's avatar

Not really, but ‘soon you’ll be forty’.
Then what?
Surprise him; propose!
Stall thát, hubby…

seawulf575's avatar

Propose to him. Go get a ring and propose. Nothing says the guy has to propose. It becomes a shit-or-get-off-the-pot moment for him. He either has to say yes or no. If it is yes, you talk about a date for the wedding. If it is no, then it is time for you to make a choice…continue with him knowing he will not marry you or dump him for not being the guy that wants to commit to you and take the relationship to the next level.

elbanditoroso's avatar

Judging by history, he has no interest in proposing – why should he?

He’s living with you, having sex with you, making a household with you – what’s in it for him to get married? Where’s the benefit to him? What’s the incentive for him to propose.

I wouldn’t hold my breath if I were you.

And – if you propose to him as others are suggesting – you need to mentally prepare yourself for him to say “no”.

canidmajor's avatar

I’m not sure why he is the one in control of the future. You’re not teenagers, or in your early 20s and starry eyed. You’re both grown-ass adults, and maybe you could set your own deadline. If you want children within a marriage, there’s a deadline. If you want to manage joint assets, or have control over medical decisions (yes, proxies are good, but the family can more easily win in court against a proxy than a spouse) then you need to get that put into place.
Don’t leave it all up to him. If he objects too strenuously to you having some say in this, you might want to rethink your priorities in this relationship.

Good luck with moving forward with this.

chelle21689's avatar

No, thanks. I will not propose. Women can if they want but it’s not something I would ever do. Talk about it and agree on it, yes.

zenvelo's avatar

@chelle21689 Okay, you refuse to propose. Bear in mind, not taking ownership of the action leaves you to be subject to his decision.

If I were you, similar to friends of mine in a similar position, I would suggest you tell him to “shit or get off the pot.” Give him a deadline (no more than 6 weeks out!) to communicate a timeline for when you will be “offically engaged (with ring) and outside timeline for wedding (up to 18 months out).

And if he says no, then you get to decide if you leave or stick around. If you stick around, you don“t get to complain.

chelle21689's avatar

@zenvelo Thanks, I agree with that plan.

Unofficial_Member's avatar

“He said he wanted to make more money to support a family”

Have you counted all his money? Building a long-lasting family takes a lot of resources, I won’t blame him if he want to prepare/over-prepare for an eventuality that he has agreed upon. Perhaps he’s the old school type that think men are responsible for providing all the finances in their households. If he kept on changing his excuses then I wouldn’t trust him but if he has been dilligent to collect money from the beginning then I’ll trust him (you’re going to use/need that money in the end after all).

If you keep on asking him non-stop then he will feel that you’re pressuring him to do it. I personally wouldn’t question a 7.5 years of relationship just because of my impatience. If one year is too long then 6 months should be a fair middle ground at this point.

chelle21689's avatar

@Unofficial_Member He’s had a steady increase over the past year and another one last month for his birthday which is a $10,000 difference! so I feel like that is why he said “this year”. He also mentioned whenever I’m ready to have a kid since he feels financially ready but I want to wait until we’re married and also travel which he knows.
Honestly I was excited to hear one year but I just been thinking of doubts if he’ll do it by going online and taking in people’s consideration about how it could be a stalling tactic and we should know when exactly.

I’ll try to bring it up again that i think within 6 months. He seemed interested to me. We even talked about wedding likes and dislikes in even more detail and what ring I wanted. Which I don’t care.

chyna's avatar

@unofficial member Waiting for 7.5 years is not being impatient. She has spent 7.5 years with him and is now at the age that she needs/wants a commitment and perhaps a family. If this isn’t what he wants, she has to start all over again with someone new and that could take a long time

Inspired_2write's avatar

He could very well be stalling as he may not be ready for the commitment that marriage is, with the financial responsibilities, having children, being the sole provider etc

As long as he still gets the benefits he will stall.

Instead of issuing him an ultimatum,ask him “when ” he wants to have children ?
That should put a jolt into him and make him realize that YOU could and maybe want to have children long before 35 yrs of age ,as after that it becomes harder and not the optimum time to get pregnant.

This should had been discussed earlier in the relationship?

