General Question

sccrowell's avatar

What was the best joke you have ever heard?

Asked by sccrowell (3508points) August 23rd, 2008 from iPhone

Oh yes!!! Don’t forget the punchline!!!

Observing members: 0 Composing members: 0

94 Answers

JackAdams's avatar

I can’t repeat it here. It will get deleted.

August 23, 2008, 7:25 PM EDT

tinyfaery's avatar

A horse walks into a bar.
Bartender asks, why the long face…

sccrowell's avatar

I know the rules… I search out my question before I asked..

Thanks Tiny!

JackAdams's avatar

I’ll just mention the punch line:

“I don’t think I want to do this, 67 more times.”

August 23, 2008, 7:28 PM EDT

sccrowell's avatar

LOL! Sorry for the quick response! I guess I got a little defensive. Please forgive!

wildflower's avatar

Here’s my all-time favorites (they’re really really bad – which is why they’re so good!):

Bar Joke:
“Man walks in to a bar…...........and breaks his nose!”

Canary Joke:
“Q: What does a 40pound canary say?
A: [in a loud, deep voice]: Tweet!!!”

Skyrail's avatar

Erm, I don’t know of any jokes that have been told to me directly that I find pretty funny, however, as some may have picked up, I find Bill Bailey very funny, and I find this paticular video to be very funny indeed. I laugh every time I see his videos, even if this is the 3rd time I watched it. Today. However I guess comedians only appeal to certain people and such.

buster's avatar

Why can’t two Chinese people have a white baby? Because two Wong’s don’t make a white.

SuperMouse's avatar

What did zero say to eight? “I like your belt.”

Credit for that joke goes to my wonderful niece Cecildooderbop

buster's avatar

Why was 6 scared of 7? Because 7,8,9.

argaudette's avatar

I apologize now if I offend anyone, don’t take it seriously and lighten up, I’m christian myself.

What’s the difference between Jesus Christ and a picture of Jesus Christ.

It only takes one nail to hang the picture up.

JackAdams's avatar

Stand by for your house to be picketed…

August 23, 2008, 9:08 PM EDT

SuperMouse's avatar

If you are American outside the restroom, what are you inside the restroom? Ur A Peein!

JackAdams's avatar

[groans & vomits]

August 23, 2008, 9:15 PM EDT

augustlan's avatar

Favorite silly kid joke: Where does Napolean keep his armies?...In his sleevies!

simone54's avatar

Why do mice have small balls?

because most of them can’t dance very well.

delirium's avatar

What do you get when you pour boiling water down a rabbit hole?

hot cross bunnies

nina's avatar

What did the judge say to the dentist?
“The tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth”

Harp's avatar

What does an insomniac agnostic dyslexic do?

Lies awake at night wondering if there is a dog.

Trustinglife's avatar

Two gurus met after a long absence. One asked, “Have you read my latest book on levitation?”

The other said, “Of course i did! It kept me up all night!”

Bri_L's avatar

I pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel down the front of his pants. He walks up to the bar and says “give me a beer”. The bartender says ok and gives him a beer, noticing the wheel down the front of the buccaneers trousers. After a while the bartender can’t stand it any longer and says to the pirate “hey bud, do you know you have a steering wheel down the front of your pants?” The pirate says “y’argh, I do and it’s driving me nuts!”

Bri_L's avatar

and for the kids:

knock knock

who’s there

interrupting cow

interrupting co…....


sndfreQ's avatar

Q: What’s the difference between In-laws and Outlaws?

A: Outlaws are wanted.

btw I love my in-laws…just think it’s a good joke

Trustinglife's avatar

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese!

I guess that’s more of a witty saying than a joke, but I like it anyway.

JackAdams's avatar

Little Billy shows up at Mrs. Jones’ house on Halloween, wearing a pirate outfit.

She compliments him on it, and asks, “Where are your buccaneers?”

Little Billy responds, “Underneath my BUCKIN’ HAT.”

