What would be your opening lines when for whatever reason you find yourself about to do a stand-up comedy in front eight thousand people?

“I suppose you are wondering why I called you all here.”

I guess this isn’t the way to the washroom?

(Pointing to an audience member) “Are you chewing gum? Did you bring enough for everyone?”

I’ve been told stand up comedy would not be an option for me (gestures to seated position in wheelchair), but what do doctors know about comedy?

<crickets>

“What’s the deal with those non-comedians all of a sudden, performing for 8000 people?”

“Hi everybody,I am here to talk about??? Hmmm what was it? Oh , yes it was about memory loss!” lol

“Whoa, what a huge crowd! I am always so nervous in front of so many people, so I have to imagine you all naked.”
That is my opening line at an elementary school event.

“Holy crap! How the f—k did I get here?”

I am told that air conditioning is functioning poorly tonight, and as a result the only fresh air coming in is from the open doors. So, we are going to try something to conserve.
Right now, all ladies hold your breath, and men breathe normally. When I say switch, switch.
So, when I was young, I had a favorite teacher. Show of hands, did any of you have a favorite teacher? When I was in the fourth grade, no, maybe fifth… it couldn’t have been sixth because we moved that year, probably fourth, yeah okay. Oh! Switch.

“So you lot actually paid to come see me, only reason i’d pay to see you is if I downloaded your snuff movie”

Goodness, good evening Fluther, only 8,000, I’m surprised more people don’t know about it.

My name is Pinguid Chance and I’m privileged not only to be here, but in general.

Lovely to mix with the hoi polloi for a change, one does so tire of the hoi oligoi.

No offense of course Fluther, but really do you ever read what your sistren and brethren bollocks up?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FxUMZY1rXKk

Funny stuff, that.