I knew a beautiful couple whom dated for 7 years and she issued him an ultimatum ,they got married and on their Honeymoon she witnessed him in the Resort pool flirting with several women, who either did not know that he was newly married or didn’t care?
It devastated her but she questioned him saying after “Are you going to be like this during our marriage too?, He responded with “I don’t know”! .
That was a definite time where she realized her mistake in marrying a philanderer.

They stayed together for two years until he met another woman and fell more in love with that women than his now wife. She discovered her husband in bed with that women and soon they were divorced.
BTW he did marry the 2nd women and 16 years later still married and with two kids.
Yes he continued to flirt and more with other women unknown to his 2nd wife too. I guess the husband could not shake the bachelor days and freedom to “play” with other women and probably never will.
Once a philanderer always a philanderer.

Not to say that is your situation, just a warning.

Some stay in a relationship to wait for that one missed opportunity or women of there life, “Just in case”??? Something not quite fulfilled in the present relationship…could be or not..but most times yes. A need not fulfilled?

Ask him about having children and she what his response is? Then ask him IF this relationship is ALL that he needs?
That will determine whether hes afraid or just want to get established financially as the two of you are working?

( But that can be ironed out if first you establish the “when ” to have children ( and thus probably not working, making him the sole provider?)
..his real fear.

chelle21689's avatar

@Inspired_2write See above. He does want kids, this has been discussed before but he wanted more money. Now he says he’s ready but it’s up to me when I am ready because he knows I want to travel first and be married. I’ve already explained to him about the age thing.

Shouldn’t your friend know he was like that in the beginning? My boyfriend has never given me a reason to think he would cheat.

Hawaii_Jake's avatar

Wait until after Valentine’s Day, and then confront him.

chelle21689's avatar

That’s my birthday :D well sorta, 16th! lol

Hawaii_Jake's avatar

I suggest waiting until after your birthday then.

elbanditoroso's avatar

I don’t know about this ‘confront’ strategy. If you ‘confront’ him, will he feel cornered, like he has no choice?

chelle21689's avatar

Not confront but I think I’d ask for a more specific timeline and try to bring it up in conversation. Like if it would be before our vacation in September. I think that’s decent enough for me to be surprise, and yes I know it doesn’t have to be but I would like to be somewhat surprised.

canidmajor's avatar

Some of these responses read like a dating manual from the 50s. Your right to make plans for yourself is as valid as his. If he feels “cornered” by you wanting a reasonable plan, then he’s probably not on the same page as to family and life plans as you are. If he’s happy to keep you “waiting” for a commitment, he doesn’t sound mature enough to commit to a full adult life.
His desire to waffle about all this does not supersede your desire to move into the next phase of your life.

KNOWITALL's avatar

7.5 years is a a lot of time to monopolize you with no ring.

Then again, a lifetime without the love of your life is a long time, too.

Why is your mom/ dad not talking to him about ‘it’s time to move forward or let her go’ ?

It seems a bit cruel to keep you waiting so long, imo.

chelle21689's avatar

@KNOWITALL They’ve been making more “jokes” like for example if I’m blowing out a candle for a wish, my dad will say “wish for marriage!” or when we were in another country and had to pass through thai citizens or foreigner, my dad said outloud he’ll claim him as his son even if not married yet. So just little things like that we’ve been hearing a lot from both sides of the family.

Honestly I was excited to hear this year but now all this talk about how ‘this’ year from everyone being too vague has saddened me. Is it because you guys think I need it more defined such as “before Spring” or “before summer” kind of thing? He seemed interested to me and talked openly about it what we wanted and our plans. We have a great relationship so I don’t know what could be wrong.

KNOWITALL's avatar

@chelle21689 That just shows we (on fluther) are not the only one’s concerned.

I think you have to decide to wait and hush up, or not wait and possibly ruin a good thing.

I’ll give you my example. I was friends with someone for a few years, then we dated and lived together for four more years. I was ready for marriage, he wasn’t. I made the decision to leave as we weren’t progressing where I needed to be. He slept around a few times, and was ready to propose a few months later, said the ring will be on your finger tomorrow if you just come back. Well I didn’t, because I had given him many years of my life, wholeheartedly loving him with all I had, and in the end, he still wanted to sleep around. To me, that is not love, so I went on and married someone else. This guy will always be special to me, but he is not my love, like I needed him to be, because if he was, he would have cared more about my feelings and my needs.

