Social Question

Dutchess_III's avatar

Ladies: If you had a good, loving man who you could trust, who you had fun with, who was your best friend, would you leave him if he became uninterested in sex?

Asked by Dutchess_III (40064points) 3 weeks ago

As asked.

Observing members: 0 Composing members: 0

38 Answers

KNOWITALL's avatar

Possibly. I know a lot of married people who never get touched and haven’t for decades, but they stay married.

JLeslie's avatar

Is he still cuddly and grabbing and fun? I’d stay.

ragingloli's avatar

That is when one buy toys or machines.
Just do not ask him to buy you a pony, that could be suspicious.

Dutchess_III's avatar

Yes. He is still cuddly and grabby and fun. He’s your best friend plus.

Zaku's avatar

(Are the yes answers above actually expressed backwards for the question? i.e. “If he’s cuddly, then yes… I’d leave him?”)

ARE_you_kidding_me's avatar

Reverse the roles, this is a surprising percentage of men…and they usually stay. Good company is pretty valuable to us, even sans sex.

Dutchess_lll's avatar

@Zaku….I was answering @JLeslie‘s question.

Dutchess_lll's avatar

That’s good to hear @ARE_you_kidding_me. Thanks.

Patty_Melt's avatar

Sounds positively ideal. Where do I get one of those?

YARNLADY's avatar

I thank my lucky stars, we both agree.

JLeslie's avatar

@Zaku Both @ARE_you_kidding_me literally wrote we would stay. I’m not sure why you are unsure what we meant.

jca2's avatar

I think it’s not uncommon for hormone levels to decrease (in all genders) and physical changes occur to make sexual activity unappealing or difficult for many except the most determined.

JLeslie's avatar

This reminds me of a story I heard from a relative about Viagra. That when Viagra came out a lot of women were annoyed that their husband’s wanted to have more sex again. I know plenty of older women who still want to have sex, but the Viagra was changing the pattern the couples had developed over time, and it was not always welcome.

KNOWITALL's avatar

I’m actually stunned at the answers here. So none of you really consider a healthy sexual life as essential in a relationship, okay I get that I guess, but isn’t it more ideal to have one? Not only for the physical needs, but intimacy, etc…?

jca2's avatar

I think it is more ideal to have one, but the question was “would you leave him if he became uninterested in sex?”

KNOWITALL's avatar

@jca2 Yes but “make sexual activity unappealing or difficult for many except the most determined.”

I don’t feel that way at all, nor do I know many under 60 who feel that way.

jca2's avatar

If my spouse (if I had one) were not able to have sex or didn’t want sex, would I leave him if everything else was ok? Probably not. Ideally, he could have sex and would want sex, yes.

KNOWITALL's avatar

@jca2 lol, good deal. I just know a lot of women that complain about the lack of intimacy, as they age.

ARE_you_kidding_me's avatar

If couples always threw in the towel when the sex dropped off there would not be much family stability. When you grow old with your spouse they just become family. You just need each other for other forms of intimacy. If that’s not there then sex or not it’s not a good relationship. Many relationships start shallow but evolve. When I say shallow I mean men will love women for what they are and women will love men for what they can do for them mature relationships go past this.

Dutchess_III's avatar

Women in general complain about the lack of intimacy well before they start aging. I got so freaking frustrated after I got married the first time. My husband’s attitude toward sex changed completely. His attitude was “If I want sex, we have sex.” No more flirting or foreplay or fun or intimacy. Just “Ya wanna fool around?” wink wink at 10:31 every night, the instant the news was over.
I put a stop to that bullshit real fast. Of course, then I “never want to have fun any more,” I’m frigid, a bitch, blah blah blah.

KNOWITALL's avatar

@Dutchess_III With my husbands health issues, I’ve been left frustrated. Guess I’m on the opposite side of the coin. Yes, I love him, he’s a great guy, but it’s a struggle sometimes for me to pretend it doesn’t affect me or the marriage, because it does. A lot.

Dutchess_III's avatar

I didn’t say anything about affecting the marriage. I just asked if you would leave him. I guess your answer is also “No, I would not,” since you’re living it.

Zaku's avatar

@JLeslie Huh, was there an edit? When I wrote that, I was thinking I had just read at least a couple of answers saying “yes” but seeming to mean “stay”, but today I am not seeing that (and one was Dutchess’ reply to you), so I guess I was somehow confusing myself by mis-reading things.

KNOWITALL's avatar

@Dutchess_III I’m not sure which is better, yours with no foreplay and no romance, or mine with a platonic relationship. haha!

I’d say more “I’m not sure but I’m praying about it” at this point.

Dutchess_III's avatar

I broke him of that bullshit pretty damn fast. When all was said and done, he was probably the most considerate lover I ever had. However, I divorced him after 10 years because he was an asshole with a beautiful wife who was almost always agreeable to sex (except for in the first few weeks after having a baby,) but he got a little bit of power and couldn’t keep his hands off the other women. Buh bye. I sure as hell don’t need YOU.