August 24, 2008, 8:13 AM EDT

susanc's avatar

A duck walks into a bar, hops up on a barstool and asks the bartender, “Got any grapes?” “Nope,” says the bartender. “This is a bar. Go down the street to the grocery store.” Duck leaves.
Next day the duck walks back in, hops up on a barstool and asks the bartender, “Got any grapes?” Bartender says “No, and please don’t ask me for grapes again, I already told you, we don’t serve grapes here.” Duck leaves. Next day the duck walks back in, hops up on a barstool, asks, “Got any grapes?”
Bartender is annoyed. He says, “No, and if you come in here again and ask for grapes, I’m going to nail your beak to the bar.”
Duck leaves. The next day it walks in again, hops up on its barstool, and asks, “Got any nails?” “No!” says the bartender. “No! and what are you doing here?”
Duck says, “Got any grapes?”

wrestlemaniac's avatar

I only know this one right now, A black man and a Hispanic are in a car, who’s driving….the cop. (waiting for the blow)

wrestlemaniac's avatar

here’s an other one, you go ahead and fluther slap me if you don’t like this joke, but here goes, One day a blond woman walks into a store and asks the guy at the front if they sell crocodile shoes,and the guy said no, so the woman walks into another store and bought a shotgun, and left. hours later the same man who she asked about the shoes saw her waist deep in a swamp, seconds later she took aim and shot a crocodile, she dragged the beast to a pile where there where others and flipped him over, “Damn it this one doesn’t have any shoes as well!! ” so she went on with her task at hand.

wrestlemaniac's avatar

Here’s my last one, one day god an Adam were walking in the garden of eden, adam asked, god why did you make eve so beautiful, so you can always look at her, then adam asked god why did you make eve so soft, so you can always touch her, then adam said god i don’t want to seem ungrateful but why did you make her so stupid, then god said so she will always love you. (wincing for the blow)

JackAdams's avatar

The only joke that is known to exist about the late Green Bay (WI) Packers coach Vince Lombardi (1913–70) is this one:

One winter night in his home, Coach Lombardi slides into his bed next to his wife Marie, and his ice-cold feet touch her body, startling her.

She screams, “God, your feet are cold!”

He replies, “Come on, baby. When we are alone like this, you can call me ‘Vince’.”

August 24, 2008, 9:11 AM EDT

roadventer's avatar

There are three kinds of people in this world: those who can count, and those who can’t.

susanc's avatar

roadventure, that’s no joke, that’s something George W Bush says.

simone54's avatar

Wrestlemanic. Nobody is gonna get on your case because your jokes weren’t funny.

wrestlemaniac's avatar

That was part of the joke…...

judyprays's avatar

I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said ‘No.’

-woody allen

dalepetrie's avatar

I got one sure to offend and disgust, so if you’re easily offended and/or disgusted, read no further. However if you like morbid, disgusting, sick, perverted, twisted humor, read on:

A guy walks into a brothel, pulls out $5,000 and says “gimme your best gal.” The madame walks upstairs, the guy sits down in the parlor and sees a rather “unusual” snack sitting on the table…a bowl full of fresh tomatoes. He figures the nutrients will give him that extra boost, so he grabs one and brings it up to his mouth. As he sinks his teeth into it, he hears a blood curtling scream, causing him to swallow the bite in his mouth without even tasting it, and drop the tomato on the floor. He looks up to see a buxom blonde running away from him up the staircase.

He thinks she’s a bit off her rocker and is glad he didn’t end up with her. Now where was he? Oh yeah, he was going to eat one of those tomatoes, but his has smashed on the floor. He figures for 5 grand, they’ll clean up the mess, so he grabs another, brings it to his mouth and sinks his teeth in, just as he hears another blook curtling scream. Again he swallows his bite without tasting and drops this tomato, looks up and sees a gorgeous brunette high tailing it up the stairs. He begins to wonder what in the world is wrong with these women.

So, he composes himself, grabs a third tomato, takes a deep breath and takes a big bite, just as he hears a third blood curtling scream. This time he sees a knockout redhead running up the stairs, and he’s had it up to here. He’s about to take his 5 grand down the street to another establishment, so he sets his third once bitten, never tasted tomato (which he managed not to drop this time) on the table, gets up from his seat and begins to walk up the stairs.

As he’s walking up, the madame is walking down, and before he can yell at her, she yells at him, “what the hell have you been doing to my girls? I got 3 of my best ladies up there catatonic and shaking, they can’t even SPEAK.”

This offends him further, he says, “my lady, I don’t know what in tarnation is wrong with them gals. I was just trying to build up my energy, I sat down right over there and was TRYIN’ to eat one of them there tomatos you got in that bowl.”

“Oh my GAWD,” the madame says, “those aren’t tomoatos, those are last week’s abortions.”