That is my experience, and sometimes I wonder what might have been, but I think I made the right choice for me. You have to decide what’s right for you.

ItalianPrincess1217's avatar

Let me tell you my proposal story. I was so anxious about whether or not he would ever propose, I obsessed over it. I hinted at first. When I couldn’t take it any longer I got crabby and called him out for still not having proposed to me. Turns out he had the ring, he had the plans all set, and I ruined it with my nagging. He busted out the ring from his hiding spot, dropped to one knee in our living room, and proposed right then and there. Oops. Boy did I feel like a jerk. Lesson learned.

My point is, why are you so anxious about it? I understand you’ve waited 7 years but have you asked him recently if he’s still interested in marrying you? If his answer is “Of course”, then drop this nonsense and let him do his thing!

chelle21689's avatar

@ItalianPrincess1217 Yes, he said he still wanted to marry me and sees himself proposing. Like I said, I was excited to finally have an answer that he planned to do it this year on a special date he had in mind. I was coming on to forums to express excitement but then it seemed just about everyone including Fluther had their concerns which makes me concerned. We have a great relationship, we make eachother happy, there’s no red flags like some people with concerns about flirting and cheating…

Hawaii_Jake's avatar

@chelle21689 We are strangers on the internet. We do not know you or him. Ignore us, and go with what you feel in your heart.

chelle21689's avatar

@Hawaii_Jake Lol, true. I’ve always looked to Fluther for advice because everyone’s always been great! Not to say you guys aren’t on this post but I appreciate the feedback here more than other places. So that’s why I’m taking it to heart.

Hawaii_Jake's avatar

@chelle21689 In one of your answers above, you mentioned going through Thai customs. Evidently you are not an American, and I think that everyone else on this thread is. You have different customs than we do, and we cannot tell you how to act in your culture. We are not members of your culture. We are answering as Americans with ideas that may not fit in your culture.

For me, I will only repeat that I think you should give it just a little more time until your birthday. Then have a serious discussion with your boyfriend about his timing. I used the word confront above, and that was not a good choice of words.

I wish you all the best of luck, and I hope you enjoy the excitement of anticipating his proposal.

rebbel's avatar

I answered as a Dutch, for what it is worth.

Hawaii_Jake's avatar

@rebbel I am so sorry! Thank you for pointing out my error.

chelle21689's avatar

I am American. We were just visiting Thailand… We’re Asian American.

KNOWITALL's avatar

@chelle21689 Wait, he is Asian and you’re American, or you’re both Asian American?

Just curious, because like someone else said, there could be cultural dynamics most are not used to. Many of my Asian born friends date Americans but never marry them except a rare circumstance.

chelle21689's avatar

We’re both Asian American.

rebbel's avatar

@Hawaii_Jake Really, no need to apologize, just wanted to let dismiss my Americanness :-)

Inspired_2write's avatar

Unfortunately she did not know or didn’t believe? I think that her husband wasn’t sure even after 7 years of dating etc Like some men they think that if they marry that “what if” they miss the one for them! Obviously he was not certain or something was not right with his as soon as he met “the One” that he met later “he knew” right away! ( don’t ask me what it was or how, but it stirred his feelings for the 2nd women more so than the first wife.( to be fair maybe he tired of her..or it became too routine. who knows?)
I think if your boyfriend proposes it may correlate to the first time that you met and not Valentines day or other? Just wait , how else will it be a surprise if you are expecting it?
Hope it works out well for you two.

chelle21689's avatar

Thanks. I hope so too. Special date stuck out to me as in by our anniversary in a few months. Also could be when we met which is late February like you said. I’ll casually bring it up again to get somewhat an idea. I would be happy if it was before September.

jca2's avatar

Do you want him to do it out of obligation or because he genuinely wants to?

chelle21689's avatar

I want him to want to. He said it was what he wanted. I tried to make sure of that and make clear of it.

rebbel's avatar

What if he doesn’t want to (for the next 45 years)?

chelle21689's avatar

Hey guys, update. He does have a date in mind and it will be before September. He then asked me for my ring size and wants to go look at rings. :)

rebbel's avatar

Let me congratulate you on that news.
You must be thrilled!

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