General Question

wildpotato's avatar

What is it like being friends with your ex?

Asked by wildpotato (15011points) May 31st, 2019 from iPhone

Have you found it more rewarding than painful?

How long were you not friends, post-breakup, before it felt ok to spend time together again?

Has friendship led to getting back together, either romantically or physically? If it hasn’t, do you hope it does?

(Saucy deets: recently broke up with my fiance of 14 years. A friend has been advising me against trying to renew friendship with my ex. I don’t see a downside, but am willing to admit I know nothing about this. So, hoping you guys have some experience to share.)

Also, hi! It’s nice to see you all :)

Observing members: 0 Composing members: 0

8 Answers

Inspired_2write's avatar

After 11 years of marriage I divorced my husband and at first seemed like a friendship as he was being nice and all of a sudden paying attention to me…too bad I had enough and kept it only in regards to visitation rights and setting up times if other than stated in the divorce custody agreement.
He tried to get close ( romantically) but was not sincere and only interested in saving money.
He was clueless in the marriage as well as after the divorce too.
His problems were deeper than I could fix even with a counselor.
We married too young and I wished that I had a more independent youth and lifestyle before I married.
Not a good idea especially if its your partner that does not want the breakup..keep it at arms length as whatever happened to break up the marriage will not miraculously disappear.

MrGrimm888's avatar

It’s a recipe for inevitable disaster…

gorillapaws's avatar

Nice to see you back after so long! I’m very sorry to hear about your relationship. I think humans and relationships are inherently complicated and unique. That makes it difficult to answer a question like this in universal terms. That said, I tend to agree with @Inspired_2write. There’s a reason things fell apart, and whatever force that was, it was strong enough to break apart a long-term bond. Generally I would suggest taking some time for yourself to heal and keeping a healthy distance.

Sending positive vibes and good wishes your way.

JLeslie's avatar

Is your ex the ex-fiancé? Or, a different ex before the fiancé?

In my opinion if you dated someone a long time, let’s say a year or more, you have to be broken up at least two years to even think about being friends. In fact, I think no contact for two years is good if possible. Then, if you have zero interest in him as a date or boyfriend, and you are happy to know his new girlfriend or wife, then probably you can be friends.

Just my opinion.

Dog's avatar

It all depends on the maturity level of both parties. I married my best friend from high school and we eventually divorced. It was absolutely amicable.

zenvelo's avatar

I was in a relationship with a woman from 2006 to the end of 2012. At that time she moved 200 miles away for a really good job opportunity; I was not in a position to move. It was difficult, but we had to split up.

We both have found new partners, but stay in touch and see each other every couple of months. She will always be a part of my life.

janbb's avatar

My relationship with my Ex has evolved over the years. We have grown children together. It was a painful divorce as I didn’t see it coming but we were never irrationally angry with each other. It was hard to see him for a while for me and took a lot of courage on my part not to show my vulnerability. He is remarried with step children so that is another wrinkle.

For a time, there were some family issues that we were both concerned over so we were in contact in a cordial way around that. We would have lunch together a few times a year and email or talk at times. It got easier.

Now our lives are more separate and I am more indifferent to him as I realize his basic indifference to me and what he never was able to express toward me. I can see him with some equanimity and care about him still – but not as much.

I would advise not focusing about being friends for a time and working on growing your own life but not arbitrarily precluding contact in the future. If you are in touch with your feelings and honor them, it should evolve organically.

Good luck! Break ups are a blow.

Response moderated (Spam)

Answer this question




to answer.

This question is in the General Section. Responses must be helpful and on-topic.

Your answer will be saved while you login or join.

Have a question? Ask Fluther!

What do you know more about?
Knowledge Networking @ Fluther