Response moderated (Spam)
wrestlemaniac's avatar

DP I can read that while eating.

dalepetrie's avatar

hopefully something with tomatos in it!

wrestlemaniac's avatar

i was eating a salad.

dalepetrie's avatar

A young, beautiful woman marries a rich, 98 year old man for his money, thinking she’ll make his heart give out on their wedding night and it will all be hers. So the wedding night comes, and they have retired to their honeymoon suite. She is laying in bed with a revealing Victoria’s Secret nightie on, and she looks at her new husband and says, “why don’t you come to bed, honey?” He tells her to wait just a moment while he gets ready, and heads to the bathroom. Five minutes later, the old man comes out, wearing nothing but a condom, a set of ear plugs, and a set of nose plugs.

She says, “what in the world are you doing?”

To which he replies, “if there’s two things I can’t stand, it’s the sound of a screaming woman and the smell of burning rubber.”

dalepetrie's avatar

sorry ‘bout that wrestlemaniac!

wrestlemaniac's avatar

Hey I can stomach anything, go ahead give your worst, you ever see 2 girls and a cup.

dalepetrie's avatar

A guy at a bar goes up the bartender and says, “I got a little wager for you if you’re interested.”

“Go on,” says the bartender.

“Alright, you take this shot glas and set it on the far end of the bar. I’m going to stand on this end of the bar…that’s what, about 20 feet away?”

“Yep, that’s about right.”

“OK, and I’m gonna whip it out, and take a whiz all the way from this end of the bar, and fill the shot glass all the way over on that end of the bar. Fifty bucks says I can do it.”

“You’re on,” says the bartender.

So the guy whips it out and proceeds to urinate all over the bar. He gets it everywhere, everywhere that is, except for the shot glass. So, he finishes, lays a $50 bill on the bar and starts to walk away with a big smile on his face.

Another person sitting at the bar stops him, “hey buddy, what you so happy about, you just lost 50 bucks?”

The guy replies, “see those 3 guys sitting over there? Well, I just bet each of them $100 I could piss all over the bar and the bartender would wipe it up with a smile on his face.”

dalepetrie's avatar

wrestlemaniac, I don’t know about the 2 girls and a cup. But I’ve got another one to gross you out, I’ll post next.

dalepetrie's avatar

A guy walks into a bar and sees this huge gallon sized jar of brown liquid, next to a gallon sized jar filled with $1 bills. He asks the bartender what the jars are for and the bartender says, “the brown liquid is our spitoon, if you want to use it, you have to throw $1 in the money jar. But just to make it interesting, if you can take a drink out of the spitoon without throwing up, you get all the money in the money jar.

The customer says, “I’ve got a pretty strong stomach, I’ll try to take a sip.”

The bartender says, “many have tried, all have failed, but good luck,” and hands the customer the spit jar.

The customer proceeds to bring the jar to his lips and he drinks, and gulps, and swallows, and drinks the entire gallon of rancid brown liquid, wipes off his lips and says to the barkeep, “I’ll have my money now.”

The bartender says, “sure, here you go…but you know, I’d have given you the money if you’d just taken one sip, you didn’t need to drink the whole thing!”

The customer says, “I know, but I couldn’t help it…it all went down in one big chunk.”

wrestlemaniac's avatar

Wasn’t the bartender one from a movie? and I’m still eating with a straight face.

dalepetrie's avatar

Never saw that movie if it was, just a joke I remember from way back.

dalepetrie's avatar

I kinda figured if you could eat through the tomato joke, the spitoon one wouldn’t do much, but had to try it!

Response moderated
wrestlemaniac's avatar

Almost but Hey, I’ll give you a challenge Give me the most disgusting joke you know, PM it to meand I’ll let you know if I feel queasy, and I’ll give you five lurve for every joke you made here so far. what do say you in?

wrestlemaniac's avatar

here’s a good faith one.

dalepetrie's avatar

I can do that, I’ll have to see if I know an even grosser joke than that, but I’ll do my best!

Darknymph's avatar

Oh my god!!! Gross you disgust me.

dalepetrie's avatar

You’re welcome.

Darknymph's avatar

It’s not a Compliment, and Wrestle you seem familiar.

wrestlemaniac's avatar

Still waiting Dale, and No I don’t think i know you Dark, but welcome.

dalepetrie's avatar

I’m trying to think if I know one worse than the ones I already told…might take me a while to spark my memory. I mean, what’s more disgusting than eating week old aborted fetuses?

