How do I handle a friend making subtle putdowns?

Is your friend very heavy, and likes everyone to be eating when she is eating similar to alcoholics like everyone drinking when they are drinking.

If you are normal weight, which you say above, then just say something back next time like, “why are you so focused on how much I eat?” If her response is unfeeling say you would prefer she “doesn’t say anything anymore about it.” She can’t read your mind, say what you need or want.

Especially if you are a female this is a lesson. Being polite, and letting people make you feel bad about yourself only goes so far, and then at some point you need to be self assured and “protect” yourself. This goes to communicating when you are uncomfortable with what someone says to you, when they touch you, when they stand too close, etc. even for men also, but men usually have less trouble speaking up.

If you actually are very thin and in denial, she’s saying it because she is worried about it. She’s not doing it in the right way, but still worried. I have a friend who doesn’t eat much and she was anorexic for many years. She isn’t skinny anymore, but out at restaurants she still eats like a bird.

You have options that range from polite to potentially mean. What style you choose is up to you.

If you have the opportunity to speak to her alone, tell her politely that her comments make you feel uncomfortable and you need her to stop saying these things. Repeat this to anything she says, except “I won’t do that any more.” This will work better as an in person conversation. No matter what other things she says in the course of the conversation, don’t go off topic. She may try to deflect with comments about your weight, your health, etc. NONE of those things are her business. Simply repeat that her comments make you uncomfortable and you need her to stop saying them. No matter what tangent she tries to go on, and she will, stick to the subject. Once she says that she will stop, thank her. Use her name during the conversation. You would be surprised the impact that has. Then hold her to it at dinner the next time you go out. Remind her that she agreed to stop commenting of your eating habits.

Another option to try takes place during your night out. When she makes her first comment, look her in the eye and politely, firmly, say, “XXXX, your comments about how much I eat are unnecessary and upsetting. I must ask you to stop.” When/if she objects, stick to what you said.

Option three: “I didn’t realize that you are the food police. I know I’ve not committed any food violations, so you’re trying to give me a citation without cause.” Any upset on her part requires you to react calmly and go immediately back to the point of her remarks making you feel uncomfortable.

Option four: After she makes her first comment, respond with something equally rude. For example, if she says something like “are you even eating your food?” respond with something like, “Did you forget to comb your hair?” When she acts startled/surprised/angry/whatever, your response can be, “Oh, I thought we were asking rude and unnecessary questions at dinner tonight.” (Obviously, you can come up with your own rude question.) The hope is that she will understand your discomfort and finally shut up about how you eat.

Options three and four have backfire potential if you don’t remain calm. Be prepared to sit in an uncomfortable silence. It might not be easy, so remind yourself that she has been rude to you and you need to have her stop.

I’m interested to know how your friends react when she makes these comments to you.

I had a similar issue with a couple different friends, only it was about shopping for clothes. They are bigger girls and always made snide comments about the sizes I was looking at. Comments like “I couldn’t get my calf in those pants. Are we in teen sizes?” On and on to where I didn’t feel like shopping with them. So instead of taking up for myself, I just don’t shop with them.

This person doesn’t sound like much of a friend. Maybe it’s time for a new one. One that accepts you as you are.

I think I’d ask her “Why are you so obsessed with the way that I eat?” & then look her in the eyes as you wait for a response. She’ll probably claim that she isn’t & you counter that with “You sure seem to be & I really wish that you’d STOP it because it bugs the crap out of me!!!” By asking her to “look” when you take a bite, she’s probably seeing it as a validation that you “need” her to help you. How is she to know that it bothers you IF you don’t express yourself???

It takes 2 people to have a friendship & IF she doesn’t stop after you ask her to, I think I’d be looking for a new friend!!!

Eating slow is much healthier than rapid stuffing the mouth.
Gluttonous eating leads to weight problems and dysfunctional stomach and intestinal activity.

When you have an opportunity to speak with her alone and in person, let her know that you have healthy eating habits, and you find her comments hurtful and annoying.

You haven’t done anything wrong, and you should not be made to feel ashamed.