KNOWITALL's avatar

@Dutchess_III Oh wow, sorry, that’s just wrong.

Dutchess_III's avatar

It was a mess. And it’s sad. After the divorce he moved 2000 miles away….and he does not know the best bunch of grandchildren on God’s green earth! (That’s only half o f them too.) But I guess he doesn’t feel like he’s missing much. He just started a new family up there.

JLeslie's avatar

@KNOWITALL In my case, because of health problems, I have been unable to have sex for months at a time sometimes and it sucks! Does it affect the marriage? Hell yes. Am I frustrated sometimes? Definitely.

Over time we were out of the habit of having sex, and so even when I could sometimes we weren’t. It felt like he didn’t care about it, or didn’t want me, and that was pretty awful too. But, the truth is he was coping with trying to not make sex so important also. Trying to adjust expectations. My husband is better at acceptance in general. I tend to stay in a state of mourning.

It’s incredibly disappointing. I constantly feel like my life is not what it was supposed to be. Some people lose their desire to have sex. They either lose the physical desire, or they aren’t attracted to their spouse in the same way anymore, or they’re exhausted, there are many reasons. I’ve always wanted to be able to have sex every day like when I was 16, but God or the Universe didn’t let it happen. Not since my mid 20’s when I started having problems.

I’m extremely disappointed about my health problems affecting my sex life. I’m also disappointed I never had children. I’m disappointed my husband is having a hard time finding a job right now. Life is full of disappointment, I know you know that already, we all have disappointments, some are really really big ones.

The thing is, through everything with my husband, I feel just like the song says, “you and me against the world…” It’s just what @ARE_you_kidding_me said my husband and I are a unit, family, we are practically the same being, but separate at the same time. This feeling has grown stronger and stronger over the years. I’d say that real feeling of forever bonded really kicked in around year 9 or 10 of the marriage.

He still grabs me, and we cuddle, and compliment each other, and so we still can feel attractive and a little randy, but if you ask is something missing when we aren’t having sex for extended periods? Yes, it’s missing, but there is so much more about us.

Divorcing my husband would be like losing a part of my body.

One of my girlfriend’s had her parents staying with her a few weeks at a time every year. Her parents were in their early 90’s. She said at night she could hear them in bed reviewing what had happened that day. They had this pillow talk time, and it was one of the sweetest things I had heard in a long time. More than anything that’s what I think of when I think of marriage. The experiences you have together. They were reviewing their experiences that day.

Dutchess_III's avatar

^^^ Well said.

KNOWITALL's avatar

@JLeslie I appreciate your post. Unfortunately I am starting to resent my husband’s lack of interest in pleasing me, or even showing much affection, even if he doesn’t have those needs due to medications, I still do.

We are great friends, he makes me laugh, he let me move my mom in and is really good to her. He is ideal in a few ways. We’ve discussed options, but it’s tough, I don’t want to hurt him but I also don’t see being celibate for the rest of my life either tbh.

Dutchess_III's avatar

You can always take care of yourself @KNOWITALL.

Patty_Melt's avatar

My disability involves painful, violent reactions to touch.
I made holding my daughter almost impossible when she was a toddler. We had to learn together how to use alternate ways to hug. We would grip each others’ wrists.

Romantic intimacy has been out of the question for several years.
The condition is not predictable. What my triggers are changes not over time, but from minute to minute.
It started from reaching. The first I noticed it was trying to adjust the showerhead. A jerk in my legs, with the power of a self defense kick but opposite, left my crumpled in he tub, bruised and covered with a torn shower curtain. Initially the attacks started with my legs, knees jerking up toward my chest, and abdominal muscles hard, painful hard. I got myself a handheld showerhead, and installed it when reaching would not cause a reaction.
People were afraid of me. I changed doctors a lot.
If I could find a friend, male or female, who could tolerate spending time with me and not require touching to be involved, I would be tearfully grateful.
So, a partner as described n OP, does sound ideal to me.

JLeslie's avatar

@KNOWITALL Your reaction sounds very normal and understandable to me. I resent not being able to enjoy sex. I’m pretty sure my husband resented either me or the situation.

I miss it. I miss the sex. I don’t blame you at all for feeling frustrated, and maybe even hurt?

I think most people like to feel sexy and want to feel wanted sexually. Not having that for many of us feels like something is really missing.

I don’t know what medication you are talking about, but maybe there is an alternative med? Is it an SSRI?

KNOWITALL's avatar

@Dutchess_III lol, yes I’m aware, not really ideal.

@JLeslie Without getting into my husbands personal details, he has other ways to handle the situation but doesn’t seem to take my needs into consideration. That is what hurts and makes me resentful.

Dutchess_III's avatar

Well, at least it’s a 99.99% success rate @KNOWITALL.

KNOWITALL's avatar

@Dutchess_III haha, yes ma’am! Maybe I do just need to take a trip to the perv store, I’ll think about it. But pay cash! haha

Dutchess_III's avatar

Shoot, you don’t need to buy a thing!

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