Darknymph's avatar

*****goes to the bathroom***** I have a semi weak stomach!!!!!!!!!!

wildflower's avatar

the excessive use of *‘s does look somewhat familiar….

Darknymph's avatar

Yes, I took that from Necro and Wrestle (outside of fluther I know em trust me), but hey they are not going to be to much trouble now that I’m around, I’ll keep a leash on them.

wildflower's avatar

You sure you want to be announcing your association with them two in public?

Darknymph's avatar

I can’t lie about my friends and if you are type of person that makes stereotypes about others for some reason stupid, then I was wrong about this place, I also tend to be an honest person, and if being a friend to those two gets me shunned so be it (they happen to be my only ones), I will be still be honest.

wrestlemaniac's avatar

awww I never knew how much she cared.

wildflower's avatar

@darknymph: I admire your faith in friendship!
My comment was a tad tongue-in-cheek, which I’m sure you detected. I don’t have any particularly strong feelings about these two one way or the other, but do question the value-add of individuals who insist they are pro-wrestlers, shades, several hundred years old – yet don’t know the difference between a decade and century….

Darknymph's avatar

Listen you don’t want me to unleash them, so don’t….okay?

wildflower's avatar

Excuse me? Don’t what, exactly?? What are two 17 year olds going to do to me, except influence my decision to stop participating on Fluther?
I’m not sure how familiar you are with this site, but it isn’t an after-school nanny-substitute, but supposedly a place for people to ask, answer and discuss questions that they have on their minds…

Darknymph's avatar


wildflower's avatar

Is this now your personal tree-house for you and your friends?????? Since F”#€ing when??
I don’t have to be friends with them and I am entirely free to express my opinions whatever they may be. I am not insulting them, but also not appreciating most of their “contributions” (never have I used the word so loosely) on Fluther!

wrestlemaniac's avatar

Shut your mouth WildCat!!!, and yes I might be a little extreme But YOU have just crossed Extreme, Dark?

Darknymph's avatar

That’s sweet of you, but don’t get yourself in more trouble than you are already in, let me sort things out, and Wildflower sorry about snapping at you.

wildflower's avatar

How exactly? Because I get upset at someone telling me to behave to keep you and your buddy from getting upset?

Have I threatened you? No
Have I given you ultimatums? No
Have I said you shouldn’t contribute when/if you have value to add? No

I have however expressed that I don’t particularly appreciate a forum that used to be an interesting exchange of opinions, insights, expertise and more, becoming an after-school hang-out for you lot and the rest of us are being told to tip-toe around it! Seriously dude! Grow up!!

richardhenry's avatar

[Fluther Moderator:] End of argument, please. This isn’t going anywhere.

Darknymph's avatar

Wild? you know this will make things worse, they have already mobilized a Fluther invasion army, right? you’re only speeding things up, and to Fluther Mod, this was the last say on this, sorry.

wildflower's avatar

end of something, alright!

dalepetrie's avatar

Sounds like time for another joke to lighten the mood.

Three strings walk into a bar, the first string goes up to the bartender and says, “gimme a Stroh’s”. The bartenders says, “I’m sorry, I don’t serve Stroh’s to strings.” He goes back to the table and tells the other two strings what happened, and the second string, acting all tough says, “let me handle this.” So he goes up to the bartender and says “Barkeep, I DEMAND you give me 3 Stroh’s,” to which the bartender says, “sorry, but I dont’ serve Stroh’s to strings.” He goes back to the table and says “no dice”, so the third string says, “let me take care of this.” He pulls a razor out of his pocket and starts to shave down little ends from the top of his head, so it looks like there are 30 or 40 smaller strings up there. Then he grabs the jumbled up mess of strings, loops it around and under and ties it all into a knot. He goes up to the bartender and says, “gimme 3 Stroh’s.” The bartender says, “sure thin….hey WAIT a minute, aren’t you a string?” The string replies, “no, I’m a frayed knot.”

SuperMouse's avatar

A duck walks into a drugstore and says “give me some chapstick and put it on my bill.”

Bri_L's avatar

two guys walk into a bar

the third one ducks

dalepetrie's avatar

A frog walks into a bank, and goes up to the teller who has a nametag which says “Patricia Wack” on her desk He says, “excuse me, Ms. Wack, my name is Kermit Jagger. I am the son of Mick Jagger, and I would like to borrow $30,000.” She looks at the frog and says, “got any collateral?” The frog pulls out a small statue of a jade elephant, and says, “just this.” The teller says, “just a moment,” and she goes over to the bank manager.

