Should I call a plumber?

I’m looking for a husband. Would a plumber answer my call?

I’ve been spending a lot of time with a man for 3 months, and I’m going to ask him this weekend what all this means. I fully expect to hear that we’re good friends. That makes me giddy knowing it frees me to explore the beaches and bushes for eligible bachelors.

Where do you recommend that I look? What rocks should I turn over in an effort to locate a man?

While you’re at it, what traits should I be looking for in a potential partner? Height? Weight? Religious affiliation? Hair color? Job prospects? Family trusts? Favorite vegetable? Favorite Shakespearean insult?

Come on, folks. Help a gay out.