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bell0804's avatar

[NSFW] Can anyone in the kink community help with a scene problem?

Asked by bell0804 (39points) 2 months ago

My husband and I are new to BDSM and have been experimenting a lot in the last few months. Last night after he got his thing done he was pushing for me to finish (which hasn’t happened yet). I was enjoying what was happening until I felt a pressure build up and got scared. I used the safe word yellow to let him know I was reaching a close limit. He gave me a break and started I’m again but a bit more intense. Quickly I could no longer handle it and I said the stop word red. He immediately stopped and I felt defeated. He got up to go to the hall for a towel and as soon as he hit the door frame I was sobbing. I don’t understand why I cried or felt so depressed, he was barely gone a minute. He came right back to me and went into aftercare which lasted a good hour. Did something happen wrong, am I being ridiculous, or how do we help this in the future? I have never cried before.

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11 Answers

Irukandji's avatar

From your description, it doesn’t look like anything happened “wrong.” But that doesn’t mean you are being ridiculous. You’re engaging in activities designed to unleash powerful emotions, so it is never ridiculous to feel those emotions after a scene. You are also unleashing powerful chemicals: endorphins and adrenaline. Playing around with them can be very rewarding, but sometimes it can be more than we can handle.

A lot of people cry after scenes. Sometimes it’s a cathartic release. But when a scene doesn’t give us the release we were expecting, the chemical crash can leave us feeling unpleasantly drained. It sounds like you are blaming yourself. I’m not going to tell you how to feel about the scene. You get to feel however you feel, and no one should tell you differently. But I will say that you are much better off calling things to a stop when you need to than trying to tough it out.

So how do you “help” this in the future? First, keep in mind that you’re still in the early stages. You’re experimenting! That’s a lot of fun, but not everything is going to proceed exactly the way you expect it to right away. This isn’t a failure. It’s a learning experience. It may even be a training experience. You can’t expect your body to go from zero to 60 right away (and a partner who expects you to be able to do that needs to adjust their expectations).

Also, you can reflect on your crying and your depressed feeling. Just because they happened at the same time doesn’t mean they happened for the same reason. The crying might be coming from the endorphins while the depressed feeling might be coming from the adrenaline crash. This means that they might not always occur together. It also means that they might just be physical reactions and not about the content of the scene itself. In the future, you can try to separate your feelings about the scene from your body’s readjustment to normality. It’s your feelings about the scene that matters (unless your readjustment is so severe that you don’t want to keep going through it).

Lastly, would you prefer that your aftercare started immediately? Maybe your husband should have stayed with you for a bit before leaving. It’s completely fair to ask for that, especially after needing the stop word. Like I said, the crying might have just been a physical reaction. But even still, you might have felt better about it if he was there with you. Or maybe not. Only you can answer that question for yourself. But it’s something to think about.

MrGrimm888's avatar

Sounds like a trial, and error thing. Inevitably, there will be failed attempts, but with lots of communication, it could eventually be whatever you are after…

LadyMarissa's avatar

I don’t see anything that 2 adults enjoy doing with each other as being a “kink”..it’s simply 2 consenting adults enjoying each others company!!!

i think your reaction was very normal considering the emotional & physical changes you were experiencing at the time!!!

Irukandji's avatar

@LadyMarissa “Kink” is about whether something is conventional, not whether it is consensual.

Hawaii_Jake's avatar

@Irukandji Your first answer is really well done.

Dutchess_lll's avatar

May I ask whose idea it was?

bell0804's avatar

@Dutchess_lll the whole evening started with me acting out which led to punishment. After that the after care led to sex then this event was immediately following.

gorillapaws's avatar

I’m not “in the kink community” but it sounds like you’ve got a partner who respects your boundaries and that you can trust. It sounds like a good foundation for any partnership (sexual or otherwise). @Irukandji had a really thoughtful response. It is my understanding that the pain/pleasure stuff is kind of deliberately messing with your brain chemistry (not unlike how some drugs can affect you). Given this it’s not at all surprising that you had an emotional response to an experience like you had.

The only advice I can offer is to listen to yourself, don’t feel pressured to do things you aren’t comfortable with and take things at your own pace. Best wishes.

Dutchess_III's avatar

I meant, whose idea was the bdsm over all, not just the one evening.

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