She says, “sir, that frog over there says his name is Kermit Jagger and his father is Mick Jagger, he wants a loan for $30,000, but he has no collateral…all he gave me is this…this…thing,..what is this?”

The bank manager replies, “Why it’s a nick nack, Patty Wack, give the frog a loan. His old man’s a Rolling Stone.”

dalepetrie's avatar

An aligator walks into a bar and gets kind of drunk. He points to a rather provocatively dressed young lady at the end of the bar and says to his buddies, “I’m gonna eat that bar bitch.” The bartender says, “hey buddy, I won’t have you talking ‘bout my patrons that way.” The aligator pipes down, but after a few more drinks, he points to her again and says, “I think I’m gonna go eat that bar bitch.” The bartender yells at him and says one more time and he’s gonna have to kick him out of the bar. So the aligator has a few more drinks, then gets up, walks over to the woman and swallows her whole. He then proceeds to pass out cold. When he wakes up, his buddies are fanning him, he’s all bleary eyed and says, “what happened?’ To which one of his buddies replies, “musta been that bar bitch you ate.”

Get it?


dalepetrie's avatar

In an small village there lived a race of people known as the Trids. The Trids needed to cross the bridge to get water to fill their well. One day as the Trids tried to cross the bridge, a giant troll came out from under the bridge and started kicking the Trids. They kept trying to cross but to no avail. Every day the same thing happened. So they went to the wisest man in their village, a Rabbi, and asked him if he could help them figure a way to get across the bridge. The Rabbi agreed and went to the bridge with the Trids. The Rabbi crossed the bridge with no troll kicking him and said to the Trids, “it’s fine, come across.” But as soon as the Trids tried to cross, the troll came out and kicked them all. The Rabbi looked at the troll and said, “Mr. Troll, why do you kick the Trids, but you do not kick me when I try to cross the bridge.” To which the troll replied, “Silly Rabbi, kicks are for Trids.”

dalepetrie's avatar

There in lies my trilogy of very bad puns, hope you enjoyed it, I’ll be here all week.

Bri_L's avatar

A guy has spent the whole night drinking. Finally he decides to go home before his wife gets mad. He goes to get off the bar stool and collapses to the floor. “Whoa, I must really be drunk. Maybe if drag myself for a while I will sober up a bit.” So the gentleman gets outside the bar and gives standing up another go but when he lets go of the fence he steadied himself with he drops to the ground. “Sheeeshh. Its a good thing I live a block away” he says and proceeds to drag himself home. Finally, upon arriving at his front stoop he gives it one last try and stands up only to drop right to the ground again. “AH forget it” he says and falls off asleep. The next morning his wife wakes him up, yelling “wake up you good for nothing drunk”. “Im not drunk I just locked myself out of the house” the guy said. “Your drunk and I know, the bartender called, you left your wheelchair at the pub again last night!”

jamjar's avatar

Did anyone hear about the midget that got robbed of his wallet whilst walking down the street??

How could anyone stoop that low

Bri_L's avatar

Welcome jamjar.

Awesome joke!!!

jamjar's avatar

Thanks Bri_L!

Response moderated (Spam)
dalepetrie's avatar

papa0so, I actually was telling that joke for about 10 years before Desperado came out

Response moderated (Spam)
dalepetrie's avatar

Two guys are out hunting and one says, “oh man, I gotta take a crap.”

“So? Go do it, already,” replies the other hunter.

”...but I didn’t bring any toilet paper,” the first guy informs his friend.

“So, do you gotta dollar on ya?”


“well, wipe your ass on that.”

So the guy goes behind a bush and comes out with shit all over his hands.

“What’s the matter with you?” Ask his friend. “Didn’t you have a dollar, or what?”

To which the guy replies, “Why don’t YOU try wiping YOUR ass on 3 quarters, 2 dimes and a nickel?”

Bri_L's avatar

Nice one! hehehe

A guy goes to his doctor with a cold so the doctor gives him two pills.

The guy comes back the next week and still has the cold so the doctor gives him a shot.

The guy comes back the next week and still has the cold sot the doctor says ok here is what I want you to do. Take a nice hot shower. Then go into a room open all the windows and stand wet and naked in the cold draft.

The guy says “but doc I will catch pneumonia!”

The doc say “I know! That I can cure!”

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